I'm just telling like it is tonight..
My previous relationships have been pretty abusive, one physical one very verbal. The last relationship I was in hurt. I pushed alot under the carpet do to speak to...survive I suppose. We were together almost 7 years. When I met him I was tiny tiny, I was a runner..to thin you could see my bones. Then I was in an auto accident and the back pain began. In those years I have had almost 20 steroid injections in my back along with shots and oral steroids, then 3 surgeries, the final last year.
Steroids are not a girls friend..they make you gain weight..and with the back issues I became immobile..and was in chronic pain for 2 years..I would never wish this kind of pain on anyone.
The day after my first surgery I was expected to make dinner and clean the house
The second we had to move, and it was my job to pack, and help move...well thats just a tiny bit of it..but thats not quite the point...but htat lead me to the third surgery.
And yes..I am no longer a size f'ing 4.
The last few years he no longer kissed me..no longer touched me...sex..nada.
I asked why
The answer was because I gained weight.
This is when I planned my escape..but it hurt me to the core...more than I knew.
This started me not able to look at my own body anymore..stopped looking in the mirror.
So now..I started the process of healing..thought I was doink ok.
Today a co-worker walked in and said "How ya doin fat girl"
I am in a downward spiral.
down
down down
I know he has no IDEA of what this has done
He sort-of apologized..I said oh it's ok..i dont care...
But..
The self esteem I've been trying to build..
DAMN.
Then I started thinking, I have my own sarcastic since of humor..
makes me think..to rethink my humor sometimes..
But just saying..
Just remember to be kind.
Sooner or later I will bounce back,
but for now..Im just hurting.
trying not to sweep my feelings under the carpet
it does not work for me anymore...
Not so
Almighty Heidi
7 comments:
To hell with that co-worker who was so incredibly hurtful and rude to you!!! How sad that he had no idea how insensitive he was being. How sad for him! I just read your blog for the very first time ever, and wow!! I can tell that you are an incredibly beautiful person. Hang in there. Be kind to yourself. You are not your weight. You are the beautiful person within.
A new follower,
Shelley
what a callous prick ....
You are a beautiful person. If he don't understand that, he has a problem.
mmmm, no, that's not a nice thing to say to ANYbody, EVER! i'm glad you're out of those relationships, and i'm glad your body has healed (it has, hasn't it?!) and that now you can put yourself back together. down days happen dammit, but i hope the spiral upward is beginning for you too... lotsa love!
Hon I have been in this place, hell I think I am still int his palce and ya know what? No matter what my weight is I have figured out that I see myself as the fat girl... no matter that I am now in normal ranges...
Something in our heads needs to be reprogrammed I think, and I am working on that. I am starting a new blog about my journey from fat to fit - and what has worked and my struggle and my mistakes... its both about my mental health and how I see myself as well as my weight issues and how I have had to figure out along the way how to embrace myself - like we all should.
It is a process this life and I am so glad to be going through it at the same time that you are.
Cat
Im much better today, told ya I'd bounce back, but it;s sily how just when we are thinking we are doing ok and have "it" handled..whatever "it" is, the universe throws ya a loop, and come to find out..nope issues are still there that have to be worked on...
a) you are beautiful.
b) you are talented. fun. smart.
c) you are beautiful.
when i was writing My Quirks, i let people give input. and it drove me crazy until i decided: i'm writing the book *i* wanna read!
maybe life is the same...
maybe we need to live the kind of life *we* want. not that someone else writes for us, dictates.
and if people want to pick us up & read us, we can rest assured that we are giving them ...our true selves.
change nothing.
you are fabulous!
just keep building on that.
d) you have The Sun inside of you. i can see it. we all can see it! touch your chest & feel it, too.
peace~
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