Ok, so I am bored. So I will talk about none other than me. Feeling much better as of late, thank god. Which brings me to a point. My insignifigant other. I think I have a sign on my forhead that says will marry, or be in a long lasting worthless relationship for several years with you give you the best of me, get nothing in return, then I one day a light will come on and I will dump your sorry ass, and then you wonder why did she do that...what is wrong with her anyways.
AHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!
Ok so it is a very large sign.
Last month in the agony of my life I hurt my back so bad I could not walk, I have three older children, that will not help out unless you say something. They knew mom was laid up, and could not check out the work they supposedly did soooooo, did they do the chores? No. Would B tell them, do what your mother says? noooo he turns on the baseball game, scratches his nuts and lies down. Then B comes complains he has no clean underwear for work tommorrow, and did I make dinner? I have this pent up resentment and anger that is going to throw me over the top. I shoot him "the glance" and he really does wonder what is wrong with me. I think of all the ways of poisioning his dinner.
AAHHHHHHRRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
I saw this van that says hire me "honey do" it was for handy man work around the home. Then it dawns on me that I should have just "rented" a man all along. My garbage disposal has been broke for months, and now the dishwasher. I figured out how to fix the toilet and two lights, but these two things far surpass my knowledge. He really truely does not know how a screwdriver works. He tried one time. It was my sons birthday and I got a free standing basketball hoop that needed to be put together. I physicaly could not do it. Nathan begs B to pllleeaaasseeee help, so he does. 1 hour goes byy, the two, then I hear this BANG BANG BANG in the garage.This just is not right I think. I go out and he is trying to put a part where it does not belong. I turn the top of the hoop the other way and tell him this is where the screws belong, thus taking away his beloved manhood ego.
It was a good moment for me, not it was a great moment since I am never right ....so it is said.
Latte'
Heidi
10/18/2005
A dream that came true and freaked me out.
Alot of dreaming as of late. Here is one of my most prophetic ones. It has been a strange gift that pops up here and there throughout my life. I may write more and share more later, but for now this one stands out.
I had an old boyfriend contact me not too long ago. I din't email him back, because as much as I don't like it, I still am in a realationship, one that will soon end because of his gambling addiction, but damn it I am always faithful, no matter what.
That night I had this dream:
He invited me to his beautiful home which was on a lake here in Florida. We talked and he was kissing me, and it felt so gooood to have that attention. After I left, I looked back at his home to find out that it was devestated, the garage was all bashed in and the home looked like it was hit by a hurricaine.His home was ruined.
I woke up and I knew in my gut that he was married, or with someone. I also had a very strong feeling after waking up saw in my head he was expecting a child, I saw a woman pregnant. It was so overwhelming I can't describe it.
I emailed him back, and told him that I felt really uncomfortable, to please not to take it personally, and I told him about the dream. Then at the end, I said the crazy thng is, you have gotten married havent you, and I thought I saw a child.
I was witing for this answer like what in the world are you talking about woman!!
Instead I got: Oh my god.
He emailed me back in awe and wondered what else I saw in his crystal ball. I told him a long harmonius happy life as long as you don't chase after other women who could ruin your home.
Needless to say I felt good that I knew, and I did not hurt someone else, myself or a childs future, as I know that there is a special plan for them all.
Latte'
Heidi
I had an old boyfriend contact me not too long ago. I din't email him back, because as much as I don't like it, I still am in a realationship, one that will soon end because of his gambling addiction, but damn it I am always faithful, no matter what.
That night I had this dream:
He invited me to his beautiful home which was on a lake here in Florida. We talked and he was kissing me, and it felt so gooood to have that attention. After I left, I looked back at his home to find out that it was devestated, the garage was all bashed in and the home looked like it was hit by a hurricaine.His home was ruined.
I woke up and I knew in my gut that he was married, or with someone. I also had a very strong feeling after waking up saw in my head he was expecting a child, I saw a woman pregnant. It was so overwhelming I can't describe it.
I emailed him back, and told him that I felt really uncomfortable, to please not to take it personally, and I told him about the dream. Then at the end, I said the crazy thng is, you have gotten married havent you, and I thought I saw a child.
I was witing for this answer like what in the world are you talking about woman!!
Instead I got: Oh my god.
He emailed me back in awe and wondered what else I saw in his crystal ball. I told him a long harmonius happy life as long as you don't chase after other women who could ruin your home.
Needless to say I felt good that I knew, and I did not hurt someone else, myself or a childs future, as I know that there is a special plan for them all.
Latte'
Heidi
10/17/2005
Cold Turkey
And I'm not talking about the Turkey after the Canadians Thanksgiving recently!!
Ok this is a learn from my experience moment. After being on painekillers for a month I finnally had a spinal epidural which did wonders for my back. So I quit taking them, and I had none left the day after the epidural anyways.
Day1 cold Turkey: Got a fever, my stomach hurts bad. In my mind I am thinking surley I have must have contracted spinal meningitis from the procedure, I call the doctor and he assures me this is normal.
Day 2: Fell like I have the flu all day
Day 3: Feel like I want to puke all day but can't. Just want to make it through work. Go home, make dinner, and puke. Feeling better that I have puked, the I continue to do so 2 more times. I then think I have an ulcer from all the meds I have been on, it makes perfect sense to me. I take some pepcid, and want my mommy.
Day 4: I feel like Hell and just want to stay in bed, but get up and go to work in a daze. I can't stop sweating. My son does not call me when school gets out. I get home and his backpack is not there, after calling all his friends and searching the neighborhood, am about ready to call the police. I forget my son has Science club after school, and pick him up 2 1/2 hours late.
Day 5: I talk to the medical insurance company on the phone asking them why it is going to cost me $1000.00 for an injection. I ream her out, then go in the bathroom at my work and cry for 1/2 hour just because I'm so petrified of going backinto the state of pain I was in before if I don't get the shot. Then I become the EXorsist child. Every thing is getting on my nerves. "IF ANOTHER FUCKING PERSON STEPS ANOTHER FUCKING FOOT INTO MY OFFICE I WILL KILL THEM, YOU GOT IT??" I yell at my most hated co-worker. I look at a bookeeping statement 10 times. Each time I read it I cannot retain it. It's driving me batty.
I leave the office and go into my car praying and smoking. (That's just all wrong in and of itself) Dear God, WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?? I am like the schizophrenic PMS'd crazed lunatic.
Finnally it Dawns on me, I have an a moment to myself and realized I am not really crazy after all...I am simply going through withdrawls. Ah ha. The light bulb goes off and I have my own Intervention in my car...must get help before I get fired and run over the next person who pisses me off.
My doc was sooooo coool. "Whats up Heidi" he says
"I'm a druggie" I say in return and we both laugh.
So I get some more drugs to help me through the drugs I was on so I don't kill my family. Great.
Latte'
Heidi
Ok this is a learn from my experience moment. After being on painekillers for a month I finnally had a spinal epidural which did wonders for my back. So I quit taking them, and I had none left the day after the epidural anyways.
Day1 cold Turkey: Got a fever, my stomach hurts bad. In my mind I am thinking surley I have must have contracted spinal meningitis from the procedure, I call the doctor and he assures me this is normal.
Day 2: Fell like I have the flu all day
Day 3: Feel like I want to puke all day but can't. Just want to make it through work. Go home, make dinner, and puke. Feeling better that I have puked, the I continue to do so 2 more times. I then think I have an ulcer from all the meds I have been on, it makes perfect sense to me. I take some pepcid, and want my mommy.
Day 4: I feel like Hell and just want to stay in bed, but get up and go to work in a daze. I can't stop sweating. My son does not call me when school gets out. I get home and his backpack is not there, after calling all his friends and searching the neighborhood, am about ready to call the police. I forget my son has Science club after school, and pick him up 2 1/2 hours late.
Day 5: I talk to the medical insurance company on the phone asking them why it is going to cost me $1000.00 for an injection. I ream her out, then go in the bathroom at my work and cry for 1/2 hour just because I'm so petrified of going backinto the state of pain I was in before if I don't get the shot. Then I become the EXorsist child. Every thing is getting on my nerves. "IF ANOTHER FUCKING PERSON STEPS ANOTHER FUCKING FOOT INTO MY OFFICE I WILL KILL THEM, YOU GOT IT??" I yell at my most hated co-worker. I look at a bookeeping statement 10 times. Each time I read it I cannot retain it. It's driving me batty.
I leave the office and go into my car praying and smoking. (That's just all wrong in and of itself) Dear God, WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?? I am like the schizophrenic PMS'd crazed lunatic.
Finnally it Dawns on me, I have an a moment to myself and realized I am not really crazy after all...I am simply going through withdrawls. Ah ha. The light bulb goes off and I have my own Intervention in my car...must get help before I get fired and run over the next person who pisses me off.
My doc was sooooo coool. "Whats up Heidi" he says
"I'm a druggie" I say in return and we both laugh.
So I get some more drugs to help me through the drugs I was on so I don't kill my family. Great.
Latte'
Heidi
10/10/2005
DREAMS FROM THE OTHER SIDE
"A dream that is not interpreted is like a letter that has not been opened." - Talmud
Ok, Just let me clairfy one thing here real quick. I am off the pain meds from my back being hurt. That is Important to note as you will wonder what i am "on" after reading the dream.
So here it is, a glimpse in to Heidi's subconcious:
I dream my painting, and then I paint my dreams. - Vincent van Gogh
I was in a place that was not heaven or eart, an in between.I could not see him, but I felt him. It was warmth. I asked him who his was and he said he was Joseph. My sons middle name is Joseph, and I told him that was weird so I could be making this up, he said no he was my protector, he loves me and he has been with me since I have been born. He was an Angel. His voice had this amazing calming effect that I cannot put into words. Then we had a conversation that went like this:
At one time I heard as a baby that you choose your parents, "Is this true?" I asked. "Yes" he answered. "Why?" "It just is" I knew that this answer was this was exactly what was meant, that is the way it just is. Then I asked "Why have I had so much pain in my life" Again, it "Is". "There is a path" he said. "You must go down your path" "Why" I ask, "Because it is your path, and only your path"
"Do you like being an angel?"I said. "Yes" "Would you rather be something else?" "Yes" he answered, taking me a bit by suprise. "What then?" He said "Human" "Why?" I asked thinking of all human pain verses...being an Angel. He said "Love" Love? I thought "You said that you loved me earlier, how is that then?"He said that "In heaven all is Love, but understanding the love between an man and a woman is hard for us to understand". "Are you going to get into trouble for telling me this? " I said. "Probably" and I smiled, thinking that Angels could get in trouble. "I made you smile" he said embraceing the human emotion.
Then he showed me something: I was on an operating table, having surgery on my injured back. Somehow I already had a vision of what was going to happen so I told the anesthesiologist that something may happen, but it was going to be ok. When I awoke from surgery and I was in recovery I asked the nurse "Do you believe in heaven because I just went there please get a pen and write this down so I don't forget" She hurridly got a pen. I start rambling as if not to forget anything.I went to heaven and there was this immense blue light. I was told this by someone other than Joseph, or more like it was just knowing something. I was told My son Michael was "happiness", my daughter was the "sun" and Nathan my middle child was "the moon" (whatever that means) I asked if I will ever find my own happiness and they said yes.Then I am back with Joseph... Will it be soon? "No" Will my children be ok?" "They have there own Angels, I talk to them, they will be ok."I then saw a vision of millions of people praying to God, and I asked how does he hear my prayers and he said "It IS" and I said how?? He answers "There are some things you can't fathom yet." I just want to say that his voice was so calm and his answers as frustrating as they may seem now...were just enough. Then My dream comes to an end and he gives me a warning. Again, so calm, and I was never afraid. " You are sick.They will take blood from you in the hospital and be confused. Three motnhs later they will take more blood and you will know you are sick, but you will be ok"
I thanked the nurse for writing it down, as she decides to take blood, and I see in her eyes after this conversation she is saddened, and I know what to say: I tell her that I saw her father and she was wondering if he went to heaven, and he is ok. She wept.
That my friends is the end of the dream.
A dream is an answer to a question we haven't learned to ask.
- Dana Scully
I have not ever been a "Guardian angel" person, with like angels on my desk, or pictures of them around my house, I never really give them a second thought. I belive in heaven, and hell and god, and once I was caught up in the whole church thing before it became like it was a business, while the people inside it themselves were hurting in their own lives so badly, the people around you just put on the "christian smile" and go along their way.No I'm not bitter:) I just don't know where to "go" with religion anymore. But if I do die, and come back to life to tell you all about it I will let you know. I do miss the peaceful calm I had in that dream.
I suppose we have to weigh all this out with the fact that just a few weeks ago I had a dsiturbing dream about Santa's elves being grown men, wearing only green speedos, wings and high heels. I still have not figured that one out.
Latte'
Heidi
Ok, Just let me clairfy one thing here real quick. I am off the pain meds from my back being hurt. That is Important to note as you will wonder what i am "on" after reading the dream.
So here it is, a glimpse in to Heidi's subconcious:
I dream my painting, and then I paint my dreams. - Vincent van Gogh
I was in a place that was not heaven or eart, an in between.I could not see him, but I felt him. It was warmth. I asked him who his was and he said he was Joseph. My sons middle name is Joseph, and I told him that was weird so I could be making this up, he said no he was my protector, he loves me and he has been with me since I have been born. He was an Angel. His voice had this amazing calming effect that I cannot put into words. Then we had a conversation that went like this:
At one time I heard as a baby that you choose your parents, "Is this true?" I asked. "Yes" he answered. "Why?" "It just is" I knew that this answer was this was exactly what was meant, that is the way it just is. Then I asked "Why have I had so much pain in my life" Again, it "Is". "There is a path" he said. "You must go down your path" "Why" I ask, "Because it is your path, and only your path"
"Do you like being an angel?"I said. "Yes" "Would you rather be something else?" "Yes" he answered, taking me a bit by suprise. "What then?" He said "Human" "Why?" I asked thinking of all human pain verses...being an Angel. He said "Love" Love? I thought "You said that you loved me earlier, how is that then?"He said that "In heaven all is Love, but understanding the love between an man and a woman is hard for us to understand". "Are you going to get into trouble for telling me this? " I said. "Probably" and I smiled, thinking that Angels could get in trouble. "I made you smile" he said embraceing the human emotion.
Then he showed me something: I was on an operating table, having surgery on my injured back. Somehow I already had a vision of what was going to happen so I told the anesthesiologist that something may happen, but it was going to be ok. When I awoke from surgery and I was in recovery I asked the nurse "Do you believe in heaven because I just went there please get a pen and write this down so I don't forget" She hurridly got a pen. I start rambling as if not to forget anything.I went to heaven and there was this immense blue light. I was told this by someone other than Joseph, or more like it was just knowing something. I was told My son Michael was "happiness", my daughter was the "sun" and Nathan my middle child was "the moon" (whatever that means) I asked if I will ever find my own happiness and they said yes.Then I am back with Joseph... Will it be soon? "No" Will my children be ok?" "They have there own Angels, I talk to them, they will be ok."I then saw a vision of millions of people praying to God, and I asked how does he hear my prayers and he said "It IS" and I said how?? He answers "There are some things you can't fathom yet." I just want to say that his voice was so calm and his answers as frustrating as they may seem now...were just enough. Then My dream comes to an end and he gives me a warning. Again, so calm, and I was never afraid. " You are sick.They will take blood from you in the hospital and be confused. Three motnhs later they will take more blood and you will know you are sick, but you will be ok"
I thanked the nurse for writing it down, as she decides to take blood, and I see in her eyes after this conversation she is saddened, and I know what to say: I tell her that I saw her father and she was wondering if he went to heaven, and he is ok. She wept.
That my friends is the end of the dream.
A dream is an answer to a question we haven't learned to ask.
- Dana Scully
I have not ever been a "Guardian angel" person, with like angels on my desk, or pictures of them around my house, I never really give them a second thought. I belive in heaven, and hell and god, and once I was caught up in the whole church thing before it became like it was a business, while the people inside it themselves were hurting in their own lives so badly, the people around you just put on the "christian smile" and go along their way.No I'm not bitter:) I just don't know where to "go" with religion anymore. But if I do die, and come back to life to tell you all about it I will let you know. I do miss the peaceful calm I had in that dream.
I suppose we have to weigh all this out with the fact that just a few weeks ago I had a dsiturbing dream about Santa's elves being grown men, wearing only green speedos, wings and high heels. I still have not figured that one out.
Latte'
Heidi
I feel like one of those Benny Hinn characters this morning as I am not walking with a cane. I feel great after the epidural. If you too would like to be healed I have set up an account in my name that you can send your money to, all credit cards accepted, and you will receive your blessing.
The only thing I will miss about my cane is Kayla, my daughter got me a sticker to put on it that says “I like men with lots of money” Good girl. Her mama’s teaching her right…now if I could just find one….
My back still feels injured and aches, but the crazy down on my knees, I need morphine kind of pain is gone.
I am trying to weasel my way into getting a nice new chair at work, due to my injury of course, leather would be nice:) The chair I sit in, really is a tool of Satan, and every time I turn in it, it sounds like I cut the cheese, It's just wrong. But my blessing of course is I feel almost back to normal..not that I ever really was normal in the head anyways. So to celebrate, my favorite song of the day off Napster is "Feels Good" by the Gorillaz.
The only thing I will miss about my cane is Kayla, my daughter got me a sticker to put on it that says “I like men with lots of money” Good girl. Her mama’s teaching her right…now if I could just find one….
My back still feels injured and aches, but the crazy down on my knees, I need morphine kind of pain is gone.
I am trying to weasel my way into getting a nice new chair at work, due to my injury of course, leather would be nice:) The chair I sit in, really is a tool of Satan, and every time I turn in it, it sounds like I cut the cheese, It's just wrong. But my blessing of course is I feel almost back to normal..not that I ever really was normal in the head anyways. So to celebrate, my favorite song of the day off Napster is "Feels Good" by the Gorillaz.
10/06/2005
Alien War
Forgive me bloggers for I have sinned, it has been over a month since my last entry. Turns out I have herniated 3 disks in my back, and pain has overcome any other feeling, thoughts, or emotions in the last 3 months. I go tommorrow for the first of 3 epidural injections where they stick a freggin needle in my back. OH MY GOD. So I thought I would talk about all sorts of pain.
Pain of the heart:
"There is one pain I often feel that you will never know, it is the absence of you"
Oh the pain of Love. This quote is just me. This quote reminds me of the dream I have of the love I will never find, but still dream of it. The perfect person you have in your mind that meets every emotional and physical need. Just a dream. Pathetic I know. I have watched too many unrealistic love stories. Plus...is it to much to ask that a man put the lid down...is it???
Pain of the body:
"The Pain of the Mind is worse than the body"
Ummm..Ok right now it feels like I have a little alien with razor sharp claws digging into my back, twisting knives into it everytime I sit down, and laughs while he is doing it. This quote...is bullshit.
Pain in general:
"The pain passes, but the beauty remains"
Ummmm, My x husband was a pain, and he's just gotten uglier.
Enduring Pain:
"Endure, and Persist and the pain will go by"
Hellooo, Only with Morphine.
Choice for pain:
"God's love for us is constant and will not diminish, but he cannot rescue us from the painful results that are caused by wrong choices."
All I did was pick up a freggin box the wrong way, bad choice. No love from the man upstairs.
Latte'
Heidi
Pain of the heart:
"There is one pain I often feel that you will never know, it is the absence of you"
Oh the pain of Love. This quote is just me. This quote reminds me of the dream I have of the love I will never find, but still dream of it. The perfect person you have in your mind that meets every emotional and physical need. Just a dream. Pathetic I know. I have watched too many unrealistic love stories. Plus...is it to much to ask that a man put the lid down...is it???
Pain of the body:
"The Pain of the Mind is worse than the body"
Ummm..Ok right now it feels like I have a little alien with razor sharp claws digging into my back, twisting knives into it everytime I sit down, and laughs while he is doing it. This quote...is bullshit.
Pain in general:
"The pain passes, but the beauty remains"
Ummmm, My x husband was a pain, and he's just gotten uglier.
Enduring Pain:
"Endure, and Persist and the pain will go by"
Hellooo, Only with Morphine.
Choice for pain:
"God's love for us is constant and will not diminish, but he cannot rescue us from the painful results that are caused by wrong choices."
All I did was pick up a freggin box the wrong way, bad choice. No love from the man upstairs.
Latte'
Heidi
9/07/2005
Dream On
This labor day I threw out my back again scrubbing the green alge that has formed on my back patio from the wet, hot Florida weather. I am so miffed that I cannot go to the gym, as my friend is having an upcoming wedding, and I just need to look good.
So The last few days I took what was left over from a month ago when I injured my back...percocet. I took one last night after a hot soak in the tub and drifted off to sleep. A few blogs ago I talked about my weird dreams so heres another for you. This is the part where I think that I may be mentally unstable. :)
I dreamed I ws up in the north pole with Santa. His elves were grown men green superman underwear speedo looking things with hairy...legs and spiked high heels. ..oh and fairy wings. Yes they were flying. In the dream I looked around and said what the....and woke myself up remembering that maybe it wasn't just me, maybe it was the drugs:)
Someody help me!!
Latte'
Heidi
So The last few days I took what was left over from a month ago when I injured my back...percocet. I took one last night after a hot soak in the tub and drifted off to sleep. A few blogs ago I talked about my weird dreams so heres another for you. This is the part where I think that I may be mentally unstable. :)
I dreamed I ws up in the north pole with Santa. His elves were grown men green superman underwear speedo looking things with hairy...legs and spiked high heels. ..oh and fairy wings. Yes they were flying. In the dream I looked around and said what the....and woke myself up remembering that maybe it wasn't just me, maybe it was the drugs:)
Someody help me!!
Latte'
Heidi
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