12/30/2009

2009

The things I have learned in the past year

that in the darkest dark
the stars shine the brightest

That it is ok to let go of toxic relationships
it is nessasary, not greedy, to fill life wth the good things

Ive learned that in order to let the goodness in
I have to take the bricks away from the self made wall of protection
and it's ok to be vulnerable sometimes
because hiding behind the walls
does not allow for healthy relationships
that my innermost desires

I learned that I feel everything from others
pain, sadness, loss deep down
Ive learned that empathy is a gift
but not to lose myself along the way
to learn to observe sometimes
instead of absorbing it all

Ive learned that life does not stand still
just because you hurt to your very core
I must get up in the morning
and breathe, and take the covers from over my head down.

Ive learned there will always be loss pain, sadness, darkness
on our jouneys

Sometimes you gotta scrape your soul off the floor
and move on

and maybe it is designed like this
so we dont stay in the darkness for too long

because by moving on
this is how I grow as human

and then
I can see the stars




Almighty Heidi

Being Present


Well being as it is the new year... it is resolution time.

I have a freind who is dying.
Mother of four. Wife, daughter, sister, mother, advocate for rape and domestic viloence victims.

I don't get "god" sometimes.

She has grasped onto life and is going to make it into 2010 against the odds..

In one of her letters to me she said this:


I’ve thought about his a great deal: we often do not fully enjoy the people in our lives. I am talking about belly laughing, hugging, spontaneous “I love being with you” joy that others bring. You have really made a difference in my life joy. My life is better because you are here. Sitting down and really being interested in what makes a person tick.


Sue, you have helped make me a better person.

This year..the resolution..is to BE PRESENT.

I will listen..hug more..love more..and..I will belly laugh..as many times as I possibly can. I will allow joy in...

I will be present.


I love you Sue.


~Almighty Heidi


12/28/2009

Meditate

Daydreams


Thinking of the faraway

Welcoming thoughts

Traveling to the places

that pull me


Blue waters call my name

waves of oxygen

gathering in the light that surrounds me

the accumulation of the years

is quietly released, with each breath


Traveling to the fields

where the flowers

never fail to bloom

breathing in the scent

attracting the ambient light

visions of the future unfold




Climbing the mountains

sipping the cool water from the stream

energizing my soul

light shines through me

Hearing the song

of my own heart

love overflows with each beat



Indulging in thoughts of pleasure

Entertaining the magnificent

the life of where I belong

in my own mind

Desperately seeking

Peace




I am awakened

collpasing into reality

but for a moment comforted

I am reminded of the forever




So I sip my tea




close my eyes




and go back




to where light surrounds me




~Almighty Heidi

12/22/2009

Oh Father


I saw your soul crumble


the untamed force


of pain


Each room in the house holds memories


ripping open the already wounded


her " I miss you" phone calls


pierces your heart


trying to find something of substance in her words


the gravity of past pulling her deeper into the darkness


to the place where she left us all


How can I help make you whole again


picking up the shattered pieces of your life


that sacred place is your own


and you hold the red stained pieces
holding them in your palm carefully
as fragile treasures of the past
desperately trying to make it as it once was


The lingering scent of her perfume


stings his nostrils


I cannot comprehend the love of forty years gone


The image of her burns in your dreams


going beyond reason in your mind


begging her to come home


How do I help you breathe


and I have not the heart to tell you


she will never come.


~Almighty Heidi


12/17/2009

Quench


Stumbling in the desert of my own mind


demons wait

Speaking riddles


I do not understand


I ask you to quench my thirst


And you show me the river


Telling me I am already in a land of plenty


Help me to understand I ask


And you paint me the night sky and say


Have faith


That who you are is enough


and become the person

you all ready are


and I stumble back


into the desert of my own mind.





~Almighty Heidi


12/14/2009

Another...



The past few weeks have been some tough ones. My son is going through a difficult time, he has ocd/anxiety issues, that I finally got him medicated on..and it worsened the symptoms. There are some other family issues as well…and it has made me emotionally worn.


I had a good weekend, but these things lingered in the back of my mind always.


I wish I knew how to fix him…to fix everything…..it’s not like it is when they are little and you can “Kiss it and make it all better”…and I feel utterly helpless.


Work has been just plain ugly. I had a dream last night about the building I work in. There was some kind of earth quake the building crumbled..and my job..was gone…then my own house crumbled..jobless and homeless..great.


Then a restless dream I have had a few times of being in a place and knowing I did not belong there…but not sure how I got there or how to leave….frustrating.

*sigh* even in sleep sometimes there is no peace of mind..I know this is just another phase..another season..another another...


But I know in my heart it will all be ok...and this gets me through..the another..

I believe in the magic this unknown force..that it will be ok..so Im just going to hold onto that for awhile.


Almighty Heidi

12/09/2009

Beautiful Boy

I wish I could free your mind


not quite man
not quite child


from this prision within


for you I prayed


but all the angels music


does not make sense in your head


chords playing out of tune


jagged twisted


even the sun has become dark


oh wounded soul

my beautiful boy


asking the gods

to let it be me instead


where is the key

to set you free


Then you can let the music


speak it's truth


in a language you understand


softly whispering


untangling thoughts
calming the mind
finding the path

I refuse to let you go
I will stay close while your world is falling
go to the place
where the sun shines again



Almighty Heidi



12/03/2009

Where The Trees Whisper My Name


Falling from grace


A place where the world is not friendly


The birds they no longer sing to her

The trees no longer whisper her name

She cannot hear


The wind, it blows through her hair


But she cannot feel


Running away


Calloused heart

catches her breath


Her words are salted wounds


Bubbling up from the place within


Stinging, with each syllable


The empty ache


This unfamiliar self
"This is not who I am"

Leads her back, climbing up to the sky


She falls back into grace


Where in this world, she is not alone

The birds sing to her


The trees whisper her name


And the wind blows through her hair


Honoring herself

Brave heart
catches her breath


Her words are like honey


Radiating from the place within


Soothing with each syllable


Finding herself familiar


in that sacred place


with wings


she had all along


flys into grace



~Almighty Heidi