I Scream For Ice Cream

From understanding comes love ~Rumi

My son had a migrane for two days. The second day had worsened so bad we were sent to the ER, mainly because the severe headache along with his increase in his OCD and seeing things and all..well they just wanted to make sure.

This part is raw

this part is real..

the part that makes me feel just awful.

For a few moments..a few hours, I entertained the thoughts...

If it is a tumor that means maybe they can "fix" him. Maybe it's NOT him. Maybe we can just make this all go away.

Maybe they can make the number 5 go away...the number that he hears over and over and over again in his head..or the letter t..

555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555

His scans were fine. We were sent home after they gave him some medication to keep him from throwing up, and for the pain...one is used for schizophrenia.

TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

Then I got home and I had two rejection letters waiting for me for 2nd jobs. Not the worst part of my day..but it did not help things any.

I was numb untill today.

Today I am mourning the loss of life as I thought it was going to be. I think I needed to do this.

I am mourning for my son and I see the challanges ahead..and I am rolling twoards acceptance.

Tommorrow I will move on to acceptance...and I will fight the challanges with my son..

but today..

today I must tear off the superhero cape

cry like a baby...

eat chocolate ice cream...

scream into my pillow...

and be mad at the world

I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love. Mother Teresa

AlmightyHeidi

Superhero

Childhood

At 5 and 6 we fought against the "bad guys"
in our underoo's, and capes made out of sheets

Making the world right
balancing the forces of good and evil
in the universe.

Valant heros
of the one room with airconditioning
on the steamy July afternoon.

The dark forces
invade our planet

"Didn't I tell you already
to go O-U-T-S-I-D-E" they say

We grab our invisible, but oh so powerful
lightsabers

plotting the ultimate demise
of the evil mothership and air conditioning conquest
for another day

as our secret plans

to find a neighbors pool

unfolds

~AlmightyHeidi

Thank you

I never had a poem written for me
till today.

Thank you Matt
for the oxygen mask :)
Here is the link below:
http://www.shadowofiris.com/2010/05/07/almighty-heidi-keep-writing/



AlmightyHeidi

Words

I did not think..earlier this week that I would have anymore words left to write
but I do...

There is this black hole that feeds off my soul
and I am not sure why it has chosen me

So I guess..I have to let it out

I have words..not of peace, or enilghtenment
but I guess of this path that I dont understand of now...

My father for the fourth time
the last
two weeks ago
has been broken into

he lives in fear
of every noise in his home

there is nothing left to take
nothing of value anyways

his one possesion
his tv, he hides in his bathtub every morning before work
and it is safe
no one has found it


His soul

my mom took with her when she left
he has tried so hard to build his life
and I watch him trying to put back the pieces of forty years
he his reached a place of peace within
that he can at least breathe

and my mother
is coming home, what used to be home
just for awhile later this month to help my daughter recoup from surgery
this is what my daughter wants
and besides..this is about her, and her healing

But

I worry
about my mom playing with my fathers emotions as she lives with another married man
for over a year,
and my dad does not have the heart to divorce her
He still wants her..his honey his "b" his life back.

I watch from the outside in
knowing that no matter what
I will be there to pick up the broken
with my father

My son can no longer attend school

"Mom picture the number five
now say it again five times
then ten times in your head
then fifty, then times a hundred
then if that does not work can you see the letter T
trace it over and over again with your finger
again and again..can you hear the teacher talking?"

His brilliant mind is jumbled wth letters
and numbers and computer codes that he cant find the off switch for

Maybe this..this is why did not want to write because it is
RAW
it is painful

but I dont know what to do with it
but write

and hope

somehow the universe can hear
the cry of my heart

I want to hide in the bathtub
I want to find that safe place
where no one can find me

I want to hide
but... I want to be seen
I need to be heard.

AlmightyHeidi

Adios

The time has come where the income tax and savings have run out and child support is still ceased...and I have had the flu..for 5 days.

Im scared
kinda feel alone
without alot of options

Going to move into a tiny 2 bedroom place in July
if i can pull that off
which requires me landing that second job

So for now
I have nothing left to say

except
Im done writing

It was a fun.

Almighty Heidi

Stirring The Unseen

Ok, Im not in a dark place..just thinking..meditating on a few things..I watched this show that brought up alot of feelings, that I am ok with now.

Numbing pain, not having to feel it or deal with it...always leads to a bigger problem. I was watching a show on a young 20 something who was using pain pills, cutting, anything to numb her pain from the age of 13 on.

She said she never felt..worthy enough....there was a hole she could not fill. ..and she kept trying to gill that empty space..with crap..masking emotion..numbing the insides. Then when all the world was against her, there was one, who saw her for who she was, had faith in her and helped her get better.

I know how dangerous that is, that not worthy feeling. Maybe it is a girl thing? I have been there. I dont know where it stems from, but it was there ..that feeling...from when I was 14 on up. There is not much I can attribute it to..it was like it was sewn into my genetic code somehow...and you look for stuff...to fill that hole..and all it does it make it worse.

This show touched me because I have been in those dark places, I think we all have been..within our own soul at one point.
Maybe..this is how we become the light
Maybe this is how we understand..the fragile humaness of others...of our selves.

When you finally allow yourself to feel..your soul stirs..good and bad...kinda like cleaning my fishtank..it looks good from the outside, but once the gravel starts moving around at the bottom, all the gunk surfaces to the top...untill you clean it all up, or..it settles to the bottom waiting for the gravel to be stirred again..and it starts to stink.


Screaming inside
twisted
broken
bound
by my own thoughts

Lay back
let her go
set me free

Falling into her soul
the one who stirs the unseen within me

whispering softly
against the madness

she who is assulted by her own self'
her own mind
her own feelings

bleeding
not to feel

I see in you
worthy
beautiful
strength beyond measure

release me
let me go and
stir the unseen
pateintly cleaning
the wounds of hurt

filling her soul with faith
courage
and love for herself
filling the empty spaces

Lay back

let her go

set me free.

Almighty Heidi

You are in truth of the soul, of the soul, of the soul

"Oh soul,you worry too much.

You have seen your own strength.

You have seen your own beauty.

You have seen your golden wings.

Of anything less,why do you worry?

You are in truth the soul, of the soul, of the soul ~Rumi

My blog about control..good and bad. I went to the gym..and let it all out. Good.

The muscles, underneath the muscles, underneath those..hurt...but the heart still hurts, the worries are still there of course, but working out gives me a better clearer outlook of sorts.

I suppose it is not so much the control I am missing, as I need an outlet. I read this yesterday and it made me think.. :http://www.squarepegpeople.typepad.com/squarepeg_reflections/

Namahaby Tina M. Marks Shirley

The"lesser known" Sanskrit word that means "not me" or "its not about me." It reflects the notion that we are not the ones in control.

During those inevitable times when we feel lost or confused, don't know which way to turn, or when our best-made plans go awry, trust that all is as it should be and remember:

Namaha~ Inhale: It's not about me.

Namaha.Exhale: All is well.

Namaha.Inhale: There is a greater plan.

Namaha.Exhale: I have faith. Namaha.

That is a hard thing to do for me. My faith in the past few years..well lets just say hope seems like a fairytale...but I have to hang onto something....(so says my spirit)

But I think it is the one thing we as humans do..is hold on to some glimmer of hope, or faith that it is all intertwined somehow, there is a reason or a lesson behind it all..we have to when things are bad, upon bad upon bad.

If there was no reason, or fate, or something..life is pretty dark...dark is a scary bad place where I am choosing not to go.

So...

Inhale;It's not about me

Exhale: All is well

Inhale: there is a greater plan

Exhale: I have faith

~Almighty Heidi