I saw this pillow in a pillow in a magazine that made me laugh. It said "Three Wise Men" You must be joking.
I suppose it was perfect timing, because it had me in tears.
Ok, I am ready to talk. I figured the other day when I did not want to talk about "it" I wasn't ready. Imagine if I did....you already saw the cursing. I really don't know if I can go much worse than that. Ok..yeah it could. I could actually pile the kids up, change my name to..Bertha or something obnoxious, and just drive and start all over again.
For weeks I was excited over Thanksgiving. My big brother was coming in town with his new girlfriend, my very good friend was getting married, and B and I had been together for 3 years..or is it 4....well anyways we had always done something very nice on our "anniversary". I have to explain something first...
3..or 4 years ago, "B" and I were "married" so we thought. 5 months later while cleaning out "b"s car I see our marriage certificate....VOID BECAUSE IT WAS NEVER TURNED IN. So thus we are not "married" and that is a good thing. Funny because neither one of us tried to rectify that situation.
Ok, so it was our "anniversary" but not our anniversary. Last year we went to a favorite Italian resturant of mine that is way to expensive, but sooo worth it. I love Italian food. I need an Italian man....*sigh* anyways "B" likes italian too, but I don't think Italian men really do it for him, if ya know what I mean. My point is, we have always celebrated it.
Ok, I have to go back again, so just keep trying to follow along. 2 weeks before my brother comes over, I clean the carpets, dust and scrub everything, because 6 months of being laid up from my back has taken it's toll on my home. Brother and his family don't end up staying with me, after grocery shopping for 9 people, and cleaning like a mad woman. Mark if your reading this...yeah I was mand, but it's ok...really. Then Thanksgiving day..."B" stays in the bedroom all day because he does not like my family.
So of course I was offended, but made the best of it. That evening we go to play pool...and I am ignored all night. The excuse..he is sick and not feeling well. Which..was a lie, he was fine the next day as you will see. That evening we had the ironing board still set up at then end of the bed..I looked at the iron and iagined me "acidnetaly" hitting him over the head with it and laughing.
The following day I shop to find the sexiest dress known to man, great shoes, got the nails done you name it, for the wedding. Very busy day, I have a headache.
Wedding Day: I look soooooooo hot. If I can learn how to post a picture I will put it up on this sie soon."b" does not say a word about it all night, and I am ignored most of the night. This is fairly common as of late, so I should come to expet it, but I actually am feeling very broken.I remind him that the next day is our anniversary, we really should plan something. Then..I just got drunk.
Anniversary day: "B" gets up around 10:30 and leaves for the entire day and goes gambling, and does not come home till 8 at night. I tried calling him the entire day, but he won't pick up his cell phone. The day is gone. He comes home, lays on the couch and in a very not so heartfelt way...sorry he forgot. I was angry and hurt, and about a million other emotions balled up into one. My face looked like a punching bag from crying..the entire day.
We have not been doing that well over the past year. For my birthday I recived nothing, or last Christmas either, but it is expected to gift "b". I am like a little kid and get excited over the holidays, and it is sad because I just hope maybe I will get something...then I don't so it's really just setting myself up for failure.He has a really bad gambling problem, which I could overlook to a degree...if I felt any kind of love coming from any part of him...holding hands, a kiss, anything, but there is nothing. That is frightning that I would overlook any addiction.
My last stich efforts have gone in over the last year, and when it comes time to talk about these things....it is always turned around to be my fault. For some reason.it was my fault for him going out gambling all night, but I just can't accept that. The silly thing is.....if he would have come home...jumped into bed and said babe, I really screwed up..I am so sorry..I would have taken it in a heartbeat, and that is frightning to me. I have again become a pushover, not standing my ground, to avoid conflict. What a pussy.
So, after my broken heart on Sunday, anger management on Monday, chocolate therapy on Tuesday, and contemplation and inner insight on Wednesday it is clear that the time has come to move on. I am better than all of this, and think that I am realdy to be alone with my kids again. My children need a good example to live by so that they in turn can be good mothers and fathers, and this...just isn't it anymore. I think I would rather try by myself and do the best that I can possibly do, than to do what I am doing right now. Besides, I think there is a quota to how much a woman can be hurt, I have exceeded mine. I am just not meant to be married and live happily fucking after. (Almost had a moment there)
There I said it. I read this other saying:
Strong Women. May we know them, may we raise them, may we be them.
I made my own up. "Stupid men make strong (pissed off) women"