A few years ago I would have these dreams of yelling in a room full of people, even though they were there, they all went about their business not paying any attention. I would wake up very frustrated.

I have some junk to work through...one of which is when I am hurt...I want to find the nearest hole, curl up, and crawl in it..and be left alone...it's become a learned behavior over the past several years just not to say anything. To avoid the conflict, because B would make me pay for it one way or another...mosty jut by making me miserable, and in any conversation making me feel "Less than" or not worthy, but commenting on my parenting, my lack of whatever, my looks, my horrible job as a partner..whatever. So instead of putting myself up for that...well it was just easier to sweep it all under the rug....I still do it now..just untill I can leave in July....but there is so much unsaid, so many feelings that have just left me wanting to scream...but I can't yet.

I have done the same with my family as well...chose silence.

So It leaves me with this anger...anger is such a vile nasty thing...anger has a face, I have seen it in other people and don't like it, and want to rid myself of it before it festers too much in my soul.It just sits heavily on my chest smirking at me.

I got rid of is some this morning on the elliptical...it felt good. I talked to a friend yesterday, felt even better. Apologized to someone I hurt, that was good too. But I still feel it..lingering, pacing, waiting.

I remember a few years ago, I was in so much pain from my back surgeries. there was no end in sight. Chronic pain is an every day exausting chore. I went to the beach and walked in the moonlight barefoot. A storm was comming so the wind was blowing super hard, you could barely hear the person next to you. Just out of the blue I did it. I let out the loudest scream up to the heavens my soul could possibly give...then fell to my knees letting it know..I GIVE UP, I HURT, I'M TIRED, I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE.

I need another walk on the beach...

Almighty Heidi


MaQuade said...

Beach huh?

So lets go! Let me take you whre you want and need to go! (literally, symbolically AND metaphorically) You say when, and I'll drive. Ipod, music, you, me, a bottle of our favorite wine (much more for you than for me- I'm driving).

Lean back... I've got you.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes I scream in my car.

But barefoot on the beach is a much better place to scream at