My Ten Top Career choices

Browsing around on MSN today I saw the Top 10Career picks for Pisces. I am not much of an astrological sign person, but I did find it amusing.

To give you a round about of the article, it says that us Pisces, are creative and intuitive, and are never on time. (I beg to differ about the time thing). They happen to be very caring and compassionate.

Here are the top 10 choices:

1: Monk/Nun: I thought I was going to fall out of my chair laughing. Not something like a psychologist, or something...A fregging nun. It truly is a prophetic word to my future, as relationships have not been my strong suit, and I did say that If this relationship does not work out, I could became a lesbian or a nun.

2. Ok..brace yourselves, this one is even better.....A 'lighthouse keeper':
What???????? Ok, I am going to post my resume on Monster.Com requesting a job as a lighthouse keeper and see what happens, forget that my son does not know how to sim very well, he'll get over that quick the first time he falls into the shark infested ocean in the middle of nowhere.

3.Psychic: Well this could be fun. I will have my own 800 number, that cost 1.00 per minute.

4.Pharmisist: How boring is this one. However, I could get my hands on some hallucinogenic drugs, and this would help me with my psychic job, I think I might be onto something really good here.

5.Bartender: Been there done that...I ws akick ass bartender for a long time.

6.,7.8.9: Religious teacher, filmmaker, photographer, animator: They want me to have a job as a religious teacher. The use of alcohol from becoming a bartender might help. When I am drunk I lover everyone (thus child number 2)...and f there are other drunks around, they love me too. God is love, and love happens to be Captain Morgan. Yo ho ho and a bottle of yum.

Finally 10: After telling me I needed to become a pharmacist or bartender, it ends up with that I need to become....An addictions counselor.


Ok, let me share a few words about that. I could never, ever, become an addictions counselor, after living with an alcoholic, and a drug addict. My "therapy" would be to sent them to most remote part of the face of this earth with nothing..like a suvivor episode, for at least a year. Someplace where there are big gigantic killer bugs, no toilet paper, deodorant, or other human beings for them to make miserable. They would have to hunt and make their own food, and make there own housing.

A year later I would send a plane to pick them up. They will have hopes of coming back to real life. They will be thanking god that they made it through then would let them touch civilized land, create a huge dinner, invite them to sit at the table where they will haveto watch everyone else eat, and become full. Then I would have a few body guards throw them on a plane, and tell them...your not done yet, go back...and make them stay another 3 months, then do it again and again and again, and make life a living hell full of hope so they think "Maybe this time...will be it" and then have shoved back into their faces the bitter reality that it will never end...just as they had done to the families they have lived with before.

Ahhh sweet revenge.

I am ok....really:)


The ever so compassionate Almighty Heidi:)


I Am a Dork

There is no other real way to describe the AlmightyHeidi. I am a dork. My daughter has inherited the gene as well. We may seem real normal on the outside, ...untill you see one of us walk into a wall or trip over our own feet...often.

I have been going to the gym alot lately. I am not sure if it is some sick form of self punishment, but every muscle in my body hurts like hell. By March you have to be "beach worthy"...you have to be able to get back into the bikini you once wore last year, after all the Thanksgiving, christmas, new years, superbowls, and valentine choclate binges....So Feb-March is crunch time...literally...thus the lack of blogging, because I just want to die.

To help myself along in the pain process I decided to pleasure myself, to make it all worth while...no guys..not what your thinking. It is nearing my 29th...ok my 33rd birthday and I have given myself the gift of skin cancer. I got a tanning package, so I can get on the road to being "beach worthy" a little soonner.
Ok, this is where my dorkeyness comes in...so bear with me a bit longer.

The first two visits to the tanning bed I was fine, I did not burn. So a few days ago, I went for the full 15 minutes. I was in my gym clothes and forgot to bring my bathing suit, so all the tan lines could be in the right places. So...I got in the booth naked. My sports bra would leave the tan lines all funny, so screw it. 15 very relaxing minutes go by and I go to the gym. When I get home my daughter says "You look really red mom" I go to the bathroom and sure enough, I am burnt, not bad, but enough.

After some household chores I decide that I want to take a bath, my muscles are really sore now. I start my thousand degree bubble bath, and get in forgetting I am burnt. Not only am I burnt, but because I went naked and my butt has never seen the sun...it and other parts of my body are on fire...and I lower my body into the water. It takes about 20 seconds....then my kids hear "HOLY SHIT OW OW OW " coming out of the bathroom and wonder if they need to call 911. It felt like I put my body in a tub full of acid. That did not go so well.

Today I decide on my quest for spring beauty, I am going to paint my toenails. On the way in to grab my polish, I look in the mirror and decide I must wax my eyebrows to. It is a new wax that I have never used before, but they are all similar. I carefully apply the wax, as not to rip off an entire eyebrow,which I have done in the past. After the wax cools, I say a little prayer, then rip the hairs off in one fast painful swipe. "SON-OF- A BITCH" I yell.

My daughter starts looking up Touretts syndrome on the internet after seeing it on Oprah. She is pretty sure her mother has contracted it.

In the wax kit, as most there is a little lotion bottle inside to soothe whichever part of your body you have waxed. I decide, my face it a bit dry from the tannning so I will apply this aloe type lotion all over my face. About 1o seconds go by, then all of a sudden I can't feel my face, but it has a strange warming sensation. I am not sure if I am having a stroke, or some kind of allergic reaction. I poke at my nose, and I can't feel it. I am freaking out. I look at the bottle and it has aloe and Lidocaine. Lidocaine is used often in medicine for numbing. Feeling relived knowing I will be ok, I then decide to apply it to my very burnt buns...and boobs.

Let me tell you, what an interesting feeling that was. I've decided I could market this stuff on the internet....for some other purposes:)

Have a great weekend.



Aliens are really little green guys

When ever anyone thinks of an alien, they are always a little "green guy". This now solidifies my theory that men...are indeed aliens, and if they have invaded my brain, no wonder I am losing my mind.
Now, seeing as we are nearing valentines day, I, the Almighty Heidi will write about...men...love, and relationships.

Once upon a time there was a little guy....and it is a guy, in a diaper, with a bow shooting people with an arrow in hopes of adjoining two people with true love. Aparently this boy named cupid, must have walked out from the nearest psyciatric facility....in hopes of landing other people in the facility, so that if he did have to go back he would have someone to talk to. We all know love causes madness. However, watch your backs all you single, and sometimes not single, (this is where the cupid guy screws it up) he is still on the loose.

True history lesson:

Valentines day supposedly comes from the time when a roman preist outlawed marraige. (I think they should have kept this law), and a preist was marring couples in secret. It later became a fertility festival.

Here are the tips on having a good relationship:

1. Communication: I read this somewhere and it said to "take the time to know your other half" Well my right side looks exactally like my left, except for the fact that My left foot is strangly bigger than my right.
Now, if they are talking about that someone special, what are you doing with that person, if you don't know who they are? I'm picturing a woman and man in bed, the man rolls over and says.."what is your name again?" this sounds more like a one night stand, but if it happens to be your spouse, or girlfriend, be prepared to be hit upside the head, and all your belongings out on the front lawn.

2. Let this person know you are there one and only lover. You think?? What if all men were honest? " Honey, just so you know, I love you just as much as Linda."

3. Remember to have alone time. Men consider alone time, any sport on tv...which can take up an entire evening. If they do not like hockey, they will watch it to get out of taking out the garbage. Women consider alone time a hot bublebath and a good book. If the man and woman cannot see eye to eye on the likes and dislikes of eachother, there may be years of "alone time" that is given on the couch.

4. Boundaries: Remember to set clear boundaries of what is acceptable and unacceptable in your relationship. We set them, so men can forget them. "Tina told me that you and Ralph went to a strip bar last night"
No sweetie....we went and ate New york strip, and had a drink at the bar" Ladies, you all know they know that we know everything.

If you don't like any of these "relationship tips" I did find a few interesting ones on ..."How to have a good relationship with you veternarian" and also one for the mother in law. I think perhaps these might come in handy seeing as if your man gets out of hand you could go and have him fixed, or send him back to live with his mother.

Ok it's been a rough week, that is all the male bashing i could muster up.

Happy Valentines day.


Expiration Date

I had taken a leave from blogging, not on purpose, I was just to busy doing my son's project, which I hope I get an A on, and trying to catch up on some household chores.

While I am sitting here blogging trying to think of something creative, I notice the expiration date on my water bottle...has expired. How does purified water go "bad"?? I must make some sort of effort to see if my insignificant other has an expiration date on him somewhere as I am sure he has past it.

I noticed on my last blog I made a list of all the things that I like...I forgot to list my kids. Bad mom...bad bad mom.

This week I registered my daughter for high school. Her school is around 4 thousand students. I was more frightened than her. Plus...I remember what I did in high school, thus my graduation pictures 15 years ago, with her in my arms. She was a pretty good kid from the beginning as she made me go into labor during final week. Good girl:) She is very blunt and has a lot of common sense and "street smarts" which I tried to instill in her. For example:

1. Boys are bad, and make you cry because they all cheat.

1a. Boys cause big huge pimples.

2. That other part of his body..The other member...Don't let it near you or you will get pregnant and get AIDS, and big pus filled zits.

3. Kissing causes cancer.

4. Boys are really big green nasty aliens, dressed up as boys.

5. You really don't want your driving permit, as you will crash and die.

6. Drugs and alcohol will make your breasts shrivel up and fall off, and you will have cellulite all over your body.

7. Drug rehab is a scary place full of crazy people, child molesters and murders.

I think this will help her grow into a well rounded fair individual. I wish I knew these things growing up. This is more important than E=MC2 at this point, because what is the use of E=MC2 if you get knocked up, you die, or you end up in drug rehab.

Hope this helped all fellow blogges with teenage girls.