3/12/2009

The Black Hole


I am truly blessed when I look at the resiliance of my own spirit. My aunt once told me "Heidi, I dont know how you do it, but you get hit hard, and you just bounce back, where the rest of us just wallow in it for awhile"

But I did wallow..once...

There has been some dark spots in my life. The darkest spot was the one where I had caused the pain to others and myself, and the first and only time out could see no light. I was 16 years old and truly from the bottom of my heart..wanted to die. I wished death, I tasted it, it was in my mind all the time when I was not trying to sleep my life away...In my mind I was worthy of death and just wanted to stop hurting so bad within my own skin.I did try to die, but there was a tinsy tinsy bit of the Almighty left somewhere deep down, and she would not let me do it...even though I had already cut myself to see if it hurt, and it was not so bad..

I wish I knew how to give others the voice...the smallest of faintest whispers that gets through and says..No..wait..stop....

I have never ever felt like that since then, and hope that nobody I love ever does, or has to go through that deep dark black hole utterly alone...that is a dangerous place to be.

No, I know for the almighty this is a really deep blog. I do love to laugh and have a bit of fun, especially when it comes to making fun of people who happen to have a penis. Laughter is the best medicine of all...it shakes off the ugly of life that can get to us.

I have healed from this place, a long time ago, and can look back on it and be ok. I go back every now and then and give the 16 year old Heidi a hug...the one who I see in the picture above.
I read something today that brought back this memory. I am not ashamed of my life, this is just a very small peice of the complexities of me, that made me who I am becoming today.

Latte'

Heidi

3 comments:

foam said...

you really are the almightiest heidi ..
i am glad to know ya these past 3 years in this here cyber world ..
XOXO

AlmightyHeidi said...

Awwww thanks foam...it has been good writing again. I'm glad I met you too!!!!!!!

Rolf said...

I give that sixteen year old girl a hug too. I'm very glad that you are alive and spreading happiness.