It has been so strange within the last few weeks. I have gotten in touch with some old friends, that I have not spoken with in over 19 years, and it really has stirred some emotions about myself. I had already dealt with my past many years ago..the feelings of failure blah blah blah…to realize that I am not, I am just human… and I am ok with how life turned out…really. I fell along the rocky paths a few times, got bloodied, but damn it, I got back up, brushed myself and moved on.
Here is something I thought of last night while I was walking the dogs that led me to the above. It was warm and a breezy night in Florida. I live near a lake, and the frogs were going nuts, the birds were chiming in, and you could even hear the alligators call out at the moon, as it was just starting to come out at the same time the sun was setting. It was red and orange glowing on top of the most glorious midnight blue I have ever seen. It was like a prehistoric jungle in my backyard, and it was beautiful..and I had forgotten that I had not taken a deep breath in a long time.......I need to do this more.
Then as pace settled in...me and my ADD self had to wander through thoughts...and I wandered to the past, since it has been on my mind so freggin much lately.
I was pregnant my entire senior year of high school...Having her…surprise…right in the middle of finals. She has always beat to her own drummer...(Thanks for making me go to SUMMER SCHOOL KAYLA..you could not wait two more classes??) This by far was one of the most difficult times of my life…peers staring and talking..and whispering…All eyes were always on me.It took me a long time not to feel like I was just a complete miserable nothing. I had no self esteem left..I look back, I wish I would have had alot more back bone and told everyone to go to hell.
But after I had her…after I held her..I kept saying I had a baby? I had a baby girl? With an excitement of awe not ever realizing that this little life truly was inside me all this time. The Nurse said” Yes Honey..you were pregnant” and handed her to me. I stared at her for hours, and It happened immediately..I became Mommy. I hardly ever let go of her, and would protect her life with my own in an instant. My teenage crazy days were over…and I grew up instantly, but that was just what needed to happen.
4 months after she was born I had the flu. I had a fever, I was sweating, throwing up, the whole 9 yards. I went to my parents so they could watch the baby. I did not want her getting sick, and took some asprin, and went to sleep in a back bedroom. A few hours later I had hives all over my arms and legs…then on my torso, my back, my neck….by 2 am I thought I was going to scrape my skin off with a knife , but I tend to like my skin so instead I went to the emergency room.
Within minutes, the familiar urge to throw up overwhelmed me. I asked my x to please ask the nurse to find th bathroom…quick!!! She came over to me and said “You look pale, can you stand up?” I said yes, and BOOM, hit the floor.
The next thing I know is a really hot male nurse (I mean smoking) is taking off my bra…someone’s taking off my shirt, people are sticking things on my chest..at 18 everone seeing me naked, Oh god let me die now!!!!I can barely open my eyes. Then I try to speak, and I can’t.(Ok maybe I did not mean let me die...)
I hear the distinct thub dub of my heart in my ears…but then it dawns on me, somewhere in this panicked state, that there should be more heartbeats….then I hear someone reading out my blood pressure and a female voice saying “Were losing her.” A scene straight out of ER.
I desperately want to speak, and cannot move my lips, I want to lift my am, or leg to say “I’m still here!!!” and can’t. I hear the voices around me…..then utter silence. More panic.If my heart could beat it would be going 200bpm..
Now the only way I can put this,is I felt like I was playing the game where you are standing, it is a trust game, and you have to fall backward into their arms….”wait a minute, I am going down, not floating up” and start praying in 30 seconds like I have never prayed before”Please forgive me of my sins blah blah blah” I know I am dying. More panic…”Why won’t my heart beat?.."Helloooo IM STILL HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!”I am literally scraming this in my head.
Then I have flashes of people and the last flash I see is my baby. “Oh god..I can’t leave her..not now, Oh god..please can’t go now”
Then I feel like I am falling forward, back into my own body…and peace..pure peace
4 hours later I am awakened with people asking “What is your name..what is your
name??” trying to see if I had brain function..because I quit breathing…
I had died.
After liooking in the mirror..I decided that this really is not my best look.
Apparently The Almighty Heidi’s Kryptonite is Aspirin…causing massive anaphaliptic shock..thus death.
My daughter will be 18 in just a few months…hard to believe that. She is a very strong woman, She stands up for herself, does not take any crap from guys, and study’s super hard, and has actually learned from my bumps along the road.
"Strong Women. May we know them, may we raise them, may we be them."
I made my own up. "Stupid men make strong (pissed off) women"...that works too...
I may not have become a doctor, I never finished my degree…but you know what..I cheated death… and was put here to be a mom to all three of my kids…well there will be no pity party.
So there.
Today..I am Almighty Heidi Again…as long as there is no aspirin involved.
Latte’
11/13/2008
11/12/2008
Right About Midnight.......
It’s midnight…and she sleeps…………
And sleeps……
And forgot to set her alarm clock for work.
So after the bouts of Insomnia, I finally slept. It felt so good, I almost forgot to wake up….luckily my dogs were like “WTF” and about explode, so they woke me up, and even though they are small, they dragged me down and out of the condo in three seconds flat. They were even pawing at the elevator door trying to make the thing open faster.
So I am not sure what did it…maybe some peace..or peace of mind, which is a funny story.
Yesterday, because of the lack of sleep, I was in a bad dream of moving too slow and having to get somewhere fast. I had a meeting, can’t find the keys, and then…my dog throws up his medicine…gross…on my brand new feather down wonderfully soft comforter.
Fuck.
I have to go, so I am gone. Then about 30 minutes into my departure. There it is. Any phone call from Bruce (My emotionally impotent other half) before 11 am, is a bad call. “I can’t find my belt, or guess what your kids did…blah blah blah, I’m a big baby,” I have come not to answer those calls anymore. Here was this morning’s message that put me in a foul mood..
“Why didn’t you clean up the dogs mess before you left?”
Now this pissed me off. He knew I had a meeting, and HAD to go. He saw the mess the same time I did..yet somehow it became my mess to clean up even though it is “Our” dog.
Now, not to get into the whiney female he does she does of a relationship..but this is a constant and I am a bit tired.
I did get an email and it said “ I know you don’t think it or feel it, but I really do love you”
It’s midnight…not in the dark or the light, the somewhere in between, which is an awful place to be..it is very grey….the place where we are at..
so she chooses to sleep. It is too difficult to handle now..maybe later……
I wrote back “Sometimes love is taking the sheets off the bed” I think I like that saying in more ways than one;)
I did not get a response, nor were the sheets taken off the bed when I got home..dry puke left for me to clean up.
What an ass.
I think perhaps I am going to go to the vet and have him put down...
no not the dog.
Bruce.
"Excuse me Dr....I need to put him down,or he just needs to ffind a new home he is food agressive, mean, and I do not even know if he has all his shots. He snaps at the slightest thing..and wel..let's face it, he is lazy and overweight too...."
*Evil grin*
That made me laugh
Latte'
Heidi
Latte’
Heidi
And sleeps……
And forgot to set her alarm clock for work.
So after the bouts of Insomnia, I finally slept. It felt so good, I almost forgot to wake up….luckily my dogs were like “WTF” and about explode, so they woke me up, and even though they are small, they dragged me down and out of the condo in three seconds flat. They were even pawing at the elevator door trying to make the thing open faster.
So I am not sure what did it…maybe some peace..or peace of mind, which is a funny story.
Yesterday, because of the lack of sleep, I was in a bad dream of moving too slow and having to get somewhere fast. I had a meeting, can’t find the keys, and then…my dog throws up his medicine…gross…on my brand new feather down wonderfully soft comforter.
Fuck.
I have to go, so I am gone. Then about 30 minutes into my departure. There it is. Any phone call from Bruce (My emotionally impotent other half) before 11 am, is a bad call. “I can’t find my belt, or guess what your kids did…blah blah blah, I’m a big baby,” I have come not to answer those calls anymore. Here was this morning’s message that put me in a foul mood..
“Why didn’t you clean up the dogs mess before you left?”
Now this pissed me off. He knew I had a meeting, and HAD to go. He saw the mess the same time I did..yet somehow it became my mess to clean up even though it is “Our” dog.
Now, not to get into the whiney female he does she does of a relationship..but this is a constant and I am a bit tired.
I did get an email and it said “ I know you don’t think it or feel it, but I really do love you”
It’s midnight…not in the dark or the light, the somewhere in between, which is an awful place to be..it is very grey….the place where we are at..
so she chooses to sleep. It is too difficult to handle now..maybe later……
I wrote back “Sometimes love is taking the sheets off the bed” I think I like that saying in more ways than one;)
I did not get a response, nor were the sheets taken off the bed when I got home..dry puke left for me to clean up.
What an ass.
I think perhaps I am going to go to the vet and have him put down...
no not the dog.
Bruce.
"Excuse me Dr....I need to put him down,or he just needs to ffind a new home he is food agressive, mean, and I do not even know if he has all his shots. He snaps at the slightest thing..and wel..let's face it, he is lazy and overweight too...."
*Evil grin*
That made me laugh
Latte'
Heidi
Latte’
Heidi
11/11/2008
iNsoMnIa
58 percent of all adults have experience insomnia..some more than others like myself. There is nothing more aggravating than this constant tossing and turning. For the first time, I tried ambien, but I still wake up in the middle of the night. I do not want to take the new kind…the extended release..well..because..well
I talk in my sleep..I jabber…a lot. ..and have said things that have been..mean or inappropriate of sorts, and do not remember them..such as another man’s name…whom I do not even know, but maybe I wish I did?
I gave this genetic gift to my middle son who goes on and on in his sleep as well. So, if under no perception drugs in my system (or non) ..do I talk incessantly..I could only imagine what it would be like taking this medicine reading the side effects below:
“Sleepwalking, and eating or driving while not fully awake, with amnesia for the event, have been reported. “
I am like every woman am chronic dieting..I have no chocolate or goodies in my home whatsoever to sway any temptation.
I would be the one driving to the 24 hour grocery store buying some double fudge brownie ice cream, chocolate chip cookie dough, and whip cream and go at it..and not remember.
MMMMMMMM Double fudge brownie…….
What a bummer NOT to remember eating double fudge brownie ice cream. That is cruelty to one’s self…damn it if I am going to cheat I am going to remember it!!
So, through my dilemma of not sleeping I have tried new pillows, a new deliciously comfortable down blanket, I have kicked my pugs off the bed, only to hear Cosmo incessantly whine like he is in pain all night until I would put him back on the bed....
I have tried getting drunk…(not a good night in Heidi land, the bathroom floor is cold) then warm baths, warm milk, warm music, even an alarm clock that plays crickets, waterfalls and storms…it sounds like I am in the woods in the summertime, and want to bathe myself in OFF…..
So, until the stress lessens, and my brain can find a way to sync back with my body, I am just screwed..and I start blogging about “seeing all the pretty pink elephants floating by” or you see a lady in her pajama’s eating a gallon of ice-cream, shooting whip cream out of the can… with her eyes closed driving …it’s just lack of some good zzzzzzzzzzz’ssss.
Latte’
Heidi
11/08/2008
Courage Under My Own Fire
Last night I could not sleep, and my mind was spinning, so I got up, and started writing. I hate writing deep soul insightful things..I would rather not. I try not to be mushy, or come off that way, but deep down..well...ater all..I am a woman.
It is strange as adult watching my parents go through a time of seperation, leading to ultimate divorce. It was my mother who left, and my father who s trying to pick up the shattered peices after 40 years of what is left. It is strange, being the daughter who listens and counsels the father...how backwards is that...but I would not trade it for the world because I love my father dearly and has always been there to help me pick my own peices up off the floor as well.
Going through relatinship break ups..serious ones, is so utterly painful. Your heart is a big open wound...and it just keeps bleeding. Let's face it. There is no bandaid to "Make it all better"
One of my favorite quotes is "To get to the end, you must go through first"
Going "through" sucks. Threough is :"What is wrong with me...what did I do wrong, blah blah blah beat yourself up crap that is there either to beat your self up, or make yourself stronger, when you start to realize..hey I did make some mistakes, but I deserve more than this"
I find myself talling him that there is a light at the end of the tunnel..starting over at 60..it will be ok, you can pick up the peices and make something beautiful out of your life that you never knew was there. I am the queen of "With weakness comes strength"
Then I realize as I talk to him, I am only really talking to myself as well...and this is why I cant sleep.
This morning I groggily woke up, shuffled to the kitchen to make my coffee, and wentback to bed...flicking through the channels..and the nerd in me started watching a show..on "How it's made"
It took Thomas Edison 1600 diffrent elements to find the one that would work, so we could have light. How exausting. I do not want to go through all the elements to find the person that makes me light up. Try fail try fail...maybe I am to independent....Then there is a sad image of me..growing old..and alone being the cat lady...but thankfully I am allergic to cats..so maybe I will be the old lady that talks to her plants..and knits...but I have killed all the plants I have ever owned...and I was the one that ran with scissors, fell, and stabbed myself when I was 8....hmmmm
Personally, I do not want it to take me 1600 trys to find the one element that will bring me light. Maybe the light..is somewhere within me, certainly you dont NEED another person to make you happy..
ok wow enough ramblings of mush. To combat this gooey blog, my next one will be all male bashing to make me feel all better...coming soon..
latte'
Heidie
It is strange as adult watching my parents go through a time of seperation, leading to ultimate divorce. It was my mother who left, and my father who s trying to pick up the shattered peices after 40 years of what is left. It is strange, being the daughter who listens and counsels the father...how backwards is that...but I would not trade it for the world because I love my father dearly and has always been there to help me pick my own peices up off the floor as well.
Going through relatinship break ups..serious ones, is so utterly painful. Your heart is a big open wound...and it just keeps bleeding. Let's face it. There is no bandaid to "Make it all better"
One of my favorite quotes is "To get to the end, you must go through first"
Going "through" sucks. Threough is :"What is wrong with me...what did I do wrong, blah blah blah beat yourself up crap that is there either to beat your self up, or make yourself stronger, when you start to realize..hey I did make some mistakes, but I deserve more than this"
I find myself talling him that there is a light at the end of the tunnel..starting over at 60..it will be ok, you can pick up the peices and make something beautiful out of your life that you never knew was there. I am the queen of "With weakness comes strength"
Then I realize as I talk to him, I am only really talking to myself as well...and this is why I cant sleep.
This morning I groggily woke up, shuffled to the kitchen to make my coffee, and wentback to bed...flicking through the channels..and the nerd in me started watching a show..on "How it's made"
It took Thomas Edison 1600 diffrent elements to find the one that would work, so we could have light. How exausting. I do not want to go through all the elements to find the person that makes me light up. Try fail try fail...maybe I am to independent....Then there is a sad image of me..growing old..and alone being the cat lady...but thankfully I am allergic to cats..so maybe I will be the old lady that talks to her plants..and knits...but I have killed all the plants I have ever owned...and I was the one that ran with scissors, fell, and stabbed myself when I was 8....hmmmm
Personally, I do not want it to take me 1600 trys to find the one element that will bring me light. Maybe the light..is somewhere within me, certainly you dont NEED another person to make you happy..
ok wow enough ramblings of mush. To combat this gooey blog, my next one will be all male bashing to make me feel all better...coming soon..
latte'
Heidie
11/07/2008
Life After Percocet...
Today it dawned on me…my new friend Terri wrote on her blog about this ol' blog, and my brother introduced me to facebook last night, where I listed Terri’s ,(hope you don't mind) and mine…and..I might have to actually start writing again. I know all my readers ( all three of them) have been wondering when I would come back....or have you?
Here is link to Terri's...it is inpirational, and her art is the most beautiful I have ever seen.
http://www.bonesigharts.blogspot.com/
I started reading through my old entries and realized I needed to give you an update…and this will mark as my 101th blog…kewl….
My back surgery went wonderfully..they say third time is the charm. For the first time in three years due to this and the new drug Cymbalta (“because depression hurts”), I am pain free.
Let's just take a moment and CELEBRATE that.
I am not back to my old running days, but I am back up on the treadmill feeling liberated, and free..and back to the old new me…so I had to say goodbye to Mr. Percocet…ahhhhh it was fun while it lasted my friend.
Now as for the family...
Michael still has his nuts. (New readers are going WTF??..ok…it’s in the old blogs below)
Nathan is on medicine for the rest of his life…but unfortunately this medicine will never fixes his teenager attitude of Mr. Know it all, and I am too good for chores, and can I have 20 bucks even though I did nothing all day...I am thinking military school.Sometimes I think of moving to Nebraska and dropping him off at the local hospital. For those of you who haven't watched the news this is actually happingin in that state.It was meant for people who had babies and did not want them. instead of killing the child or doing something nuts they could drop them off at a hospital, no questions asked...but they forgot to set an age limit.
Here is link to Terri's...it is inpirational, and her art is the most beautiful I have ever seen.
http://www.bonesigharts.blogspot.com/
I started reading through my old entries and realized I needed to give you an update…and this will mark as my 101th blog…kewl….
My back surgery went wonderfully..they say third time is the charm. For the first time in three years due to this and the new drug Cymbalta (“because depression hurts”), I am pain free.
Let's just take a moment and CELEBRATE that.
I am not back to my old running days, but I am back up on the treadmill feeling liberated, and free..and back to the old new me…so I had to say goodbye to Mr. Percocet…ahhhhh it was fun while it lasted my friend.
Now as for the family...
Michael still has his nuts. (New readers are going WTF??..ok…it’s in the old blogs below)
Nathan is on medicine for the rest of his life…but unfortunately this medicine will never fixes his teenager attitude of Mr. Know it all, and I am too good for chores, and can I have 20 bucks even though I did nothing all day...I am thinking military school.Sometimes I think of moving to Nebraska and dropping him off at the local hospital. For those of you who haven't watched the news this is actually happingin in that state.It was meant for people who had babies and did not want them. instead of killing the child or doing something nuts they could drop them off at a hospital, no questions asked...but they forgot to set an age limit.
Yes, there is the evil mom in me smiling
"Well Nathan, we had some good years together, but you just don't listen any more, I hope you find a good family"
*Grin*
But realitly sets in, and I realize he is just as bullheaded as I am, and I do love him.
Kayla started her junior year off to a big bang in a boating accident and had broken three vertebrae’s, and herniated a disk….just when I got healed, she gets hurt….
Oh the life of a single mom is so fun.
*Grin*
But realitly sets in, and I realize he is just as bullheaded as I am, and I do love him.
Kayla started her junior year off to a big bang in a boating accident and had broken three vertebrae’s, and herniated a disk….just when I got healed, she gets hurt….
Oh the life of a single mom is so fun.
She is ok, but hurting, and thank god can walk…I am praying she will heal instead of having to go through surgery. She is a strong and independent girl so I know she will do fine.
My parents are divorcing after 40 years, and my brother is moving to Japan….EVEN BETTER… I love life.
And just when life started to calm, just for one itty bitty second, the day I got Kayla out of the hospital after being there for several days….
My new (old adopted) dog Cosmo had surgery, which cost 1500.00, and for about 3 days peed on my brand new carpet…niceeeeeeeeeeeeee.
So what is a mom to do? Well as my friend Terri said “We must respect the struggle”
So in reply to that, I had one night without Mr. Emotionally Impotent (That’s my new name for formerly known as Mr.Insignificant….My going nowhere relationship), the kids or the dogs…
And Honored myself, and had a toast to my struggle…and a few more with my favorite man…
He starts with a “C”..
Captain Morgan of course, and that night SURPRISE he brought his lady friend “Tequila”gift from my friend Mary..and she had a toast too…then I honored myself a bit too much…
I found out that these Mr. Captain Morgans and Ms. Tequila don’t like each other that much the next day as my head throbbed, and my body begged for starbucks and something really really greasy…
Ok, Maybe that was not exactly honoring myself but, it was fun while it lasted and I suppose every few years a night like this comes along….and I did get a pedicure so that counts right???
Oh..and PS..If my brother is reading this..THE ELECTION IS OVER..SHUT UP ALREADY. Yes, I KNOW OBAMA WON....
More from the Almighty Heidi later….
Latte’
Tha Almighty Heidi
5/27/2008
Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda Done
I am with my insignifigant other for what I think is 7 years now is the woulda coulda shoulda guy. It's a very annoying trait..this is the way it usually goes. " I would have gotten this for your birthday but....." : I was thinking about doing this for you but...." Always thinking that the thought counts, and it does, but after 7 years, you come to realize it is just an excuse, and he is better off not "Would have done this and would have done that" than even mention it. It's amazing falling asleep next to somebody and feeling completly alone.
I am going in for a third back surgery next week. The scary part of surgery, is when you have done it before, you find yourself wondering why in the hell are you doing it again. It hurts, but you take on more pain, in hopes of reliving it in the end. Crazy.
I am one week away and I always get butterflys. Going in for pre-op tests, I am scared to death, but praying maybe this time, it will work. Being scared puts your life in perspective.
These are the things that go on in my head: Just in case in the rare occurrence I croak.
1. I renew my will. No I do not have millions, but I do want my wishes for my children to be taken into consideration if anything should ever happen.
2. I think of what I shoulda woulda coulda done with my life that I wished I did...and this makes me sad.
Ha! Maybe I am the same, as the other half of my relationship. Not towards him and things I do or give him, but in my own life. Did I finish nursing school? Did I take yoga, did I ever put together the scrapbooks I have been meaning to do for the last few years? Who am I going to vote for in the upcoming election? Did I hug my kids enough? I should have made that homeade potato soup with ham and chives and chedder cheese. Damn, so what if it is all carbs. And the big one.....Was I happy?
Not to be morbid or anything, but I have embraced my innermost thoughts and feelings upon reflection and know some things must change in me, and in my world that is around me. Instead of being petrified, it's almost like a good time to make a middle of the year New Year's resolution. Something attainable so I feel capable, so I can move on to the bigger issues. It's a good self check to think If I died next week...was my life fufilling?
I am going in for a third back surgery next week. The scary part of surgery, is when you have done it before, you find yourself wondering why in the hell are you doing it again. It hurts, but you take on more pain, in hopes of reliving it in the end. Crazy.
I am one week away and I always get butterflys. Going in for pre-op tests, I am scared to death, but praying maybe this time, it will work. Being scared puts your life in perspective.
These are the things that go on in my head: Just in case in the rare occurrence I croak.
1. I renew my will. No I do not have millions, but I do want my wishes for my children to be taken into consideration if anything should ever happen.
2. I think of what I shoulda woulda coulda done with my life that I wished I did...and this makes me sad.
Ha! Maybe I am the same, as the other half of my relationship. Not towards him and things I do or give him, but in my own life. Did I finish nursing school? Did I take yoga, did I ever put together the scrapbooks I have been meaning to do for the last few years? Who am I going to vote for in the upcoming election? Did I hug my kids enough? I should have made that homeade potato soup with ham and chives and chedder cheese. Damn, so what if it is all carbs. And the big one.....Was I happy?
Not to be morbid or anything, but I have embraced my innermost thoughts and feelings upon reflection and know some things must change in me, and in my world that is around me. Instead of being petrified, it's almost like a good time to make a middle of the year New Year's resolution. Something attainable so I feel capable, so I can move on to the bigger issues. It's a good self check to think If I died next week...was my life fufilling?
5/19/2008
Bringing you into my world
Ok so where have I been? Alien abduction of course!!
During this time away I had total lack of creativity as if it had been sucked out of my head by a big black hole. To make a long story short, I had alot of things going on...landed a promotion. I am not sure if it was by my low cut blouse, or "I'm quitting if I don't get paid what I am worth" and the low cut blouse, but I got it, and it was crazy from September untill now.
Then my son had an issue with...well..umm..er his penis ok? He had what the dr thought was a mass, that turned out to be an enlarged vein and if it causes him any sudden increase in pain he has to be taken to the hospital immediatly so he does not lose a nut. Yes...a nut. Poor little guy..12 years old and having doctors fondling him and a sonogram of those parts by a ultra hottie young lady, has left my son scarred for the rest of his life. It was like a bad movie. The doc comes in the room with what...oh yes another doctor, a medical student and they take turns...examining my son.
He did not speak to me for the rest of the day.
Hey..I love my son..he'll thank me that he will be able to keep his nuts in tack...unlike my dogs...which leads me to my next story..
I have adopted two dogs...pugs..Cosmo and Winston. They don't do much of anything. They do however shed..alot.
My other son had some medical issues as well which we later found to be some sort of enzyme defficency that lead to symptoms of gouty arthritis in his hands and neck, and made him throw up alot. It was horrible. How ever it did not account for his 14 year old attitude of "You're so dumb" and I know EVERYTHING because I am a 14 year old know it all, and my room is clean eyerolling. I need to make a pill a day to get rid of that. I could make MILLIONS!
Finally, I took a trip down memory lane and read all my old postings, as painful as that is. I read about when I had my last back surgery...my percocet psotings. I gotta say I am fucking hilarious.Well, at leaset I think I was. Let me just say..if we all had some PER-Co-cet...life would be alot happier. We could all be in MORopHINE land together...life is so much nicer there. I remembered ABSOLUTLY nothing bothered me there. Ahhhhh memories. I also posted how I feel sorry for people that were in pain every day. Well guess what..I am one of them.
Ps..if you do not like four letter words..mainly the one the f one, you know FUCK...don't read any furthur, I just read this blog before posting it,(no not to proofread my spelling errors..i will NEVER do that), but I feel I might have aquired touretts... I may have misspelled this too...)
Today I went to my neurosurgeon of two years. He likes looking at my boobs. He looks at them everytime I visit...or should I say when me and the girls visit. We discussed some options, one of which involves surgry. I can help but think that once I am on the table, in the little hospital gown, they will undrape my back, and he will take a nice long look at my ass...no, I know he will. I might just have my girlfriend write on my back for him to find "Stop looking at my ass and fix my back"
It's actually a funny thought.
Ok still laughing to myself.
This is where I think my black hole of "where did my creativity go" (no were not talking about my ass anymore)...it's in the black hole of "My fucking back hurts" Clearly the fuck word is my most powerful word of writing choice today...say it along with me F U C K..there now, dosnt that make everything better? It helps with my frustation and keeps me from going into the land O therapy
I did pain clinic, meditation, yoga, epidurals, but could I get the holy grail of PERCOCET? Nooooooooooooo. So for 2 years it has been an ALmighty Heidi struggle of PAIN. Don't ever get a back fusion.
I go next week I think to get the rods and screws taken out in hopes this will relieve pressure that it is putting on the herniated disk below my fusion and the brand fucking new herniated disk above the fusion.
But there is good news in all of this...welcome back MOR O PHINE my gooood long lost friend.
So this hopefully will be it, otherwise if I dissappear again, since no doctors will give out pain meds anymore,you will know that I have become a crack hoar in a city near you....ok maybe not...
So this where I've been. Not looking for pity..maybe percocet, but not pity...hahahaha. It's been so much fun reading my old gangs posts..xdell...rainy pete.. foam...you are still you and that makes life normal..or does it...I am talking about you guys right? hahahahahahaha.
Moral of todays story...all doctors are pervs....and quit looking at my ass....no not the cute one....
Love the ALmighty Heidi
During this time away I had total lack of creativity as if it had been sucked out of my head by a big black hole. To make a long story short, I had alot of things going on...landed a promotion. I am not sure if it was by my low cut blouse, or "I'm quitting if I don't get paid what I am worth" and the low cut blouse, but I got it, and it was crazy from September untill now.
Then my son had an issue with...well..umm..er his penis ok? He had what the dr thought was a mass, that turned out to be an enlarged vein and if it causes him any sudden increase in pain he has to be taken to the hospital immediatly so he does not lose a nut. Yes...a nut. Poor little guy..12 years old and having doctors fondling him and a sonogram of those parts by a ultra hottie young lady, has left my son scarred for the rest of his life. It was like a bad movie. The doc comes in the room with what...oh yes another doctor, a medical student and they take turns...examining my son.
He did not speak to me for the rest of the day.
Hey..I love my son..he'll thank me that he will be able to keep his nuts in tack...unlike my dogs...which leads me to my next story..
I have adopted two dogs...pugs..Cosmo and Winston. They don't do much of anything. They do however shed..alot.My other son had some medical issues as well which we later found to be some sort of enzyme defficency that lead to symptoms of gouty arthritis in his hands and neck, and made him throw up alot. It was horrible. How ever it did not account for his 14 year old attitude of "You're so dumb" and I know EVERYTHING because I am a 14 year old know it all, and my room is clean eyerolling. I need to make a pill a day to get rid of that. I could make MILLIONS!
Finally, I took a trip down memory lane and read all my old postings, as painful as that is. I read about when I had my last back surgery...my percocet psotings. I gotta say I am fucking hilarious.Well, at leaset I think I was. Let me just say..if we all had some PER-Co-cet...life would be alot happier. We could all be in MORopHINE land together...life is so much nicer there. I remembered ABSOLUTLY nothing bothered me there. Ahhhhh memories. I also posted how I feel sorry for people that were in pain every day. Well guess what..I am one of them.
Ps..if you do not like four letter words..mainly the one the f one, you know FUCK...don't read any furthur, I just read this blog before posting it,(no not to proofread my spelling errors..i will NEVER do that), but I feel I might have aquired touretts... I may have misspelled this too...)
Today I went to my neurosurgeon of two years. He likes looking at my boobs. He looks at them everytime I visit...or should I say when me and the girls visit. We discussed some options, one of which involves surgry. I can help but think that once I am on the table, in the little hospital gown, they will undrape my back, and he will take a nice long look at my ass...no, I know he will. I might just have my girlfriend write on my back for him to find "Stop looking at my ass and fix my back"
It's actually a funny thought.
Ok still laughing to myself.
This is where I think my black hole of "where did my creativity go" (no were not talking about my ass anymore)...it's in the black hole of "My fucking back hurts" Clearly the fuck word is my most powerful word of writing choice today...say it along with me F U C K..there now, dosnt that make everything better? It helps with my frustation and keeps me from going into the land O therapy
I did pain clinic, meditation, yoga, epidurals, but could I get the holy grail of PERCOCET? Nooooooooooooo. So for 2 years it has been an ALmighty Heidi struggle of PAIN. Don't ever get a back fusion.
I go next week I think to get the rods and screws taken out in hopes this will relieve pressure that it is putting on the herniated disk below my fusion and the brand fucking new herniated disk above the fusion.
But there is good news in all of this...welcome back MOR O PHINE my gooood long lost friend.
So this hopefully will be it, otherwise if I dissappear again, since no doctors will give out pain meds anymore,you will know that I have become a crack hoar in a city near you....ok maybe not...
So this where I've been. Not looking for pity..maybe percocet, but not pity...hahahaha. It's been so much fun reading my old gangs posts..xdell...rainy pete.. foam...you are still you and that makes life normal..or does it...I am talking about you guys right? hahahahahahaha.
Moral of todays story...all doctors are pervs....and quit looking at my ass....no not the cute one....
Love the ALmighty Heidi
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