Inside out, outside in

I have been turned inside out lately. Alot of change, good and bad, which has caused me to bear my soul...to myself.

One of the things that I have I have been dealing with..well is just me.

Years of being told things over and over agian..

I really thought by leaving the situation I was in, those feelings would just go away..because mainly they were spoken by another..I did not know untill now...

The words did stick..they cause alot of internal bleeding.

Right now..it is my outter self I can not stand. Really, I have issues, and Im not sure how to sort them out. Some form of self hate.

"I know you have a little life in you yet. I know you have a lot of strength left. I should be crying, but I just can't let it show. I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking"

It is a tough thing to talk about really...but I need too.

When I am in a store like a target, and I go down an isle where they have mirrors, I will avoid looking at the reflection. I dont like the reflection in my laptop, so I avoid making the screen tilt a certain way. I face away from the mirror in the morning when I get ready.
And when I do have to get ready for work..I put on my makeup, I make it a point to look at the feature that I am working on, not the full self. I feel physically ill when I look..at me. I feel fat..ugly..gross.

It is not fishing for compliments in any shape of form, because I will deny them, I wont accept them...because I do not believe them.

The funny thing is I DO want to feel comfortable with me..but I really really dont know how.

I wish I could make it go away, I want it to go away..

The inner self is fighting against me wanting to hold my hand making it all ok, and I turn away and refuse...all the things I say to myself, but cannot hear..telling myself to get up woman..get up..you are worthy you are worthy..but I turn the other cheek and do get up, but walk away.

I would not want anyone else to feel the way I do...I know it has to change, i do, I cant stand living with it. There has been so much strength in other parts of my life..getting myself back up off the floor and moving on..I hope for my own spirit I can work through this too.

Trying to hug my heart..but pushing away..not wanting to be touched.

"All the things that you needed from me. All the things that you wanted for me. All the things that I should've given, But I didn't."..

To me..love me.



Shadow said...

oh girl, this sounds tough! one thing though, no matter how strong and loud the unwanted thoughts and voice, if you consciously keep telling yourself what you know to be right, what you know you deserve, somewhere, sometime, it WILL sink in. don't give up, keep on trying, you will succeed. love and hugs!

Anonymous said...

I'm new to your blog and after reading this I wish I knew just the right words...but I do not. I will read(listen to) your heart though...

terri said...

sometimes the only place i can start with is the little girl inside me.
i can always seem to see her beauty. and sometimes i figure that'll get me to the other places i need to go. it's a foot hold. any chance you can find one like that?

Anonymous said...

Bring the hate out, let LOVE in

Because you worth it!!!


foam said...

your pain is palpable, heidi ..
i'm so sorry you feel this way ..
i wish i could make it go away for you.
in the past i would come by and kid and say i would smack somebody upside the head for you ..
i'll still do that you know .. ;)
but right now i feel like i ought to give you a big, big hug ...
love you ..

MilesPerHour said...

There are so many techniques counselors have people use to overcome something like this. Finding the one that works is the trick and takes time. Find someone who can help you if you feel it is important enough to address. Best wishes on this.

AlmightyHeidi said...

To all of you, Thanks for letting me share. I have never been good with verbalizing emotions, but writing them down, I start to understand whats going on. This particular issue is a tough one, that I want to overcome, and writing..helps.

Di-Git said...

I relate to your post. I just finished a day long meditation and these thoughts came bubbling up into meditation. This is why for me it is so important to have a program to work it around the sticky stuff
Thanks for you honesty