3/28/2010

Light a candle

This weekend, I was sick, real sick.

So much stress at times it has been unbareable. My daughters health insurance ends through the state when she turns 19 in less than 60 days. She has one surgery scheduled for her jaw..and for three months it will be wired shut.

But, that is not the issue. She reinjred her back where she has surgery. From the mri results it says she has a new herniation as well as reherniating the disk where she had the surgery. Medicaid here only covers if you are an adult female that is with child or that has children, which she is not. So in order to make sure she gets the care she needs I am left putting her on my insurance with a 5 k deductible and will take 380 out of my monthy paycheck.

So I got sick to my stomach. I dont know how to make this work. Her father has stepped out of the situation completly...but im tired of my emotions taking hold..my brain is on overlaod, and my soul aches. So I just unclenched my hands and let go.

Today...I just stepped into the land of acceptance, instead of making myself ill over it. I dont have all the answers, I dont know how its all gonna work...I dont know, but I will do what I know how.

I cleaned all Kaylas laundry, hung everything up so it is easy to reach, rearranged her drawers so everything she need is on the top drawer since she cant bend to get to the others. I lit a candle in her room, and I prayed as I cleaned. I made up the bed on the couch since her old lousy mattress causes pain. I shampoo'd her hair since it huts to much for her to do it herself. I keep the icepack cold in the freezer and keep her medicine nearby. My pugs keep watch, especailly cosmo who is usally my lap dog, he has turned into hers, not leaving her side.


My son is on new medication where he wants to sleep all the time, which Im hoping is healing for him. So I cleaned the clutter in his room, fluffed his pillow and made his bed so he can find rest. I lit a candle and prayed while I cleaned.

My other son is feeling lost in the shuffle, so I organized is clutter hoping he can find himself again..and I lit a candle, as a cleaned I prayed.

This is all I know to do.
I feel so empty, so I wait to see if Ican hear my soul speak..instead of my brain being in overload.

So I pray, and clean, and wait, and see what will happen next.

Almighty Heidi

8 comments:

Cherie/ Butterfly Dreamer said...

I lit a candle for you.*hugs*
I'm in a scary place right now too.
We just have to hold on.

Christine Robinson said...

Heidi...

It would be so nice if we could lift each other with meaningful, practical help rather than simple moral support. It is, at times, unbearably difficult to be a single Mom. There aren't enough hours in the day; there aren't enough prayers in the world; there aren't enough safety nets to catch us all. Reality.

I've been (even quite recently) where you are, and I commend you for your motion to accept, and keep the faith that life will work itself out. I've found time and again that it indeed does. Statistically speaking, it does. Somehow the answers will reveal themselves.

Much love, peace and support as you endure. And insight as the path makes its way clear to you. Prayers for you and your kids.

Affectionately,
Christine

Sorrow said...

So I shall I light a candle
and pray too.
If one prayer is good, two may be better.

Matt D said...

You write such beautiful poetry.

I'm sorry to here you're having trouble. I sincerely hope that things work out for you and your family.

I think you are right. You have to keep doing whatever you can do to make the situation better, while at the same time accepting things for what they are -- less you make yourself sick. It's such a hard balance.

Hang in there.

Nurse Practitioner Sue said...

I see a lot of strength there Heidi, and some lucky kids with one fabulous mother. The universe is shifting - there's so much ugliness and yet I see the beauty in you...in your soul. Hold on to the sacred and many prayers & candles will come from my heart to yours. Best - Sue

terri said...

i think what you did was exactly perfect.

AkasaWolfSong said...

Prayers, thoughts and good energies and Love being sent up for you and your children Heidi...

In Peace and Abundance for you!

Greenfingers said...

Ahhh, Heidi.
All my good hopes and wishes go out to you my dear.