Weird Science

Disclaimer:

***This blog, as most of mine do, includes male bashing, gender degrading, and racism against the male race. If you are a man and are reading this, it may have the following side effects: blurry vision, sweaty palms, headahe, hemorrhoids, diarrhea, vomiting, itchy underarms rashy appendages and or divorce***

Today my son Michael brought home some science terms that he had to use in sentences so that the teacher knows he understands them. We had fun.
I love science. Many of these terms I have found have a male inspiration behind them.

Every man must have at least three power tools, and an assortment of doo dads in their garage, or workspace to feel and look important. Here is one that was developed, that I am surprised most men do not have:

anemometer- a device used to measure the speed of wind.

As proud as the male species is of "passing wind" I am surprised they don't get out the handy dandy anemometer every time they so. " Ohhhh wait, I think I got a good one here. Hey honey, lookie here, this one went at 50 mph"

Here's another great tool that needs to be developed as pocket size for every man to carry at all times.
Barameter: a device used to measure the pressure of the atmosphere. Every male should have one of these before having a conversation with that special someone. Maybe use it during and after as well, it might be helpful.

Woman: "Susan said she saw you today at that little Mexican restaurant down the street with some big chested blonde. She said she looked like our neighbor..Natasha".

Man: Gets out his hand held beromater...The pressure is high. "Oh now sweetie pie, she must have been mistaken, I went to lunch with Bob at the soup and sandwich place."

Woman: (Knows her man never eats anything healthy, or gay sounding such as a soup and sandwitch) "Noooo she said you were wearing a red tie."

Man: Looks down and sees his red tie. "No dear, this is...fushia" he is of course lying, and has never used the word fushia. Baramater is vibrating off the charts.

Woman: Glares.

Man: Baramator is shaking violently until it jumps out of his hands, on the floor, then he passes gas (measures it at 75 mph) and it smells like a quesidilla with bean dip. Busted. (kinda grossed myself out)

Most men do not have any equipment around to measure decibels (a unit of measurement for sound, it measures the loudness or volume of the sound waves) because at this time, it would be broken.

Here are a few other terms I felt useful, follow along carefully, it is a lot at once:

Most women find that men do not have energy: the name given to the ability to do work. At this time the man usually feels pressure: the application of steady force upon another object, from the significant other to do something...anything. So he then decides to go to the restroom and use capillary action:the tendency of liquids to move into or out of tiny, hairlike passages,and after about an hour, he looks down to see if there is any buoyancy: the ability to float, in his mass: the amount of matter in his object,flushes with pride, coughs, snorts, scratches his butt, and comes out of the restroom then feels like he has completed the important tasks for the day. At this time he thinks that he can get some inertia: the ability to stay at rest, on the couch.


I hope this has shed some light for all of you, how men in actuality, use science in everyday life. Who said they were dumb....


Heidi :)

The Gym

Every year it is the same old same old. Halloween comes where we pick out all the good candy from our kids halloween stash. Then Thanksgiving where we eat too manymashed potatoes and pie, then Christmas comes, and there is chocolate galore brought into the office,many many parties with an abundance of alcohol...then people come up with get rich schemes on TV, on how people can lose weight by diet pills, joining a gym, the new boot camp work out...and spinning (although i am not sure what spinning is but it makes me dizzy thinking about it)

Last Sunday out of complete bordom while football is on in the other room, I am flicking thought the channels and yes...I started watching an infomercial.

The new "sauna belt" You just wrap it around your belly, or which ever part of your body you want to lose weight. It warms up to 2 gazillion degrees and makes that part of your body sweat while you lose inches. I'm wondering to myself if you could accidentally "bake" your intestine or something. It reminded me of chikien gizzards they cook for someunknown reason here in the south. (People actually eat that stuff. EWWWW)

Then I watched another one on how a miraculous serum takes away all your wrinkles in three weeks. The woman on the shopping network was 65 and it looked like she had a really bad plastic surgery job and her eyes were chineese looking and her lips were pulled back into her earlobes.

Finally there was like the tummy tucker 2005 or something where you wear this granny panty looking thing under your work out clothing and it helps you to lose weight. This made me think...what if I were wearing those granny panties under my gym clothes...and I like passed out or something. Ok now I am going to tell a very long story, but there is a point to it.

Back when I was 18 I had a massive allergic reaction to Asprin. I had hives all over that were just driving me crazy. Finally at 1 am, I woke my husband up and said that he had to take me to the ER or I was going to scrape my skin off. By the time I had got there...I had to sit..and wait. Then all of a sudden I felt dizzy and I told them I felt like I was going to throw up, and I could not find a bathroom and I did not want to puke all over the floor. They took one look at me and said "can you walk?" as soon as I stood up, I passed out.

Next thing I know I was in a hospital bed and this very fine, good looking, hottie Dr was cutting my shirt off and taking my bra off. I was semi concious, but I remember it. My boobs fling out and I pass out again, this time I think from embarrasement. So...if I were wearing granny panties, I think maybe they all would have had a real good laugh. So no granny panties for me.

Oh, and just to finish my above ranting because it is my only real interesting story I have in my 32 years of being alive, ...

I am laid out on the table going in and out of conciousness. Then I hear boom boom. My hear beat in my ears. Then it is silent. My mind starts racing, there should be another Boom boom. But Nope...Then I hear the nurses say "Were losing her" just like in the movies.I want to speak, or move my hands or legs, but I cannot. Then I felt like I was playing the "Trust" game back in school where you fall backwards and the person behind you has to catch you...or let you fall on the floor. Then I start thinking...oh noo, I am going backwards...that is not good. Heaven is UP...Hell is down I start praying REALLY HARDGod I know I am saved, then I progress to have him forgive me of all my sins just in case. Then I think of my daughter who was just born and tell god that I cannot leave her, she is just a baby. Then it was like I was put back into my body and I woke up....except it was 4 hours later. Yup..my heart stopped.

Ok, so back to the original... I decide that I do not want to bake my innards, wear granny panties, or wear a miricle cream that will make me look like my face was pulled into the back of my head. So I the Almighty Heidi have done one of my new years resolutions...I went to the gym for 2 hours tonight. I am going to hurt like a bitch tommorrow. I need to see if they have any amazing infomercials for....pain. That would be the best new money making marketing stratagy after all the new years resolutions die off. A body cream that miracously takes away all the aches and pains from the night before......only 19.95 plus a set of new ginsu knives.


Heidi

The Drugstore

This past weekend I went into the drugstore to get some tylenol and what not. Something interesting caught my eye. Walgreens had put on a big poster stating something along the lines of, if you are in trouble we are here to help. It is a poster menat to help those young kids or adults who have babies, and instead of dumping themin a dumpster can drop them off at there local drugstore no questions asked. Hospitals and firestations have the same policy.

Ok so this is immediatly to where my mind went..it frightens even me that I am so warped.


After I saw the poster on the way out of the store, I smiled to myself. Here I am after a hellacious day at work, to go home, make dinner, help with homework, do laundry ect ect, while the kids play, or fight, and tell me what they want and why they need a trampoline like the other kids, and the man wants his dinner, and god forbid you forget his fork or his drik, because by god he works hard and deserves these things as part of a "complete" meal. I pictured myself loading up the kids, and the man and walking them into the nearest drugstore.

"Excuse me" I would say. "Is this where you drop off the children you no longer desire"

"Well ummm yes" says the woman out the counter. I leave them there and walk out the door.

Pinned on there shirts will be the following notes:

This is Kayla her skills include: talking on the phone for hours, chewing gum, doing her hair, dressing mainly in pink, her room is a pig sty, and she is really good at forgetting her homework.

Here is Nathan: He is a good chore helper, a jock, but has a bad temper, fights alot with his siblings but keeps a clean room, and makes reat grilled cheeses.

Finally there is Michael: A mama's boy, who is a good stand up comic, super bright, mkes great grades, but can ever find his shoes,and is an insomniac, and a whiner.

Oh and don't forget the man: I am throwing him in as a 4 for one special...he's not much good at...well anything.

Thank you, good luck and have a nice day.

It was a moment of release for me as I am a wicked day dreamer. Then I walked in the door, hugged all the kids and I do admit, I love all the quirks about them regardless. Part of being the mother, I do wish I had more time to be.


Happy Monday,


Heidi

The Almighty's Search for Her Own Planet

Once upon a time there was a girl, who was a woman, but wanted to go backand be a girl, but she is to old now, so thus once upon a time there was woman. She traveled down a long windy road, with many sharp rocks, and steep hills. She would climb up the hill with all her might, just to slide down getting cut on her ankles along the way. She tried again, and it would rain, and the rocks would get slippery and she would fall again. She would try a different path thinking this path looks nicer, but it would again lead to a hill with sharper rocks, and she would climb up spraining her wrists, twisting her back, and gashing her legs.

She took one more turn, and it lead to a big mountain. She climbed and climbed with all her might swearing to the god above that she would make it up the damn mountain this time. In the end she fell, bleeding every where, bruised and exhausted and she just did not want to get up.

Finally it dawns on her that she must walk around the mountain, thinking this was a great ephiny. Just to find another mountain and another and another and another. The mountains were a part of the path. Maybe she should just keep trying other paths till she got it right. Maybe she should just camp out and live the rest of her life and quit fighting the path and the hills and the mountains. Finally she says "screw this" and walks home, and watches lifetime TV all Sunday long, with a hot cup of strong coffee and biscotti. Sometimes, you just have to pretend that the damn mountains are no longer fucking there. :) Denile is not just a river, it can be a lifestyle too.

Latte'


Heidi (p.s. I used spell check, it's a miricle!, and to Rainy Pete, we will talk about alien brains later this week:)

The Brain 101

Rainy Pete http://rainypete.blogspot.com/has told us to go back and read our archive blogs. I have realized how bad each month has gotten since starting the blog in March. I started out with entries that were a mile long, with quotations, and somewhat of a topic...down to nothingness. I figured it had to do with some sort of new brain disorder, or the aliens that are in my head:), and yes happy and blue, http://happyandblue2.blogspot.com/there are such things as aliens, it explains all my x's behaviors, and...well..michael jackson for goodness sake. There is nothing else in this world that can EXPLAIN THAT!!But first before we discuss that I must do a quotation.

"Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways." -- Anonymous

Made me laugh...WERE ALL GOING TO DIE. Just a friendly reminder from the almighty heidi to start your New year on the right foot....or the left, however you want it.

Today we are going to talk about the brain again...not just Heidi's Brain but the Brain in general.
Lesson 1:This three-pound organ is the seat of intelligence, interpreter of the senses, initiator of body movement, and controller of behavior. Lying in its bony shell and washed by protective fluid, the brain is the source of all the qualities that define our humanity. The brain is the crown jewel of the human body

I would not call it a jewel, it's kinda nasty looking...all round and grey and pink and shriveled up looking. We have family jewels, they look similar.

Let's talk about the real fun stuff...brain disorders:

Ok brain disorder number one: SAD, otherwise know as "Seasonal Affective Disorder" is brought on by a biological response to sharply decreased light. It is often caused by the weather, but it can also be brought upon by bad sleeping patterns and other such occurances.


My SAD is brought on by being in a dimly lit cubicle for 9 hours a day and not let out into the daylight, untill the daylight is almost gone. By then I am sitting in my car which has tinted windows that won't let the sunlight in anyways. This and sitting right across from the neurotic, obsessive cumpulsive, ADHD, cheap, loud, and pathilogical boss at my job...doesn't just make me sad..it can drive a woman to the depths of insanity that is just to humiliating to talk about:)

Brain disorder 2: Recent findings show that almost twice as many women as men suffer major depression, which can interfere with thought, sleep, energy patterns, and behavior. Newly developed medications have shown to be effective in treating depression.

Ok, for the womens defense: Women these days are expected to hold a full time job, get paid less than a man, child care giver, taxi driver, a dry cleaner, chef, booger wiper, a throw up cleaner upper, pick up the milk on the way home person, mold scrubber, critter killer, lightbulb screwer inner (amongst other types of screwing: being screwed, and screwing another), bookeeper,go to bed at 11:30 and get up at 6 because there is too much to do, carpet seweeper, glass cleaner, dishwasher, internet fixer, bad dreamer chaser,child referee, dog walker, bandaid giver, conference go too-er, and unconditional lover a family that does not recognize any other person thatn the one listed above. Ladies and gentelman..do you think for just a moment this is why she might be depressed??Excuse me while I go take my prozac!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

Brain problem 3: Schizophrenia is now considered to be a neurodevelopmental disorder, and more effective medications have been developed.

Well...thank god, and I need some after brain problem number 2.

Ok: the structure of the brain:

"The hypothalamus is about the size of a pearl, directs a multitude of important functions. It wakes you up in the morning, and gets the adrenaline flowing during a test or job interview. The hypothalamus is also an important emotional center, controlling the molecules that make you feel exhilarated, angry, or unhappy. Near the hypothalamus lies the thalamus, a major clearinghouse for information going to and from the spinal cord and the cerebrum"

My question is, why did god only make this the size of a pearl...why not the size of a golf ball, or soccer ball for that matter. I need more "inner coffee" Also, I don't think my thalamus is working properly early in the morning....or just about anytime lately....there is not alot of information traveling too or from anywhere.

"Frontal lobes lie directly behind the forehead. When you plan a schedule, imagine the future, or use reasoned arguments, these two lobes do much of the work. One of the ways the frontal lobes seem to do these things is by acting as short-term storage sites, allowing one idea to be kept in mind while other ideas are considered."

I think men were born with defective or partially formed "frontal lobes" :It is their way or no way there are no "reasoned arguments" and women analize everything to death. They do have issues with the short term mermory loss....or their "short term storage sites" They do not remember that they just walked by another woman, looked her up and down, ad drooled. When you ask them they say "woman...what woman??" thus strengthening my argument.

There are many other disorders and structures to the brain, but this should be enough to keep everyone just inerested enough right now. I will write about the aliens another time. There will be a pop quiz on Friday.

Heidi..and her brain again.

The Frontal Lobe of the Almightys Brain Speaks

Heidi's Brain: Wow, two posts in a row, this is truly an accomplishment for the new year, either that you are really lonely and pathetic, but to make yourself feel better we will go with the "accomplishment" speech.

So far on my new years resolutions, I THE ALMIGHTY HEIDI did finally wash my car....yes, and I think my car tried to wag it's tail. There is something that you all must know, is that where ever I am, a dark cloud follows. Heidi's Brain: Yup. Like the previous post...we celebrate New Years, and an entire field catches on fire. On Christmas eve...I get a flat....stuff like that. So I wash my car and the next day I pull it into work and my co-workers ask me if I drove it through a chicken coup. Heidi's Brain: My co-workers SUCKAll over my car was this white looking feather material...but it wasn't a feather...it was just white ash or dust. I was pissed. But luckily here in Florida it does not snow, it rains, so it washed it all off. Heidi's Brain: It was after New Years, maybe you ran it into a chicken coop and just don't REMEMBER
Heidi's Brain:Oh and to all the REALLY cold northerners reading, it was almost 80 today, not a cloud in the sky and just BEA-UTIFUL out so nanny nanny boo boo.

Speaking of cold, we here in the south think it's real cold when it drops to 70 or below. Heidi's Brain:Yup, baby it's 68 time to get the heavy sweaters out of the garage!! 50 degrees and we really want to declare it a snow day because it is just to damn cold to go outside to the car, and wait for the heat to turn on. It's very pathetic. I have lived her 16 years now, and I have turned into a wus. Heidi's Brain: My children are wusses too.

The smoking thing is ok...just a bit bitchy and almost had a prozac moment with the boss man...Heidi's Brain: Yeah I'm talking about God. I haven't been too happy with him lately. I figure he is just listning and laughing histerically at my spelling (since I have spelled Brian and not brain about 57 times in a row)and at my schizophrenic moments.

Heidi's Brain Again: I REALLY WANT TO SMOKE.

Dog ...is the bossman spelled backwards, and he seemed to be a better listener The dog we were dogsitting and the dog I fell in love with ....had to go back home. This was not a happy moment for me, Heidi's Brain: I am thinking about adopting.... not another child, noooooooooooo!!! A short haired, I'm not so allergic to, rescued, hopefully potty trained, won't eat all your shoes dog. I know I am asking for alot from the dog species, but I have very high expectations that set me up for failure. It's a part of an on going cycle.... Heidi's Brain: Similar to the menstrual cycle we have that men don't like mentioned...we have sex for a few weeks , then feel PMSy, and then well all men suck for a week, then it's all better when it gets back to the sex stage and the men don't know what the hell just happened, kinda like that. Oh yeah and life sucks too, and where is my chocolate?? We will discuss that in group therapy next week:)

I have not colored my hair yet...so far I have held myself back, there are only so many shades of brown anyways. I have used spell check a few times here and there, and I am going to the gym tommorrow. I figure I can knock out my new years resolutions list all in one shot so I can get this over with. Heidi's Brain: That a girl

Well it's getting down to a freezing 71, so I am going to put on my sweats and make some hot chocolate and call it a night. Take care friends.

Heidi's Brain: If you drink hot chocolate now, you are going to have to pee like a maniac at 2 in the morning.


Heidi..... & Her Brain

Rednecks & Alcohol

I absolutly have to tell everyone about our new years adventure. We went to a friends house in Florida about an hour away from our home. They invited many other friends who just so happened to be real country like rednecks. We grilled out, had a good time, I won a poker tournament, smoked an entire pack, because I was quitting the next day. And I really want to smoke right now.

I thought I would start out with a glass of Merlot, but it tasted real nasty, so I moved onto Captain Morgan. I did'nt want to be rude, so I finished the wine at dinner. Then I was invited for a shot of tequila, then another. Then I had more Captain Morgan, and Champagne at the end of the night. FYI: Wine, Captain Morgan, tequila and chapagne...mix ok... I was not as hung over as I was scared to death I was going to be.

Ok, now by 8 pm we were ddone eating and a bit...bored, so the redneck men started lighting the bottlerockets off...in their hands. They call them bottle rockets for a reason. *phoot* "Damn look at that un Dan, that there's pretty good" *Phoot* Whhhhoooooweee, I almust burnt off my fingers on that there one.

It was actually quite entertaining. Alcohol, rednecks and illegal fireworks don't mix.

Dan finally got his thumb burnt and cut by letting one of the bottle rockets go off in his hand....and he kept on doing it.

My friends live in a suberbia that used to be beautiful farm county. There is only a tiny bit of land left, which is a shame. The land that is left happens to be in their backyard.
*Phoot* the bottle rocket goes innto the air and lands in the field. *poof* Fire.

"Ya'll think it's going to put itself out?"

Ummmm noooo.

911 was finally called....by the neighbors.

Luckilly the owners of the field have sold it for development so all the field was going to be cleared anyways....my friends are very lucky, and.... dumb, and no charges were pressed.


This was the beggining of my 2006, I am not sure what to think about that......What do you think??


Heidi