I want to be invisible.

Invisable emotions, hide them away so no one can see.
Not even I, so I cannot feel the raw emotion.

I dont want to be touched.. by you who has hurt me.
If you don't see me,
you cant cause me pain,

if you cant touch me
you wont know who I am inside

quiet whimpers of tears in the night

Leave me alone, let me be
you who have hurt me

watch as I dissappear

I want to push you away
watch as I push

and push me
into myself

hiding like a broken child

and I fade away
choosing not to feel
you are no longer allowed
you have not permission

Only I choose who sees

and suddenly I am blind.

Almighty Heidi


Helping Hand

Well, In case ya did not know from my last posts..but I have had alot of life lately. My hand got second and third degee burns, the third degree on my ring finger...kinda makes me wonder...

My hand got infected, I got real sick, almost had to go to the hospital. I might be looking at some skin grafts and surgery in the future.

I am blessed though, instead of going to the hospital waiting hours to be seen,I went with my intuition to go to my went to my doctors office which I worked a a few years back, and they recently hired a burn unit nurse practiotioner, who knew exactally what to do, and right away.

Iv'e been to the doctor every other day and they continue to take skin off my ring finger and pinkie, peeling some flesh that just hangs there after being blistered..and infected with a greenish yellow ooze.

For a moment..I felt like maybe the universe..god if there is one, was trying to send me a message. My heart just sunk.

Then today, taking the bandages off two other fingers that have healed first..I could feel the new skin. Soft as a baby's...fragile, thin..but new.

The doc says I need to put sunscreen on it, it will easily burn again. I have to be careful, because the skin will break easily..so not to bump or bruise it.

This created a picture in my mind.

The old..skin..me...was burnt away..left in it's place is something new...fragile..something to take care of...being careful not to harm it..taking care of the ring finger which signified my soul, my heart, because it is easily injured..after the burn

So maybe the universe, god if there is one did send me a message.

So here I am left....learning how to take care of my new self.

Almighty Heidi


It's raining at my house

Well..when it rains, it pours. I burned my entire left hand yestereday. Had to go to burn doc. Let me tell you..i cried like a baby it hurt so bad, even with pain killers. At home today and my hand looks like something out of a zombie movie.

Dear Universe,

A break from crazy would be nice. Could use a little extra cash to. I'm a bit exausted from this last month..and would just like to catch a break..just...a break.

Almighty Heidi


Coping Skills

I need to learn new coping skills. Writing is a healthy one, I need to write more..find the time to write more is the issue, but I think..if I really love me, I need to find the time.

For the past several months I have been in a whirlwind of job cuts, moving, ending relationships, and having my daughter get in an accident and have surgery. The last two months, after work I would have a glass of wine, then three, or captain morgan, and lots of it. One glass turned into nice warm buzz.

In my mind I deserved it, but in the end I was just trying to feel better.

When Kay was in the hospital I did not drink for 5 days, and my body was very thankful.

It dawned on me recently that I just don’t want to cope like that anymore.

So now I’m setting back, realizing what a pattern it’s had over the last few months.

I need to make a new pattern. I am at a good place in life now. I want to find other things that bring joy in, stress out.

Then life sends me a test.

A hard lump in my left breast.

Almighty Heidi


Quiet Moments

Update: My daughter is out of the hospital and healing. Right now I am enjoying the quiet moment.

No Tv

Kids are...somewhere...

Dogs are snoring

Life is good.

I've learned I *LOVE* my bed,

Hot showers,

my candelit nights with my tiki torches on the back porch
good, really good food...and my family.

But more than anything....

I am thankful, that my child is not chronically ill.
She has an injury, a bad bad injury, but we are not looking death in the face like so many people in the hospital,

hovering over their children or loved ones,

with worry,stroking their hands
wondering when the last moment might be,
souls in tourment
and clinging onto hope that there will be many moments more.

I don't know how a parent can go through it. How to wake up every day like that. How deep deep down to your core you would have to go, and even maybe somewhere so spiritually outside of yourself to find that kind of strength.

After Kayla was wheeled away..I bawled like a baby, and wanted to curl up in a fetal position in the nearest corner...

I wanted to run in the surgical room for one more hug and kiss..

just in case..something went wrong, and it was her last moment,

but yet hoping and having faith for many moments more.


Almighty Heidi


Daughter in the hospital

So Friday I took Kayla to the ER, she was done with the pain she's had since October. She is recovering from back surgery and should be out around Tuesday. I will stay with her till this is over. It is hard seeing your child in pain, and you can't kiss it and make it all better.

Say a little prayer for her.

Almighty Heidi