I have alot of old stories up in this old head of mine. This one came to me last night, I had forgotten about it, tucked it away, but really needed the reminder of what has been and still will be.
To get to the end we must go through first...sometimes, like it or not, have times where we just have to walk thru the fire and hope for the best, there is nothing left to do...you "got nothing left"
Im pretty sure I shared in a past blog about having my daughter just a few months after turning 18. After being kicked in the stomach while pregant with my son..I had to go. So I ended up right outside Orlando and have been here ever since.
Now the divorce was another matter. I waited untill my son was born. I did think for just a moment that maybe maybe Ken would come to his senses...but when I went into labor, I was alone, and in pain...did I mention alone...my mom came to the hospital 4 hours later but there was a sense of ultimate resignation. She read a magazine in the corner..while I wans nawing at a blanket in pain. There was alot of stress on my parents end, I get that now, boy do I get that, but I still needed a hand holder...
Ken showed up..drunk..as I was being rolled into the delivery room, and flirted relentlessly with the labor nurse...untill I rumbled in a deep satanic voice..GET OUT.
Later I held my son..alone and cried. I know this was all bad timing, I know I messed up, but I love you, and I want you, and I rocked him till the nurse came to get him, and my hands trembled all night not knowing how or what life was going to be like.
This was one of the many points I knew, it was time for the divorce. The story above is one in it's own..it still makes me tear up alot thinking about it. I waas going to erase it, but it is a part of my journey, and it is sacred regardless of it all.
but it does lead to the story below..
Ken had already filed for divorce in Marion county, but because I had moved to Orange County, I could not apply for legal aid in marion, but because I had not lived long enough in Orange I could not get legal aid there either.
No money for a lawyer...I had to go to a court hearing..alone. I was petrified.
Summons came and I had to go to court...my father went with me, but they would not let him in the room even for moral support.
His lawyer tore me to shreds. Stating I had not let Ken see the children...I had begged him to...I even drove them down just a week after by myself so his parents could see the new baby... and and..and...
I tried to speak, but trying to explain myself, there had been no child support all this time...but what I was saying was hearsay..blah blah blah.
Kens lawyer and the judge started their own law mumbo jumbo session and they became a blur.
All I could do to stop crying was try to focus on the door behind the judge, it was cracked. I could see feet moving back and forth pacing, pausing, pacing again.
I was biting the inside of my cheek..
trying to make the pain I felt inside go somewhere else for awhile..
I did not want to cry..so biting the inside of me cheek the hardest I could ..
watching the feet pacing...
Swallowing down the blood and the big knot in my throat.
I left with a very stern warning and visitation schedule from the judge. I was made out to be..the bad guy?
Ever cry so hard you cant catch your breath?
All my emotions just burst at that moment. I did not know what to do next. I was just emotionally..exausted.
I felt violated
As I was trying to breathe, and wiping my tears and old man entered the room after the hearing was over.
He walked over to me, put his hand on my shoulder as I was looking down.
"Honey..why is it that you do not have an attorney?"
In between sobs I told him the whole story, and he smiles.
Then he takes my hand and says.."You need to come with me" and I swear if that old guy did not shoot a dirty glance at the Judge on the way out.
I looked at his feet..he was the one pacing outside the door.
I collected my belongings, and waived to my dad to follow
We ended up in an office down the street.
"I am an ex judge here in Marion county. I work with the legal aid society, I practacally run it now that im retired, and I am going to take your case, now tell me everything.."
This is one time, I walked on the jagged hot rocks through the fire...and fate smiled...he really really smiled...
After that things were as smooth as butter on the legal end. Life..oh it's always been a struggle but whose isn't. But I needed this reminder this week..sometimes you just gotta walk through the fire...and have a little faith that fate might keep on smiling.
My thoughts on 11/30/2009