I am scheduled for surgery tommorrow at 10:10 and will be gone to a resort called Florida Hospital for about 5 days, Ha!

So, I am taking a break, but as soon as I get better, I will be back.





I have come to a point that I cannot live my life in fear. After having a bundle of life experiences, you then have fear then of what could happen, or is going to happend because of a similar experience. It is human nature to say "Ow, I put my hand n the hot stove, I am not going to do that again" So we don't. Or emotions are much the same way.

Well, soon after this "Almighty" Epiphiany, let me tell you what happened.

A. The car broke down
B. I had back surgery that was a bitch
C. 2 days after my surgery, my father goes into the hospital with a heart attack.
D. Our landlord calls and says he is selling the house. Yesterday the realator came by, to put it on the market.
E. Today I find out, the first surgery failed, the disk is out again, and I have to have fusion for an unstable spine.

I want my mommy. Fuck this shit.

(Pardon my language)

How the hell am I going to move afer a spinal fusion...in a really retarded looking back brace? Where am I going to move? Where am I going to find a cute pair of shoes to match my retarded brace, and how am I expected to paint my toenails? These are the most important questions.

So, then I try and go back into some sort of self soothing and tell myself it is all going to be alright, there is a reason for everything, eat chocolate, blah blah blah.That didn't work, so I think again Fuck THIS!! It's time to break out the Captain Morgan.

(Language...I know, i'm just a bit pissed and am having 'a moment' here)

So then I think about it some more.....as it is obsessing my mind. It's like having a baby..you have one baby, it hurts like hell, and you say, wow, I will never do THAT AGAIN. Then, you have too much Captain Morgan, and bam, there's another one on the way. (made myself laugh) The last month you are in a state of panic, remembering the pain of child birth, and it FREAKS YOU OUT.... (male bashing for the day) if you'r a man...you really don't KNOW what pain is, so how can you even empathize?but....

....but this time they say they are going to to permatly affix metal appliances in your back, a long with a cadaver bone...gross, a dead persons bone, and it is going to hurt so much more....oh and did I mention I have to fucking move???? Will I be able to demand a years worth of morphine please?? How bout a hot caban boy to move my stuff...yeah with a little leopard thong and a big......box

Ok so I was going to write about phobias today....and I just vented, I will post about them later, seeing as I will have 4-6 weeks of unpaid time on my hands, I wont even be able to SHOP, along with trying to become a hooker to pay for ...the move....and for the stress spending I am going to do with my friend while very intoxicated and on pain medicine.(No I won't be driving, but I may moon someone, just cause I want to)



Almighty Heidi Finds the Perfect Man

After taking another day off from work..waiting to be fired, I thought about "The Perfect Man" after making a list and reviewing it...my perfect man turned out to be...GAY.

Here are the perks of a gay man.

1. You will always be accesoized perfectly. "Oh honey...those shoes DO NOT match that purse, and what were you thinking when you picked out those earrings??" So he picks out the right ones "Oh you look fabulous darling FAB-U-LOUS"

Think about it ladies, when was the last time you husband said you looked FAB-U-LOUS?

2.Your home will be decorated tastefully, and you won't have to lift a finger.

3. If you go out together, you both can check out the guys.

4. He will love your mother, and his own.

5. If you are sick, you will be well taken care of. "Oh...poor thing, you want som tea...with honey?? I LOVE HONEY..there was this one time with Frank...wand well...honey is just tasty yum yummy"

6.You won't be pressured to have sex.

7. He will always agree that your girlfrineds are bitches when you want him to, plus he just loves the word.

8. He will always be well groomed, and smell great.
Here is the downside, to keep a well balanced debate.

1. Your might catch the influence on your younger son when he is in the living room in his whitie tighties, ans he sings YMCA.

2. You will never be pressred to have sex...or to have sex period.

3. He might love your mother, but your father and brother will be very uncomfortable.

4. The guy you pick out from the club...he brings home.

5. He will always look and smell better than you.

6. He will take twice as much time in the bathroom as you.

I had this epiphany when I was watching queer eye for the straight guy today. Women love gay guys because they make terrific friends, but we can never make them straight. *sigh*

Why do we always want what we can't have. Men...try and be a little more gay for your wives this week. This does not mean redecorating the den into a football wall of fame, or checking out a guys ass...because she will send you to therapy.Try giving her a bubble bath with scented candles and a glass of wine...that's not too hard, and the benifits you will reep from this gesture, will be very benificial to making you feel more like a man again.:)

Almighty Heidi, the relationship specialist...you learn from so many. Ha!


Ahhhh Male Bashing

I have promised a blog on male bashing, honestly I am way overdue.

It is only right that any male reading this blog may suffer severe side effects, that includes, but not limeted to: Extreme ego senstivity, outbursts of anger, anal itching, testosterone imbalances, male brests, penis shrinkge (made myself laugh...remember the Seinfeild episode...shringkinge, it was just shrinkage), and the overwhelming need to drink beer and scratch.

Bumper stickers: If all men are idiots I married their king

All women who strive to be equal to men lack ambition

Few women admit there age, few men act it.

Cats: The other white meat (written on a big redneck truck)

Grow your own dope, plant a man.

Ok, now my favorite...scientific facts about men:

Healthday reports that the germans have come up with a name that basically means takingpleasure in another persons pain, which tends to be be present in only the male brain called: schadenfreude. Basically they hooked males and females up to an MRI. After seeing images of people getting pain (that was presented in the individual was bad an deserved to be punished) the males brain tended to light up in the 'reward areas' of there brain, as if something very good had happened and the womans did not respond in the same way.

This leads me to the sadistic side of men: I am a bad boy...spank me...need I say more about that part without getting completly pornographic. Then, we can go another way in this...the co-worker who alwys takes pleasure in anothers downfall...we have one in our office and he is a male, and looks for a chance for people to fail. Does a man take pleasure when his wife fails...does this bring him some sense of renound pleasure? Hmmmm. I sure hope not because that brings male bashing to a whole other extreme, but we as women, know that men always must be right, thus us being ultimatly wrong.

Fox news recently reported that Autisim might be related to the "extreme' male brain. What they mean by this is the mans ability to analize, and have a low level of empathy. Many children with autism are seen as very emotionless creatures, extremly bright in the thinking processes, and less in the creative. I think most me need to look up Empathy in the dictionary. Here I will help: Empathy: The action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner; also : the capacity for this

I call my middle son 'Rainman" because he just wwont let something go, for instance if it is mentioned that we are going to the movies, he has made up his mind and we are already going. Empathy, is a word most men do not understand unless they are gay. It is a whole diffrent alien language that leaves them uncomfortable and questioning ther manhood., thus, I think all men are autistic.

Male depression tends to be more life threatning in men than women, here are the symptoms to watch for according to the Mayo Clinic:

1. Become Angry and Frustrated (this about covers 100% of the male population on planet earth)

2. Behave violently....(bad male, bad bad male)

3. Take serious risks such as careless driving, or extra-marital affair.
Ok, 98% of men drivelike maniacs, they like to keep in touch with their inner speed demon/fanasy race car driver. And...M-o-N-O-G-A-M-Y. This is another word that does not exsist, or is hard to find in the male dictionary, listed right up there with empathy.

4. Avoid family, friends or avoids pleasurable activity. Ok ladies, what man says honey, lets go see you mom this weekend. I think not. However, if he is no longer taking part of the pleasurable activities with you...see #3.

5. Complains of fatigue. Hmmm..ever heard I'm too tired to take out the trash?? Yup, this is on the edge of suicidal here.

6. Does not enjoy work, loses intrest in hobbies and sex.
Does any one really like their job??If a man is not doing his favorite hobbies..channel surfing, scratching in all the wrong places, eating cheetos, and belching..please stop now and call 911. As far as the sex goes I refer again to #3.

I know this is alot to digest, so I leave you all to contemplate, untill the next male bashing. All comments welcome>

The Almighty Heidi


I dunno

I have been reading some pretty damn amazing blogs lately, and I am getting an inferiority complex. Today I am struggling, I went back to work before I was supposed to, and feel guilty for calling intoday because my back of course hurts. WHY DO WOMEN FEEL GUILTY ABOUT EVERYTHING (and men nothing *male bash of the day*)

Well,I thought I would share with you the mothers day card that I got from my daugter. She has just turned 15, and we are real close. She knows that I had her at 18, and she has such a big heart she can see that it wasn't easy, and never has complained. Plus: I really have no crreative thought in my mind to write about today...nothing, nada, zero, ziltch.

Dear Mom,

Mommy dearest (ok..so we watched the crazy movie mommy dearest with Joan Crawford, and I tease her....and since then she has called me this in public which she knows I cant stand)

I love you and this is your special day besides your birthday. I want to thank you for having giveing birth to me, excluding that other disgusting part that made me (talking about sex) I would not be alive. Thanks fo taking care of me, even though I was a suprise at an ang that should not even be mentioned. Besides that I love you. I live up to you through these years that have passed. We have grown to be best friends. I enjoy that we can still talk and I can tell you anything. Love Kayla.

I am not sure if she had just slammed me, or gave me a really sweet gift:)

We are reallly close, and have an open relationship to talk, hoping like every parent that they do not make the same mistakes that you do, and she told me about her first kiss, on the outside, I nodded my head, and told her how wonderful that must have been, on the inside I am screaming and want to kill the son- of a bitch that kissed my daughter.

T.A.H. : the Almighty Heidi