11/15/2010

Everything you want..also wants you



Everything you want also wants you...


I had a dream about a week ago that I was going to die very quickly..soon. In the dream I was so overwhelmed..because I was not done yet..I'm just getting my head on straight.. just getting to know my true self..what I like..who I'm still supposed to become..not done yet!!! I'M JUST STARTING!!

I woke up feeling awful and wonderful at the same time.

No I am not done yet.



There is a journey I have been my entire life..but especially the last two years.


A twist of fate brought my brother here from Japan for two weeks for a conference.


He is not here but ten minutes

and I am overcome with tears

sobbing

catching my breath crying like a child emotion that's been apparently bottled up..
Really Heidi..really???!!!


" I am not happy"

and its like a movie playing

where is this girl coming from

I'm fine, I'm happy

life is..ok right?



"I know...I saw this huge hole in your chest when I walked through the door..you did not have to say a word..what can I do..how can I fill it"..this is my brother...


" You cant do it.. I have to"..again surprised by my own words


You have to understand..my brother and I are soul mates. If there are other lifetimes..we have spent them together..it is that kind of bond..


" I was scared of coming home" Mark says


"Why?"


"Because for the last two years..I have been in a bubble..where life goes on day to day..and the world is ok and fine..and I know yours and dads is not. When I left..mom had just dropped the bomb of leaving dad..we were worried about dad putting a bullet to his head..then Kayla's accident..you left Bruce, then you both lost your jobs..Nathan lost his mind..and being across the world there was not a fucking thing I could do about it!"


I knew my world had been on fire for so long ..there is no oxygen left. His world was like watching the twin towers of the family come down and there was not a thing he could do about it...and he felt the weight on my shoulders of having to try and put back together all the shards of glass on my knees..one by one after the towers collapsed.


I just keep trying to put them together..and they don't fit.

and I cant make everything better.




..and we cried.


How awesome is that..that I have that one..true...honest...loveing relationship, with no judgement just love.



It has been an eye opener.. a blessing.. a sweet twist of fate.


I feel like this journey..of the past few years, I am finally getting to the core

the core is my true self

and what I want


I have taken care of everyone for so long

I'm really really tired.



it is my soul that is screaming "What about me"


So I'm trying to find..

Happy.

Have you seen her?



I know deep down that everything I want

also wants me

and I AM NOT done yet..

I have just started.


~Almighty Heidi

"Move within, but not the way fear moves you" ~Rumi



6 comments:

terri said...

man, heidi....
i know you've had one heck of a ride...but look what you've got in a brother......

i can't tell you how moved i was reading that. i have two brothers...
but not really.

you have a soul mate. way way way cool.

Anonymous said...

I'm not done yet!
Faced with loss and illness
I came at it with I'm not done yet
ringing in my head.
It's not easy it's often not fun
but I too am not done yet.

Glad to read that you too are not done either.
What we needed often comes in surprising ways-strenght and peace to you-you blog often reminds me
that I'm not done yet!

Shadow said...

nope, you're not done yet. with good reason. you've got too much living still to do. and you will.

MaQuade said...

Catching up on your blog... I haven't been here in too long.

I'm WITH you though. I promise. You just have to share with me :)

L-
-J

Matt D said...

Very powerful words. Thank you so much for sharing.

Anonymous said...

Whispering only loud enough to be heard ,the simple words ,yet strong to your heart ,yes ,they want you too