Glacier Bay

I read a quote today

"Im standing on a line between quitting and seeing how much I can take.."

Well I have no choice but to take it..I mumble to myself.
There is no quitting in the place where I stand, so I cross over to place where I feel blow upon blow, jolting my soul till it shivers on the bathroom floor.

My daughter re-injured her back. We get the results on Wednesday to see if she needs another surgery..on top of a surgery she is having in 5 weeks where her jaw will be wired for 3 months.

My middle child has severe OCD and anxiety...

Doc: What do you think is OCD Nathan:
Nate:I clench my hands, or my toes or my eyes. I cant stop,

Doc:What happens when you stop.
Nate:I cant take it..I want to die.(my heart is in my throat)

Doc:So what do you do when you cant stop?
Nate:I Keep going to the next level. I see letters.
Doc: Like the alphabet?
Nate:Yes..Mostly t and f..I try and focus on them..lower case.. lower case..but then if I cant get it It goes all the way through to upper case then lower case to t..and f...t...and f. ( and I look at his face and I know he sees the letters as he is tracing them with his finger in the air)
Oh man..oh man...im thinking. ..ive never heard he wants to die..or he is having hallucinations.

Doc: Do you hear things?

Nate: No No no of course not..hearing things is like schizophrena..ive read that Im not like them..no I dont hear things. ....

This is not ever how I dreamed my childrens lives would be...never ever never ever ever.

Then..the same day as this doctor appointment my youngest son tells me he has been smoking alot of pot and would like to get counseling too, he is depressed as he is becoming more and more concerned about their dad who is in the hospital...and his brother and sister.

After all the kids were tucked away in the rooms..

I turned the shower on and cried on my bathroom floor and wanted to puke ..so I hugged my new best friend..Glaicier Bay.. Glacier Bay sounds like such a lovely place...

that is the name of my toilet...
at least thats what it says near the lid.
Glaciers made me think of Alaska....maybe I just need to jump in my car..to Alaska...I hate the cold, I live in Florida..but maybe it would numb my insides.

In all seriousness..it would be nice..to just pause so my heart can breathe...and I would ask for my emotions back as they seem to belong to whatever situation happens to come along as of late.
Oh and whoever said that god never gives you more than you can handle..is a fucking liar...just putting it out there...my 2 cents.

Almighty Heidi


AkasaWolfSong said...

I'm with you in spirit Heidi...I am hugging you as that is all I know how to do right now. I don't have any sage words of wisdom.
I know when they put my grandchild in the psychiatric ward of the children's hospital I wanted to lay down and die too.
It still hurts and we are not out of the woods yet with him but I still have hope...see if you can just hang on to that one thread..
You are in my thoughts and prayers Dear Heart...as your children will be too.
Love and Blessings..

AlmightyHeidi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
AlmightyHeidi said...

My computer is having the best of me tonight..We thought of in hospital treatment a few weeks ago, that is the last route for me. It hurts though..seeing a child suffer..and when its family it hrts to the core. Thank you for your encouragement, it means alot.

AkasaWolfSong said...

It does hurt...lots of things in life hurt honey...but if we can use that feeling to move, we can move mountains with it, I believe. I think the emotion of 'hurt' is fear turned inward and we can do something with fear then...we can kick its butt! You're outta heah! Do some butt-kicking today!

Let me say this, when my Grandson was in hospital he liked it...it was a place for him to let it out without fear of being judged, (and we were not judging him but others were.) He was with other young people his age who were experiencing the same things as he was...and in retrospect I see maybe we removed him too soon? It was a hardship for our family in that he was in a city some 45 minutes from us and we had to make arrangements to get to him to visit so it felt like we were cut off but in reality we weren't. And it was Christmas so it felt like an especially hard time. At nine years old you want your baby home with you, ya know?
So consider it...I know it is sooo hard. But if you need someone to talk with I am here in whatever way that you need. Just keep hanging on to that thread of hope Precious One...I still have your backside.

Gentle Blessings going out to You!

foam said...

i'm so sorry to hear this. it must be so amazingly hard right now. i certainly hope that your daughter does not need back surgery.

and the fact that your youngest reached out for you and admitted to pot smoking because he's depressed and worried is actually really a good thing. he trusts you.

you know, when i read about your son seeing letters i thought of people who have synesthesia. these are people who, for example, might hear or read a number and visually see a color. it's where one sense will elicit a response in a different sense.
anxiety is no fun. . i sincerely hope your son finds the help he needs for his ocd and anxiety.

it's so hard to watch out children suffer, heidi. you are dealing with a lot. now that i'll be thinking of you.

Matt D said...

I don't want to pretend to know anything about your children or you. But reading what you wrote, I'm reminded that's it's all too often a one size fits all world. When you don't fit in, it's hard and it's harsh. So we do strange things and have strange problems. Then they medicalize us because they don't know what else to do.

There's so much we all still have to learn. We have to hang loose, less we break. But I know it's hard.

Hang in there!