It is amazing how one..tiny shift, can upset my entire universe. It sets a ripple effect of questioning everything.
This is what I did last night. Questioned EVERYTHING.
I did not sleep, my post might not be very sane.
There was a movie I recently watched called War in seattle, or Battle in Seattle..something like that. Based on a true story of thousands of protesters, protesting the world trade orginization.
It really moved me.
Anyways, not to go in super detail, but I was really hurt last night. Really really hurt. I am told that it is possibly a misconception of sorts, but my heart can't help what it feels. I don't trust my own judgement anymore...I'm suprised I still have a heart left ..it has been so wounded over the years.
I lie in bed and i was *pissed off* that I had all these silent tears running down my face... I hate crying, I hate feeling weak..a few months ago that would have never happened. I had ALOT of walls up. Fuck walls can be good right? They help guard against pain.
And thats when I heard the chanting.
It makes me laugh right now. In the movie, the protesters chanted in a scene..
"NOBODY IN NOBODY OUT....NOBODY IN NOBODY OUT"
If I dont let anyone in, i dont have to feel. If I don't show myself, if I just stay invisible... this is safe to.
It is a twisted way of thinking, these protective measures. We all have them.
So for today the protesters in my heart are chanting...
I have an immense amount of pent up anger I did not know was there. The Aliens are PISSED. I seriously wish I had a punching bag today. I am not a physical person, but I want to beat the shit outta something.
I am so angry at myself ...
I am angry at my mother
I am Livid in the "B" relationship
amongst other things.
And this..suprises me. "Ms. Dont rock the boat" is fucking ANGRY as hell.
Oh girl..today is a therapist day in overtime sesssion...somebody medicate me please...oh and did I mention I am dieting..I fucking want some chocolate.
Lord have mercy I just read my own blog and it scares even me. I need to find my "Happy place" now.
Angry Almighty Heidi