5/21/2009

The Sign

I thought I would continue with a few stories of me. They do not deeply affect me as they used to, I had to let go and move on, but perhaps, it might just help someone else.

About the time I became pregnant, my brother joined up in the airforce, and soon thereafter my parents separated. As a 17 year old, I was so young, lost without my brother, and felt great guilt over my parents sepertation..of course this had to be my fault..me being pregnant and all.


So..my options were very limited in life, and at 17..I was married..Kenny was 19.


We lived on very limited money of course, I waitressed; he picked up odd jobs here and there. I would save my money for rent, and hide it in my sock drawer, but he would always find it for beer and party money. When I became “mom” this part of my life ended. I wanted to protect my child…and we butted heads about this often.


With Kenny being so young, his friends thought it great him having his own place to crash..party..break beer bottles on our walls…it infuriated me, especially with a crying child at 2 am with metallica blasting in the next room.


Fights started to now get physical…and I found out I was pregnant..again..


Go figure..you miss two little ol birth control pills…


We were being evicted out of our home so we had to move. Kenny found a small trailer to move into, and I gave him all my tip money. I had enough money left over to fill up the natural gas tank for the heat and stove.

I had worked a 10 hour shift and picked up my daughter at my sister in laws. I was tired, and we still had to unpack.

I came home and the gas was not turned on..the money was gone..along with my secret stash of diaper money. It was already 10 at night and I was exhausted, and burst into tears..and landed on my knees rocking my child in my arms..no heat
no heat...
no heat..I bawled...and felt completly defeated..
it was February and 28 degrees out….no gas for the stove, no microwave… I kept Kayla in her jacket..she was hungry, I was hungry…well..through creative thought process I made grilled cheese on the coffee maker hot top, and soup using hot water through the coffee maker…

Kayla was a year and a half..I bundled her up as best I could, laid next to her, and realized in this piece of crap trailer I could see my own breath…that’s when I got in my car to find Kenny…this was enough!

I found him drunk at his brothers house..I asked him where the money went, and he was infuriated that I asked this in front of his family, he took me aside, we started to argue,

and before I knew it

he kicked me in the stomach

and threw me down

knowing that I was pregnant…


The money I had made that evening was taken to buy beer with...his brother turned the other cheek as though nothing had happened..
I was shaken...I did not know what to do...so I took Kayla and I held her as she slept with me in the car with the heater on.

The next morning, I had three dollars in change..kayla was hungry…I was hungry..We went to burger king and I had enough to get her French toast sticks and milk.

I was shaking and did not know what to do..I was scared and exhausted.."Oh God what do I do?"and I looked up.

There was the Bugrger King Slogan...

“Your way right away"

I thought yes…it is my way..right now.
At 19 years old I packed up Kayla..my gas tank was almost on E.
I prayed that I would make it to my folks house in Orlando…2 hours away

I had no idea what I was going to do

or how I was going to make it on my own..
I was now jobless..
now homeless...
with another child on it's way...

..but I knew I had to go…
and I did.

Almighty Heidi

11 comments:

AlmightyHeidi said...

Ok writing this...well I found out it did still affect me..boy did I have to take a deep breath when this one was done...

Cat said...

but this is what makes you almighty Heidi - you were so strong you got away - you are a freakin super hero in my eyes...
(hugs)

AlmightyHeidi said...

Aww Cat..I was 19 and invincable I think..I look back at the strength then and I wonder if I would have it now....but I belive truly with my heart that we all go down a path for one purpose or another..Like my son..Nathan the one who was in my belly without his dad..well he would not be here and I love my son...

terri said...

woe...we are on the same wave length.
if you really look back and wonder if you'd have the strength now,
take a moment and stop and think it thru. honestly, heidi. see it.
you DO have it now.
see it, okay?
it means a lot....
to you.
to me.
to all of us.

i really really like you.

AlmightyHeidi said...

I am in awe...

MaQuade said...

OK- I get that this is about the epiphany when you saw "The Sign" and took it as THE sign... But at least tell everyone... well- I know what happened and it's not my place to share. Even still, I'm HANGING on the edge of my seat!!!

On a lighter note... thanks for making tonight's grilled cheese on the stove in a pan ;0)

Shadow said...

this shows a very strong determined 19-year old. and she made the right decision. well done!

AlmightyHeidi said...

Maquade, well thanks for having me, it's always an experience when we get togethr..and the rest of the story..clue me in I dont remember?

Marty said...

I am with Shadow- your strength has saved your children...

Greenfingers said...

I can only say how sometimes writing your life experiences within these blogs can be weirdly liberating Heidi!

In a strange kind of way, writing about these experiences can be validated within these pages. Fair enough they were painful but you came through, became so much and now have the power and honesty to tell others.

Lisa said...

so too the real life of almighty Heidi, who is truly almighty in my eyes x