Blaming it yet again on the aliens, Almighty Heidi seeks truth

Here is another email I sent to the family. Thye are wonder how and when I became so dysfunctional. Therapy is an option, but I like to take the approach of non approach, that is...just blamming it on the aliens. I guess so those who may read understand, "Captain Markel" who is another blogger is my brother. I am the "Almighty Heidi" it was our superpower hero names growing up. We are to search truth and fight evil. While he is in the airforce fighting evil, I stay here for fighting for truth... the own inner demmons..or aliens. We grew up in a world of imagination, finding that really, we just want to go back, sometimes I may go to far back lying in the fetal position under my desk at work....

So here it is...emails to the family

The aliens that have invaded my brain have found a nice new welcoming habitat; that is my speculation on it anyways because they do not seem like they are going to leave anytime soon.

Mark:I got your call last night, I did not hear the phone ring but I got your message. I was torturing myself on this new machine at my gym that does not hurt while you are on it, but you wake up the next morning and find yourself almost at the point of being a quadriplegic. I was trying to be like Joni Ericsentada and dress myself just using my teeth. Bruce wanted to trade me in. As far as me ever getting an air force tee shirt from you…nope nope nope it never happened. The aliens are wearing my tee shirt… So I think now I will get an Army shirt to wear when I am up visiting you, to embarrass you in front of the other co-workers. (I was thinking memorial weekend)

Ainslie: Kayla got the Eli valentine from Sarah. He is still so squishyJ Kayla loves children and has Eli’s picture up in her room. Dreamed the other night that Kayla got pregnant at 14 and had a litter. (7 babies at once) Lets all hope that that was not a prophetic dream.

Mom: I got nothing from you, any call, card or tee shirt, but you and dad did have sex (Ewwww) almost 32 years ago and gave birth to the alien child (me) so I suppose that is gift enough.I love you. I know your 100th anniversary is coming up with Dad. Being married that long is weird, but amazing. Congrats!! I can’t fathom it because I have issues with all long term (anything past 5 years) in general. After 5 years, there pretty much a gonner.Bruce is on his third year with me. May he rest in peace. He was fun. I think I would make a good case study for Dr. Phil.

The “King” has bought me two 17’’ flat screen monitors to replace my two big old CRT screens, and he bought me latte’s 2 days in a row. For today, I have absolutely nothing bad to say about my job. I read this book..A real cheesy book that Bruce was reading to help me with my job difficulties, and perhaps the 5 year relationship thing, and ok I have a boss authority issue too, and oh yeah, the pent up man hating thing, not to forget about the obsessive compulsive hair coloring, coffee addiction, short term memory loss involving my keys and quite often the children, and the overwhelming urge to crawl under my desk in the fetal position. It was one of those dorky books “how to get more out of your job, life and relationships” it was called “the present” He basically said the same 3 things over and over again, and designed the book so he could become an inspirational speaker, which he did and has made millions off it. I have got to become an inspirational motivational writer…but I am far too cynical, and enjoy being that way, it gets me through life therapeutically, like a kid at fat camp saying screw it “I am going to enjoy my hot fudgy double chocolate brownie and the other fat kids can just drool and live a life of pain.” Is there such thing as a cynical negative motivational speaker? Satan maybe. Ewww.

Anyways I have been trying to apply it to my life thinking well “he has M.D. before his name so he must know what he’s talking about” but come to think of it, it does not say Dr of what, so he is probably a failed colon physician expressing his views on life and what he’s learned about the sh- - in life (did you get my pun…colon dr…sh--?? I crack myself up), in a book, and is a very rich man now. So the three points: “Put away the past but learn from it, live the fullest in the present, and plan for the future, but always making sure you are living in the present.” Duh….there was this big guy named GOD that wrote something similar, and he, after many years is still number one on the best sellers list. Even Spencer Johnson M.D. could not beat that. At least God did not sue for plagiarism, but GOD is “old school” eye for an eye type thing so I feel some bad Carma coming the colon dr’s way!