Troubled Mind

I have heard from a friend that they are jones-ing for the latest adventures of the Almighty Heidi. I have been a slacker this week, I will admit.

I think with all the junk that I have been going through, my subconcious is trying to make it all better, or make sense out of it, and the emotions, so I have been vividly dreaming every night like CRAZY.

So here is what goes on in this troubled mind this past week:

Dream 1: I had a dream again about marriage. *sheesh* the last thing that I REALLY want to think about. In this dream I was wearing this big old rock but it was a flat diamond, very odd, and not flattering. However I was so proud of it and showing everyone.

Dream 2: Sex dream..soo not gonna share this one :o)..but it was deliciously naughty.
Bow chickie wow wow.

Dream 3:I dreamed of moving into my new apartment, and it was off of a lake. The breeze was blowing and it was very calming. This is so me because I have always lived near the water, I love it. The rent was decent, and when I looked out the window, across Lake Orienta was my good friends house.
This dream was just peace..moving out meant peace.

Dream4: I went to the hospital with Kayla and we were going to pain management. The doctor was a very strange looking redhead, whom I swore I knew from the past, but could not put my thumb on it. This doctor assured us he would help Kayla, and said all the right things for my daughter.
This dream is what im hoping for, that someone would just fix my daughters back so she is not in pain.

Dream 5: My mom left to meet her boyfriend in KC. My dad was at work and I was off that day. I got a call that he died. My brother was flying back home from Japan, and my mother came home. The house was in shambles that her and my dad owned, and she told me that since she left it was my responsibility to fix it up, and come over every day to take care of the cats. I was LIVID, and told her, you makde the mess, YOU clean it up. then she said "See it was all in gods plan that me and John are together" making it a good point that my father had passed. At this point I got physically violent with her.

I think this dream was self explanitory as my mom has made the mess out of leaving my father, so she needs to clean it up, and its not my job. :)

Latte' from the mind of the Almighty.


Day Dreaming....

“Mom my glasses broke” I hear these words once a year from my son. He has to wear them religiously as he is blind without them. He went to school, and I know he can’t see a damn thing. So Today, I’m gonna go get him glasses, or contacts, and just trust the universe somehow that I will have enough money at the end of the month. I have been stressed about money, B has held back a lot, and all last night in dreamland, I was stressing. So today, I’m just going to let go and see what happens.

Meanwhile, sooner or later Mom needs her glasses replaced as well.

My old buddy Winston got them off the table and used them as a chew toy….I wanted to cry. So I have been living in vision hell as well. Fucking dog..He’s lucky he is cute.

I wonder what it’s like to be single..with no kids..no dogs…it must be strange. I have had responsibility since..well Kayla when I was 17. I honestly think
it must be strange..what would you do with that “Free time” and not to mention money?
Ok, ok I just woke up out of that dream..maybe in my next life I will be selfishly single and alone…but that’s not good either…that is awful lonely..but it does sound..good…
Ok..now I’m just rambling..I really don’t have a point to this blog…




My Dream

I had a dream last night that was so vivid. And I have so many twisted emotions about marriage and relationships..well I'm trying to see what the universe is trying to show me here...

I was a bride, but I looked down at my gown and realized I had on Orange Silk (I do not like orange, but this was pretty). Then I caught my reflection in a window and realized that I was Indian.(not american indian, but from India). exotic,very pretty (and thin).

I knew I was getting married, but we were at a large hotel and I could not remember which room it was in. My friend asked a woman who worked there, and says…"Oh you are with the ROYAL wedding”, and pointed me in the direction I was supposed to go. When she said that, just then I remember I came from “Royal blood” Cool I thought, this is going to be a kick butt wedding .

Before I entered the area where I was to get married, a woman and a man approached me and said “Here it is tradition that you wear this” What was strange about this, is even though I was Indian I did not know the traditions? Funny.

Even more unsettling was this was a live lizard about 5 inches long that had a mean set of teeth known for biting peoples faces, and tearing them to shreds. I was like heck no. She then said “Wear this flower, (which looked like a miniature hibiscus), and he won’t bother you.” I really wanted to get married so I put on the flower, and sure enough the lizard buried his face in the flower, and went to sleep.

I went down the isle, and had a ceremony. There was something important in the ceremony but I can’t remember it now.

I remember that I was disappointed, because royalty should have real flowers, and there were silk ones..eww.

Then, instead of you may kiss the bride, the ceremony went into like a part two. All of a sudden, my bridesmaids lifted the orange wrap off me, and underneath it was an off white, whitish cream color beautiful dress.

Then I realized the dragon lizard ho was supposed to bite by face off had disappeared.
I had to walk down a winding isle..it was an isle that lead to an outdoor place where the ceremony would finish up. Here there were real flowers. This isle was for the bride, and I was getting ticked off, being in a hotel, these tourists kept walking opposite in direction of me in the same isle. Most of them were ignorant to the ceremony going on. Finally the hotel staff blocked off the isle, and all was well again.

Then an old wise woman (like a medicine woman) of the “tribe” came to me and had me close my eyes. She pressed on each one one at a time with this small tube (like a chapstick tube) and says “Oh yes, she does not have much self esteem does she” and then she went to my soon to be spouse did the same thing, and she had the same issues. She said, it is ok, we will work on that.

Then she took my hand and looked, and said..ahh..the three bones, and rubbed her index finger between the finger bones in the top of my hand, and said.."Oh she has good Karma” and did the same to my soon to be spouse and said “Ohh they has good karma too”
Our hands were bound, and I did this dance, and then my hands were bound to his, we kissed, and then the little red dot was put on my forehead. It was done..then I woke up.

Any Insights?



Remembering To Breathe

Today is a lazy saturday...so nice to take a break of the everyday and just be. Not to think too much, analize anything..just enjoy the moment that you have been blessed with. It really is my spirit just taking a looonnggg deeeppp brreeaatthh. I feel like I have needed that for a long time. Since starting my workouts of a full time basis, days seem to be a bit longer, and work has been a bit harder. So tonight I sit...with the pugs in my lap giving me uncoditional love, a glass of wine..favorite fuzzy socks, and my down comforter remembering to breathe.

I have been watching my father in his process of my mom leaving. He is trying to figure out after 40 years who he is without her. I see the strength start to build everyday. To start facing the pain, maybe even embracing it a bit, and learning that he can indeed move forward. Funny how looking through family photos..things just dont stay the same..granparents pass on, we grow older, our parents age, my children keep on growing..no picture ever stays the same. Change will happen. I have fought against it. Maybe I need to embrace...change and quit fighting with it all the time...moving forward is better than backwards.

Manwhile I am thinking about posting a curb alert on Craigs list: "Three teenagers, take one, take all" they have just had too much time together lately and are on each others last nerve and mine.



Confessions of The Aliens In MY Brain

Ok, you know when you start out a relationship..and the you and the other person put on the nice face. The one that is trying to impress the other person? I have been guilty of this, getting my nails done, doing the little extra. But as a person coming out of a relationship..it is a little frightning to think about the whole thing again.

So I thought I would do my annual male bashing, just to help the sisters in need out...to help see through the bs.

1. If he has lipstick on his collar that is not your color, it did not come from you, therefore he either has another woman, or his transvestite lover left his/her mark.

2. Just because a man is tall or has big feet, hands, or whatever..does not mean that he has a big penis...trust me on this one.

3. If a man has better manicured nails than you do, he will more than likely have more hair and skin products making him a metrosexual. Not nessasarily gay..just into himself, and his bathroom time. ..

4. Porn...if he has it, he loves it...and watches it...all the time.

5. If you see white rope on his bed posts by the headboard, you are not the first girl he's tied and got kinky with..

6. If he has issues saying I love you, and shortens it to "Too" or "Me Too" when you talk to him, he will always have issues.

7. Ok..seriously just heard this from a girlfriend..if he is TEXTING while bow chickie wow wow-ing...umm girl you need to throw his ass off the bed!!!

8. If they get a call and tell you "Be quiet for a sec, it's my wife" (this happened to me about 10 years ago)... It;s time to go. ( I had noooo idea).

9. Never let a man degrade you in private OR public.

10. Never settle.




The Moon Around The Planets

Today on the haircast the news said it would be another good one, they lied. I have a butch lesbian hairstylist whom I love, who chopped off the hair I was trying to grow...nothing to fix that..not even duct tape and super glue, that fixes everything in the south.

I had a bit of an off day. Not quite sure where it came from. The feeling of being unimportant. I suppose maybe from my dwindling relationship. Not sure why I let it get to me. I wish I cold just leave now. I am a rip it off band-aid kind of girl. This whole thing of having to wait till summer to go, I just feel like I am tearing it off slowly. But it comes down to the almighty dollar.

B went and gambled away all his money the past two weekends leaving me in the poorhouse with the bills. I know he must sense my unhappiness, which has been signifigant since october. Maybe this is his way of coping...that would be his excuse.. That's just plain stupid...and a cop out...oh and selfish.

Without the bill money as promised I am behind on everything and had to get a cash advance from my job. What a low point. My phone is broke, the vaccum is broke, my daughter is broke, my kids need a serious talking to, Michael needs shoes...and sometimes it is a heavy weight to bear by myself....espcially the finiacial part.

This maybe the unimportant feeling. That I am important enough to take care of, that we are important enoughto take care of. I hope to be the first thought in someones mind. WWAHD? (What would almighty heidi do?)

I want to be on the same level as another person, not feeling demeaned, less than, below..i want to be in sync...It made me think of the Moon and the earth..they just do what they are supposed to in their own dance around each other..effortlessly. Now I know that is silly in a relationship..and this white girl cant dance...
Most relationships have some metors, .but some gravitational pull sometimes twoards each other now and then..would be good..being on the same page about stuff....

I want to rip the bandaid...I've used too many bandaids to make it all better. Sometimes there just is not one big enough...



Ohhh and speaking of moons..why oh why must large women wear spandex to the gym...somebody help me here..lord have mercy it is just wrong.



First of all..I added a followers list to my blog..umm I have one..yay me. Thank you All Mighty follower...(ha)

Ok, so I got up this morning, and hated it. I could not find a pot to fit my coffee machine, I should have bought a whole new one…

Sooo picture this…I am standing laying my head on the counter top desperately waiting for the coffee to brew. ??
Two words.Captain Morgan.

I am holding the cup in one hand pressing up on the little thingy that keeps the liquid from coming out when you take the coffee pot away in mid brew…it was a sad sight to see…and since my hair is so short It was standing straight up, and I forgot to wash off my makeup…NOT attractive whatsoever.

I should not have finished off the rest of the Captain Morgan right before my health kick…but I did put it in Pomegranate juice so that counts right??? Right? Well, I felt better about it anyways..Until this morning..at 5 freggin AM, right before my work out. (Smart Heidi really smart)

On another note...

Last night I had a very sad dream about a past friend dying..I hated it because it saddened me so much..and the dream stuck with me throughout the morning. Even though it was not real, I just could not shake it...don't ya hate those!

However, this dream was cool in a sense that it added on from a dream I had years ago that I remembered…
I was able to see all the people who have touched my life..good..the bad..and the ugly, and how it weaved into my own web of me.

Almost like a snowflake, we all have our own webs, fingerprints…lives..life history...our very own story.

I was able to thank those who had touched me, and mourn those who I had lost along the way.

A bit mushy for me, but it truly was cool.

I am sure it was from a mixture alcohol and last nights thoughts.

Before I went to bed I was thinking that my kids were forever intertwined in my life for this one..and the next…I kept seeing the symbol for infinity in my minds eye....all along the path of the symbol was my life's happenings weaved into it.

I like the idea..we all touch each other in some way or another…and a new weave will be made…and if there is such thing as reincarnation, there are so many people that I want to know and love again in the next life…I love the word Infinity…I use it all the time.
"I Love you to Infinity" I tell the kids.

EXCEPT..knowing this Almighty Heidi’s luck I would be stuck with all the people I did not like in this life…noooooooooo bad infinity bad bad bad.

Ohhh sooo deep today.....I might start..chanting or something.... I could start a cult..then maybe then I might have followers.... or maybe I have secret followers..likea secret sect of the Almighty...that makes me almost cool!



Trying To Control Insanity

So I added a bookshelf to my blog..pretty good books I have read recently. I could use some good suggestions to something new to read.

Also when touching up this ol' blog I ended up enabling myself to type in Hindi...wTF? It took me awhile to figure that one out.

So the Almighty Heidi does not normally like change. It comes from a lifetime of moving, going to twelve schools, and just wanting to be invisable, and not rock the boat.
There is so much change in the air lately, I had a pep talk to myself..yes talking to myself, in the car, saying "You are in control of your life"...while looking at myself in the mirror.But am I really?? Seriously fate has a way of stepping in by death, divorce, the unexpected, job loss, job promotion...whatever and fucking the control up, then you have to learn to let go, to regain some of it back..Insanity I tell ya..insanity....and then you end up typing in hindi it fucks you up real good.

Ohhh speaking of insanity..I am getting up, supposedly, according to the aliens, at 5 am for a work out. Reallly...talked myself into it. I'll let you know how that goes.

1. Not enough time in the evenings.
2. Way to tired after work.
3. Stupid head teenage son was still in bed this morning..missing the bus"Oh there was school today??" Umm yeah, I only reminded you 40 times yesterday...the new x box must go, and I feel the urge to wake him up, id I indeed wake up at 5 am, with my big lobster pot filled with icewater.

Number 3 is really worth it (evil grin).

BUT....I hate mornings....and my stupid head son..same one that did not wake up..accidently broke my coffee pot this evening.....this is not looking good so far..no coffee...no brain...no cognative thinking...ummm..oy?

Oh One more "strike" from the teenage son..and I might send him to a little town that speaks hindi.

Wo ha ha ha "

I am in control, I am in control"


Almighty Heidi


Talking With The Aliens In My Brain

I had a good friend tell me today..."You do talk to yourself...alot". Ok so I KNOW i talk to myself..but alot??

After thinking to myself, then actually catching me speaking..to the only person in the room..myself..I realized that they were right.

Today at the store for instance. I was in the grocery isle planning dinners for the week.."Hmm yellow rice, white rice, brown rice, I can have it with black beans..maybe with pork chops" OUT freggin LOUD.

There must be a cure. But I think the voices in my head like me talking..to..Them? Ha!

When the blu tooth came out I was absolutly freaked out by a guy in car of me having a passionate conversation..to himself..but it was actually on his phone.

A few weaks ago I was in my car on the way home, sorting through my thoughts and emotions, cursing at myself, then..just making it all better. Then it dawns on me my car windows are not tinted enough for this type of behavior. HA! My boss comments on it all the time as well stating that "Heidi is just in her office....talking to herself"

Well after looking it up online, I am normal...just trying to process life in general. The voices says that is ok too.


Heidi and her little green friends..they say Hi.