I did not think..earlier this week that I would have anymore words left to write
but I do...

There is this black hole that feeds off my soul
and I am not sure why it has chosen me

So I guess..I have to let it out

I have words..not of peace, or enilghtenment
but I guess of this path that I dont understand of now...

My father for the fourth time
the last
two weeks ago
has been broken into

he lives in fear
of every noise in his home

there is nothing left to take
nothing of value anyways

his one possesion
his tv, he hides in his bathtub every morning before work
and it is safe
no one has found it

His soul

my mom took with her when she left
he has tried so hard to build his life
and I watch him trying to put back the pieces of forty years
he his reached a place of peace within
that he can at least breathe

and my mother
is coming home, what used to be home
just for awhile later this month to help my daughter recoup from surgery
this is what my daughter wants
and besides..this is about her, and her healing


I worry
about my mom playing with my fathers emotions as she lives with another married man
for over a year,
and my dad does not have the heart to divorce her
He still wants her..his honey his "b" his life back.

I watch from the outside in
knowing that no matter what
I will be there to pick up the broken
with my father

My son can no longer attend school

"Mom picture the number five
now say it again five times
then ten times in your head
then fifty, then times a hundred
then if that does not work can you see the letter T
trace it over and over again with your finger
again and again..can you hear the teacher talking?"

His brilliant mind is jumbled wth letters
and numbers and computer codes that he cant find the off switch for

Maybe this..this is why did not want to write because it is
it is painful

but I dont know what to do with it
but write

and hope

somehow the universe can hear
the cry of my heart

I want to hide in the bathtub
I want to find that safe place
where no one can find me

I want to hide
but... I want to be seen
I need to be heard.



Cat said...

I am sorry that life is proving a challenge for your heart right now, but know, remember, this will pass, this is not all of life, but only this small piece.

Write. Write my friend and let the universe have it all.

Matt D said...

My comment is here:


You have a incredible writing voice. Real presence. Keep writing.

Anonymous said...

Ahh Heidi. The world keeps on spinning but just keep moving, nothing bad ever lasts, unless its in our head?