4/27/2009

Red Red Wine

This weekend B and I were out at a local pub. I finally got up the courage to speak about whats been going on, hoping maybe to break the unspoken silence...


"You are unhappy arn't you?"


I thought this would lead into a deep conversation..and I would go ahead and admit that I was unhappy too..


"Yeah, I'm unhappy. Last night, I came home and I could not find a fork and there was toothpaste in my sink."


I was stunned. His phone rang and I swirled the red wine around in my glass, watching the tiny peice of cork floating at the top. Not wanting to get the wine on my white shirt, I let the cork be.


When B came home he slammed the drawers and dishwasher last night mad that there was no fork in the drawer...I suppose that evening is when there was toothpaste in his sink...This is what happens if everything is not perfect in the house.


In my head I am screaming whie he is taking a business call.


Im screaming in all the depths of my soul..my pores are on fire with anger...


You are unhappy because of this? This?!!

I want to hit him and lose my mind go crazy, FOR YEARS YEARS I have never been enough. I will never be enough, I will never do enough, and in return you will punish me by not even handing out one tiny morsel of love, or sacrifice, empathy, touch, a kiss, or simple compassion. I will never be thin enough, the kids wont be good enough, we wont clean enough, or bow at your feet enough. You have called me fat, you have said I am ignorant, you have gambled all our money away, you have belittled me and my children, and you sir area a peice of shit.

I Quit.
Your Fired.

He gets off the phone, to take another phone call, and I try swollow my sip of wine, but there is a big ol knot forming in my throat that I am about to choke on because of the rage..I have to get up and go to the bathroom to cry because I dont want him to see that it hurt.

I wipe my eyes, reapply my make up, and watch him for awhile...and then decide to just let it go. It's not time for this conversation yet...

The cork in the wine was keeping my mind calm for a bit, distracted from the conversation I wanted to have. Finally I just let the cork go..then I let b go as well.

To let him go was an empowerment to me of..you can't hurt me anymore...

by me letting you go..you no longer have a place within me that you can harm...


Almighty Heidi

11 comments:

Cat said...

I hear you.

AlmightyHeidi said...

Thank you Cat. (That used to be my nickname..my middle name is Kathleen after my grandmother)

MaQuade said...

"by me letting you go..you no longer have a place within me that you can harm..."

GOOD RIDDANCE YOU SORRY ASS PEICE OF SHIT SONOFABITCH! YOU AREN'T ANYWHERE *NEAR* GOOD ENOUGH, YOU NEVER HAVE BEEN, AND YOU NEVER FUCKING WILL BE!

Sorry... I know it's about you, but it affects me too.

I can't TELL you how MUCH it angers and frusttrates me that he still has the power to hurt you, after ALL OF THAT over ALL OF THOSE YEARS, and all he can think about is a fork and tooth paste.

I'm holding out hope that you truly have empowered yourself and finally realized that it's not HIM letting go, its YOU that's letting HIM go. He gave up LONG ago.

I never will.

Love you!

terri said...

i'm sorry, heidi....
i could feel the pain.

maybe it's more you that has
the power to hurt you.
i don't even know what i mean.
but that's what i felt when i read it.

and maybe you took your power back
right then.

i don't know......
it's all so hard sometimes......

AlmightyHeidi said...

MsQuade, you are angrier than me! I love you too. You have been a good friend...
Ter..I donno..something..just released..and I was ok. A good release..a deep breath...

Sorrow said...

You know i had to read this twice,
because I kept getting stuck on the toothpaste in the sink.
what?
how could that make someone unhappy?
what kinda weirdness makes someone unhappy over toothpaste in the sink?
I have lived in places where i would have been joyful to have a sink.
or even a toothbrush for that matter.
I guess it's perspective, and for what it's worth, I'm glad you didn't swallow the piece of cork.
Now all you have to do is spit out this rotten piece of toothpaste, and begin to breathe.
sigh...

MaQuade said...

Thanks :) I wasn't sure if you'd want to actually leave that comment up or want to delete it- I'd have TOTALLY understood.

And Terri... TERRI!!!

I think YOU get today's Insight award :)

foam said...

man .. that pisses me off ..
send the dipshit my way ...
i know you've been unhappy for a long, long time in this marriage.
i still remember you joking about your expired wedding license.
i wish you all the best and the power to really leave him. and don't believe a darn thing he says about you. some sorry people can only feel power when they belittle other people.

AlmightyHeidi said...

Foam..we never married thank god. He forgot to turn in the certificate.

There is a god.
Sorrow: Toothpaste!! I know...!!!

Shadow said...

good. letting go is hard, frustrating, and a whole bunch of other not so nice things, but in the long run, you'll be the winner.

Sarah Sofia Ganborg said...

this post and the story below are very touching. But you know, one can always do something about it! there are alternative ways of healing cancer, like "natural hygiene" and Hulda R. Clark's books on cancer. If you look under my last post "the lost victims" at the comments of a guy called Jack, he has a positive cancer-story, which he hinks to and which might help you and others as well...
love, sarah sofia