What Now?

I don't know whch way is up, or down, left or right. It is all spinning, so I lay myself dwn in the middle of the road, untill maybe..just maybe I can make sense of it all.

Did I REALLY piss the universe off?

Im really trying, Im really really trying to do everything good and right, by the book, love my kids, take care of everything but...

It is a sickining feeling. Rent due, and 125.00 in the bank account.

This week has been an amazing reeling of emotion.

The first day of my job loss was shock.

Then anger not getting my last paycheck for 2 weeks of pay.

Then panic...


alot of tears.

Many many tears.

Time is not even making sense. it is one o'clock then 5.

My dreams are filled with alligators surrounding me and there is no way out, but to be attacked.


My dad who worked for the company for 20 years is going to lose his house, car, everything.

The good news is my brother s going to claim him as a dependant, and my dad will be moving to Japan where he will have his health care needs, and basic needs ..food..shelter...warmth..love..

I WANT this for my dad. He needs a fresh start. He NEEDS medical. So I tell him please to go.

The bad news is...My saftey net. What used to be home...the place you go when it all falls apart..the place I moved after my divorce for a few months to get back up on my feet...home is gone.

I have never felt so alone.

It is an oppresive force.

I am responsible for three children..with no child support..only working part time...

today I only made 25.00

and I am really really scared.

if something happens..I cant go home.

There is no place to go.

Im trying to hold onto hope that it will be ok.

I check my email and my phone for missed calls and emails

like I have OCD, hoping I did not miss a call from a job.

The Almighty Heidi is not quite feeling almighty anymore.

There are too many emotions that I have felt and Almighty isn't even in the catagory.



Robin said...

I feel so bad for you, I wish I could help you.

Try to hang in there. I don't know what to say, it reminds me of last night I watch that movie "Cast Away" in it Tom Hanks is stuck on an island for years, but he decides not to kill himself this is what he says:

"I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?"

I hope very much tomorrow brings you a better day.

btw: email me if you want to talk. robinmorris@optonline.net

AkasaWolfSong said...

I wish I had words of wisdom for you that would make you feel better Heidi but I do not. I do know that the dark comes before the dawn and have witnessed it many times in my life...try to hang on to hope Dear Heart and have faith in yourself. I wish I could help you too! I will continue to pray and hold you close in heart...
I send blessings on the gentle winds...

Matt D said...


It looks to me like all of America is in a slow motion financial earthquake. Out of people really close to me, one of them just lost their business, another has to have an operation -- and yet I'm not sure they can afford it, another is surviving on severance pay as their company just let them and many others go.

I don't say this to depress you, but to let you know that the forces acting against you are like the weather. It's not anything you did, and many people are getting caught up in it just like you. How it affects each of us is different and profound.

You're in an earthquake, and you just got hit. It must be terrifying.

Just do whatever you can. It will be enough. It will have to be. Don't blame yourself, whatever you do. And have faith.

You know, keep taking action, not matter how futile it seems, because sooner or later something will stick. It has to. Have faith.

I really hope what I am saying makes sense and is helpful.


AlmightyHeidi said...

Thank you all..and it does make sense Matt, it does

Terresa said...

This is crazy. Do you have a friend that maybe you could rent a room or 2 from for a place to live for awhile?

One of my friends lost her house last year. She ended up in bread lines, & with Salvation Army hand outs, etc. While things are better for her now, she's still not out of the woods, with 4 kids ages 5-17. It's nuts, really.

I hope your situation improves! And just think, when things are bad, things can only get better. They will get better. :)

Anonymous said...

Ahh Heidi. I sent you all the hope and best wishes that my fragile world can muster up.
Please be strong and take care.
Whatever the case, you have a beautifully honest way of writing from which ever situation that you've found yourself in...

foam said...

oh dear me ..
i'm so sorry, heidi.
it's gotten so depressing out there.
i know so many people who have lost their jobs.