11/29/2005

LEAVE ME ALONE

Ok, Thanksgiving went by all ready, integrated with a friends wedding, an anniversary, and my brother in town, it proved to be too much. Sunday night B and I got into a tiff, which then I was fuming all night and got 4 hours sleep. So by Monday, I was exausted, everyone came in from 4 days off, all cheerful wondering how my Thanksgiving weekend was. Just fucking great. So I try and put on this smile, but under the bagged eyes it looked as though I had too much to dring, when really, I was just recovering from life and not alcohol. Then everyone wanted to know what was wrong...and I DON"T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

I will tell you all my favorite thing that got me ready for the most recent tiff with "B"... notice I say tiff. We don't "fight". There are never raised voices, or hands, or anything of that nature.

Here is my ephiny which I think I misspelled:

This is the key that kept my sanity. All three of the guys in my life that I have had serious relationships with have done this. When it comes your turn to talk about what has happened, why you are upset, or hurt or whatever......it will be turned around and made into your fault. If you are not ready, or are just sick of fighting, you will go along with that and apologize...when really you did nothing wrong.

Realtionship #1 Q: Why did you spend the rent money on beer?
A: If you hadn't of made me so mad I wouldn't have.

Relationship Q #2: Why after to years did you go back to drugs, and spend our life savings on it? What could possibly do that.
A: You.

Relationship #3 Q: Why am I not getting any attention anymore.

A: Because it is the way you think of me.

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Now I could take this really really personally and think that I have driven people to drinking, and drugs, but I just know I am not a bitch.

I just don't get it.

But I do get that the greatest cop out a manupulationg man can do is twist it around, get the guilt off his shouders and put it on you. Lord have mercy I am so over that in my life right now. So my last "tiff" I went outside, smoked a ciggerette, and decided to discuss the newest issue. While outside I gave myself a pep talk and said...just watch, somehow, someway, he will twist it, and it will be your fault. There was no way in this current situation that I will not talk about, that this idopathic thing he chose to do could be my fault....but he did it. Sure enough he did it. I sat across from him hiding a smile, because in my mind, I won. It felt alot better than taking the guilt. So I listened to his side, tried telling mine, only for everything to be my fault and went to bed knowing that in a few months after my income taxes, I will soon leave anyways, and this will never be thought of again, and I smiled to myself another time.

I will become the old woman with 12 cats...except the apartment complex I want to move into does not allow animals...but they allow my kids, go figure.

I am not an alcoholic, or a drug abuser, or a gambler, so maybe I just don't fit into their world. I am really thinking about maybe starting a crack habit soon:)

We never plan our lives to be so fucked up, and it really pisses me off, because I just wanted the whole family, home, american dream thing, but that is exactally what it is, a dream and it pisses me off all over again. Oh yeah, I'm cusing. Damn, Shit, son-of a bitch, stuid assholes, Damn. Not pretty is it. I need to go sit in the naughty chair.

Fucked up and Pissed off,


Heidi

5 comments:

schaumi said...

hmmm, blogging can be a great spot to get rid of a lot of frustration....
my spouse knows I blog, but he doesn't know my blog site name. i told him he may not want to know when I feel the need to gripe about him one of these days. I read your mom's comment on your last post, I think. She sounded like a nice mom.

happyandblue2 said...

All men are like that. Except me. I'm perfect..

Champurrado said...

Stuid assholes?

In the movie, Spanglish, Adam Sandler calls the housekeeper a hypocrit in response to her harangueing him about his misdeeds. Rather than put up a false defense, the housekeeper, pauses, realized he's right and apologizes to him.

It illustrates how to fight - or tiff, in your terms. In the heat of altercation it's hard to be honest with yourself. If someone calls you a slob because you never put your dirty dishes in the sink, it may actually be a true statement that requires acknowledgement. You acknowledge it, move in for the reconciliatory hug and move on with your lives.

Instead of retorting with, "well you never empty the bathroom trash car," maybe it would be better to fess up and validate the spouse.

The fact is, neither party wants to be fighting, nor does either party want to "lose" the point, as it were.

Unfortunately, winning the point in an argument often gets you nowhere except a nice cold spot on the couch with a throw pillow and that hideous afghan your mother in law knitted thirty years ago that the dog's been peeing on secretly for 25.

Maybe the useless men can help out here. I'm a crappy tiffer. I am getting faster at recognizing that I'm wrong 90% of the time though. When I get into my 60's I'm hoping to cut down the time.

AlmightyHeidi said...

Oh My god, a man who recognizes....fault..and cooks...it's just...so right, it's wrong:)

Thank you for the words of comfort.

:)

MaQuade said...

My dear Almighty...

It's not a lie or a dream or an illusion. It's a rite of passage; I'll give you that, and one that you've been unfairly denied of thus far- but not for lack of trying your damnedest!

It's a jouney and it takes some of us longer than others. It takes some of us to different places and stops along the way than others (compare your last 19 years to mine).

But I promise you, it's not a dream.

Don't give up :)