I'm just telling like it is tonight..
My previous relationships have been pretty abusive, one physical one very verbal. The last relationship I was in hurt. I pushed alot under the carpet do to speak to...survive I suppose. We were together almost 7 years. When I met him I was tiny tiny, I was a runner..to thin you could see my bones. Then I was in an auto accident and the back pain began. In those years I have had almost 20 steroid injections in my back along with shots and oral steroids, then 3 surgeries, the final last year.
Steroids are not a girls friend..they make you gain weight..and with the back issues I became immobile..and was in chronic pain for 2 years..I would never wish this kind of pain on anyone.
The day after my first surgery I was expected to make dinner and clean the house
The second we had to move, and it was my job to pack, and help move...well thats just a tiny bit of it..but thats not quite the point...but htat lead me to the third surgery.
And yes..I am no longer a size f'ing 4.
The last few years he no longer kissed me..no longer touched me...sex..nada.
I asked why
The answer was because I gained weight.
This is when I planned my escape..but it hurt me to the core...more than I knew.
This started me not able to look at my own body anymore..stopped looking in the mirror.
So now..I started the process of healing..thought I was doink ok.
Today a co-worker walked in and said "How ya doin fat girl"
I am in a downward spiral.
I know he has no IDEA of what this has done
He sort-of apologized..I said oh it's ok..i dont care...
The self esteem I've been trying to build..
Then I started thinking, I have my own sarcastic since of humor..
makes me think..to rethink my humor sometimes..
But just saying..
Just remember to be kind.
Sooner or later I will bounce back,
but for now..Im just hurting.
trying not to sweep my feelings under the carpet
it does not work for me anymore...