Ugly

So this weekend..I was exhausted, grouchy, feeling unappreciated, taken forgranted..all the things moms feel. I started my second job, and I finally finished training.

The first seven dollar tip was like gold..because it was mine.

It has been hard. Very hard. Then there is tons of lifting, bending, and just total mayhem on the body. After three back surgeries, I am wondering what the hell I am doing waitressing. Between both jobs I worked 58 hours last week..and it will be 60 this week. Then I look at the bills on the table and know exactly why.

I feel blessed and cursed all at the same time. I’m trying to count my blessings..I really really am..but honestly...I just feel bitter..

and that is just my ugly side..here is what I am really feeling..my tantrum from my previous post has overflowed onto this page...

I am angry to be the only provider for my children.
I am angry the other parent has stepped out completely and does not give a damn.
I am angry because I work two jobs..and he chooses not to work at all.
I am angry that I put him through college.
I am angry that I want to go back to school, but cannot.

I am angry because my boyfriend has weekend plans..that I cannot attend..because I am busting my ass.
I am angry that even with a second job; I cannot cover my daughter’s health insurance.

I am angry because I deal with customers all day long, job one and job two, and I can "fix" things for them..make everything all better....but the important things in my life..my kids.....the stuff that needs fixed, I feel powerless.


I am angry because..where is my joy? Where is my dinner out? Where is my happiness..where is my vacation? Where is my "let me make it all better for you" person?

Yeah..theres the temper tantrum!

And if I hear...of your family..going to the beach..or to the movies..or out to eat...and what a great time you had..Im going to smile..say thats great...and throw up all at the same time....I want to take my kids to the beach..ya know??

But that is me..in my bitter place.

I am so jealous of one of my friends being a stay at home mom, I can barely talk to her anymore, because of my own bitterness..again..I know that’s wrong..I know it.

I am angry..because I am tired of the responsibility completely on my shoulders.

I don’t want to wear the superhero cape anymore..

There..I've said it. Brutal tantrum honesty.

~Almighty Heidi...


*Picking the cape off of the floor..dusting the stomp prints off of it, and putting it back on*

My Heaven

Take me to the place of in between

before the day is over

and the night begins

I can feel the earth slow

just for that moment

not quite spring

not quite summer

Where seasons

right before the change

blend as one

and I breathe them in

all is well.

Take me back to the fields I dream of

in my in between

not quite sleep, and not quite awake

where the breeze is always warm

and the sun shines upon my face.

I want to go back

to the in between

before

the present,

which writes itself, every moment

in every moment ,

I cant figure it out
and dont know what to do
everything around me
is moving to quickly


I need the earth to slow

I need to breathe

I need the sun to shine upon my face

take me back

to the in between


~Almighty Heidi

Tantrum

Just scribbling....my innerself is having a temper tantrum today.

I want it all.

I am not spoiled, nor have been

I just want the moon and the sky

The apple pie and the ice cream

I want the happy

The joy

The life I want

The moments that take my breath away

I feel like I could just grab it

but Im out of arms reach

I don’t want to choose

Poverty or exhaustion

Hot or cold

Up or down

I want it all

all of it

But along for the ride

comes

the good

and the bad

Damn.

~Almighty Heidi

The Lion

Sleepless thoughts

Pulling me under

Keeping me awake at night

Oh soul

Why must you worry

What if.. maybe it is ..perfect?

Though it seems less than

much less



but it is the right place





where you are





where you stand





it’s time to grab onto the life that has been given





allowing dreams, to be the hope





and not the misfortune




You are courage under fire


grace you have found
in the ashes



rise up





oh soul





and celebrate it all.









Almighty Heidi

Music..it's like honey

Soft acoustic rolling through my head

Speaking without words

What I feel within

Swaying with my eyes closed

My body becomes the melody

Singing sweetly

of how I ache for you

~Almighty Heidi

No Shoes

My daughter had surgery on Thursday. It honestly looks lke she was hit over the head with a baseball bat. The recovery is hard..being up every 2 hours to give her meds..or a few ounces of fluid at a time..it breaks a mama's heart...it really breaks my heart.

But I know it is temporary.

It makes me thankful..that she is not cronically ill. This is in an odd way.. is easy..her jaw is broken, she will get better and heal...

My son's condition..there is not a broken one that can be fixed. It is chronic..it is almost a taboo thing..mental illness..nothing that you can just..go in, take out and make all better.

Such a road.... a road I wish I were not on, there are too many sharp rocks that cut to the soul.. and...Im not wearing shoes.

I feel guilty about having to leave this week...for a few hours, desperatly trying to find a second job..to leave the ones even longer that need me the most..so that we can have food, and a place to live. It's just not right. It really is not right, it goes everything in my nature of being a mom.

Let me just say this fucking sucks.

But for Kayla..there is nothing that can heal
her dad not showing up
not giving a damn
calling to see if she is ok
he has just..quit.

This is the part where the animalistic protector in me comes out
I will wake up every two hours to take care of my child
I will do everything in my power to make the hurting stop
do whatever she needs..to make it all better
cause that is what moms do..that is what I am built for
it's just there, in my blood

Mother
protector
feel better-er


For the parts I have no control over..I will still do everything in my power to make the hurting stop...climb up the sharp rocks..and pray...pray to a god I am not sure of, the one who I just see placing more and more hurdles to see if I crack.. and hope for my childrens to overcome the ugliness of it all.


This is the road we are on, my kids and I
souls being cut and bruised
continuing to jump over the hurdles
hoping to heal

This is me..having a hard day
super tired
Tommorrow, is a new one
and we will be ok

Almighty Heidi

Dance With Me

Magic

Having faith that everything will be all right
When the world around you is so wrong.
Trying to see into the crystal ball of my soul
Predicting its future with hopefulness
Not listening to the false prophets of my mind
speaking fear

Dance with me
under the moonlight
raising you hands to the sky

Contagious joy
cuaght by the wind
creates the magic
that makes the fear fall away.



Do you ever feel like you keep treading water, faster and faster feeling like at any minute you will drown? I have this feeling everyday…like I’m just waiting to break..to lose all self control and someone may just have to find me under my desk in the rocking in the fetal position…”Yup she’s finally cracked” I would hear them say as I get taken away in a straight jacket. Im thinking of having a custom made one just in case. You can get that on eBay right?

On the way to work I caught myself as I scanned my body looking for some sort of sign that it’s is going to begin..the cracking… “Nope not yet”
I think that it has not happened yet…because I can see a glimmer of the light sometimes, the magic...the good stuff.

Thursday I was given a gift that enabled me to get all the food and supplements I needed for my daughters surgery since she will be on a liquid diet for a few months since her jaw will be wired shut. It also helped provide some cake and pizza for her 19th birthday tomorrow...this was truly magic...seriously. I had only 5 dollars left in my checking account.

Some more of the glimmer..Friday my children decided to go with me to the free music in the park. It is an event my community puts on every week that I’m so thankful for. We fed the turtles and there were about 50 in the water, and about a dozen ducks came to compete. It was really kind of neat. The breeze was blowing and it was the perfect night. My son even smiled a few times. I loved having my family around.

Little kids usually get up and dance all over to the music.. ...just having a good ol time, and its adorable to watch. This particular night there were two twin adult boys that were mentally handicapped. I’ve seen them before.

They had pure, pure, intoxicating joy.

I watched them clap and dance under the moonlight, not caring what anyone thought.

I found myself so jealous of that happiness bubbling up. If I could just feel a handful of that joy for just a moment..then I realized that I was smiling, and what they had was contagious, I felt the magic...another gift to my soul ..that blooms hope.

~Almighty Heidi

If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it. ~Mary Engelbreit