Empty Space

I keep trying to fill the empty spaces of me, but I fill them with stuff that does not last, or is not good for me, or is just a band-aid. I do not know why the empty spaces exist, where they came from, or how to fix them.

Religion, food, love, non-love, alcohol, exercise, whatever..it does not work. The Aliens in my brain are pacing around wandering through this desert not knowing what to do either.

But when I start working on all the junk in my life...it’s like using a dull razor on all the intimate parts!! Who wants to do that?

I read this….

“You learn how to say I was wrong and to forgive people for their own human frailties. You learn to build bridges instead of walls and about the healing power of love as it is expressed through a kind word, a warm smile or a friendly gesture. And, at the same time, you eliminate any relationships that are hurtful or fail to uplift and edify you. You stop working so hard at smoothing things over and setting your needs aside. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right to want or expect certain things. And you learn the importance of communicating your needs with confidence and grace. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that eventually martyrs are burned at the stake. Then you learn to distinguish between guilt, and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that you don’t know all the answers, it’s not your job to save the world and that sometimes you just need to Let Go.”

Oh why is all of that..every word in every sentence so hard to do? Forgive, build bridges, Entitlement..ughhhh

This weekend I will not have the kids. This is me time. Good and bad. I will enjoy the quiet of the house, and having the house stay clean for two days in a row…but then there is time, in my own head...and that is when I start shaving….oooooOOOOoooo.

Speaking of Intimate parts….

My son was recruited by his high school coach after he ran a 5 minute mile in flip flops because he forgot his gym shoes. He starts training next week, but has been going to the gym with me on a regular basis, and is on the teenage diet of eat everything in sight trying to bulk up.

Showering twice a day now, he has real dry skin, so a friend of ours recommended this soap, funny thing was that after Nate got out of the shower, he was like “DUDE it feels like somebody put icy hot on my wanker”

I went into the bathroom and read the soap label… “tea tree oil and eucalyptus oil”

I was in tears….laughing.

The next day after his workout, he showers, comes out…"Mom…I don’t want to smell like sweaty balls, so I had to use my soap..but can you please get me something else,cause my nuts are on fire”

Tears…again….and then I put the soap in Bruce’s shower…*evil grin*

Almighty Heidi


MaQuade said...

Your empty spaces are yours to fill as you choose. You have to REALIZE and KNOW that before you can start though.

Start with the things about yourself that you are (an should be) proud of: Mother, Sister, Friend, Daughter.

Ultimate giver, selfless, supportive...

Intelligent, funny, self sufficient, funny... did I mention friend and funny? :)

You need not clear the clutter to fill those empty spaces- don't even try. Rather, let the filling of those empty spaces begin to crowd out the clutter.

And in those empty spaces... let love in... Start with me.

MaQuade said...

Note to self: Never accept gifts of soap from Almighty Heidi...

Glad to know that your son is comfortable being THAT expressive with you :)

Let us know how b reacts....

AlmightyHeidi said...

Ohh MaQuade my true blue friend and die hard romantic...to let a person in, you have to let down the walls first right?? *Sigh*