I don't know whch way is up, or down, left or right. It is all spinning, so I lay myself dwn in the middle of the road, untill maybe..just maybe I can make sense of it all.
Did I REALLY piss the universe off?
Im really trying, Im really really trying to do everything good and right, by the book, love my kids, take care of everything but...
It is a sickining feeling. Rent due, and 125.00 in the bank account.
This week has been an amazing reeling of emotion.
The first day of my job loss was shock.
Then anger not getting my last paycheck for 2 weeks of pay.
alot of tears.
Many many tears.
Time is not even making sense. it is one o'clock then 5.
My dreams are filled with alligators surrounding me and there is no way out, but to be attacked.
My dad who worked for the company for 20 years is going to lose his house, car, everything.
The good news is my brother s going to claim him as a dependant, and my dad will be moving to Japan where he will have his health care needs, and basic needs ..food..shelter...warmth..love..
I WANT this for my dad. He needs a fresh start. He NEEDS medical. So I tell him please to go.
The bad news is...My saftey net. What used to be home...the place you go when it all falls apart..the place I moved after my divorce for a few months to get back up on my feet...home is gone.
I have never felt so alone.
It is an oppresive force.
I am responsible for three children..with no child support..only working part time...
today I only made 25.00
and I am really really scared.
if something happens..I cant go home.
There is no place to go.
Im trying to hold onto hope that it will be ok.
I check my email and my phone for missed calls and emails
like I have OCD, hoping I did not miss a call from a job.
The Almighty Heidi is not quite feeling almighty anymore.
There are too many emotions that I have felt and Almighty isn't even in the catagory.