Tilting of My Planet

It is amazing how one..tiny shift, can upset my entire universe. It sets a ripple effect of questioning everything.

This is what I did last night. Questioned EVERYTHING.

I did not sleep, my post might not be very sane.

There was a movie I recently watched called War in seattle, or Battle in Seattle..something like that. Based on a true story of thousands of protesters, protesting the world trade orginization.

It really moved me.


Anyways, not to go in super detail, but I was really hurt last night. Really really hurt. I am told that it is possibly a misconception of sorts, but my heart can't help what it feels. I don't trust my own judgement anymore...I'm suprised I still have a heart left ..it has been so wounded over the years.

I lie in bed and i was *pissed off* that I had all these silent tears running down my face... I hate crying, I hate feeling weak..a few months ago that would have never happened. I had ALOT of walls up. Fuck walls can be good right? They help guard against pain.

And thats when I heard the chanting.

It makes me laugh right now. In the movie, the protesters chanted in a scene..

If I dont let anyone in, i dont have to feel. If I don't show myself, if I just stay invisible... this is safe to.

It is a twisted way of thinking, these protective measures. We all have them.

So for today the protesters in my heart are chanting...

And then...

I have an immense amount of pent up anger I did not know was there. The Aliens are PISSED. I seriously wish I had a punching bag today. I am not a physical person, but I want to beat the shit outta something.

I am so angry at myself ...
I am angry at my mother
I am Livid in the "B" relationship

amongst other things.

And this..suprises me. "Ms. Dont rock the boat" is fucking ANGRY as hell.

Oh girl..today is a therapist day in overtime sesssion...somebody medicate me please...oh and did I mention I am dieting..I fucking want some chocolate.

Lord have mercy I just read my own blog and it scares even me. I need to find my "Happy place" now.

Angry Almighty Heidi


Lisa said...

sounds like 'something' is working it way out.
which is good becasue then when the crap is gone, there is room for new stuff.
Buy a punching bag and cry as required..its all part of the grieving process xx

AlmightyHeidi said...

I think childbirth was easier!!



Sarah Sofia Ganborg said...

interesting post and I also loved the health-post below!
thanks for becomming a follower. I must however tell you that I have some other blogs where I post more things in English like these two:




well there are more, you should just see what interests you most!

I had originally started off by writing in German, on some other blogs, but that prooved to be a stupid idea, because i don't like these blogs myself... well well, we all learn, don't we?!

Anyway, nice to have found you!
love, sarah sofia