Almighty Heidi's Pearls Of Wisdom

Never buy your son a jock strap for little league if you have never bought one before. It will lead to extreme irritation when it is two sizes too small.

Never eat Mexican food THEN go to the gym

You really should not drink all 7 shots offered to you on your birthday

When you do drink all 8 shots there will be pictures surfacing the next day and maybe a video from your “Friends”

Always knock before entering your teenage sons room

When you forget to knock, and he Yells “MOM!!” it’s too late

Before busting out laughing, or wanting to throw up, try and remember what hormones were like at 14

Ambien…never take it accidently during the day at work

Drinking red bull to counteract the effects of ambient at work only gives you heart palpitations and hallucinations.

Never go tanning the day before an important event

When you are getting ready for your best friend’s wedding, a new hair color should not be an option

You are not allowed to burn your best friend’s wedding photos of you looking like a lobster with pink streaks in your hair (supposed to be red)

Never be nice to the weird guy at the end of the bar with the mole. He will stalk you, and you will catch him taking a picture of you with his cell phone. Moley moley moley stalker freak!

If you are talking on speaker phone, you press the off button all the way before talking about the “idiot” that was just on speaker phone.

Before talking all sexy to the person that you think is your man that just called you at work, make sure he is your man and not a customer with the same first name.

Before dirty texting, make sure you entered the correct number.

Some guy named Glenn in Florida really wants to “Hook up” with me now.

Before responding to a text, make sure you respond to the correct conversation. I told my dad “That’s is so hot”

Alcohol, illegal fireworks, and rednecks do not go well together

When the field across the street catches fire, and 911 is called, and the redneck next to you blames it on the next door neighbors..maybe he should see if they are home first.

When your x wife moves in two doors down from you, find the first flight to Japan (Mark).

Ummm yess...this is all me

Latte' Heidi

1 comment:

Lisa said...

yes, yes and yes xx