The Welcome Mat

So much has happened in the last few months, one day I will write about..but for now, here is just a snippit of my day..I just felt like writing..nothing intense, just..whatever..my own mini story of the afternoon.

Im finally moving around some things that have been sitting in awkward places after I moved in March. My father brought over a cooler that is packed with dishes…knick knacks I picked out when my mom abruptly left my dad two years ago after a high school reunion.. I vaguely remember packing them with my dad, as he told me to take anything I wanted. It was “all going in the trash anyways.”

His house was like the aftermath of a hurricane…evidence of my mom’s hoarding left behind in all the corners of the home.

I’m was not sure if I even want the dishes now, it is a reminder of once was, but my dad…brought it up four flights of stairs one Saturday, after keeping them at his house for the past two years…this was a total act of love…It is 52 steps up…FIFTY TWO….this is love, I must keep them.

The cooler was my grandparents..the only thing I have of theirs that belongs to me, because it was left behind one year and never given back I suppose. The “Coleman 64”

I remember years ago,my grandmother coming over with it filled with ham and goodies for the holidays…when she passed away, the family get together..seemed to stop..or at least they never were as they once were.

We did not know she was such a driving force in the family’s happiness. She was the glue.

Change, death, loss, they all seem to come into your life and disrupt the pattern that was comfortable, that felt..normal. It comes at once and leaves you in the aftermath of how to continue forward, because forward..is now forever changed, different….un glued.

So… now all the awkward places are cleaned up.To me cleaning is therapy..putting things back where they belong, making the dirty clean, folding, scrubbing, organizing..it is the only peace that is left in the almighty’s world. Trying to glue my life..finding the controllable..knowing where everything is…and…well honestly..to not have anything left behind in the corners of my home..hmmmm.

It is a bit sick as I find it odd that I took a mop to my front porch today…who does that…?!

While…mopping….the front porch,(who does that) ... I contemplated getting a welcome mat.

...but laughed at myself in the store thinking it should really say “Crazy lives here”..yeah that’s more like it. ..or..”You climbed 52 stairs to get here are you out of your mind?” Even my dog sounds like he needs an asthma inhaler and oxygen mask no when he comes up.

I don’t know what I was thinking when I moved..actually I do, the rent was fifty dollars less a month..which is a lot to me who has not seen child support in two years….but I would now officially sell my body, just so that I could live on the first floor .

Especially on shopping day.

That’s all I got for now J


The Almighty Heidi


I am Mom

I loved you before I even knew you.
I rubbed my belly
wondering who you were.

I was there waiting.

I know your dad has disappeared
in the times where you really needed him.

Your innocence,


and dissapointment..

but I will show up.

I will make sure you don't live without.
You will have a roof over your head
food, and clothes on your back

to keep you safe

I might work alot,

but I will always show up when you need me.

I will be there to hold your hand when your first love breaks your heart
with a gallon of ice cream and tissues and tenderness.

When you are hurt I will find a band aid
and when there is not one big enough for the ache you feel inside,

even though you want to put up walls of armor,

to protect,

from all the monsters...

not behind the closet but

from within yourself

the voices of doubt

that replays itself

over and over in your mind,

makng you feel like less than

but I know you are more.

the world is not right

and everything seems so wrong...

I will show up
to help you through.

If you mess up along the way,
life hands you things that you can't be ready for

I will be there.

When you take a wrong turn
I will show you how tough love can be,

and wait for you,

though it hurts to my core

to come back,
and when you are ready,

I will be right here..

because I am your Mom.

Although it has not always been good and perfect,
I am waiting for you
to find out who you really are,
knowing that

I loved you before I knew you.

~Almighty Heidi Momma