No Shoes

My daughter had surgery on Thursday. It honestly looks lke she was hit over the head with a baseball bat. The recovery is hard..being up every 2 hours to give her meds..or a few ounces of fluid at a time..it breaks a mama's heart...it really breaks my heart.

But I know it is temporary.

It makes me thankful..that she is not cronically ill. This is in an odd way.. is easy..her jaw is broken, she will get better and heal...

My son's condition..there is not a broken one that can be fixed. It is chronic..it is almost a taboo thing..mental illness..nothing that you can just..go in, take out and make all better.

Such a road.... a road I wish I were not on, there are too many sharp rocks that cut to the soul.. and...Im not wearing shoes.

I feel guilty about having to leave this week...for a few hours, desperatly trying to find a second job..to leave the ones even longer that need me the most..so that we can have food, and a place to live. It's just not right. It really is not right, it goes everything in my nature of being a mom.

Let me just say this fucking sucks.

But for Kayla..there is nothing that can heal
her dad not showing up
not giving a damn
calling to see if she is ok
he has just..quit.

This is the part where the animalistic protector in me comes out
I will wake up every two hours to take care of my child
I will do everything in my power to make the hurting stop
do whatever she needs..to make it all better
cause that is what moms do..that is what I am built for
it's just there, in my blood

feel better-er

For the parts I have no control over..I will still do everything in my power to make the hurting stop...climb up the sharp rocks..and pray...pray to a god I am not sure of, the one who I just see placing more and more hurdles to see if I crack.. and hope for my childrens to overcome the ugliness of it all.

This is the road we are on, my kids and I
souls being cut and bruised
continuing to jump over the hurdles
hoping to heal

This is me..having a hard day
super tired
Tommorrow, is a new one
and we will be ok

Almighty Heidi


Matt D said...

Speechless at your words and really hoping lady fortune gives you turn in the right direction soon. You deserve it.

AlmightyHeidi said...

Thak you Matt.