The Motheship Spinning out of Control

Ok, so I missed a reader, wow, now I feel sort of famous. So this next blog will be dedicated to her. You to for the cost of only $19.99 can have a blog dedication and it will come with a free set of ginsu knives.....ok 9.99 plus tax...oh alright just comment and I will make a freggin dedication to you, unless you are a spammer, or are like a sick-o pervert, in which case I will give you a piece of my mind.

Here is todays dedication: http://thefoamingmoan.blogspot.com/ At first, I'm thinking my god what on earth is a foaming moan?? I am not sure, but I could really use the moan part of it sooner or later. I particulary like her blog because she is a teacher. One of her blogs that caught my eye is titled: "It's Just Too Fucking Early On a Friday Morning". Amen sister. Wow, I never heard a teacher talk like that and I think it's great. Could you imagine growing up going to school wit a teacher like that "Damn-it, I told you to shut up now sit your ass down" We would have fell over in shock. None of this I'm going to stick you in time out crap. Therefore she has made me a fan. Congrats Foaming Moan lady. You get my number one Woman vote.

Ok today we will write about men since that is my number one favorite subject, and it is to complement what the foaming moan had said in hers today.

I have a therory that all boys, will turn out in the end to be a useless man (my number one favorite blog) in one sort or another. They are genetically dispositioned to be this way. For instance...let's use the senses as an example.

Sight: As boys they will go for the fasteset toy car, the biggest piece of candy, and they don't understand what the big deal is if they can't remember the last month they brushed their teeth.
As Men: They will go for the fastest car, the biggest piece of candy...if you know what I'm sayin, and personal hygeine would not be an issue, but if they want "candy" they know they must take a shower sooner or later to get some.

Sound: As boys: Yes they did like the "Wheels on the bus go round and round" and they will repeat it over and over and over again, untill it is stuck in your head for all eternity.They will pretend to sing in their imaginary micropohne which is actually a slimy apple sauce covered spoon.
As Men: If they could make the "wheels on the bus" into a hard rock song they would. They must always have the music loud, and play on their imaginary guitar, keyboard, or pretend hand held microphone which still could have slimy applesauce running down it.

Touch: As boys: Ladies we all know our sons are mama's boys. There is a bond between a mother and son that is unbreakable. When they are little they want to hold your hand always, snuggle,and always want to be in your lap and have the most attetion.
As Men: They forget how to hold hands, or to snuggle. But they always want you to be on their lap, and have the most attention. (Made myself laugh on that one.)

Taste: As boys: They will eat anything and are considered human garbage disposals. If they don't like a particular thing they spit it out and give the most sour face you have ever seen in you life. If you make them eat it, they have a temper tantrum.If they like it they grunt happily wanting more, and eat more untill the little bellys are about to burst.
As men: They will eat anything and are considered human garbage disposals. If you mention to them that they are having something other than meat and potatoes, they are havin curried chicken with a vegtable rice pilaf, and a healthy whear bread and salad....they give you the most sour face you have ever seen and have a temper tantrum. If they like the meal they will grunt happily wanting more, only to land on the couch, with one hand in the pants laying on the couch with an over extended belly.

Smell:As boys: They sincerly dont know why they can't wear something out of the laundry bin that has been there 8 days underneath wet towels. Their feet will ever constantly stink and thi oder might float out of thier room into the hallway untill you say "My god what is that smell" it really smells like something died. That however does not come from just shoes alone mind you. The other son, and eldest male of the household decided to have a burping and farting contest while playing x box. These are the times that try womens souls, and you have to decide if you are going to grab the car keys and drive to Montanta never coming home again. When you get the french vanilla room spray out, the man species turns their noses up, wondering what that smell is in disgust.
As Men: They complain they have no clean clothes, but what they have not figured out yet is that you are on strike. They grab what ever shirt they can find it, sniff it and put it on. Then you find him with the children trying to burp the alphabet, and any bodily noise the louder it is, the more proud
they are.

Gotta run..



Ahhh Sunday Mornings.

This post is in honor of my only other reader that I am aware of in the blogging world. I find it my duty to honor a married man that cooks, so if he is married and not gay...a straight man that cooks... He should get like a medal from the president or something for that. In the world of women he is our hero. Although the last blog he talks about cooking oysters and seafood makes me want to hurl. But hey, thats not his fault that the world likes these ugly shells filled with snot:)

Every Sunday I do my own cooking for the family. It is to overcome my giuilt for not cooking alot of big meals during the week, and tossing them a pop tart on the way out the door. This Sunday it was what my kids call "bubble eggs" which are eggs over easy, which I think are gross with the yellow stuff (another snot factor) oozing out the middles, but the kids love em. Then I diced some potatoes with onions, and fried them up nice and crisp. The finally was these sausages I got at the store yesterday. This is great tactics on the manufacturers part. There are old people all over the store handing out samples. They give you these big puppy dog eyes, like this is their job, and if they don't give me the sample, they will lose their job, and the supplement they get to the little tiny social security check, thus they will not have enough to eat, or pay for thier way over expensive (that pisses me off, perscription companies are going to hell) medicines and they will die if they can't give me the sample. Works every time. I eat the sausage sample, and BAM there it is. She tells me they are only 3.99 and here is a coupon for the checkout. So now I have sausages. They had artichoke and garlic, or sundried tomato, apple and cinnomin sausages, kinda whacky but actually quite good. I got the sundried tomato hoping my son wouldn't question why the sausges have weird stuff in them. Then of course I had to make a sausage gravy to make it the ultimate heart attack special, along with the super premiuimm, jump start your heart coffee, if you do have a heart attack.

Tommorrow is halloween and we will have 42 pounds of candy brought home by the kids. Nathan is this cool phantom with eyes glowing out underneath a black hood and body, Michael has a black smock as well but with a skeleton face with blood streaming down it, really gross but "awesome". He has a pump that he carries and every time he squeezes it it looks like blood is going over the face. Kayla could is a goth prom queen. We have different colors to streak her hair, which she thinks is the coolest thing. I sure do miss those days.

My boys had a sparring contest of wits today. "Your retarded" Mike says, Nate replies "your retarder" Mike comes back with your retardest" Nathan ends it "Your retarded to infinity" Well that cleared up alot of things for me, I know for sure that they are both retarded.



Whats Wrong With This Alien World????

Things I have noticed that are just wrong:

Nose rings

Nipple rings

Any ring hanginig off the body other than the earlobes

I have one foot bigger than the other. One is 8 1/2 one is 9

Oh quick story because this is just wrong: My son who is 10, has told me that he is in pain, it feels like "jackhammers" are attacking his "balls" I take him to the Dr, where they do a urinalysis, which I foulnd out today was ok, and for them that was the end of that. how would they like to feel like he does. He is having trouble peeing there is something wrong. My mom (who has been my saviour) takes him to the Dr. for the second time this week for me. After Michaels appointment he calls me on the cell and says "Mom there gonna take it off an put on a 'baginer" so I can pee better." He's kidding of course, but just because he thinks that way...is just wrong.

Cancelling an appointment , omnly for them to call me today to confirm on a message machine that I am still on the schedule.

Stupid people.

At the end of the month and not being able to pay the bills.

Credit card fees


Having to buy a winter coat in Florida

Email Viruses

Demon possesed x husbands...seriously one is really scary.

People shopping at Wal-mart

Broken dishwashers.

Getting my brakes fixed three times, only to never have them fixed right so my car sounds like it is farting evrytime I go to stop.

Men that are gay, and cute, that should be on the market for the rest of woman kind.

Nosehair clippers


Any smell coming from any part of the body


Kids math homework...that I don't know how to do, and god knows this, and he is up there laughing watching me try and figure it out : There is a jet plane with red wings traveling north at 500 miles per hour, and a train is going in the opposite direction at 235 miles per hour, and a car, a jaguar, traveling west at 57 and 1/2 mph. The train smashes into the car, the car smashes into a brown dog, the plane runs out of gas, and drops out of the sky. What is the dogs name and how fast was he running.

Today life sucks, but it must go on because I still have one.



What the Aliens Implanted In My Brain

Today I figure we will have a get to know the Almighty Heidi. This was all brought upon by my favorite blogger http://happyandblue2.blogspot.com/

He asked what are you famous for. Imagine my suprise....as if he did not know that I am Captain Markle's (by big brother Mark) side kick...in 1979 we were know as the biggest crimefigters around at 6 and 7 years old. In our pajamas, slippers and capes made from bedsheets we could fight evil doers, with a glance making them form into a statue of ice, and throw grown men to the ground using just one hand. We were famous, ok only to us and the neighbors dog (also named Heidi, and yes when they called her name for food I would instinctivly answer)

Oh the good times....ahhhh.

So all about the famous Almighty Heidi:

1. I was born in Hawaii. My father was in the military, and he was stationed there. When People asked me where I was born, they would say are you Hawaiian? I would lie and say yes when I was little because somehow that gave me the "cool" factor. Speaking of cool: I think being born in a warm climate was an omen. When I lived in Colorodo, it was just too damn cold. It is 47 degrees out in the mornings and evenings here in FLORIDA, and I am frozen. It is pathetic, I know. No mercy from you northerners, I'm sure.

2. I went to 12 diffrent schools growing up. I figure I never really knew how to bond into relationships because I was to shy and afraid everytime we moved, thus this transferred over into my adult life, and I am able to then blame all my disfunctional relationships onto my parents:)

3. I think I have the most amazing singing voice, but only in the shower, otherwise...it's just wrong.

4. I go and get my hair cut anytime I am going through emotional distress, and if I am just pissed I will go and color it. So far I have cut my hair to the shortest it has ever been, and have colored my hair 4 times in the last two months. This however was due to a haircoloring mistake that made strands of my hair...pink. My hair is very dark brown almost black...I am still trying to figure out how dark auburn can become pink. For all then men bloggers here is my psychological evaluation on women and hair....if you watch women closely, you will see I am right.

a. Women who go blonde are wanting male attention, we know all males love blondes. If you are married she is simply screaming for attention. If she is not married..there may be a "ho" factor in there somewhere.
b. any woman who streaks her hair is not nessasarily a ho. Blonde streaks are again for attention, red are for the sultry side of her, however it can also mean.."step away."
c. Hair cut short is a sign of them being pissed off and becoming more independant. We know you like long hair, and when we decide we don't need you anymore...whack there it goes. Mine is short, but I must say....damn I look good.
d. Any haircolor that goes with the natural tones means they are well balanced, happy, and independant.
e. Blue hair is just wrong.

5. I still want to go trick-or treating, I like getting presents on my birthday, and for it to be all about me:) I am selfish that way even though no one would know. But secretly inside I hope I get somethiing really neat-o for my birthday or what ever holiday, and get silently depressed if I don't get anything.

6. I once had a crush on Kevin in the sixth grade, he was hot. Then I saw him a few years later, after I switched schools again, and he was dog ugly. He recognized me, and I pretended like I did not know him, and my name was Jennifer. Yes women learn at an early age to be cruel I suppose.

7. I hate math. I really really hate math. God knows I hate math and he pputs me in a job where I m doing the billing in our department. I don't know what I did to piss him off so bad:)

8. I have an Associates in Science that I do not use, and am still paying on my student loan.

9. I forgot to pay the water bill, then I was baffled why I got a shut off notice.

10. I love my kids even though I think I may have dropped them all on their heads at one time or another.

11. I walk into walls, signs, doors and most non moving objects at least once a week. My parents realized that early on and gave me the nickname of "Grace" I am proud to say that I have passed this gene onto my blonde daughter, thus knowing I have the right child from the hospital. I could ever figure out how I have two blonde children, when their dad and myself, have dark brown hair. Noooo I am not a cheater. Never have been.

12. I have been divorced twice, and am only 32. The first we were married waaayyyy to early 17 &19 and he drank a whole lot and still does, and just decided why have one women, when there are many. The other I met in church thinking wow this is a nice wholesome guy. He went on to college to get a degree for drug and alcohol abuse counseling from a seminary,while relapsing into drugs and alcohol himself after being clean for 10 years. Then he became the spawn of satan and was mean, hateful and all of that.

13. I smoke. Only 3 a day but it is still icky.

14. I Love science. Ask me anything about any smptoms you are having, and I will know what it is.I was meant to be a doctor. I was a nurse for ahile, and...I was just meant to do more, but there was that whole get married when your 17 thing that screwed me up.

15. I was going to write a book about all the strange things in my life that I knew were going to happen before they happened. A strange Psycic ability in a way. Wish I knew the lotto numbers.

16. I hate sticky things.

17. I have a headache behind my left eyeball.

18. I like the smell of Gain and Bounce in my laundry.

19. I may send my middle son to military school for a big swigft kick in the...

20. You ever have that nagging feeling that you were just meant to do more, but dont know what that more is or how to accomplish so you are always seeking for the anwser that you cant seem to find? I know it sounds like 14. It is one in the same but diffrent.

21. I want to be kissed on new years eve.

22. I am the biggest romantic.

23. I think my brother is the smartest person in the universe. He is still my hero.

24. I love my mom and dad. I really dont blame them for #2. My mothere is the eccentric artis who is so entirely overly talented, but the biggest pack rat. My father is quiet, and wise beyond his years.

25. I don't like my job, butthey are flexable with my kid schedule so it is not that bad.

That's it for now.


Almighty Heidi


Hurricaines in the Alien Land


Actually it went quite well, we were not in the direct path, the electric never went out, and we watched movies all day. It went from 87 hot and humid to the low 70's and it will be 49 in the morning. To us floridians, that is just freezing. I know it's pathetic, but were spoiled.

Kayla (My daughter) has crowned herself princess all weekend, and has been wearing a crown, spongebob slippers and a robe. She is 14. It is the funiest site you could see. I had to remember that the queen (Me) can tell a princess to do her chores much like her predecessor Cinderella.

The boys decided that after the majority of the wind, would take there rights as Princes and take off across the golf course gathering stray golf balls for play later on, scarring the wits out of the queen, because we did not know yet if there were any powerlines down, or any dangers lurking from the outside kingdom after the hurricane. The princes were then punished, and put in the rooms, and may be turned into frogs if they ever think about that again.

The King B decided he had enough of the storm and went to play pool all day, while the queen did laundry and was royally pissed. The queen then decided, screw the royal laundry, and drew herself a royal bubble bath and her and the princess then went on to to paint thier royal toes, and eat royal fudge icecream.

There are no real happy endings to such "fairytales", but at leat I enjoyed a blessed day off of work, royalty should not have to work anyways, but then I wake up.

So with too much time off I contemplate the whole meaning of life thing, god, and the whole schheeebang. For a looonnnggg time I belonged to an Assembly of God that I truly loved. Now, I realize that we all go through our own "stuff", but I just felt like it was just too much, and when there was too much, then more came. About 3 years ago I go up to the alter and prayed, laid down my position I had in church and said...enough. I love you god, but I give up. How much can one human be squeezed.

The sad thing was being involved in ministy in a big church, after I left and no-one asked why, or came over to comfort, but one of the pastors was fired after my departure, because of me.

I look back at alot of things and wonder where was the god in that picture, or a million other questions. I've come to despise organized religion, but am saddened because will I ever have answers, or something to fill that part of my heart that is empty?

See what happends when I think to much *sheesh*!!

Ok, will probably delete later.



Do aliens do the dishes?

Every Sunday it has become a tradition for me to cook my kids a biggg sunday morning brunch. the deal is, if they let Mom sleep in, they will sooner or later they will be served upon. This morning was fresh, fluffy, buttery biscuts, scrambled eggs perfectly done, crisp bacon, grits swimming in butter, and the best orange juice made here in town that I am addicted to. Yesterday at the stoe I also bought myself some hardcore coffee tha I love that may have the side effects of growing chest hair, I figure I may be leading my children on to early stages of heart disease!

For 3 weeks I was on strike, no more breakfast for anyone, upset of the lack of care for me as I was in pain, however, after the death of my two friends, I figured that this is one thing I love doing, and they will remember for the rest of their lives, and I can't hold a grudge because my children are acting...well...as children.

My dishwasher and garbage disposal have both decided to no longer cooperate. This was challanging in the beggining as I wouod forget that the garbage disposal was not working and would scrape all the dinner into the sink, only having to dig it out with my hands later. Ick.

This is the one strange thing I cannot figure out, and must take it to therapy. At first, I was pissed that it's bad enough my day isn't long enough and piled with too many things to do, now I have to take am extra 15 minutes to wash and dry the dishes. This morning, washing the dishes and drying them brought about a strange sense of accomplishment.

About 10 years ago, I was able to hang the clothes out on a line in the back yard. Since then, this is a socially unacceptable thing to do, and there are no longer laundry lines made for the back yard. But hanging them and taking them down, and the smell of them so clean...was...good.

Maybe I was born in the wrong era. As a woman I do love having the ability to hold a job, and voice my opinion, however, honestly, if I had a choice in it all...I would rather be a stay at home mom, having time to iron, and keep my house clean the way I want it, being able to go to the kid field trips, and involved in the school. This brings me the truest sense of accomplishment, which I battle in my soul everymorning when I get up for work, and there just isn't enough time t be mom in between, or exaustion takes over.

In todays society if you are married and you don't want your spouse to work, this is now a sacrifice, and not realy an option as the cost of living is increadable. If you are single, well you are just screwed, you have one income and are constatntly thinking, how can I make more money?

Then there are the other moms who I call the "super moms" that I think must be taking some sort of "speed." They are the ones who get up at 5 am and jog for an hour, come home jump in the shower make the kids breakfast, pack the lunches and drop them at school, and don't forget to bring the homemade cupcakes from the night before made for the school party. Then she walks into work smiling does her job for 8 hours, goes home, starts the laundry , helps with the kids homework, starts dinner, does the dishes, helps with little Johnnys science project, while sewing a button back on her sons shirt.

I on the other hand wake up push the coffe button on, curse the morning, tell the kids to make theri own breakfast or they'll be hungry later, drive the kids to school realizing Mchael probably hasn't brushed his teeth in a week, and Oh my god there is a party today, run to the grocery store getting store made cupcakes,walk into work grumbling, and sorry I'm late...again, looking down seeing the big coffee splotch on my white no so ironed shirt, go home and do the rest but tell Nathan, he better do his project on his own if he wants clean clothes and dinner, start the dishes, putting all the food in the disposal that does not work for the 100th time, and then curse the non working dishwasher and kick it, with the kids saying "Ummmm mommy said a curse word" and sewing?? Whats that?

The not so Almighty
Heidi :)



I went to some of my number one favorite sites today....and posted a few witty humerous remaks...so I thought...and my comments were...deleted, NOT ONE ONE SITE BUT TWO.

How does one take this. Should I consider myself banned from the world of fellow bloggers? Should I no longer use humor to comment to the blogging world. I could but the: Your blog is super, or swell blog, or I could become a spammer, but I don't know how to spam, but I know it tates real bad.

I think after getting three teacher phone calls about my son not doing his homework makeing me feel worthless as a mother because I did not know, having an icky headache behind my left eyeball, threatened by a hurricaine, having two friends die in a wreck, and finally to top it all off by being deleted well......maybe I should just call it a week, and go visit the captain...Captain Morgan that is.



Change in Planetary Motion

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. Theother is as though everything is a miracle.
---Albert Einstein

We live in a success driven society. If you want to live the best, you must be the best. The past few months my inner self has been stripped away, saddened, and reformed as it is so easy to get caught up in the sucess driven-ness and forget what really is important.

4 dead, 2 hurt as bike fest opens
Erin Ailworth and Robert Perez
Sentinel Staff Writers
October 20, 2005, 9:53 AM EDT
OSTEEN -- Minutes into the first day of Biketoberfest, three people riding motorcycles lay crumpled and dead early this morning on a darkened road in rural southwest Volusia County.
One wiped out after hitting a dog wandering State Road 415 just north of Deltona. The other two -- one of whom was a passenger on that bike -- had rushed to help the fallen biker when two cars barreled into the group, the Florida Highway Patrol said.
A fourth person was critically injured and later died at Halifax Medical Center in Daytona Beach. A fifth was treated and released.
The horrific chain of events took less than a minute, troopers said early today as they examined the scene by flashlight.
"Welcome to Biketoberfest," an FHP officer at the crash site said grimly.
The chaos began just before midnight Wednesday when a Honda motorcycle heading south on the two-lane road slammed into a shaggy black dog that troopers said had no collar.
A Harley-Davidson believed to be traveling with the Honda bike skidded down the asphalt on its side, and another biker and his female passenger stopped to provide first aid and direct traffic.
The situation turned deadly when two Honda Civics that were following each other from Daytona Beach to Deltona unwittingly plowed into the earlier wreck, killing the 44-year-old Honda motorcycle driver, his 36-year-old wife who had been riding with him and the 47-year-old female passenger from the motorcycle that stopped to help. The driver of the Harley-Davidson was taken to the hospital in critical condition.
The names of the victims were not available this morning, and the names of the two people driving the Civics could not be confirmed.
FHP troopers think the 25-year-old male driver of the first Civic, who had minor injuries, was distracted by the person directing traffic. The 24-year-old female driver of the second Civic was not injured. It was not clear whether her car struck anyone.
Traveling through the heart of Volusia's rural interior, S.R. 415 connects northern Seminole County and the Daytona Beach area. It's an especially popular route during biker events, offering an alternative to Interstate 4. The road is lit only by moonlight and is lined with a few, far-from-the-road homes, as well as heavy brush and trees.
Troopers say many cars and motorcycles far exceed the 55 mph speed limit, but the two Civics were not speeding.

Two people that I knew were killed. Steve and his wife Jackie who were outstanding amazing people, and her father. They leave behind two young children.

Tonight I will hold my children a little longer and tighter, and even with all the difficulties in life, I will embrace the "good parts" and know that in the painful parts, that at least in pain, you know you are still alive.





Ok, so I am bored. So I will talk about none other than me. Feeling much better as of late, thank god. Which brings me to a point. My insignifigant other. I think I have a sign on my forhead that says will marry, or be in a long lasting worthless relationship for several years with you give you the best of me, get nothing in return, then I one day a light will come on and I will dump your sorry ass, and then you wonder why did she do that...what is wrong with her anyways.


Ok so it is a very large sign.

Last month in the agony of my life I hurt my back so bad I could not walk, I have three older children, that will not help out unless you say something. They knew mom was laid up, and could not check out the work they supposedly did soooooo, did they do the chores? No. Would B tell them, do what your mother says? noooo he turns on the baseball game, scratches his nuts and lies down. Then B comes complains he has no clean underwear for work tommorrow, and did I make dinner? I have this pent up resentment and anger that is going to throw me over the top. I shoot him "the glance" and he really does wonder what is wrong with me. I think of all the ways of poisioning his dinner.


I saw this van that says hire me "honey do" it was for handy man work around the home. Then it dawns on me that I should have just "rented" a man all along. My garbage disposal has been broke for months, and now the dishwasher. I figured out how to fix the toilet and two lights, but these two things far surpass my knowledge. He really truely does not know how a screwdriver works. He tried one time. It was my sons birthday and I got a free standing basketball hoop that needed to be put together. I physicaly could not do it. Nathan begs B to pllleeaaasseeee help, so he does. 1 hour goes byy, the two, then I hear this BANG BANG BANG in the garage.This just is not right I think. I go out and he is trying to put a part where it does not belong. I turn the top of the hoop the other way and tell him this is where the screws belong, thus taking away his beloved manhood ego.

It was a good moment for me, not it was a great moment since I am never right ....so it is said.



A dream that came true and freaked me out.

Alot of dreaming as of late. Here is one of my most prophetic ones. It has been a strange gift that pops up here and there throughout my life. I may write more and share more later, but for now this one stands out.

I had an old boyfriend contact me not too long ago. I din't email him back, because as much as I don't like it, I still am in a realationship, one that will soon end because of his gambling addiction, but damn it I am always faithful, no matter what.

That night I had this dream:

He invited me to his beautiful home which was on a lake here in Florida. We talked and he was kissing me, and it felt so gooood to have that attention. After I left, I looked back at his home to find out that it was devestated, the garage was all bashed in and the home looked like it was hit by a hurricaine.His home was ruined.

I woke up and I knew in my gut that he was married, or with someone. I also had a very strong feeling after waking up saw in my head he was expecting a child, I saw a woman pregnant. It was so overwhelming I can't describe it.

I emailed him back, and told him that I felt really uncomfortable, to please not to take it personally, and I told him about the dream. Then at the end, I said the crazy thng is, you have gotten married havent you, and I thought I saw a child.

I was witing for this answer like what in the world are you talking about woman!!

Instead I got: Oh my god.

He emailed me back in awe and wondered what else I saw in his crystal ball. I told him a long harmonius happy life as long as you don't chase after other women who could ruin your home.

Needless to say I felt good that I knew, and I did not hurt someone else, myself or a childs future, as I know that there is a special plan for them all.




Cold Turkey

And I'm not talking about the Turkey after the Canadians Thanksgiving recently!!

Ok this is a learn from my experience moment. After being on painekillers for a month I finnally had a spinal epidural which did wonders for my back. So I quit taking them, and I had none left the day after the epidural anyways.

Day1 cold Turkey: Got a fever, my stomach hurts bad. In my mind I am thinking surley I have must have contracted spinal meningitis from the procedure, I call the doctor and he assures me this is normal.

Day 2: Fell like I have the flu all day

Day 3: Feel like I want to puke all day but can't. Just want to make it through work. Go home, make dinner, and puke. Feeling better that I have puked, the I continue to do so 2 more times. I then think I have an ulcer from all the meds I have been on, it makes perfect sense to me. I take some pepcid, and want my mommy.

Day 4: I feel like Hell and just want to stay in bed, but get up and go to work in a daze. I can't stop sweating. My son does not call me when school gets out. I get home and his backpack is not there, after calling all his friends and searching the neighborhood, am about ready to call the police. I forget my son has Science club after school, and pick him up 2 1/2 hours late.

Day 5: I talk to the medical insurance company on the phone asking them why it is going to cost me $1000.00 for an injection. I ream her out, then go in the bathroom at my work and cry for 1/2 hour just because I'm so petrified of going backinto the state of pain I was in before if I don't get the shot. Then I become the EXorsist child. Every thing is getting on my nerves. "IF ANOTHER FUCKING PERSON STEPS ANOTHER FUCKING FOOT INTO MY OFFICE I WILL KILL THEM, YOU GOT IT??" I yell at my most hated co-worker. I look at a bookeeping statement 10 times. Each time I read it I cannot retain it. It's driving me batty.

I leave the office and go into my car praying and smoking. (That's just all wrong in and of itself) Dear God, WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?? I am like the schizophrenic PMS'd crazed lunatic.

Finnally it Dawns on me, I have an a moment to myself and realized I am not really crazy after all...I am simply going through withdrawls. Ah ha. The light bulb goes off and I have my own Intervention in my car...must get help before I get fired and run over the next person who pisses me off.
My doc was sooooo coool. "Whats up Heidi" he says
"I'm a druggie" I say in return and we both laugh.

So I get some more drugs to help me through the drugs I was on so I don't kill my family. Great.





"A dream that is not interpreted is like a letter that has not been opened." - Talmud

Ok, Just let me clairfy one thing here real quick. I am off the pain meds from my back being hurt. That is Important to note as you will wonder what i am "on" after reading the dream.

So here it is, a glimpse in to Heidi's subconcious:

I dream my painting, and then I paint my dreams. - Vincent van Gogh

I was in a place that was not heaven or eart, an in between.I could not see him, but I felt him. It was warmth. I asked him who his was and he said he was Joseph. My sons middle name is Joseph, and I told him that was weird so I could be making this up, he said no he was my protector, he loves me and he has been with me since I have been born. He was an Angel. His voice had this amazing calming effect that I cannot put into words. Then we had a conversation that went like this:

At one time I heard as a baby that you choose your parents, "Is this true?" I asked. "Yes" he answered. "Why?" "It just is" I knew that this answer was this was exactly what was meant, that is the way it just is. Then I asked "Why have I had so much pain in my life" Again, it "Is". "There is a path" he said. "You must go down your path" "Why" I ask, "Because it is your path, and only your path"

"Do you like being an angel?"I said. "Yes" "Would you rather be something else?" "Yes" he answered, taking me a bit by suprise. "What then?" He said "Human" "Why?" I asked thinking of all human pain verses...being an Angel. He said "Love" Love? I thought "You said that you loved me earlier, how is that then?"He said that "In heaven all is Love, but understanding the love between an man and a woman is hard for us to understand". "Are you going to get into trouble for telling me this? " I said. "Probably" and I smiled, thinking that Angels could get in trouble. "I made you smile" he said embraceing the human emotion.

Then he showed me something: I was on an operating table, having surgery on my injured back. Somehow I already had a vision of what was going to happen so I told the anesthesiologist that something may happen, but it was going to be ok. When I awoke from surgery and I was in recovery I asked the nurse "Do you believe in heaven because I just went there please get a pen and write this down so I don't forget" She hurridly got a pen. I start rambling as if not to forget anything.I went to heaven and there was this immense blue light. I was told this by someone other than Joseph, or more like it was just knowing something. I was told My son Michael was "happiness", my daughter was the "sun" and Nathan my middle child was "the moon" (whatever that means) I asked if I will ever find my own happiness and they said yes.Then I am back with Joseph... Will it be soon? "No" Will my children be ok?" "They have there own Angels, I talk to them, they will be ok."I then saw a vision of millions of people praying to God, and I asked how does he hear my prayers and he said "It IS" and I said how?? He answers "There are some things you can't fathom yet." I just want to say that his voice was so calm and his answers as frustrating as they may seem now...were just enough. Then My dream comes to an end and he gives me a warning. Again, so calm, and I was never afraid.
" You are sick.They will take blood from you in the hospital and be confused. Three motnhs later they will take more blood and you will know you are sick, but you will be ok"
I thanked the nurse for writing it down, as she decides to take blood, and I see in her eyes after this conversation she is saddened, and I know what to say: I tell her that I saw her father and she was wondering if he went to heaven, and he is ok. She wept.

That my friends is the end of the dream.

A dream is an answer to a question we haven't learned to ask.
- Dana Scully

I have not ever been a "Guardian angel" person, with like angels on my desk, or pictures of them around my house, I never really give them a second thought. I belive in heaven, and hell and god, and once I was caught up in the whole church thing before it became like it was a business, while the people inside it themselves were hurting in their own lives so badly, the people around you just put on the "christian smile" and go along their way.No I'm not bitter:) I just don't know where to "go" with religion anymore. But if I do die, and come back to life to tell you all about it I will let you know. I do miss the peaceful calm I had in that dream.

I suppose we have to weigh all this out with the fact that just a few weeks ago I had a dsiturbing dream about Santa's elves being grown men, wearing only green speedos, wings and high heels. I still have not figured that one out.


I feel like one of those Benny Hinn characters this morning as I am not walking with a cane. I feel great after the epidural. If you too would like to be healed I have set up an account in my name that you can send your money to, all credit cards accepted, and you will receive your blessing.

The only thing I will miss about my cane is Kayla, my daughter got me a sticker to put on it that says “I like men with lots of money” Good girl. Her mama’s teaching her right…now if I could just find one….

My back still feels injured and aches, but the crazy down on my knees, I need morphine kind of pain is gone.

I am trying to weasel my way into getting a nice new chair at work, due to my injury of course, leather would be nice:) The chair I sit in, really is a tool of Satan, and every time I turn in it, it sounds like I cut the cheese, It's just wrong. But my blessing of course is I feel almost back to normal..not that I ever really was normal in the head anyways. So to celebrate, my favorite song of the day off Napster is "Feels Good" by the Gorillaz.


Alien War

Forgive me bloggers for I have sinned, it has been over a month since my last entry. Turns out I have herniated 3 disks in my back, and pain has overcome any other feeling, thoughts, or emotions in the last 3 months. I go tommorrow for the first of 3 epidural injections where they stick a freggin needle in my back. OH MY GOD. So I thought I would talk about all sorts of pain.

Pain of the heart:

"There is one pain I often feel that you will never know, it is the absence of you"

Oh the pain of Love. This quote is just me. This quote reminds me of the dream I have of the love I will never find, but still dream of it. The perfect person you have in your mind that meets every emotional and physical need. Just a dream. Pathetic I know. I have watched too many unrealistic love stories. Plus...is it to much to ask that a man put the lid down...is it???

Pain of the body:

"The Pain of the Mind is worse than the body"

Ummm..Ok right now it feels like I have a little alien with razor sharp claws digging into my back, twisting knives into it everytime I sit down, and laughs while he is doing it. This quote...is bullshit.

Pain in general:

"The pain passes, but the beauty remains"

Ummmm, My x husband was a pain, and he's just gotten uglier.

Enduring Pain:

"Endure, and Persist and the pain will go by"

Hellooo, Only with Morphine.

Choice for pain:

"God's love for us is constant and will not diminish, but he cannot rescue us from the painful results that are caused by wrong choices."

All I did was pick up a freggin box the wrong way, bad choice. No love from the man upstairs.