"There comes that mysterious meeting in life when someone acknowledges who we are and what we can be, igniting the circuits of our highest potential."

-Rusty Berkus

Today, I am pissed. In my office it is a golden rule that the reps go to lunch with the higher ups and bring back food for the ones lower on the chain. For the second time they have forgotten the lower downs that bust their ass for the company. Also today I finally get a filing cabinet that I have had to beg for, only because they happened to find one in the warehouse. The last few months I have brought in money that they otherwise would have not had. So instead of asking for appreciation I will ask for a raise.

I did looked up the meaning of "raise" to ponder how I would go about getting one, and make my points worthy and acceptable of the ever so deserving salary increase. Here is what I found.

Raise: (Verb): Comes from old English meaning more at rear. I think this is just about where I seem to be.

1. To cause or help to a standing position. I could try helping one of my co workers out of their chair, offering them a hand up...but they may look at me funny, but for a raise? ok.

2. Awaken, arouse or stir up. Ummm No. I am one of only 2 females in my work place, and arousing the males around here would be just plain gross. Although I would think considerably how much of a raise I would want. (I think I just threw up in my mouth)

3.To set upright by lifting or building, to place to a higher level of dignity
to get together for a purpose. I did build mighty impressive paperclip tower last week. Really.

4.Grow or cultivate . This one was easy. I do have a nasty habit of forgetting to wash out coffe cups, and leave them in my cubicle, untill one day I grap one and find a thick fuzzy layer of mold and fungus on top. This is a gift.

5. To give rise to; provoke. I am hoping that the "give rise to" doesn't apply to #2.

6. to bring up for consideration style. Duh, that's what I am trying to do here.

7. Increase in strength, intensity or pitch. I have invented my own cubicle areobics. My whining for office supplies has grown into a higher pitched annoying nagging sound.

8.to make light and porous. Umm I dunno about this one., but I do have pores if that counts.

9. to cause to ascend. I have an excel spreadsheet that does this for me.

10.to multiply itself a number of times. All women know how to do this.

11. to bring in sight by approaching. Yes, the cubicle does come into sight upon approaching from all angles.

12.to cause (as a blister) to form on the skin. I am not sure about blisters, but I have had monster paper cuts form on the skin. This should count.

13. to increase the nominal value of fraudulently. This would be an example of the VP of the company. He knows all sorts of stuff about fraud.

14. to articulate a sound with the tonge in a higher position. Ok, here goes my articulating I....WANT....A.....RAISE




The Alien Child

I was reading one of my favorite blogs now written by a kid in Chicago: http://thecasualfriday.blogspot.com/ he speaks of his life yet again saved by living inland, and having the threat of being eaten by a shark in Florida on one of his "highlights"Which brings me to my next blogging adventure,

When a man has pity on all living creatures then only is he noble.The Buddha (6th cent BCE).

My son was "double dog dared" in summer camp to eat an ant. In Florida, it is not just an ant. We have the meanest biggest horrible fire ants that god could possibly create. He was also offered 5 dollars so of course he had to accept the dare, and the money.
Needless to say the ant bit him hard on the tongue and my son suffered some excruciating pain of Friday. It is now Monday and his tongue still burns.
Would I have done this...Umm...yeah, seeing as Becky across the street in third grade dared me to stick my tongue to her freezer door and I ripped off three layers of skin.

Also in Florida we do have big giant gators which rule the ponds and lakes. People water ski regularly here...I tried once, and a fish brushed across my leg and I screemed bloody murder to get out of the water, swearing it was a 20 ft. Gator coming to eat me for lunch. NEVER AGAIN!

I do not have pity on the living creatures in Florida. We have the biggest cockroaches known to the living man. We have mosquitoes that pass on viruses, and sharks that love dangling legs on boogie boards.

If you can fathom this, Florida ia a great place to live regardless. Just have a big can of RAID handy!


"The Mothership" speaks out

I got this idea from another blog I visited. There is no creativity left in my body whatsoever today, so, I will breakdown the weeks highlights.
But first as always the quote of the day, which idea I stole from my brothers blog.

"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."
Oscar Wilde

1. Started and ended a diet this week. Check out the new link.

2. I blame the diet not working on my job. The short staffed crazyness going on has left me contemplating starting a crack habit, drinking very heavily, or lying under the fetal position underneath my desk, but again as in my earlier blog I looked under the desk and saw that my toenails needed to be painted and that moment passsed. It is a good thing my cubicle is padded, all I need is a straight jacket to match.

3. I played poker with Tommy, he is an old friend of B's, who is about 70. He is always trying to touch me inappropriatly, and lets me know that he does not "get any" and he enjoys porn. OH MY GOD.

4.After having a horrible work week, I decide I will go to get my hair cut and colored. I desrve it. So I go to see "Tim" again who is a short chineese guy, who gets out his ginsu knives and ...chop chop chop...wahhhhhh, it's done. My hair is supposed to be dark brown, and it is jet black. I wante an inch off, he took three. It took me 6 months to grow out, I was feeling really sexy before, now...there are no words, which lead me to the big bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream, and Kleenex. The ultimate sad thing is B did not even notice. I suppose that is a good thing, but sometimes I must hit the man over the head to get any attention.

5. B invites me to back and play poker, I am mad he did not notice the hair, and I don't feel like being felt up by the old guy.

6. I never do paint my toenails

7. We have had a frog living in our toilet for the past year, since the hurricaines. I heard him come through the pipes, and he made himself a new pond. As of late he has made himself friendly and is on the shower curtain as I shower each morning. Why you ask "Havent we just gotten rid of the frog??" Well, we let him go once and he made his way back into our home. I think he likes watching me shower, it is the closest to male attention I have recived in a long time. I bet he would have noticed the hair color. He sits on the counter every evening as I brush my teeth, and get ready for work in the morning. It is the strangest thing, and please don't ask me what he eats, he does, after all live in a toilet.

I told him last night he must go back to his frog friends. Living in a toilet is no place for him. So we gather him up and take him outside, where he refuses to leave the tupperware bowl we have put him in.
This morning he was gone. I suppose he was the closest thing to a pet we have ever had. Although my daughter refuses to let me kill a daddy long legs she has in the corner of her room. She calls it "Phil"

8. Kayla is gone to her dads this weekend. "Phil" may have a tragic accident.

9. I ran my first red light.

10. I really want B to call my work tommorrow to tell them that "Yes, she has been abducted by aliens" so I can go lie on the beach somewhere in peaceful solitude..but I don't think they will buy it.




The "other" planets

I have several Alien planets whch I frequent quite often, one of which is my work. I have written about it in previous posts.

People who never get carried away should be.
- Malcolm Forbes

I have not said anything to negative about the big boss lately King Charles as he has really not been a Royal pain at all lately. He has his moments, but truly nothing to entertaining to write about.
I however have become my own worst enemy. Here are my stories.

There is a co-worker who calls up changing his voice to pull jokes on me all the time on the phone. The other morning I get a strange phone call. I answer. "Blah Blah Blah this is Heidi how can I help you??" It is 8 o'clock in the freggin morning and the phones have started up in full force, the coffee that tastes like stale hose water has not yet brewed. "Uh...yeah, I need you to get my ..uh...TV" It was odd the way he put eveything into words so being in the service department I ask..."Sir is it..uhh..broke?" And he says "You don't know who this is do you?!!" and for that instant I thought it was my co-worker "You JERK your such an As..." But before I could spit the obscenity fully out of my mouth he says "This is Mr. Sweeny" "Oh Noo" I think. "I am so fired" I think.

The phone is silent for a moment as I realized I just called a very highly regarded client a Jerk and almost an ass. I apologize over and over explaining that " You see, I have this co-worker...and um sometimes he calls me and plays jokes on me...and umm" He errupts in laughter as he can absolutly feel the pain of my sruggle not to lose my job.

I am by far the queen of workplace mishaps. You think I would learn. I am on the same planet, my work and I get a page that Line 2 is Bruce. Bruce is my other half who calls me once a day to make sure I am not lying in the fetal position under my desk. I answer the phone "Hey honey bunches, how are you doin?" Ok...so in public I would never be caught dead talking all sweet and mushy. So I get a reply..."Ummm, well, uhh, not so good, my dvd player is not functioning??"
Ok, this is not My Bruce but sme other Bruce. He took it well. He did tell me however, that if I were to treat every customer ever so nicely, he was sure that we would get more customers.

Another alien planet about 10 years ago. Longhorn steaks. I was waitressing. I had just had my son and was back to work. A couple was sitting in my "section" whe I notice the girl after her meal was gently rubbing her round belly, like I did when I was pregant with my son.. I want to share "baby stories" so I open the conversation ever so sweetly saying "Awww, when are you due?" she says "what" so i think she didn't catch me. "How far along are you 5 1/2 6 months?? I just had a baby myself"
Silence. Then I know I commited the unpardonable sin. I am Sooo dead. Her boyfreind errupts in loud laughter. She gives me "the look".
"OH MY GOD" I think. then "OH MY GOD" I think again. I need to run...fast.

In the end they leave the table and he comes back to leave me a really BIG tip.


Aliens have invaded the family

"If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers." ~Edgar W. Howe

I have pondered men in this whole blogging areana, and it is such an interesting subject so I will BLOG on. Today I was thinking about my sons, and how diffrent they are. Nathan was born a little serious man. He quietly took in everything around him, until one day, it all changed. I was trying to nail down the change, and I came up with it..it is so simple. I took my son to see his pediatrician at 10 days old for the dreaded, horrible procedure a man can ever endure. Circumsision. I think what inclines us to do such a thing to a newborn. It must be the aliens:)For me I guess it wasn't such a religious thing, but I felt bad for the boy. What life would be like...with an uncircumsized penis?? That in itself looks like an alien attachment. It just ain't right looking.
The pediatrician, a beautiful woman, takes my son. I can hear his screams down the hallway out into the waiting room. I want to run to him, what have I done, I thought. What seems like hours later, he comes back into my arms, and his beautiful tan skin...is pale white. The woman doctor is smiling. Did she feellike she got some sort of payback for all of womankind? He is clammy and he just wants comfort, so he does what any man does...he goes for the breast. He is sobbing still in between eating his lunch, and finally he passes out. From that moment on, I think was the point he became an angry child. Someone had taken away a wee little part of his manhood!

Son #2. I took him in to see his male doctor, same circumstances, and I was more nervous this time. Michael was born screaming and never stopped, so it was no suprise to hear his crying down the hallway. The Doctor hands him over to me, but he seems like he is more agony than my son. The physician was pale with beads of sweat all around his brow. I had never seen him like that, not even when my daughter had swollowed a quarter. There was no panic then...but this...this was amazing. I could tell he just wanted to grab his manhood to make sure it was still there after inflicting pain on another male. Michael turned out fine, but he is a mama's boy. was there not enough pain? Did the physician experience more than the child? Ha!

After that point comes the potty training. The majority of this I was a single mom for my last son. Nathan was "trained" by my x husband. Nathan learned how to aim early. I hold truth to the fact that he became a great baseball, football, basketball player because of it. Michael however was trained by me and I must say, I did a lousy job. He still cannot see to aim in the toilet but all around it. To strenthen my point of earlier...he is a horrible baseball, basketball, football player. He cannot aim. AT ALL.

The anger has bitter roots I think and it has taken Nathan 11 years to calm down. However, just when he has become non agressive...puberty sets in, and the penis becomes...his god. I am no longer allowed to come into his room without knocking. He is so embarrassed for me to see him in a towel after he comes out of the bathroom. The Penis does have it's own security system however. When it is cold or scared or hurt..it hides into it's shell. When it is excited, it stands up and sometimes wags. It sleeps..and most are morning oriented..very happy in the morning. It has it's own brain that even the owner cannot control, in fact, it controls the one wearing it.
So in essence, time has proven to be a false positive of the "calming down" period.

Maybe when he gets older, he wont be so upset. BUT as men age, much like my B, they tend to talk in a frustrating voice to their manhood to "wake up, get with the program" and are in dire embarassment if he it stuck in "secure" mode. This frustration can lead a man to be even more irratable and moody because the feel like their "god" has betrayed them after all of the valuable years together. It no longer controls them, and they can't control it. It just wont listen. The manhood has becoe hard of hearing, and possibly even blind. It no longer wags, looks around for action, or wants to come out and play. It just lies there a little to the left, like a couch potato, much like it's owner. They make little blue pills now to try and put him in the state of his youthful adventures. The owner takes it greedly, knowing that, this...is it.