When I was 17 I was pregnant my senior year with my daughter Kayla…my entire senior year. I actually went into labor during finals. It was one of the hardest years of my life. Talk about walking around like the woman in the Scarlett Letter. I did not have “A” on my chest, but a huge belly to remind me, and everyone else.
I wanted to quit school so badly. I could not take the snickers and sneers from fellow students. I was sick the whole pregnancy…and
my mother made me go to church, and those people were the worst condemners of them all. ..like I was a disease,
and if I was around there teens,
they might become pregnant as well.
I’m not sure if it were this, or the pregnancy, but every Sunday I puked in the church bathroom…it was a great escape to be in a small little room with no eyes on me.
But…when I held my little girl for the first time..anything I felt before..well it was all gone. I had a new role, not as shamed outcast teenager..but as proud mom.
My daughter turned 18..and now..well things have come full circle for me. She has grown up to be a strong woman. Not a lot of BS gets by her, and she stands her ground in the midst of adversity. She has been through it all with me during this uphill battle in our lives. I want to share a poem she sent to me. She understands and it still…gets me.
I see you working hard for me
And wonder what it means:
Whether I will do the same
And give up my own dreams
To offer someone else my world,
A stranger from my womb,
And say: Here, take my life,
So you, not I, can bloom.
I often wonder at the depth
Of that cool sacrifice;
I know it can't be "just because,"
Or simply to be nice.
It is so awesome, I can't think
How I could make that choice,
Except I see something in you
That gives my own heart voice.
I see sometimes a happiness
Amid the stressed-out day
That no one else can hope to know
In any other way.
I feel it when you look at me
And understand sometimes
That things I do, I do for two,
And then your hard life shines.
And when I give you grief, I know
That all the bitter pain
Between a mom and growing child
Is simply like the rain
That alternates with sunny days,
Passion without end,
While underneath is more of life
Than we can comprehend.
And then I know, perhaps, why I
Like you might be so moved
To give my life to someone else,
And know that I have loved.
My thoughts on 5/18/2009