Aliens Have Invaded My Brain

Before The Sun Goes Down

2011-12-29T16:54:00.003-05:00

I have been lost for awhile..not writing, but felt inspired today, by a song, or a poem..whatever you want it to be

Keeping your heart close to mine

Love changes everything

this mess

Im trying my best

praying to the angels

to break down your walls

forget about our feelings

Im climbing over them

Words can never show

what Im about to do

Keep your heart close

love changed everything

this mess

trying our best

Fists against the wall

breaking it all

climbing the brokeness

tired and bruised

reaching out for you

begging to grab on

before the sun goes down

love changes everything

this mess

trying your best

stumbling in the dark

coming to rescue you

falling down

now its time

to know

the bricks

were always

mine

You keep my heart close
love does not change a thing

its not a mess

just a test

you prayed to the angels

to break down my walls

forget about hurt feelings

your climbing over them

Words can never show

what your about to do

tired and bruised

you come and rescue me.

~AlmightyHeidi

Look At The Stars

2011-09-30T21:39:00.004-04:00

My soul aches

for things lost

for things found

It is really bittersweet,

the heaviness of today

the light of tommorrow,

but when the world slows down..

I look at the stars

Wanting more

breathing more

feeling more

I know it is there

all in the ache

of needing

you.

~Almighty Heidi

Lust

2011-09-15T16:07:00.004-04:00

Definition:

"Pleasure, delight, wish, intense desire, intense longing, craving, enthusiasm, eagerness."

When I was younger, I was taught, that Lust was bad. Why..because the bible told me so. God himself says that is wrong.."Walk by the spirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh"

It was almost like to be happy with what you were given..don't complain or your just ungrateful...so..I always tried real hard to be happy with where I was at.

Well who wants to not be gratified?

Well…
My spirit…

not the god of my childhood

says…

You are not bad because you want more

Wishing is magic
And magic is OK

Especially when it comes true.

Hoping, craving, wanting better for yourself and your family

is part of being human.

When you stop hoping, craving, wanting better,

Your spirit dies

So go ahead

Make a wish

Hope for a better future

Delight in today

Desire more, crave more,

and always long…

for something

anything

Know when the things that you hope for come true

It is what the real god wanted for you all along.

Almighty Heidi

Vision

2011-08-11T15:54:00.005-04:00

Putting on foot in front of the other

the next step

in the timeline of my life

Mind blurring with the past

full of misdirection

The universe pushing me forth

against my will

like the birth of a child

screaming when she gets her first breath of air

in fear of the unknown

Forced to put one foot in front of the other

pitch black

seeing nothing

not knowing

up or down

left of right

my soul

telling me to follow my heart.

~Almighty Heidi

The Welcome Mat

2011-05-23T19:17:00.004-04:00

So much has happened in the last few months, one day I will write about..but for now, here is just a snippit of my day..I just felt like writing..nothing intense, just..whatever..my own mini story of the afternoon.

Im finally moving around some things that have been sitting in awkward places after I moved in March. My father brought over a cooler that is packed with dishes…knick knacks I picked out when my mom abruptly left my dad two years ago after a high school reunion.. I vaguely remember packing them with my dad, as he told me to take anything I wanted. It was “all going in the trash anyways.”

His house was like the aftermath of a hurricane…evidence of my mom’s hoarding left behind in all the corners of the home.

I’m was not sure if I even want the dishes now, it is a reminder of once was, but my dad…brought it up four flights of stairs one Saturday, after keeping them at his house for the past two years…this was a total act of love…It is 52 steps up…FIFTY TWO….this is love, I must keep them.

The cooler was my grandparents..the only thing I have of theirs that belongs to me, because it was left behind one year and never given back I suppose. The “Coleman 64”

I remember years ago,my grandmother coming over with it filled with ham and goodies for the holidays…when she passed away, the family get together..seemed to stop..or at least they never were as they once were.

We did not know she was such a driving force in the family’s happiness. She was the glue.

Change, death, loss, they all seem to come into your life and disrupt the pattern that was comfortable, that felt..normal. It comes at once and leaves you in the aftermath of how to continue forward, because forward..is now forever changed, different….un glued.

So… now all the awkward places are cleaned up.To me cleaning is therapy..putting things back where they belong, making the dirty clean, folding, scrubbing, organizing..it is the only peace that is left in the almighty’s world. Trying to glue my life..finding the controllable..knowing where everything is…and…well honestly..to not have anything left behind in the corners of my home..hmmmm.

It is a bit sick as I find it odd that I took a mop to my front porch today…who does that…?!

While…mopping….the front porch,(who does that) ... I contemplated getting a welcome mat.

...but laughed at myself in the store thinking it should really say “Crazy lives here”..yeah that’s more like it. ..or..”You climbed 52 stairs to get here are you out of your mind?” Even my dog sounds like he needs an asthma inhaler and oxygen mask no when he comes up.

I don’t know what I was thinking when I moved..actually I do, the rent was fifty dollars less a month..which is a lot to me who has not seen child support in two years….but I would now officially sell my body, just so that I could live on the first floor .

Especially on shopping day.

That’s all I got for now J

Peace,

The Almighty Heidi

I am Mom

2011-05-03T23:58:00.009-04:00

I loved you before I even knew you.
I rubbed my belly
wondering who you were.

I was there waiting.

I know your dad has disappeared
in the times where you really needed him.

Your innocence,

trust,

and dissapointment..

but I will show up.

I will make sure you don't live without.
You will have a roof over your head
food, and clothes on your back

to keep you safe

I might work alot,

but I will always show up when you need me.

I will be there to hold your hand when your first love breaks your heart
with a gallon of ice cream and tissues and tenderness.

When you are hurt I will find a band aid
and when there is not one big enough for the ache you feel inside,

even though you want to put up walls of armor,

to protect,

from all the monsters...

not behind the closet but

from within yourself

the voices of doubt

that replays itself

over and over in your mind,

makng you feel like less than

but I know you are more.

the world is not right

and everything seems so wrong...

I will show up
to help you through.

If you mess up along the way,
life hands you things that you can't be ready for

I will be there.

When you take a wrong turn
I will show you how tough love can be,

and wait for you,

though it hurts to my core

to come back,
and when you are ready,

I will be right here..

because I am your Mom.

Although it has not always been good and perfect,
I am waiting for you
to find out who you really are,
knowing that

I loved you before I knew you.

~Almighty Heidi Momma

And On The Seventh Day...

2011-04-12T22:55:00.006-04:00

"Mom, please get me out of here, please take me home"
" I can't love, you are not ready yet"

and we cry

It's been seven days since I took my son to inpatient rehab.

Every fiber of my being wanted to pack my son up and take him home.

Im really really starting hate the universe. I hate having to have had being a single mom.
I hate the weight of the world which is a two ton boulder.
I hate having to work nights just to keep a roof over our head and to have my sons be alone at night, without he watchful eye of mom.

I hate hearing about other parents honor school kids, and that they went to the beach, and soon they are going to Disney World.

It makes me want to vomit.

I hate that I have had one vacation with them ever..because I always have to work.

I hate not being able to pack my son up, and take him home, and have the world be ok for all of us.

I hate that I have had three back surgeries, and lost so much time when my kids were smaller. I hate that my daughter was in an accident and still has pain, and I hate that my other son has so much anxiety it is hard for him to leave the house.

I hate that their dad just dissappeared and does not even know that mike is in rehab, and Mike would like to see him but I dont even have a phone number to call him at.

I hate feeling that I was enough
I hate all of it. Every stinking bit.

I want to throw the covers over my head and cry, but it is all still there..every stinking bit.

So I ask the universe, to get me out of this

and she replies "I cant love, your not ready yet"

and I cry.

~Almighty Heidi

The Storm

2011-03-31T20:36:00.007-04:00

The midnight quiet darkness is broken
dangerous lightning
ghostly wind
the trees sound like ocean waves outside my window
limbs bending forcefully back and forth
angry explosions of thunder make me curl up into my blanket
I start to hear the heartbeat of the rain on my window
and feal not fear,
but peace
~Almighty Heidi

My place, my truth, myself, I feel so safe and warm, and right.

But all around me there is a storm that has been brewing.
My youngest son Michael will be going away for inpatient drug rehab.
He was caught up in his own storm.

We were all having our own crisis..
and he was the left behind lost boy
trying to find his way
his sister having alot of surgeries,
his brother having a mental breakdown
his dad..disappearing
his mom finding her own way
He found comfort solace in all the wrong things.

Our family is broken
the storm rages
my mothers soul is being forcefully bent
afraid of the dangerous lightning
I hang on to the heartbeat of this new rain
trying to understand it and
make peace for what is and what is to come.
Finding grace in grief.

~Almighty Heidi

Following The Trail Of Honey

2011-03-15T18:28:00.003-04:00

"I don't see much sense in that," said Rabbit.
"No," said Pooh humbly, "there isn't. But there was going to be when I began it. It's just that something happened to it along the way."”

There is a place my soul has been seeking, the land of milk and honey..I have allowed myself to follow the trail of the honey to find myself..

I am happy
I am secure

though the world around me is spinning out of control,
a son that I have to seek support for,

another son I have to get a bunch of medical tests on,

a daughter who is in chronic pain,

my brother in Japan, him and his family praying against nuclear meltdown...
I should be a complete mess...

but instead..

I am just...complete.

Such a strange alien place where the trail of honey has led me...

In the darkend places there is light..

and the light is all I see.

I have so much to share...

about the places that happened along the way

~Almighty Heidi

Finding Center

2011-03-09T00:24:00.003-05:00

I moved this past week
on my birthday

it was a re-birthday
Something I wanted to do, I needed to do
things have changed so much.
in a good..butterfly kinda way.

My new place is...zen. Warm..comforting..happy.
My favorite part is unpacking, and decorating.
I have an uncanny way of putting pictures up at the perfect height and perfectly centered, and the thought hit me..

The past year has been the most painful, suffocating, exhausting....

It has had me face my own self,and I listened to her...
I really listened to my own soul....

I have found my center
What a great re-birthay present

it is zen
warm
comfort
happy...and Im holding onto that

because..

Life is difficult
Teens with issues,
bills to pay...
Single mommy hood with alot of hours at work
and not enough at home..

But finding my own center
of peace

maybe everything else might just fall into place a bit easier

It is time for my re-birthday. I will celebrate it every day
Come with me

Live OUT LOUD

this is the life I have
and am ready to fly,
ready to live.

I am free

Almighty Heidi

P!nk - F**kin' Perfect

2011-02-21T03:41:00.001-05:00

This says it all...great video :)

Almighty Heidi

It's been a long time

2011-02-16T11:06:00.003-05:00

My soul aches to write, because so much has happened, but there is no time. And there are no real words yet. I guess I tend to clam up..stop talking about it..but it is all brewing on the inside..a quiet storm ...and Im starting to hear the rumbles.

I had to end a relationship.
My 19 year old daughter is moving to the Midwest, hoping she can get some better medical care being with her grandmother, since I cannot provide it.

I now have a full time bartending shift that will pay the bills but the hours keep me away from my sons at odd hours.

On top of personal drama..some of the hardest changes, decisions I have ever made as an adult, and getting the flu that wont go away.

Did I mention I'm also moving on my birthday?

Sooner or later things will settle.
Then I will be back
There is alot to write..

~Almighty Heidi

Courage

2011-02-01T23:46:00.003-05:00

Courage: mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty

A Lion is always connected to Courage…

My post 1/4/2010..is about that..

I have faced the lion now…it is beautiful..my own truth..but I did not know it till now..but my soul knew…and it is holy ground..I am the Lion...

Facing my own self...having the courage...

Here is the post:
1/04/2010

Dreaming...

What an uber cool way to bring in 2010.
New Years eve night I had the most vivid beautiful dream.

I was in Colorado, visiting my grandmother, then I decide to travel to this familiar place. I had seen it in many dreams before over the years. It was mountain that was flat at the top. I would hike there, then rest.

This time the dream continued on.
I was winding through the mountain roads.

The road I was on was actually cut through the mountain so on my left and right were towers of beautiful rock. It was spring, and life was..just..everywhere.

To my right were these huge white flowers the size of magnolia blossoms..tons of them winding up and down. I stopped and drank from the stream and the water was cool and so pure.

Then I was inside the mountian and there were etchings all allong the wall.
Ancient carvings..beautiful art.
Then I remember standing in front of the most magnificant one.
The etching was over 5 feet tall. It was of just a lions head, mane flowing.
The expression was relaxed, but confident, it's eyes were intuitive and peaceful.

I reached across and touched the stone, I almost did not want to..it was ..like ..holy ground...

I let my hands glide over the creature, the beautiful Lion...

Then I woke up in 2010.

The After Thought

2011-01-04T23:53:00.004-05:00

The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say. ~Anaïs Nin

I hold the key

To my own prison

To unlock it

Is to open up a vein

Vulnerable bleeding

Where invisible words

Become visible

My thoughts

are truth

Dark is light
Cold is warmth
Sad is hopeful

and the world as I knew it
becomes an after thought

but
looking down

I'm still holding the key..

..and give it to you.

~Almighty Heidi

What Happens Next

2010-12-07T23:21:00.004-05:00

What happens

when the life

that you love

does not love you back?

Today I read

"Each experience in your life was absolutely necessary

in order to have gotten you

to the next place

and the next, up until this very moment"

just for today..

I'm tired of the life lessons

Seriously

I would like a vacation from lessons please.

I'm just wanting to buy my kids Christmas presents..

maybe for Kayla to have a pain free day

a second job..so I can take care of the kids..my dad...

I just want to live life and love it

without worrying about it every moment

and maybe

just for once

have life love me back

cause I'm trying over here..

I am

so..

love me back.

~Almighty Heidi

Faith

2010-12-03T00:17:00.005-05:00

Where has my faith gone?

The faith

Of the things unseen

Unheard

Hope...

Felt to my core

Deep down.

My soul

listening,

she begs

"Don’t stop
Never stop wanting
Needing
Yearning
Longing"

My mind steps in

Reminding me

That maybe it is easier to just settle
It's just over, it is what it is.

Lying down at the place of quitting,
or
Giving up..

I don't want to

but I can't raise my head.

So today I need you..

Borrowing your light for awhile

Your faith

Your energy

Because im so tired

I have fought for so long.

And I listen to the voice again that says

"Don’t stop.
Never stop
Never stop wanting
Needing
Yearning
Longing"

So I can get back up

and I know

as long as I am still breathing

Its not over yet.

~Almighty Heidi

She Whispers To Me

2010-11-26T22:51:00.003-05:00

Always with her hands out

reaching

The invisible rope to more

Begging to touch it

Always out of grasp.

She whispers to me

"Let go"

"Just….let…go.. "

I’ve been holding on for so long

I forgotten how..

How to unclench my hands.

Have you forgotten

the now, the today ?

When you are trying to touch
if you are reaching what is out of your grasp….

Maybe

just maybe

if you let go

maybe…

It will come to You.

Let go.

~Almighty Heidi

Everything you want..also wants you

2010-11-15T17:11:00.008-05:00

Everything you want also wants you...

I had a dream about a week ago that I was going to die very quickly..soon. In the dream I was so overwhelmed..because I was not done yet..I'm just getting my head on straight.. just getting to know my true self..what I like..who I'm still supposed to become..not done yet!!! I'M JUST STARTING!!

I woke up feeling awful and wonderful at the same time.

No I am not done yet.

There is a journey I have been my entire life..but especially the last two years.

A twist of fate brought my brother here from Japan for two weeks for a conference.

He is not here but ten minutes

and I am overcome with tears

sobbing

catching my breath crying like a child emotion that's been apparently bottled up..

Really Heidi..really???!!!

" I am not happy"

and its like a movie playing

where is this girl coming from

I'm fine, I'm happy

life is..ok right?

"I know...I saw this huge hole in your chest when I walked through the door..you did not have to say a word..what can I do..how can I fill it"..this is my brother...

" You cant do it.. I have to"..again surprised by my own words

You have to understand..my brother and I are soul mates. If there are other lifetimes..we have spent them together..it is that kind of bond..

" I was scared of coming home" Mark says

"Why?"

"Because for the last two years..I have been in a bubble..where life goes on day to day..and the world is ok and fine..and I know yours and dads is not. When I left..mom had just dropped the bomb of leaving dad..we were worried about dad putting a bullet to his head..then Kayla's accident..you left Bruce, then you both lost your jobs..Nathan lost his mind..and being across the world there was not a fucking thing I could do about it!"

I knew my world had been on fire for so long ..there is no oxygen left. His world was like watching the twin towers of the family come down and there was not a thing he could do about it...and he felt the weight on my shoulders of having to try and put back together all the shards of glass on my knees..one by one after the towers collapsed.

I just keep trying to put them together..and they don't fit.

and I cant make everything better.

..and we cried.

How awesome is that..that I have that one..true...honest...loveing relationship, with no judgement just love.

It has been an eye opener.. a blessing.. a sweet twist of fate.

I feel like this journey..of the past few years, I am finally getting to the core

the core is my true self

and what I want

I have taken care of everyone for so long

I'm really really tired.

it is my soul that is screaming "What about me"

So I'm trying to find..

Happy.

Have you seen her?

I know deep down that everything I want

also wants me

and I AM NOT done yet..

I have just started.

~Almighty Heidi

"Move within, but not the way fear moves you" ~Rumi

Listen

2010-11-02T21:25:00.004-04:00

We forget in our humaness

to keep seeing
hearing
feeling
for those around us

Life gets busy

Maybe in fact...
we never really truly stopped and listened

because

When the world gets so loud
with responsibilities

bills

laundry

brokeness

life..

But I hope you always hear me
in silence there is meaning beyond measure

I hear you..
I feel you
I know you, and when we are disconnected somehow

I promise to stop for a moment
and go to
the in between

listen to the music in the background
that is you
always playing in my head

I hope we will always listen
to never forget
that we are human
and we need to feel
others around us.

~Almighty Heidi

Silence

2010-11-02T10:53:00.002-04:00

(This is just an old relationship..just pondering it today)

The silence screams
making the air so thick I cannot breathe

but you look at me,
and I at you,

thumbing the next page of your newspaper
you sip your coffee
never once

did you hear me.

~Almighty Heidi

Ache

2010-10-25T19:54:00.003-04:00

How do I dare
to tell you

What is in my heart

the dark shadowed places

that need to become light

The truth hurts so much

and yet releases me from my pain

~Almighty Heidi

(two blogs in one night. Sometimes you have to get it out :)

Empty Spaces

2010-10-25T18:09:00.008-04:00

"The universe was once thought of an empty space. Astronomers once thought that the chance of two stars colliding was roughly once in an eternity"

Two stars dancing
circling round each other

Gravitational pull

Aching

twoards center.

take me willingly..
fill my empty space

Exploding.

Becoming one,

burning up in each others atmosphere,

lighting up heaven

on earth.

(Yeah..kinda hot :)

~Almighty Heidi

Lines

2010-10-22T00:10:00.001-04:00

You are told not to cross the line

Lines drawn in the sand
so easily erased

Cross over

or stay behind

Standing on the line of quitting

Or seeing how much I can take

Almighty Heidi

Gravity and Reality

2010-10-19T21:18:00.007-04:00

I wish I knew you

many years ago

I wish I were comfortable

In my own skin

had the guts to face my own self

in the mirror

Who you were

Who you were to become

Your likes

your dislikes

You had to find them on your own

Life is the forever school

Of my soul

never ending

I like purple

And Lilly's and lilacs

The smell of vanilla

Writing secrets

not

keeping them

Kisses on my neck

Hot baths

Glasses of wine

Silence

Peace and warmth

There is never enough

Even in happiness

There is never enough

maybe it is all the illusion

and my soul screams

"I dare you..to be you"

always wanting more ..

feeling like I'm in between two worlds

going 35 in a 65

my own thoughts haunting me

as I sleep

Is it another lesson

Maybe it is just the responsibility

to carry the world on the shoulders

and it is just the "right thing to do"

to be happy where I am

am I settling into comfort

into what is expected

or keep wanting

will I ever be fulfilled

who are you?

or..
who are you yet to become

I wish..

I knew you.

~Almighty Heidi

Spinning

2010-10-07T10:41:00.008-04:00

Spinning in circles

the world blurs

I stretch out my 6 year old arms

spinning round and round

till I drop down to the fresh cut grass

breathing in

I watch the clouds and trees spin

loving the illusion

my world is in vertigo

she giggles to herself

"Lets do it again"

"It's not fun anymore"

I tell her

"Things are just too ...difficult

I cant."

"Come onnnnn..let your arms out like this"

I look at my arms crossed over my chest

and my hands are clenched

She says to me

"Let go"

and know I must

so I start to spin

all the colors begin to blur

falling to the ground I laugh

knowing my world

is just an illusion.

~Almighty Heidi

Then Came The Fall

2010-09-28T17:10:00.004-04:00

The weather is slowly starting to change..from 95 to..oh ..85,but the evenings are not humid, the wind is blowing the leaves in my backyard making them dance.

Fall is absolutely my favorite!

It s warm hot chocolate, stew, pumpkin spice loaf comfort food season!

It does not get bitter cold here in Florida...

and we don't get the beautiful fall colors..

but we can turn the air down real low and pretend.

This fall is bringing my father to live with me after he lost his job, and we help him through foreclosure and bankruptcy and fighting the VA so he can get health care, because he was denied benefits...so now he is uninsured.

I miss leaves crunching under my feet,

The yellows, reds and oranges...

Originally he was to move with my brother to Japan. Long story, but the airforce regulations are to strict.

I miss the smell of wood burning fires..and watching the flames flickering in the fireplace...

This fall brings pain to my daughter who has no health insurance. She has two herniations in her back, and we are stuck on the red tape government system of hell.

Somehow they (medicaid)came up with a figure of 3450.00 a month per month deductible that she would have pay before they covered any care. They base it on the household income..which mine is below 2k. It makes no sense.

I wonder..if I could even see the leaves turn colors..everything seems so grey.

So I'm taking her to a free clinic, that might be able to refer her out...To whom I don't know.. She just wants to finish school, and I see her trying not to get defeated.

Then the issues with my son.

I wonder if I could feel the warmth from the fire..or could I stick my hand in and feel nothing

There is a lot of weight on my shoulders. It keeps me up at night and gives me wicked sad dreams. All I can do is take it day by day..

pray for lotto..

and watch the leaves in my backyard dance.

~Almighty Heidi

My Sun, My Son

2010-09-22T20:36:00.005-04:00

I miss you
who was swallowed
by the darkness

The water is illuminated by the moonlight
brilliant and beautiful

you who
are evaporated by the sun
feeling there is nothing left

please let me hold your hand

hear my voice

oh son
I would give my own life
so that you could feel light on your face

hope

Listen to the voice
that brings you back with the tide
because you are
brilliant and beautiful

~Almighty Heidi

All the kings horses...

2010-09-21T15:45:00.005-04:00

Through all this I think I have learned to enjoy the days where there is peace.. routine. It ended last week.

My son had returned to the "dark side". The coping side of his brother and sister and I make darth Vader sounds after he leaves the room, when he is just plain mean towards any one of us. Without the meds, he is very verbally abusive, and mean.
The last time he physically went after his brother and sister, which cannot happen again.

I spoke to him. He does not want to hear.

I want to scream.

I want to shake him by the shoulders and say STOP
stop, just stop
look what you are doing
look what you are becoming

Please let me help you

But he cannot see, he cannot hear. He is stuck in his own mind.

He shuts me out,
gets angry
does not want to talk about his medicine or illness at all.

I want to hold him on the ground
and shove the pills down his throat.

He has the look of darkness on him, of depression..of ocd and anxiety.

It is a real look of darkness.
He does not smile, circles are under his eyes, the light he had a few weeks ago is gone. He has confined himself to his room...I know this is his safe place
where he knows he will not fight with us all
There is not alot of conversation with him..because everything irritates him.

He quit taking his meds because “He knows what is right for him”
Im glad he at least told me the truth.

I cannot make him take his medicine..he is bigger..stronger…bullheaded.
I thought of hiding them in his food
But then he would think that he really is fine....
Which is a lie.

Instead
We all have confronted him
And let him know that he is not happy
He is slipping away
And we miss him,
and hope he remembers that the meds do make him better

If he chooses to continue to not take them
And slip away
I will have to admit him to the hospital
which will break my heart into a million pieces
I already hurt thinking about it

Where he will be forced to to take the meds
which will only happen if I cant reach him
or he becomes violent
or im afraid for his life
or stars hearing the voices
that dont exsist

So I hope he remembers the happy
The ability to make decisions
The focus on goals
I miss the light in his eyes
I miss my son.

I tell god
I am not equipped for this
I cant do this
I cannot fix this

and I know
it is not for me to fix

Im so tired.

~Almighty Heidi

What If...

2010-09-09T13:58:00.003-04:00

“Courage is the discovery that you may not win,
and trying when you know you can lose.”

What if..
today were day one...
you could start the change
you need in yourself..
or you could help someone else's day
or dream
with a random act of kindness

What if today
were the day you looked at yourself in the mirror
and decided to make peace with the person looking back?

What if today were not just some other days of going to work, or paying bills..

What if today you changed your perspective and
see the glass half full for once
even if there is nothing left in it.

What if today you tried to wear out the words " I love you"

What if you could taste, for a second how delicious life is today

What if
today, were tomorrow and you started all over again
the change you need to see in yourself
the kindness
the I love you....

~Almighty Heidi

Woman

2010-09-01T20:55:00.006-04:00

I think somewhere along the way I was lost...really lost.

As women we do not feel pretty enough, or even whole enough to do the daily tasks of being mother, friend, daughter, coworker...

we just don't feel enough.

I have been working the past few years to figure out why, and I guess along the way that "feeling less than feeling" is starting to fade..but I know it will always try and find it's way out, clawing at my soul to feed it the negative thoughts coming from the past.

There is a song I found..it is a Christan song. I am not into Christianity at all...it left a sour taste in my mouth.

My spirit now resides from the inside out,
but the words...well damn they were good so I thought I would share, I have it playing now, but here are the lyrics..and I though about my friends..who are single moms, who have been abused, who have had their souls ripped from them..and all we want as human, as woman is to feel worthy..and beautiful...

I know I needed a reminder of this when I was 16. I wanted to to leave this world, there was too much pain..I really tried to take my own life.

..but a small fant voice inside said..no..stop...and the road ahead by myself..getting myself through was so difficult.

Sometimes we all need the still small voice inside, or that of a friend, if you are lucky, that says no,stop,enough... let me help you off that ledge

you are worthy, you are enough..let me hold your hand..and start walking down the rough road ahead with you.

So here's to you my friends,
those walking the hard roads,
I can hold your hand because I have been there
you are worthy and beautiful, and who you are is quite enough

(it is a mushy blog tonight..just thinking about the past and a few friends in the present going through dark times)

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

[Chorus]
I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

~Almighty Heidi

Hurricane

2010-08-31T17:29:00.008-04:00

It is hurricane season...the news tells you to get prepared..just in case.

When I lived in Kansas we had tornado sirens that would go off..to warn you that the shit might hit the fan.

I know..if we tap into it we have an intuition that things might be going bad..I knew it with my job.

Then there are other scenarios...that just happen, no warning sirens, no news flashes they just happen unexpectedly.

In the eye of the hurricane..it is the most amazing thing....the wind stops blowing, the sun shines..and you have a moment to regroup..to look at things that might have been damaged..do some assessment, and hunker down and prepare for the rest best you can.

I am in the eye. It is still, quiet and there is an erie glow in the horizon. Im just waiting to see where the wind blows...

I have this wierd peace..or false sense of peace, not sure...I'm assessing the damage and taking a moment to regroup and try and make it through the next phase.

So this is my quiet..the calm before the storm, or during...not sure just taking it day by day. The world around me is not done spinning yet..

In the meantime..I have love...and no matter which way the wind blows..I have love in my life. My children, my father..my friends. These are the things that will make the storm clean up so much more bearable.

~Almighty Heidi

My Mosiac

2010-08-11T11:34:00.012-04:00

Mosaic art became really popular there for awhile. I think when I get older, that will be one of my hobbies..making something beautiful out of the broken.

The past few weeks have been so difficult. Just when I think I have things figured out, or manageable, the glass gets broken into even smaller pieces..even the music in my head seems out of tune..nothing makes sense.

I had found a part time job, to go along with my art time job waiting tables. Together, life would have been tight, but it was something.

I was told I was needed asap, then it went into the next week, and this week, now I might not be needed till September.

Earlier this month I had a "Random Act of Kindness" bestowed upon the old Almighty. A financial gift from a stranger to help pay the rent and my electric this month. Without this help I honestly don't know where I would take my kids to live.

I ate a piece of humble pie, with a side of "I cant believe this is happening" , followed with a big thank you and a sigh of relief. That is just stuff you see on Oprah..not in my life :)

This random act was the glue of hope I needed..so I could put a few pieces of my life back together again. It brings some faith that maybe, just maybe, there will be a soft safe place to land.

Truly I'm not sure what the future is holding.
I signed up for some online classes for the future me, to put her at ease.

The present me is still frightened but full of hope..and my Mosaic is like a kaleidoscope lately,
full of color,
blurring and changing,
clear, then unclear,
then changing again.

I really hate change, I fear change, my world goes in vertigo around it, but here it is like it or not.

I have come to the realization that I don't think I have any control of it.

I can put out resumes, and try and keep life going the way I know how..but the rest of it..waiting for the glue, trying to listen to the silent knowing, that it will all be OK.

Picking up and starting all over..again, and again.

Somehow, something beautiful will be made out of the broken.

Almighty Heidi

The swamp

2010-08-02T16:50:00.007-04:00

Here is a clip, it made local news, the job I was let go from...along with all the other employees.

http://www.wftv.com/news/24481678/detail.html

In sleep there is no rest

I dream of alligators ( I live in florida)

all around me,

there is no way out but through

the swamp is thick with mud

and I don't know which way is safe

and I am to afraid to go through

but to stand there

doing nothing is to give up

so I must go through

in faith, that it will all be ok.

But I do know

Sue..my Dad, Captain Makle and his wife Toni.

Jason..ahh Jason..you could just leave now

it is too much ..but you stand by

holding onto the tears

All of you wishing for lotto

Wishing to do more

Terri, Matt, Theresa,

Ed and Gussie, Akaska, Greenfingers, Robin

You are there

to try and lift me up

letting me know I am not alone

to try and keep my soul

away from the alligators

So I pray

to a god I am so unsure of

holding onto the invisable rope

to get me out of the swamp.

Thank you.

Almighty Heidi

(and the children of the almighty Kayla, Nathan, and Michael...and almighty pug dogs..the soul of unconditional love Winston and Cosmo)

What Now?

2010-07-30T16:35:00.002-04:00

I don't know whch way is up, or down, left or right. It is all spinning, so I lay myself dwn in the middle of the road, untill maybe..just maybe I can make sense of it all.

Did I REALLY piss the universe off?

Im really trying, Im really really trying to do everything good and right, by the book, love my kids, take care of everything but...

It is a sickining feeling. Rent due, and 125.00 in the bank account.

This week has been an amazing reeling of emotion.

The first day of my job loss was shock.

Then anger not getting my last paycheck for 2 weeks of pay.

Then panic...

despair...

alot of tears.

Many many tears.

Time is not even making sense. it is one o'clock then 5.

My dreams are filled with alligators surrounding me and there is no way out, but to be attacked.

Seriously.

My dad who worked for the company for 20 years is going to lose his house, car, everything.

The good news is my brother s going to claim him as a dependant, and my dad will be moving to Japan where he will have his health care needs, and basic needs ..food..shelter...warmth..love..

I WANT this for my dad. He needs a fresh start. He NEEDS medical. So I tell him please to go.

The bad news is...My saftey net. What used to be home...the place you go when it all falls apart..the place I moved after my divorce for a few months to get back up on my feet...home is gone.

I have never felt so alone.

It is an oppresive force.

I am responsible for three children..with no child support..only working part time...

today I only made 25.00

and I am really really scared.

if something happens..I cant go home.

There is no place to go.

Im trying to hold onto hope that it will be ok.

I check my email and my phone for missed calls and emails

like I have OCD, hoping I did not miss a call from a job.

The Almighty Heidi is not quite feeling almighty anymore.

There are too many emotions that I have felt and Almighty isn't even in the catagory.

Heidi

Trail of tears

2010-07-26T19:40:00.002-04:00

Today, after 35 years the company I worked for has closed it's doors. My father worked for the company for 20, mysef for 8, and the paycheck for the past two weeks we will not be getting.

My father is 61 years old, with no savings or retirement, and with mulitple health issues, no health insurance.

I have three kids, and no child support.

The earth has shifted
My world is shaken
and I feel alone and scared.

I dont know how to take care of everyone.

I dont how not to go under.

It is a bad day. A bad bad day.

~AlmightyHeidi

Changes

2010-07-20T13:35:00.005-04:00

Change: Something made different: alteration, substitution. Replacement, make or become different.

We all need change. I prefer not to have it. There was a recent study about men and women showing that 80 percent of women did not like change. I get it. I do not like moving, or switching jobs, changes within the home or routine, and the wrench thrown in like a 1000.00 part for the car.

The unexpected makes my world go in vertigo. Spinning I cannot control the outcome.

But change is always one thing that will always happen..something made different…good and bad..

I guess..looking at it all, im glad im not the same person I was 10 years ago..or 20 for that matter. I think I have brought along the good parts of me along the way..and the other “stuff” you either feed along the way and it gets fatter, or you it go..wherever “it” is.

So I wrote this ..just thinking today:

The days I thought I lost control

There was no compass to guide me

Now understanding

I was in the right direction all along

The paths alter
Each footprint blind in the dark
Evolving, changing, shifting

My soul moving in and out

with each breath here on earth

And when I can not hear her
Saying turn this way or that

I know that I will land softly
In faith

even I do not understand

Transforming
Into what I was meant to become
So far away from where I thought I would be.

~Almighty Heidi

Roaring Thunder

2010-07-05T20:23:00.016-04:00

I

feel

like

there is so much more

than what I can see with my own eyes..

I feel it in my soul

tugging..

a longing
the quiet fire
my soul beats
to a roaring thunder
lightning in my veins

My heart..and my gut

reaching out

again and again

and I hunger to hear

always

thirsty

to the last beat

wanting more

listen to my rain..

~AlmightyHeidi

Shadow Dancing

2010-07-01T11:07:00.009-04:00

(This short poem was inspired by this particular song, and a dance I saw last night. Music ..she speaks to me)

Will you catch me when I fall

back

Trusting your arms to lift me

You caught me in your warmth

the quiet fire
that was once lit

shadows of ourselves dance upon the walls

glowing embers burn your image
into my soul

Will you catch me once again?

Can you find me

in the smoke that remains

looking for you..

or all that is left,

is ash?

Will you

catch me?

~Almighty Heidi

My Invisible Karma Fish

2010-06-30T14:20:00.008-04:00

I want to go outside..by the water..and listen to the ocean for awhile. I want to listen to the waves..and then start daydreaming...

daydreaming has always been a great escape.

I think it is our souls way of taking a deep breath.

I took alot of "deep breaths" in grade school..and got in alot of trouble...

then you become an adult..and forget how to breathe.

I had a few old notes I found to myself yesterday that reminded me that I used to have a goofy side...that came mostly from my really silly, and not so right, imagination....

so I decided to text my daughter...

"I have complety forgotten where I put my genetically alterd cyber monkey..then I found out he turned to the darkside, now Im stuck with Mysitcal Burrito Head Man and his side kick Taco Tom..damn.."

She called...to make sure I was ok.

I just remember making up goofy characters and being utterly silly when my kids were small...its kind of a shame because my daughter did not remember ..it has been way too long...

Making up characters, and stories of places was always a part of me..I liked to dream of rooms..with hidden doors, funny creatures...and magic..I LOVED creative writing and journaling..when everyone in class rolled their eyes groaning in pain at the thought.

I guess I might as well come all the way out of the closet now...

I love sci-fi too.

Lets face it, the AlmightyHeidi and Captain Markle" (the worlds best and most awesomest super heros..fighters agains evil dooers..monsters under the bed..and unfair parenting )

It had to come from somehwere right?!

Maybe one day I will write of all the old places in my head...I need to dust them off..all the old stories, rows upon rows in a room, to the left side of my thalamus....

I think its time...were going to have to bring out the big guns... to help jog the memory : Im gonna "Bust you up" Bob and the Invisable Karma Fish...just sayin..I cant take a trip to the beach....

but I will always have mystical burrito head man..even if he is a bit overweight, never wears a shirt and smells a bit...

...and the kids are not too old right..??

and EVERYONE needs the Invisible Karma Fish on their side...

~Almighty Heidi

Anger..and pain

2010-06-28T18:45:00.003-04:00

Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath.~Eckhart Tolle

I saw this...I thought..well..it is so true..and had so much to do with my post below.

For the girl..no the woman..that held everything inside...

well..it's ok to feel ya know..

Especially when you get a reminder from the universe of where it all comes from...
and have an understanding

that you are still hurting
and hurting for your children

and angry
and its ok to be angry

It is ok to feel.

That's big for me.

~Almighty Heidi

Ugly

2010-06-28T09:09:00.015-04:00

So this weekend..I was exhausted, grouchy, feeling unappreciated, taken forgranted..all the things moms feel. I started my second job, and I finally finished training.

The first seven dollar tip was like gold..because it was mine.

It has been hard. Very hard. Then there is tons of lifting, bending, and just total mayhem on the body. After three back surgeries, I am wondering what the hell I am doing waitressing. Between both jobs I worked 58 hours last week..and it will be 60 this week. Then I look at the bills on the table and know exactly why.

I feel blessed and cursed all at the same time. I’m trying to count my blessings..I really really am..but honestly...I just feel bitter..

and that is just my ugly side..here is what I am really feeling..my tantrum from my previous post has overflowed onto this page...

I am angry to be the only provider for my children.
I am angry the other parent has stepped out completely and does not give a damn.
I am angry because I work two jobs..and he chooses not to work at all.
I am angry that I put him through college.
I am angry that I want to go back to school, but cannot.

I am angry because my boyfriend has weekend plans..that I cannot attend..because I am busting my ass.
I am angry that even with a second job; I cannot cover my daughter’s health insurance.

I am angry because I deal with customers all day long, job one and job two, and I can "fix" things for them..make everything all better....but the important things in my life..my kids.....the stuff that needs fixed, I feel powerless.

I am angry because..where is my joy? Where is my dinner out? Where is my happiness..where is my vacation? Where is my "let me make it all better for you" person?

Yeah..theres the temper tantrum!

And if I hear...of your family..going to the beach..or to the movies..or out to eat...and what a great time you had..Im going to smile..say thats great...and throw up all at the same time....I want to take my kids to the beach..ya know??

But that is me..in my bitter place.

I am so jealous of one of my friends being a stay at home mom, I can barely talk to her anymore, because of my own bitterness..again..I know that’s wrong..I know it.

I am angry..because I am tired of the responsibility completely on my shoulders.

I don’t want to wear the superhero cape anymore..

There..I've said it. Brutal tantrum honesty.

~Almighty Heidi...

*Picking the cape off of the floor..dusting the stomp prints off of it, and putting it back on*

My Heaven

2010-06-21T13:24:00.004-04:00

Take me to the place of in between

before the day is over

and the night begins

I can feel the earth slow

just for that moment

not quite spring

not quite summer

Where seasons

right before the change

blend as one

and I breathe them in

all is well.

Take me back to the fields I dream of

in my in between

not quite sleep, and not quite awake

where the breeze is always warm

and the sun shines upon my face.

I want to go back

to the in between

before

the present,

which writes itself, every moment

in every moment ,

I cant figure it out
and dont know what to do
everything around me
is moving to quickly

I need the earth to slow

I need to breathe

I need the sun to shine upon my face

take me back

to the in between

~Almighty Heidi

Tantrum

2010-06-14T12:21:00.003-04:00

Just scribbling....my innerself is having a temper tantrum today.

I want it all.

I am not spoiled, nor have been

I just want the moon and the sky

The apple pie and the ice cream

I want the happy

The joy

The life I want

The moments that take my breath away

I feel like I could just grab it

but Im out of arms reach

I don’t want to choose

Poverty or exhaustion

Hot or cold

Up or down

I want it all

all of it

But along for the ride

comes

the good

and the bad

Damn.

~Almighty Heidi

The Lion

2010-06-08T12:35:00.007-04:00

Sleepless thoughts

Pulling me under

Keeping me awake at night

Oh soul

Why must you worry

What if.. maybe it is ..perfect?

Though it seems less than

much less

but it is the right place

where you are

where you stand

it’s time to grab onto the life that has been given

allowing dreams, to be the hope

and not the misfortune

You are courage under fire

grace you have found
in the ashes

rise up

oh soul

and celebrate it all.

Almighty Heidi

Music..it's like honey

2010-06-07T11:53:00.004-04:00

Soft acoustic rolling through my head

Speaking without words

What I feel within

Swaying with my eyes closed

My body becomes the melody

Singing sweetly

of how I ache for you

~Almighty Heidi

No Shoes

2010-05-30T17:44:00.008-04:00

My daughter had surgery on Thursday. It honestly looks lke she was hit over the head with a baseball bat. The recovery is hard..being up every 2 hours to give her meds..or a few ounces of fluid at a time..it breaks a mama's heart...it really breaks my heart.

But I know it is temporary.

It makes me thankful..that she is not cronically ill. This is in an odd way.. is easy..her jaw is broken, she will get better and heal...

My son's condition..there is not a broken one that can be fixed. It is chronic..it is almost a taboo thing..mental illness..nothing that you can just..go in, take out and make all better.

Such a road.... a road I wish I were not on, there are too many sharp rocks that cut to the soul.. and...Im not wearing shoes.

I feel guilty about having to leave this week...for a few hours, desperatly trying to find a second job..to leave the ones even longer that need me the most..so that we can have food, and a place to live. It's just not right. It really is not right, it goes everything in my nature of being a mom.

Let me just say this fucking sucks.

But for Kayla..there is nothing that can heal
her dad not showing up
not giving a damn
calling to see if she is ok
he has just..quit.

This is the part where the animalistic protector in me comes out
I will wake up every two hours to take care of my child
I will do everything in my power to make the hurting stop
do whatever she needs..to make it all better
cause that is what moms do..that is what I am built for
it's just there, in my blood

Mother
protector
feel better-er

For the parts I have no control over..I will still do everything in my power to make the hurting stop...climb up the sharp rocks..and pray...pray to a god I am not sure of, the one who I just see placing more and more hurdles to see if I crack.. and hope for my childrens to overcome the ugliness of it all.

This is the road we are on, my kids and I
souls being cut and bruised
continuing to jump over the hurdles
hoping to heal

This is me..having a hard day
super tired
Tommorrow, is a new one
and we will be ok

Almighty Heidi

Dance With Me

2010-05-24T12:07:00.005-04:00

Magic

Having faith that everything will be all right
When the world around you is so wrong.
Trying to see into the crystal ball of my soul
Predicting its future with hopefulness
Not listening to the false prophets of my mind
speaking fear

Dance with me
under the moonlight
raising you hands to the sky

Contagious joy
cuaght by the wind
creates the magic
that makes the fear fall away.

Do you ever feel like you keep treading water, faster and faster feeling like at any minute you will drown? I have this feeling everyday…like I’m just waiting to break..to lose all self control and someone may just have to find me under my desk in the rocking in the fetal position…”Yup she’s finally cracked” I would hear them say as I get taken away in a straight jacket. Im thinking of having a custom made one just in case. You can get that on eBay right?

On the way to work I caught myself as I scanned my body looking for some sort of sign that it’s is going to begin..the cracking… “Nope not yet”
I think that it has not happened yet…because I can see a glimmer of the light sometimes, the magic...the good stuff.

Thursday I was given a gift that enabled me to get all the food and supplements I needed for my daughters surgery since she will be on a liquid diet for a few months since her jaw will be wired shut. It also helped provide some cake and pizza for her 19th birthday tomorrow...this was truly magic...seriously. I had only 5 dollars left in my checking account.

Some more of the glimmer..Friday my children decided to go with me to the free music in the park. It is an event my community puts on every week that I’m so thankful for. We fed the turtles and there were about 50 in the water, and about a dozen ducks came to compete. It was really kind of neat. The breeze was blowing and it was the perfect night. My son even smiled a few times. I loved having my family around.

Little kids usually get up and dance all over to the music.. ...just having a good ol time, and its adorable to watch. This particular night there were two twin adult boys that were mentally handicapped. I’ve seen them before.

They had pure, pure, intoxicating joy.

I watched them clap and dance under the moonlight, not caring what anyone thought.

I found myself so jealous of that happiness bubbling up. If I could just feel a handful of that joy for just a moment..then I realized that I was smiling, and what they had was contagious, I felt the magic...another gift to my soul ..that blooms hope.

~Almighty Heidi

If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it. ~Mary Engelbreit

I Scream For Ice Cream

2010-05-20T13:15:00.009-04:00

From understanding comes love ~Rumi

My son had a migrane for two days. The second day had worsened so bad we were sent to the ER, mainly because the severe headache along with his increase in his OCD and seeing things and all..well they just wanted to make sure.

This part is raw

this part is real..

the part that makes me feel just awful.

For a few moments..a few hours, I entertained the thoughts...

If it is a tumor that means maybe they can "fix" him. Maybe it's NOT him. Maybe we can just make this all go away.

Maybe they can make the number 5 go away...the number that he hears over and over and over again in his head..or the letter t..

555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555

His scans were fine. We were sent home after they gave him some medication to keep him from throwing up, and for the pain...one is used for schizophrenia.

TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

Then I got home and I had two rejection letters waiting for me for 2nd jobs. Not the worst part of my day..but it did not help things any.

I was numb untill today.

Today I am mourning the loss of life as I thought it was going to be. I think I needed to do this.

I am mourning for my son and I see the challanges ahead..and I am rolling twoards acceptance.

Tommorrow I will move on to acceptance...and I will fight the challanges with my son..

but today..

today I must tear off the superhero cape

cry like a baby...

eat chocolate ice cream...

scream into my pillow...

and be mad at the world

I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love. Mother Teresa

AlmightyHeidi

Superhero

2010-05-11T10:22:00.008-04:00

Childhood

At 5 and 6 we fought against the "bad guys"
in our underoo's, and capes made out of sheets

Making the world right
balancing the forces of good and evil
in the universe.

Valant heros
of the one room with airconditioning
on the steamy July afternoon.

The dark forces
invade our planet

"Didn't I tell you already
to go O-U-T-S-I-D-E" they say

We grab our invisible, but oh so powerful
lightsabers

plotting the ultimate demise
of the evil mothership and air conditioning conquest
for another day

as our secret plans

to find a neighbors pool

unfolds

~AlmightyHeidi

Thank you

2010-05-06T19:57:00.006-04:00

I never had a poem written for me
till today.

Thank you Matt
for the oxygen mask :)
Here is the link below:
http://www.shadowofiris.com/2010/05/07/almighty-heidi-keep-writing/

AlmightyHeidi

Words

2010-05-05T23:44:00.008-04:00

I did not think..earlier this week that I would have anymore words left to write
but I do...

There is this black hole that feeds off my soul
and I am not sure why it has chosen me

So I guess..I have to let it out

I have words..not of peace, or enilghtenment
but I guess of this path that I dont understand of now...

My father for the fourth time
the last
two weeks ago
has been broken into

he lives in fear
of every noise in his home

there is nothing left to take
nothing of value anyways

his one possesion
his tv, he hides in his bathtub every morning before work
and it is safe
no one has found it

His soul

my mom took with her when she left
he has tried so hard to build his life
and I watch him trying to put back the pieces of forty years
he his reached a place of peace within
that he can at least breathe

and my mother
is coming home, what used to be home
just for awhile later this month to help my daughter recoup from surgery
this is what my daughter wants
and besides..this is about her, and her healing

But

I worry
about my mom playing with my fathers emotions as she lives with another married man
for over a year,
and my dad does not have the heart to divorce her
He still wants her..his honey his "b" his life back.

I watch from the outside in
knowing that no matter what
I will be there to pick up the broken
with my father

My son can no longer attend school

"Mom picture the number five
now say it again five times
then ten times in your head
then fifty, then times a hundred
then if that does not work can you see the letter T
trace it over and over again with your finger
again and again..can you hear the teacher talking?"

His brilliant mind is jumbled wth letters
and numbers and computer codes that he cant find the off switch for

Maybe this..this is why did not want to write because it is
RAW
it is painful

but I dont know what to do with it
but write

and hope

somehow the universe can hear
the cry of my heart

I want to hide in the bathtub
I want to find that safe place
where no one can find me

I want to hide
but... I want to be seen
I need to be heard.

AlmightyHeidi

Adios

2010-05-04T15:46:00.002-04:00

The time has come where the income tax and savings have run out and child support is still ceased...and I have had the flu..for 5 days.

Im scared
kinda feel alone
without alot of options

Going to move into a tiny 2 bedroom place in July
if i can pull that off
which requires me landing that second job

So for now
I have nothing left to say

except
Im done writing

It was a fun.

Almighty Heidi

Stirring The Unseen

2010-04-29T09:56:00.004-04:00

Ok, Im not in a dark place..just thinking..meditating on a few things..I watched this show that brought up alot of feelings, that I am ok with now.

Numbing pain, not having to feel it or deal with it...always leads to a bigger problem. I was watching a show on a young 20 something who was using pain pills, cutting, anything to numb her pain from the age of 13 on.

She said she never felt..worthy enough....there was a hole she could not fill. ..and she kept trying to gill that empty space..with crap..masking emotion..numbing the insides. Then when all the world was against her, there was one, who saw her for who she was, had faith in her and helped her get better.

I know how dangerous that is, that not worthy feeling. Maybe it is a girl thing? I have been there. I dont know where it stems from, but it was there ..that feeling...from when I was 14 on up. There is not much I can attribute it to..it was like it was sewn into my genetic code somehow...and you look for stuff...to fill that hole..and all it does it make it worse.

This show touched me because I have been in those dark places, I think we all have been..within our own soul at one point.
Maybe..this is how we become the light
Maybe this is how we understand..the fragile humaness of others...of our selves.

When you finally allow yourself to feel..your soul stirs..good and bad...kinda like cleaning my fishtank..it looks good from the outside, but once the gravel starts moving around at the bottom, all the gunk surfaces to the top...untill you clean it all up, or..it settles to the bottom waiting for the gravel to be stirred again..and it starts to stink.

Screaming inside
twisted
broken
bound
by my own thoughts

Lay back
let her go
set me free

Falling into her soul
the one who stirs the unseen within me

whispering softly
against the madness

she who is assulted by her own self'
her own mind
her own feelings

bleeding
not to feel

I see in you
worthy
beautiful
strength beyond measure

release me
let me go and
stir the unseen
pateintly cleaning
the wounds of hurt

filling her soul with faith
courage
and love for herself
filling the empty spaces

Lay back

let her go

set me free.

Almighty Heidi

You are in truth of the soul, of the soul, of the soul

2010-04-22T11:29:00.005-04:00

"Oh soul,you worry too much.

You have seen your own strength.

You have seen your own beauty.

You have seen your golden wings.

Of anything less,why do you worry?

You are in truth the soul, of the soul, of the soul ~Rumi

My blog about control..good and bad. I went to the gym..and let it all out. Good.

The muscles, underneath the muscles, underneath those..hurt...but the heart still hurts, the worries are still there of course, but working out gives me a better clearer outlook of sorts.

I suppose it is not so much the control I am missing, as I need an outlet. I read this yesterday and it made me think.. :http://www.squarepegpeople.typepad.com/squarepeg_reflections/

Namahaby Tina M. Marks Shirley

The"lesser known" Sanskrit word that means "not me" or "its not about me." It reflects the notion that we are not the ones in control.

During those inevitable times when we feel lost or confused, don't know which way to turn, or when our best-made plans go awry, trust that all is as it should be and remember:

Namaha~ Inhale: It's not about me.

Namaha.Exhale: All is well.

Namaha.Inhale: There is a greater plan.

Namaha.Exhale: I have faith. Namaha.

That is a hard thing to do for me. My faith in the past few years..well lets just say hope seems like a fairytale...but I have to hang onto something....(so says my spirit)

But I think it is the one thing we as humans do..is hold on to some glimmer of hope, or faith that it is all intertwined somehow, there is a reason or a lesson behind it all..we have to when things are bad, upon bad upon bad.

If there was no reason, or fate, or something..life is pretty dark...dark is a scary bad place where I am choosing not to go.

So...

Inhale;It's not about me

Exhale: All is well

Inhale: there is a greater plan

Exhale: I have faith

~Almighty Heidi

Control

2010-04-20T13:53:00.004-04:00

I have not posted in awhile. That is because..well..im stuck.

There is a place I see myself often..that fork in the road. I sit there, contemplate it, watch it, curse it, love it hate it. There are many forks on my path...many many thousands along the way.

I have a card on my desk that says "Every day is day one, every stinkin day"

Isn't that the truth. I cant seem to walk my first step on the path. Im stuck..contemplate it, watch it, curse it, love it, hate it.

Im in a strange season in my life. I dont understand it. I dont think my mind can even wrap around any of it anymore...it's just too much...so I find myself being stuck.

I dont want to go anywhere.
I dont want to do anything.
Routine is comfort.

Right now every thing is out of control..and I cant make it stop...and I am in a funk...wait a minute..
FUNK
there it really needed to be capitalized.

Im going to escape soon..
into the world of sweaty bodies...
no..not quite what you were thinking
although..yum that would be nice too
Im going to the gym
and try and work the funk out.

Sometimes that works..
and gives the woman who wishes she had some control over the life around her
a tad bit back
over her own self
and that is exactly what I need

Almighty Heidi

Bliss

2010-04-08T13:11:00.003-04:00

And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. —Anaïs Nin

It is spring. Pollen is everywhere. Baby ducks are swimming with their watchfull mama at the lake I was at yesterday. Winter is gone, and there is life blooming .

Im ready to bloom..life has been so dark..so..winter.

So I thought I would write about something yummy.

In darkness

fear is lost

tender words echo

Off the chambers of my heart

I want to breathe you in

Holding me safely

the world for a moment

Is erased into sweet escape

I ache to stay in your comfort

Softly kissing

my soul captured

intoxicated

Heart pounding

I lie awake

and wish for you

~Almighty Heidi

Rambling Poetry

2010-04-05T15:39:00.004-04:00

I never wrote poetry..not untill the last year...now..it just happens. I have to write..it is my outlet..my drug of choice.

Here is the latest..I wrote today..just rambling..kinda dark, but Im kinda dark lately so here ya go:

Invention of tales
clothed in lies
your stench burns my nostrils

walking thru
thinking the world
is wrapped around your unwed finger
bound to no one

Standing firm upon deceit
confident of your own distortion
twisted darkness
causing pain on whom he touches

Looking at me

spinning the invention of tales

like a raveonous animal

sensing

that I can finally see who you are.

~Almighty Heidi

Light a candle

2010-03-28T17:45:00.003-04:00

This weekend, I was sick, real sick.

So much stress at times it has been unbareable. My daughters health insurance ends through the state when she turns 19 in less than 60 days. She has one surgery scheduled for her jaw..and for three months it will be wired shut.

But, that is not the issue. She reinjred her back where she has surgery. From the mri results it says she has a new herniation as well as reherniating the disk where she had the surgery. Medicaid here only covers if you are an adult female that is with child or that has children, which she is not. So in order to make sure she gets the care she needs I am left putting her on my insurance with a 5 k deductible and will take 380 out of my monthy paycheck.

So I got sick to my stomach. I dont know how to make this work. Her father has stepped out of the situation completly...but im tired of my emotions taking hold..my brain is on overlaod, and my soul aches. So I just unclenched my hands and let go.

Today...I just stepped into the land of acceptance, instead of making myself ill over it. I dont have all the answers, I dont know how its all gonna work...I dont know, but I will do what I know how.

I cleaned all Kaylas laundry, hung everything up so it is easy to reach, rearranged her drawers so everything she need is on the top drawer since she cant bend to get to the others. I lit a candle in her room, and I prayed as I cleaned. I made up the bed on the couch since her old lousy mattress causes pain. I shampoo'd her hair since it huts to much for her to do it herself. I keep the icepack cold in the freezer and keep her medicine nearby. My pugs keep watch, especailly cosmo who is usally my lap dog, he has turned into hers, not leaving her side.

My son is on new medication where he wants to sleep all the time, which Im hoping is healing for him. So I cleaned the clutter in his room, fluffed his pillow and made his bed so he can find rest. I lit a candle and prayed while I cleaned.

My other son is feeling lost in the shuffle, so I organized is clutter hoping he can find himself again..and I lit a candle, as a cleaned I prayed.

This is all I know to do.
I feel so empty, so I wait to see if Ican hear my soul speak..instead of my brain being in overload.

So I pray, and clean, and wait, and see what will happen next.

Almighty Heidi

Glacier Bay

2010-03-22T15:50:00.008-04:00

I read a quote today

"Im standing on a line between quitting and seeing how much I can take.."

Well I have no choice but to take it..I mumble to myself.

There is no quitting in the place where I stand, so I cross over to place where I feel blow upon blow, jolting my soul till it shivers on the bathroom floor.

My daughter re-injured her back. We get the results on Wednesday to see if she needs another surgery..on top of a surgery she is having in 5 weeks where her jaw will be wired for 3 months.

My middle child has severe OCD and anxiety...

Doc: What do you think is OCD Nathan:
Nate:I clench my hands, or my toes or my eyes. I cant stop,

Doc:What happens when you stop.
Nate:I cant take it..I want to die.(my heart is in my throat)

Doc:So what do you do when you cant stop?
Nate:I Keep going to the next level. I see letters.
Doc: Like the alphabet?
Nate:Yes..Mostly t and f..I try and focus on them..lower case.. lower case..but then if I cant get it It goes all the way through to upper case then lower case to t..and f...t...and f. ( and I look at his face and I know he sees the letters as he is tracing them with his finger in the air)

Oh man..oh man...im thinking. ..ive never heard he wants to die..or he is having hallucinations.

Doc: Do you hear things?

Nate: No No no of course not..hearing things is like schizophrena..ive read that Im not like them..no I dont hear things. ....

This is not ever how I dreamed my childrens lives would be...never ever never ever ever.

Then..the same day as this doctor appointment my youngest son tells me he has been smoking alot of pot and would like to get counseling too, he is depressed as he is becoming more and more concerned about their dad who is in the hospital...and his brother and sister.

After all the kids were tucked away in the rooms..

I turned the shower on and cried on my bathroom floor and wanted to puke ..so I hugged my new best friend..Glaicier Bay.. Glacier Bay sounds like such a lovely place...

that is the name of my toilet...

at least thats what it says near the lid.

Glaciers made me think of Alaska....maybe I just need to jump in my car..to Alaska...I hate the cold, I live in Florida..but maybe it would numb my insides.

In all seriousness..it would be nice..to just pause so my heart can breathe...and I would ask for my emotions back as they seem to belong to whatever situation happens to come along as of late.
Oh and whoever said that god never gives you more than you can handle..is a fucking liar...just putting it out there...my 2 cents.

Almighty Heidi

Touch

2010-03-10T11:41:00.005-05:00

I was reading a blog about a person who was violently ill on a plane. The woman next to her, a complete stranger could not speak her language but offered her coat, and stroked her arm through the flight…Shhhhh she would day Shhhhh as if she were a child. I was really in awe over this. Most would people would want another seat. Here is her link she allowed me to post.

http://www.oriahsinvitation.blogspot.com/

So I started writing..

There are no words

To heal my wounds

I cannot hear you

The hidden places that do not show

Bruised and blistered

Blind my ears

But you know
You understand, you’ve been there before

And you cover me with your coat of compassion
Protecting the fragility of my soul

Stroke my hair
With the hands of affection

As my emotions cripple my insides
Wrap me in your arms of comfort

Like a mother to its child
Shhhhhhhhhh

And you let me rest for awhile
As I find my way back

To unbroken.

~Almighty Heidi

Grasshopper

2010-03-03T10:12:00.005-05:00

When I was six I would pick dandelions. I did not know they were weeds. In my world they were beautiful yellow flowers...and these same flowers you could blow on and make wishes with.

About four houses down there was an elderly lady named Ms. White. I found out real fast if I brought her my treasured flowers, she would get wishes, I would get cookies!

I loved her..

Sometimes though, Ms. White’s great grandson would be over to visit. When I saw him behind her at the door, I wanted to run the other way, but she looked at me with relief..like somehow I could tame the wild animal with my magic powers.

Not so.

He was very hyper and it drove my little self nuts.

I wanted to dip my cookies in the milk, and watch the grasshopper in the screen. Ms. White would busy herself in the kitchen ignoring the boy who was in the chair out of the chair, back in the chair, out of the chair, tugging on grandmas apron, lying on the floor, talking to me…

interrupting my wonder of the grasshopper I roll my eyes in irritation and leave.

This is just a memory that brought me into this...

Dear God...the more invisible you are to me, the more I feel invisible to you.

I feel like the little boy who is in the chair, out of the chair, on the floor..trying to get your attention…

If there is a god..you don’t see me

Maybe you are looking somewhere else

Perhaps contemplating the grasshopper

Maybe you are busing yourself making something in the kitchen

Maybe I am just irritating

Maybe your just ticked cause I brought you weeds

I am here I am

look at me..see me…

Can I have a cookie?

Maybe I just need a dandilion and a wish...

Almighty Heidi

Birthday Shoes

2010-02-24T12:38:00.003-05:00

Monday..I turn 37. Ten years ago, when I was 27, I became a single mom.

I remember 27 very vividly, there was alot of hardship there..and I guess this birthday marks sort of a ten year anniversary, and my soul is on the floor.

My children were small. I would drop them off at 5 am at daycare so I could get to work as a waitresss for the breakfast crowd. This job was extremly physical, and exausting, and Im sure lead to my three back surgeries six years later.
After one of the wait staff slipped and broke her arm we were told that we had to get "Skid resistant shoes" by Saturday or we could not work the weekend shift.

To finacially survive I had to work the weekend shift.

Friday night I went to get the shoes..I wear size 9, and all they had left was 8 and below. I got the eight lf...I had to work. I did not have the gas money after paying for forty dollar shoes to go some place else..so this..is what I got.

Saturday was a brutal 12 hour shift..brutal. When I finally was cut off the floor, right after I got out the front door I had to take my shoes off. I peeled them off as the flesh on the back of my heels from the blisters wanted to tear off..and I had bruises all over.

I was in tears. My feet hurt so bad. What was worse was the next day, when I had to put them on again...and work 8 hours in agony.

When I went home that evening both of my front toenails were black from being compressed in a space to small. I soaked my feet in cold water all night.

My son wanted to see if his cars would float in the bucket with my feet. My daughter was hungry, and my other son was having a tantrum..so I just sat there silently and cried. Later I lost my toenails..it was gross.

That same year I got mono and tore my rotator cuff. I continued to lift trays, and I would come home and sleep with ice around my shoulder. Looking back I dont know how I did it.

This...this is what single moms do.We wake up in the mornings with 102 fever and get the kids off to school when they are little..because that is what you have to do. You miss feild trips and forgo soccer team..because there is no money, and going to a feild trip would mean missing time off work.

Now it is ten years later..the kids dad has dissappeared out of their lives,when he was present here and there it meant the world to them. It's left a big hole in their heart and has done some emotional damage that I cannot undo.

I am 37 the kids are no longer small.

My daughter was in an accident last year, and she has to go to a special school now because she missed so much time and could not graduate..or go to prom. The friends she had abandoned her, which can be a lonely place as a teen.

My middle son struggles with anger, ocd...mostly just an angry teen boy who breaks my heart on a daily basis...and whom I struggle to get to go to his therapist. He is too big to just put in the back seat and buckle up and make him go.

My youngest son is screwing up in school...and grades are a joke.

I miss the days of the floating cars in the bucket. I miss the day when my children filled the bathtub with tadpoles and made me scream as they were laughing so hard they cried....and when my son picked up a dead squirrel and brought it home..because it was cool. I miss knowing that when I put them in bed at night..they were safe and sound, and where they belonged, instead of out in the scary world. Where I could just kiss the boo boo and make it all better.

I am today as I was ten years ago..walking in shoes that are too small, and it is painful.

So for my birthday I have been served a peice of "Feel sorry for myself pie" with a side of defeat, and try and peel my soul off the floor even though it is blistered and bruised.

~Not so Almighty Heidi

Creative

2010-02-17T17:52:00.007-05:00

I want to color outside the lines
sing out of tune in the shower

Curl up beside a warm fire
listening to music
tunes evolking emotion
speaking in the language

we all understand

Writing
words from inside

spilling out

and leaving imprints

along the crumpled pages

and dance
with my two left feet
just because I can

Mediate
dream big dreams
going to the secret places

making wishes
that I know only my soul hears

And becoming the woman

even in the dark places

when its hard to feel anything

Listening
for the quiet whispers
of my creative soul

remembering how to live out loud.

~Almighty Heidi

When Life Hands You Lemons..

2010-02-09T17:50:00.002-05:00

Lemons are good..in a long island iced tea. I gave up making lemonaid.

I wrote an email this morning. Me, just like my truck..our alignent is off. IT wants to go right, and I keep pulling left, and Im just wearing out my tires.

I had a financial blow.. a big one, and now..my dream..oing back to school has to be ut on the backburner yet again, there is no way around it. So Im going to quit fighting it, and just..let it go..just for awhile.

This past week I got an unexpected smile in the mail. I had such an awful week, a bad day at work, on the way home..feeling hopless and defeated, I sat in my truck and cried all the way home.
Then I checked the mail..got a card from a freind..just letting me know that I matter.

This got me started on my guerilla art....What you say??

http://www.kerismith.com/funstuff/guerilla.htm

I remember awhile back..I had a dollar bill in my pocket and it said "It's going to work out, you'll see"

Little messages at just the right time are AWESOME. I have dry erase markers in the bathroom, and I leave notes for my kids, or silly pictures..and they do the same. It is just like mom shoving a note into your lunchbox.

There is another site that makes me laugh sometimes:

http://www.foundmagazine.com/

This site has litle notes, or scribbles in books, pictures or drawings found..posted by other people...not exactly Guerilla art..but cute...

So send out a message to the universe somehow...you might get someone thats pretty low..at just the right time.

Almighty Heidi

Unspoken

2010-02-01T12:48:00.006-05:00

Inhaling silence

The place filled with the wisdom
of our spirit

and the ancestors before us
speaking without words

understanding the language
which is not yet written

teaching me to listen

Silence is the place

where invisible grace
is born

acknowledging humanness

It’s tender fragile body

healing her with loving thoughts

she uncovers her pain

Exhaling silence

breathing out
The turmoil of my mind

whispers of affection
fill my soul

taking its residence

among the new land of introspection

calm intuition
is delivered with not fear

but compassion
of the unknown

and I grasp
But for a moment

the unseen

and I hear her silence

the wisdom of her unspoken language

understanding the unwritten

and my soul begs me

to find her

again

~Almighty Heidi

Look Down

2010-01-25T13:23:00.010-05:00

Looking down

She wiggled her toes

This was the moment

she finally realized

it clicked

she was standing on her own two feet

regardless of it all.

and her spirit smiled

as her toes danced.

~Almighty Heidi

I Do

2010-01-20T15:47:00.005-05:00

Im not ready to get married anytime soon, in fact the "M" word makes me have to hyperventalate into a bag..I dont like the old marriage vows, or the idea of the old fashioned marriage.

I do not want to be..a Wife.

Wife is the cleaner, cooker,dog walker, provider of sex, and caretake of children and appointments...on top of providing an income on her full time job as well.

I want to be..partner..friend..lover..helper. I know in a relationship there are responsibilities, but I do not want that to define my "role". I dont even like the word role.

So I wrote up I do's..the way I would like to see them..one day..when I dont need a paper bag and xanex.

I Do

Promise to let you breathe

to let you make your own way

I Do promise

that if you change

not to be afraid

but to embrace it and recognize it

as you evolving into the person you are meant to become

I Do promise to say I'm so sorry

when I thought I was so right

and to hold your heart close

if I have hurt you

I do promise to love you

to the very best of my ability

when you are unloveable

understanding that I will have my days

of being unloveable too

I do promise when life just gets too hard

and the bills are piled up

and dogs thrown up on the floor

to find a way back

to the belly laughing

corney joke telling

snort when I laugh

person that I am

(while I ask you

to please clean up the throw up

its been a long day)

I do promise

to open up

and speak my mind fairly

and you yours

and not hold back on my journey

or hold you back on yours

but I will always ask

when I reach for your hand along the way

it will always be there waiting for mine.

~~So I noticed after I wrote this..that I was really writing this to my own self...

Try making your own "I do list"..it's very enlightening

~Almighty Heidi

Go With The Flow

2010-01-18T12:25:00.007-05:00

Something..odd..different is happening…a whole new vibe.

Last year I did a lot of cleansing of relationships, people, and myself. I had to work on it, I had to work on it hard and let go.

This year, I wanted to make an all around healthier me…I wanted to last year, but the energy was not there.

Now..It’s just flowing, I can only assume because what my soul is carrying around is lighter.

The word "No" is fluent in my vocabulary..and it is easy for once.

No, I do not have the finances right now, No I do not need that peice of cake, No you cannot cross this line. No No No. I dont feel an internal guilt struggle. I just dont... wow.

The word "Yes" has found it's place as well.

Yes I will take a break and have a cup of zen tea, Yes I will go to bed early because I am tired, yes I will leave the laundry in the dryer... and again..no guilt..zip..zero..nada..none.

I read a lot before bedtime now, and I bought some new body lotion and a candle that I love..I cleaned out my truck and switched out some cd's in it. I also cleaned my office space..well..just because...thats what I wanted to do...not because I had to do it.

Im not sure if it really is a new vibe, or a brain tumor, because I actually enjoy going to the gym now instead of loathing it... hmm.

There is still alot to work on..I will always have things to work on, I never want to stop growing and evolving into the person that I am meant to be.

Untill then, Im going to go with the new flow..and enjoy it.

Blessings

Almighty Heidi

Note To Self

2010-01-12T14:17:00.010-05:00

Why is it that we can so easily forgive others, see their beauty..uplift them, give them praise..but to our own selves..my own ...I sell myself short.

Note To Self

Be kind when it's difficult to see the goodness in you

Be patient with you when your lost in your own soul

this is when you are most creative.

Listen to music

she is your muse

Find your beauty

send tenderness to the place

that shuns your reflection

Let love in

and swell your heart

till she she is abundantly full

Never stop hungering for more

and when you do

dont listen to the whispers of self doubt

You will resent the time lost

Hold onto your passion

and she will find her way to you

Allow yourself to wander in dreams

but find

center

a safe place to dwell

Soothe and nurture your soul

when it is hurt and broken

care for it as you would your childrens

Never waver in your heart or mind

when you know the answer

deep in your gut.

And when you dont know..

Love me

Choose me

Pick me

Remember?

What you feel

What you want

What you say

counts too.

~Almighty Heidi

A Good Read!

2010-01-06T09:44:00.007-05:00

http://www.sisterspirit3.com/princess%20dani.htm

This is a story I read..im so happy I did, I have another new blog to read! *YaY* I love to read, and this story..is really magical to me...almost like something out of the movies. It's kind of my new muse. It is also tied together the last lines on the poem below about the grandmother.

Thanks Dani for the inspiration! You can find her blog here: http://www.sisterspirit3.com/

~Almighty Heidi

I Am Her

2010-01-04T22:13:00.008-05:00

Late night thoughts..

I am her

Daughter
who would not be born
untill her father entered the room
I hope to make you proud

Sister and friend
tell me all your secrets
and I will hold them as precious treasures
as we dream of who we want to become

Mother
who protects her young
the one who would place herself before the gods
without a blink begging
"Take me, not them"
Her who sees their futures soon to be

Woman
Who fiercly gives all her loyalty
and expects the same in return
vulnerably placing her trust
in the warmth of your skin
hoping you will keep it always

Grandmother
who writes in her journal
to her grandchildren
To the woman she hopes that I am
"Remember who you are"

Time too soon passes
I and I know
that I am her

~Almighty Heidi

Dreaming...

2010-01-04T10:51:00.008-05:00

What an uber cool way to bring in 2010.
New Years eve night I had the most vivid beautiful dream.

I was in Colorado, visiting my grandmother, then I decide to travel to this familiar place. I had seen it in many dreams before over the years. It was mountain that was flat at the top. I would hike there, then rest.

This time the dream continued on.
I was winding through the mountain roads.

The road I was on was actually cut through the mountain so on my left and right were towers of beautiful rock. It was spring, and life was..just..everywhere.

To my right were these huge white flowers the size of magnolia blossoms..tons of them winding up and down. I stopped and drank from the stream and the water was cool and so pure.

Then I was inside the mountian and there were etchings all allong the wall.
Ancient carvings..beautiful art.
Then I remember standing in front of the most magnificant one.
The etching was over 5 feet tall. It was of just a lions head, mane flowing.
The expression was relaxed, but confident, it's eyes were intuitive and peaceful.

I reached across and touched the stone, I almost did not want to..it was ..like ..holy ground...

I let my hands glide over the creature, the beautiful Lion...

Then I woke up in 2010.

Interesting huh?

Almighty Heidi

2009

2009-12-30T22:03:00.003-05:00

The things I have learned in the past year

that in the darkest dark
the stars shine the brightest

That it is ok to let go of toxic relationships
it is nessasary, not greedy, to fill life wth the good things

Ive learned that in order to let the goodness in
I have to take the bricks away from the self made wall of protection
and it's ok to be vulnerable sometimes
because hiding behind the walls
does not allow for healthy relationships
that my innermost desires

I learned that I feel everything from others
pain, sadness, loss deep down
Ive learned that empathy is a gift
but not to lose myself along the way
to learn to observe sometimes
instead of absorbing it all

Ive learned that life does not stand still
just because you hurt to your very core
I must get up in the morning
and breathe, and take the covers from over my head down.

Ive learned there will always be loss pain, sadness, darkness
on our jouneys

Sometimes you gotta scrape your soul off the floor
and move on

and maybe it is designed like this
so we dont stay in the darkness for too long

because by moving on
this is how I grow as human

and then
I can see the stars

Almighty Heidi

Being Present

2009-12-30T13:48:00.005-05:00

Well being as it is the new year... it is resolution time.

I have a freind who is dying.

Mother of four. Wife, daughter, sister, mother, advocate for rape and domestic viloence victims.

I don't get "god" sometimes.

She has grasped onto life and is going to make it into 2010 against the odds..

In one of her letters to me she said this:

I’ve thought about his a great deal: we often do not fully enjoy the people in our lives. I am talking about belly laughing, hugging, spontaneous “I love being with you” joy that others bring. You have really made a difference in my life joy. My life is better because you are here. Sitting down and really being interested in what makes a person tick.

Sue, you have helped make me a better person.

This year..the resolution..is to BE PRESENT.

I will listen..hug more..love more..and..I will belly laugh..as many times as I possibly can. I will allow joy in...

I will be present.

I love you Sue.

~Almighty Heidi

Meditate

2009-12-28T13:38:00.008-05:00

Daydreams

Thinking of the faraway

Welcoming thoughts

Traveling to the places

that pull me

Blue waters call my name

waves of oxygen

gathering in the light that surrounds me

the accumulation of the years

is quietly released, with each breath

Traveling to the fields

where the flowers

never fail to bloom

breathing in the scent

attracting the ambient light

visions of the future unfold

Climbing the mountains

sipping the cool water from the stream

energizing my soul

light shines through me

Hearing the song

of my own heart

love overflows with each beat

Indulging in thoughts of pleasure

Entertaining the magnificent

the life of where I belong

in my own mind

Desperately seeking

Peace

I am awakened

collpasing into reality

but for a moment comforted

I am reminded of the forever

So I sip my tea

close my eyes

and go back

to where light surrounds me

~Almighty Heidi

Oh Father

2009-12-22T17:29:00.015-05:00

I saw your soul crumble

the untamed force

of pain

Each room in the house holds memories

ripping open the already wounded

her " I miss you" phone calls

pierces your heart

trying to find something of substance in her words

the gravity of past pulling her deeper into the darkness

to the place where she left us all

How can I help make you whole again

picking up the shattered pieces of your life

that sacred place is your own

and you hold the red stained pieces

holding them in your palm carefully

as fragile treasures of the past

desperately trying to make it as it once was

The lingering scent of her perfume

stings his nostrils

I cannot comprehend the love of forty years gone

The image of her burns in your dreams

going beyond reason in your mind

begging her to come home

How do I help you breathe

and I have not the heart to tell you

she will never come.

~Almighty Heidi

Quench

2009-12-17T14:23:00.004-05:00

Stumbling in the desert of my own mind

demons wait

Speaking riddles

I do not understand

I ask you to quench my thirst

And you show me the river

Telling me I am already in a land of plenty

Help me to understand I ask

And you paint me the night sky and say

Have faith

That who you are is enough

and become the person

you all ready are

and I stumble back

into the desert of my own mind.

~Almighty Heidi

Another...

2009-12-14T12:05:00.005-05:00

The past few weeks have been some tough ones. My son is going through a difficult time, he has ocd/anxiety issues, that I finally got him medicated on..and it worsened the symptoms. There are some other family issues as well…and it has made me emotionally worn.

I had a good weekend, but these things lingered in the back of my mind always.

I wish I knew how to fix him…to fix everything…..it’s not like it is when they are little and you can “Kiss it and make it all better”…and I feel utterly helpless.

Work has been just plain ugly. I had a dream last night about the building I work in. There was some kind of earth quake the building crumbled..and my job..was gone…then my own house crumbled..jobless and homeless..great.

Then a restless dream I have had a few times of being in a place and knowing I did not belong there…but not sure how I got there or how to leave….frustrating.

*sigh* even in sleep sometimes there is no peace of mind..I know this is just another phase..another season..another another...

But I know in my heart it will all be ok...and this gets me through..the another..

I believe in the magic this unknown force..that it will be ok..so Im just going to hold onto that for awhile.

Almighty Heidi

Beautiful Boy

2009-12-09T11:38:00.006-05:00

I wish I could free your mind

not quite man

not quite child

from this prision within

for you I prayed

but all the angels music

does not make sense in your head

chords playing out of tune

jagged twisted

even the sun has become dark

oh wounded soul

my beautiful boy

asking the gods

to let it be me instead

where is the key

to set you free

Then you can let the music

speak it's truth

in a language you understand

softly whispering

untangling thoughts

calming the mind

finding the path

I refuse to let you go

I will stay close while your world is falling

go to the place

where the sun shines again

Almighty Heidi

Where The Trees Whisper My Name

2009-12-03T12:32:00.006-05:00

Falling from grace

A place where the world is not friendly

The birds they no longer sing to her

The trees no longer whisper her name

She cannot hear

The wind, it blows through her hair

But she cannot feel

Running away

Calloused heart

catches her breath

Her words are salted wounds

Bubbling up from the place within

Stinging, with each syllable

The empty ache

This unfamiliar self

"This is not who I am"

Leads her back, climbing up to the sky

She falls back into grace

Where in this world, she is not alone

The birds sing to her

The trees whisper her name

And the wind blows through her hair

Honoring herself

Brave heart
catches her breath

Her words are like honey

Radiating from the place within

Soothing with each syllable

Finding herself familiar

in that sacred place

with wings

she had all along

flys into grace

~Almighty Heidi

Fate Smiled

2009-11-30T13:53:00.006-05:00

I have alot of old stories up in this old head of mine. This one came to me last night, I had forgotten about it, tucked it away, but really needed the reminder of what has been and still will be.

To get to the end we must go through first...sometimes, like it or not, have times where we just have to walk thru the fire and hope for the best, there is nothing left to do...you "got nothing left"

Im pretty sure I shared in a past blog about having my daughter just a few months after turning 18. After being kicked in the stomach while pregant with my son..I had to go. So I ended up right outside Orlando and have been here ever since.

Now the divorce was another matter. I waited untill my son was born. I did think for just a moment that maybe maybe Ken would come to his senses...but when I went into labor, I was alone, and in pain...did I mention alone...my mom came to the hospital 4 hours later but there was a sense of ultimate resignation. She read a magazine in the corner..while I wans nawing at a blanket in pain. There was alot of stress on my parents end, I get that now, boy do I get that, but I still needed a hand holder...

Ken showed up..drunk..as I was being rolled into the delivery room, and flirted relentlessly with the labor nurse...untill I rumbled in a deep satanic voice..GET OUT.

Later I held my son..alone and cried. I know this was all bad timing, I know I messed up, but I love you, and I want you, and I rocked him till the nurse came to get him, and my hands trembled all night not knowing how or what life was going to be like.

This was one of the many points I knew, it was time for the divorce. The story above is one in it's own..it still makes me tear up alot thinking about it. I waas going to erase it, but it is a part of my journey, and it is sacred regardless of it all.

but it does lead to the story below..

Ken had already filed for divorce in Marion county, but because I had moved to Orange County, I could not apply for legal aid in marion, but because I had not lived long enough in Orange I could not get legal aid there either.

No money for a lawyer...I had to go to a court hearing..alone. I was petrified.

Summons came and I had to go to court...my father went with me, but they would not let him in the room even for moral support.

His lawyer tore me to shreds. Stating I had not let Ken see the children...I had begged him to...I even drove them down just a week after by myself so his parents could see the new baby... and and..and...

I tried to speak, but trying to explain myself, there had been no child support all this time...but what I was saying was hearsay..blah blah blah.

Kens lawyer and the judge started their own law mumbo jumbo session and they became a blur.

All I could do to stop crying was try to focus on the door behind the judge, it was cracked. I could see feet moving back and forth pacing, pausing, pacing again.
I was biting the inside of my cheek..
trying to make the pain I felt inside go somewhere else for awhile..

I did not want to cry..so biting the inside of me cheek the hardest I could ..

watching the feet pacing...

Swallowing down the blood and the big knot in my throat.

I left with a very stern warning and visitation schedule from the judge. I was made out to be..the bad guy?

Ever cry so hard you cant catch your breath?

All my emotions just burst at that moment. I did not know what to do next. I was just emotionally..exausted.

I felt violated

misjudged

wounded.

As I was trying to breathe, and wiping my tears and old man entered the room after the hearing was over.

He walked over to me, put his hand on my shoulder as I was looking down.

"Honey..why is it that you do not have an attorney?"

In between sobs I told him the whole story, and he smiles.
Then he takes my hand and says.."You need to come with me" and I swear if that old guy did not shoot a dirty glance at the Judge on the way out.

I looked at his feet..he was the one pacing outside the door.

I collected my belongings, and waived to my dad to follow

We ended up in an office down the street.

"I am an ex judge here in Marion county. I work with the legal aid society, I practacally run it now that im retired, and I am going to take your case, now tell me everything.."

This is one time, I walked on the jagged hot rocks through the fire...and fate smiled...he really really smiled...

After that things were as smooth as butter on the legal end. Life..oh it's always been a struggle but whose isn't. But I needed this reminder this week..sometimes you just gotta walk through the fire...and have a little faith that fate might keep on smiling.

Almighty Heidi

Tough Angels

2009-11-24T09:15:00.003-05:00

http://www.toughangels.com/index.html

This is a site my friend Terri put up..please go there..take a look around..let it pull your heart strings.

Heidi

The World In Color

2009-11-20T15:18:00.004-05:00

Take me on a journey

Take my hand

Tell her you love her unconditionally

Go to the place where all the colors change

Because nothing ever stays the same

Take her far away from Grey

Grey is what she sees

Where the amount of love given

She holds her worth

Take her to the inner power

Of validation in her own self

Take her to the place of no guarantees

Where fear will not guide

But her own intuition

Because the colors

They always change

Step into the pool of reflection

allowing her to see her imperfections

let her work her way patiently through them

hold her and love her always

Lie her down in that sacred place

Of her own soul

Unclenching her hands

Away from her own vulnerability the need to protect herself

Taking away the stones she wanted to throw

Have her let go

opening up

I can finally see

all of the beautiful color.

Almighty Heidi

A Million Miles To Nowhere

2009-11-17T10:30:00.008-05:00

Walking a million miles to nowhere

Pondering the significance of it all

Life is not written on the palms of my hands

But on my shoulders

Weighing in what has been and is going to be

Walking a million miles to nowhere

I see the past

The story of me

The places where I crumbled when I fell

And the places where I learned how to rise

Walking a million miles to nowhere

I look to the future

But the visions of behind

Blur the forward motion of discovery

Stopping for breath

I thirst for the moment

I lie and wait until it comes

Finding the beauty of today

even if ugliness taints it

balancing the fine line of fate and will

I walk without apology

Writing a new chapter

taking my first steps

in a new place

Awakening to the brilliance of now

>~Almighty Heidi

Simple Things

2009-11-12T09:16:00.014-05:00

The other suprising side of the almighty...

1. I love my converse tennis shoes..love love love them.

2. I have a truck...it's a Ford F150 lariet king cab..black..and it kicks butt

3. Yes..I have a bit of tomboy in me, but I am still very "woman", even though..I *hate* pink...but I will wear pink for breast cancer awareness month, and to even it out, I would have to wear the converse tennis shoes too. I LOVE MY BOOBIES. I could not imagine having to cut waway at my woman-hood like that. I would to save my life, but wow..my heart goes out to all cancer suvivors.

4. Tattoo?? Why yes I do. I had wanted one for a long time, and 4 years ago on my birthday went and got one on my shoulder.

5. Piercings....no comment :)

6. The same day I got my tattoo, my x (gambling addict) for MY birtday wanted to take ME gambling..hmmmm. Very self serving. I like to play poker so I decided to enter a tournament to keep myself busy for a few hours....I came in first place against all men and won a grand...COOLEST thing ever.

7. My fathers nickname for me is Grace. I am the child that did not run with scissors..nooo I was very timid and careful but I did walk with scissors..tripped, and stabbed myself in the gut and had to be rushed to the hospital.

8. I ran into my own wall this morning.

9. I want an Army jacket..even though there are only 2 months in florida I can wear it.

10. Tattoo..another one?..absolutly..one day.

11. I am a dog person...Cats are ok i guess..litterboxes are gross..and..well I am so allergicc to cats, my face swells up like "hitch" and I can't stop sneezing, even the roof of my mouth itches, it is a terrible, terrible experience. My mom had 5 cats..ugh...and one is the spawn of satan.

12. I start lifting weights in the gym next week..I hate weights..but..I want to do chin ups like the guys do...because....well...why not?

13. I can curse like a sailor. I normally dont, but I work with all guys. I have no problem using the f-bomb.

14. Sarcastic....ohhh so sarcastic, and I have a very SICK sense of humor. Again..workking with ALL guys, there is nothing I have not heard, and it is REALLY REALLY REALLY hard to offend me with humor.

15. I will never judge ANYONE on what there love prefrences are as far as race or sex goes.I do not care if you are gay, lesbian, bi, tranny, black white, whatever... anything...to me..love is love, and we are lucky to fine "the one" no matter race or sex.

Now, I still am girly, I like to get my nails done..

Shoes? A girl can NEVER have too many

Candles, wine, hot bubble baths yes yes yes.

Love to decorate, and have mad cooking skills.

Sooooooo...

This week was a tough one..real tough. Part of what is going on is learning how to love me...who knew that woule be so difficult?

So I listed things I liked about me...and these, just made me laugh and shake my head, because when I listed them like this, I had a picture in my mine of a bad ass biker chick with a doberman...wonder if my cape would look good on a Harley...

Have a great weekend...

Almighty Heidi

Thank You

2009-11-11T09:27:00.002-05:00

To the Almighty Family.......

For my brother in Japan who has served 19 years in the Air Force..My father who served in Vietnam, serving 11 years in the Marines.. and both my grandfathers serving in WW2 and retiring from the Airforce..THANK YOU Thank you thank you, as we celebrate veterans day and remember what you have done for us.

Thank you all you out there who have served our country.

Heidi

Crap

2009-11-10T20:00:00.002-05:00

Just having a rough night...wish I were numb..when my hand was healing..after it was burned..they had to peel the infected skin off, it hurt..I hated it, but it had to be done so new skin would come about...My hand is hardly scarred.

It's kinda what im feeling today...the skins being peeled off and it hurts.

Working It Out

2009-11-10T10:27:00.004-05:00

So after about 4 days of anger, I decided to get on the elliptical...I cant run anymore because of my past back surgeries..and I miss it...I got angry about that too..

So I get on the elliptical..put on my best angry workout music, and go...

I am not getting off till Im done being pissed off.

So I was on for an hour and a half..went 8 miles....I would have gone longer, but my legs..ohhhh my calves are aching...

So I cooled down.. "Are you done almighty" I asked myself.

"NOPE..still mad" said the aliens....

Damn.

The eliptical tamed the beast within for now, at least has taken away the tight ache in my soul.

Im still fighting with stuff in my head...pretty sure there is a padded room for that..maybe I will get myself a custom made straight jacket too..in pink..because I hate pink..and that will just piss me off...and I can roll around in it..in the padded room..with mystery medications that make me
see green elephants dancing...

Made myself laugh...

------->Not really psycho Almighty Heidi..(but the aliens are)

Angry Almighty

2009-11-09T08:41:00.005-05:00

Anger

Weird how anger just creeps up on me these days. I suppose since the dust has settled, moving, surgery, illness, and now that the calm has set in…now all of a sudden..I’m just pissed off all the time...

Maybe I have created a monster. For years, i just did not allow myself to feel. Crying was a sign of weakness, other feelings had no place, because they did absolutly no good..at least that is what I told myself to get by...so this rush of emotion...oh baby as it been bottled up..and it's almost alien and I dont know what to do with it..where to catagorize it in my head, what to do with it..

All weekend, it was a beautiful..I spent some time at the park, and on the back yard with the tiki tourches..felt the breeze..the kids were fine..life was going ok..

But I am pissed…Why??

I can feel it rising from my belly, tightining to my chest, and with each breath, oozing out of my soul like poision...it feels like poision.

I had a dream last night..pissed me off, it was about my mom, leaving me with the responsibility of the husband she left, my dad. He has no one here but me, he has some health issues…I don’t know how to handle things sometimes..so I’m pissed...

My daughter emailed me today, said she’s staying with her dad..it hurts..and I hate getting hurt so..you guessed it, I am pissed.

One of my co-workers came in this morning, and started preaching on the inevitable doom of the company I work for..we all kinda feel like the end is coming, but hope it’s not, because it’s our bread and butter.

My father works for the same company, and has been here for almost 20 years…and well that worries me, and damn it what a crappy way to start a Monday..thanks for reminding me that we are all facing joblessness soon, and that I as a single provider to three teenagers, am always adressing this concern in the back of my mind, and it scares me and thanks alot you freakin asswipe for making my week untolerable already....so I am pissed...

I’m pissed at somebody who abused my trust. An apology came, but reminders of it still come around, and I can’t seem to fully let it go, and am not sure how..so im just pissed at the person, because I was hurt so terribly deep on an already beat up heart and pissed for letting my heavily guarded walls down...and why the fuck cant I seem to just move on like I always do?

I’m pissed that Christmas is coming too soon, and my finances are depleted.

I know that “This too shall pass”. I do know it is a process..most of this feeling is because of being hurt, and instead of tearing up, im just getting mad, and the more I let the mad out, the more I tear up..oh lordy Im a basket case..

Anger is flowin like a river..and honestly..oooooOOOOoooo ARGGgggggg ..and Im just cursing like a sailor..cause I can.

Almighty pissed off Heidi

Going through the motions

2009-11-04T08:52:00.000-05:00

So today I have a job interview. It is a seasonal one, to supplement my income during the holidays, so if I get it, the next 2 and a half months I would leave my job, to go to another..in retail, ewww.

Retail during the holidays..makes me claustrophobic. *sigh*

I have mixed feelings about it. The mom in me wants to stay home and bake pumpkin spice loaves, decorate the home, and watch the Macys day parade , watch The Grinch Stole Christmas and such, but…every cent I make now goes towards bills, there is no extra to spare.

I’ve been in the spot not being able to give my kinda anything for Christmas, and I refuse to go there again, it is too heartbreaking.

So Im gonna put on my cape, and sword and do what I gotta do.

Almighty Heidi

Meet Captain Markle The Almighty Heidi

2009-11-02T08:49:00.007-05:00

I'm not sure if I ever posted this picture before, but I love it...yeah I started out blonde, I have almost black hair now, but believe me...there's ALOT of blonde in this girl!!

This is me and my big brother Mark...we fought evil dooers, monsters, you name it we fought them..him as Captain Markle, and me as his sidekick the Almighty Heidi.

This is where the name comes from...and I guess it has sorta stuck...we also thought we were the "Wonder Twins" and Luke and Princess Leah..childhood imagination was a must back then.

We were so poor, but ya know what? We did not even understand that till years later...all of us piling into one bed to keep warm was an adventure..it wasn't because there was not any heat!

Mark is still a superhero to me, he is going into his 20th year in the Airforce, and currently serving in Japan.

I miss him very badly right now, this will be the first set of holidays he will not be visiting..feeling kinda down about that, but to keep me busy I am painting part of my home. One of the walls I already completed, now I have one more. I dont like renter white. Warm colors..make the house feel like home, ya know?

However..before I paint, Im going to drink so herbal tea, and drink a gallon of thera flu..who knew superhero's could get sick...darn.

I guess this is it for now..

Wishing you a week filled of superhero powers!

Almighty Heidi

Just Me

2009-10-28T19:33:00.009-04:00

ME... Just me...

So..I feel like I have had some sort of mental block break through..not sure about what but it feels damn good.

Last night I had a dream of my x..he came into my house, never said a word, but he was looking room to room, looking at MY things..touching my things in my home. I felt violated, he did not belong there anymore and to get out.

It was good.

I don't have much to blog about, I have been hitting the gym, for my own self esteem issues pretty hard, went 6 miles today..and wow..it's amazing how much I feel like I'm venting when get there..how much anger I'm puting out, working out, and thinking about on the eiliptical..maybe thats why I went for so long. By the way.my favorite download is "best of you" by the Foo Fighters. The song was not on my playlist but here are the words..I LOVE THIS SONG.

I've got another confession to make

I'm your fool

Everyone's got their chains to break

Holdin' you

Were you born to resist, or be abused?

Is someone getting the bestThe best, the best, the best of you?

Or are you gone and onto someone new?

I needed somewhere to hang my head

Without your noose

You gave me something that I didn't have

But had no use

I was too weak to give in

Too strong to lose

My heart is under arrest again

But I'll break loose

My head is giving me life or death

But I can't choose

I swear I'll never give in

I refuse

Is someone getting the bestThe best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?

It's real, the pain you feel

You trust, you must confess

Is someone getting the bestThe best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?It's real, the pain you feel The life, the loveYou'd die to heal The hope that starts The broken hearts You trust, you must confess

Is someone getting the bestThe best, the best, the best of you?

I've got another confession my friend

I'm no fool

I'm getting tired of starting again

Somewhere new

Were you born to resist, or be abused?

I swear I'll never give in, I refuse

Is someone getting the bestThe best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?It's real, the pain you feel You trust, you must confess

Is someone getting the bestThe best, the best, the best of you?

Maybe this will help me get to my goal by my birthday..cause you know the Almighty once she makes up her mind about something...

I thought I'd share two pictures wth you just cause they made me smile.

This is me sharing my morning coffee at work with you..it used to be a double shot non fat, sugar free grande vanilla latte...due to the economy..it is now...Mccafe..Ha!

This is me right before I went to the gym after work..OOOhh I dreded it, Im saying BOOOOO in the picture but feel awesome now. Not a pretty picture but..Still laughing I look so enthused. NOT!
Thats it for today...

Oh I think I got it as I'm writing this..my past..my present..it does not define who I am..I make those choices. Yeah..ok I refuse :o) GOT IT!

YES!!

Almighty Heidi

The Gift

2009-10-26T09:42:00.004-04:00

Last night I felt it.

This morning I felt it.

Ever feel like something extrodinary was going to happen?

I felt something in my soul just…click.

Like a piece that was missing that was put back into place, or actually more like something new..a gift, that I could not open, but I so oo want to like a kid on Christmas day.

Dang, what was in my cheerios this morning?

But..Who am I to turn away a gift to the soul?

With wide open arms..I'LL TAKE IT..

I’m going to hold onto it..shake it, hold it to the light and try to figure out what it is till I am allowed to open it.

Almighty Heidi

All The Beautiful People

2009-10-20T09:22:00.006-04:00

It's not the length of life, but the depth of life. Ralph Waldo Emerson

When things are ugly, I have found that I have many beautiful people in my life.

We can uplift or crush the spirits of every person who comes into our lives...

luckily in the past year..

I have found the uplifters

or they have found me

I have issues with self,

me,

I cant see my own self sometimes,

but I think I see it in the reflections of others who have come into my life.

How is it that we can love others so deeply, or give to another person, but can do the same for our own selves..

Dear self,

I will learn to love you without boundaries or limitation.

Damn thats a hard one.

But the people in my life now..

Wow

I have found..

Love with no strings attached

I am surrounded
by depth

I see your reflection

I am surrounded
by you

and I can see me.

Almighty Heidi

Monday

2009-10-19T14:35:00.008-04:00

The weather has been nice, I took a few walks this weekend around the park, took a few pictures I will post later. Not much to write today, so I thought I'd post you one of Almighty's favorite songs...good words..good music..good feeling.

Soooo Have a good one. Ignore the commercial in the beginning)

Almighty Heidi

Be Kind..

2009-10-14T19:57:00.006-04:00

I'm just telling like it is tonight..

My previous relationships have been pretty abusive, one physical one very verbal. The last relationship I was in hurt. I pushed alot under the carpet do to speak to...survive I suppose. We were together almost 7 years. When I met him I was tiny tiny, I was a runner..to thin you could see my bones. Then I was in an auto accident and the back pain began. In those years I have had almost 20 steroid injections in my back along with shots and oral steroids, then 3 surgeries, the final last year.

Steroids are not a girls friend..they make you gain weight..and with the back issues I became immobile..and was in chronic pain for 2 years..I would never wish this kind of pain on anyone.

The day after my first surgery I was expected to make dinner and clean the house

The second we had to move, and it was my job to pack, and help move...well thats just a tiny bit of it..but thats not quite the point...but htat lead me to the third surgery.

And yes..I am no longer a size f'ing 4.

The last few years he no longer kissed me..no longer touched me...sex..nada.

I asked why

The answer was because I gained weight.

This is when I planned my escape..but it hurt me to the core...more than I knew.

This started me not able to look at my own body anymore..stopped looking in the mirror.

So now..I started the process of healing..thought I was doink ok.

Today a co-worker walked in and said "How ya doin fat girl"

I am in a downward spiral.

down

down down

I know he has no IDEA of what this has done

He sort-of apologized..I said oh it's ok..i dont care...

But..

The self esteem I've been trying to build..

DAMN.

Then I started thinking, I have my own sarcastic since of humor..

makes me think..to rethink my humor sometimes..

But just saying..

Just remember to be kind.

Sooner or later I will bounce back,

but for now..Im just hurting.

trying not to sweep my feelings under the carpet

it does not work for me anymore...

Not so

Almighty Heidi

Greater Than

2009-10-11T20:13:00.008-04:00

Do you ever feel like there is something bigger than yourself

pushing..leading..whispiring

go this way

do this... not this

for me it is a protective feeling

like family, big brother watching

someone that has been here before,

done it all...understands..a mentor of sorts.

Or maybe it's me

listening to

my own voice..

finally.

Heidi

Blue Sunday

2009-10-11T17:11:00.005-04:00

The weather here has no let up. We had a bit of tease with cool weather, but then bam high of 97. I wish it would cool down soon, I have been staying indoors because of the mugginess, and it's bringing my spirit down.

This week I have to go do a placement test. Im meeting with my admissions advisior the following week, so I have to take the test this week...ew.

Between this and my last transcripts, it will show what classses I NEED to take. So..I did an online practice test..I aced the english..*YAY*

Then came the math...I "christmas tree'd" it. For two hours I have been sitting here trying to take some tutorial courses in Algebra..so I dont fail miserably..but....I need a real person to teach me.

Im frustrated, and tired already, and my self confidence just went in the toilet.

The sad thing is I do alot of bookeeping for the company I work for...actually..they should be very frightened.

Worst case scenerio..I have to take some math courses..I know I will, no biggie.

I think I would rather eat raw bull balls...like on fear factor than take math courses.

*sigh*

I feel the need for double fudge brownie icecream...there are no balls laying around.

Heidi

ENOUGH

2009-10-06T14:32:00.008-04:00

I came across an article a few days ago..then now had something on it..now a blog from my favorite Blogger Terri St. Cloud...my hearts been going in a direction, a direction where Im pretty this is where my hearts calling me to work.

This SOMETHING that has REALLY been pulling at my heart lately is violence against women. It affects all women worldwide, in all socioeconomical backgrounds. In some cultures, sexual violence is a practiced ritual of many which includes, but is not limited to domestic abuse, rape, child marriages, forced female circumcision, and sex trade.

This violates the law..of well..human.

Violence Against Women: A Fact Sheet
In the US, a woman is raped every 6 minutes; a woman is battered every 15 seconds. In North Africa, 6,000 women are genitally mutilated each day. This year, more than 15,000 women will be sold into sexual slavery in China. 200 women in Bangladesh will be horribly disfigured when their spurned husbands or suitors burn them with acid. More than 7,000 women in India will be murdered by their families and in-laws in disputes over dowries. Violence against women is rooted in a global culture of discrimination which denies women equal rights with men and which legitimizes the appropriation of women's bodies for individual gratification or political ends. Every year, violence in the home and the community devastates the lives of millions of women. (Broken Bodies, Shattered Minds: Torture and Ill Treatment of Women, Amnesty International, 2001)

Now..with this in mind, please go to the link below, and read a post from terri, which has her friend Patty who is in South Africa and works with these women every day…and it will pull at your heart, empower you, and as a woman…rise up, and say enough.

http://bonesigharts.blogspot.com/

Almighty Heidi

My Glass

2009-10-01T11:09:00.003-04:00

So now it is real. I jumped in, and now I have to follow through. I was accepted into the college I wanted got the acceptance letter a few days ago… and grant coming my way.

I have applied for a few scholarships and the silliest thing is..I have to write a 500 word essay on why I want and need this scholarship, and go into the field of nursing…and I go blank. Me..the writer…blank…I got zip.

Parts of me are in complete denial. I don’t want to feel the burn of 16 hour days again. I did it before, full time work and school and the exhaustion was intense. I had a friend ask me..can you do it. My reply..I HAVE to try.

Why do I have to try Heidi..what is it that motivates you to keep going, feeling like your glass is always half full, and you are always thirsty.

What is that I want more feeling..i need more feeling..i cant settle feeling…

Blank.

Heidi