5/26/2005

Men: The alien species

My excerpt from "The one day I'll make a book" “Aliens have invaded my brain” from chapter on “How to have a bad relationship in just three days.” It is my testimonial to womankind to help guide them in male behavior, and the to do’s and not to do’s based solely on personal experience, no degree required- Hope you enjoy.

"Man is natures sole mistake"- Princess Ida


I am helping you understand 5 species of male. They all share some of the same traits, however some have dominant traits as listed below you can see in the first three days, to as which I am the most familiar with. I will share my knowledge of this species, much like Jane Goodol did, so that you may further your learning experiences.





· You find out he lives with mother. –homo maturnus

He was breast fed entirely too long and evidently the man has separation anxiety and will soon land back at his mommy’s if you take him away. (I think longevity in potty training may have happened as well, and the terrible two’s never did end. Big NO. (Personal testimony: Relationship #2 ended with a mama’s boy…and he is still living there 6 years later)

· He asks “Do you have any vices?” –homo adico

This means he does and wants to know if you do to, so he knows where and how he should cover up these addictions if you do not agree with them, so he looks like a good boy in the beginning stages. Rule of thumb: You cannot change a man. If he likes porn, he will always like porn (homo-masturbatus), if he likes to gamble, he will do so till every cent is gone, if he likes to drink, he will get drunk, if he likes to eat, he will be fat, if he likes to smoke…where is his lighter? If he likes prescription and non prescription drugs- he will always want more. BIG NO. These vices make there way out and are like a virus and have a very unhappy ending, unless you have tolerance for any of the above, or are involved yourself and choose to pursue regardless, and try and put the “fun” in dysfunctional.(My relationships (1,2 and 3)with any of these involved other than alcohol and cigarettes proved to be the number one relationship death cause. R.I.P)



· He farts, spits, or burps in and out of public. –homo odius

These behaviors root themselves back to the ages of the early man. I think it may have been there first means of communication that other cavemen could understand. However through the ages amongst the female counterpart we have found it absurd and annoying. Here are the rules of thumb to follow. If he is at a football game and there are other men around, it is just his ego, proving to the other men, that indeed he is a man. These behaviors must be overlooked especially if the other men present are communicating to the same degree. It is the nature of a man to expel these sounds around the same sex. However, if you are at dinner with friends sipping wine and he loudly belches, you must kick him firmly underneath the table, and shoot him “the glance”” to curb this instinct that is so natural to him after a meal. If this does not work, the next business dinner he has, drink a can of rootbeer before leaving and loudly belch during conversation with the higher ups of his company. This however is a double edged sword. This may curb the behavior, or, it may influence his business partners to do the same. If this behavior is on a consistent basis, depending on your tolerance level…BIG NO. It will annoy you until your death bed, or the death of the relationship. (Relationship #2, life smells a whole lot better now)



· The “wandering eye”- homo aspecto

MMMHHHMM. Now women’s egos don’t even come close to a man’s. However, a man’s “wandering” eye can make a woman…

A) Furiously jealous leading her into new realms of snooping she never knew possible. She figures if a man looks, he defiantly touches. She will look at cell phone numbers, rummage through his wallet and pockets, and become an amazing detective. Her nerves will be shot, and she will be snippy, short tempered, and have annoying habits like pen chewing or foot tapping.

B) Anorexic, thinking that she does not look good enough. Countless hours will be spent on the treadmill trying to look like Cindy Crawford. She may show signs of compulsive hair coloring. It is a painful, agonizing way of showing co-dependency.

C) Fat: Ben and Jerry’s will become her comfort, and sometimes a bit too much alcohol to take away the sting as you saw his eyes looking up her body, then back down, as he is trying to keep the drool from gathering on his lips. But girl, one day you got to get up and get up off those brownies. Self punishment is satisfying, until the day you look in the mirror and see folds of cellulite.

Some of the male species covers up the “EYE” and pretend that they were really looking at a spot on the wall, or their shoelace, in fear of the female’s wicked and cruel retribution for this act. Other males, who grew up with entirely too much testosterone, male bonding, and beer can bashing men see it as a birthright and women were made to be looked at. …This species of man are highly connected to the insecure mama’s boys as listed above. The whole breastfeeding too long thing here has a connection, as the breasts are always the main focal point his eyes directly wander too. (Relationship #1 and occasional #3)



· The “control freak” –homo domina

This on has a more serious tone to it. He wants to know where you are and who you are with at all times. If you are a well behaved relationship girl, and there is no cause for concern on his end this is a big red flag get out!!! He will go through your pockets, call your work and be accusatory in every other word of his conversation with you, and control any income you make. This man did not get enough love, he was the bottle fed one left in his crib to scream. His father always told him he was a bad child and could do no good. This is more a father issue than a bottle fed one. He may be verbally or physically abusive to make him feel more “in control” when we all know he is entirely out of control, and taking you down to the levels deeper than hell itself. No way to live, and there is some deep down very bad warped, need counseling kind of issue there, that is beyond your instinct of “ I can change him and make him better” Nooooo…. you need to run… or buy a very large gun. (Relationship #2)

· The Pig-homo grunnitus

If his apartment is a pigsty… why in the world do you think he would change his ways now? Some may make the effort of shoving all their belongings that are on the floor under a bed or in the closet, much like they did when they were 7. To some this may be a sweet gesture. However, there is a musty, locker room, animal dying odor that painfully takes your nostrils over. Dinner at his place is not a sanitary option…and the toilet seat…OH MY GOD. His mommy did not potty train him properly, and I assume he is still a bed wetter, because no one in there right mind would use such a facility. (Absolutly relationship#3)



And finally I quote my favorite person (even though I’m not sure who she is, I found the quotation in “Bartlett’s familiar quotations”) I have brought this up in other emails as well, but I still cling to it.




My research next will be on princes Ida. I am sure that when she said man was natures sole mistake…she meant it..I figure god messed up when he made man, so he fixed it and made…women! After that God had to rest.



Latte’ Heidi

4 comments:

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Those were hilarious!!! :)

And I have my very own "the glance" (aka the royal evil eye) perfected!!! :)

Great blog! (And thanks for stopping by The Peanut Palace!)

Schotzy said...

I agree with the pq you have hit guys right on the button. S

JODSTER said...

I am afraid... very, very afraid...

Is there a homo-useless catagory somewhere?

MaQuade said...

Do you like cheese, Heidi? I do. I LOVE cheese. And there are ALL SORTS of varieties and strains, each with several sub-varieties and catagories.

Cheddar is excellent! I also like provolone and most 'american' blends and Mozzerella...

I'm not big on other cheeses though. Some good ones sometimes turn bad for who-knows-what reason. You tink it'll go well melted over a burger, but it ends up oily and drippy and just saturates the bun and then the whole burger is ruined. Others might ferment too long at one stage or another... some might not be properly stirred during conelling... Once I figure out that I don't like this type of that type of cheese, I stay away from those varieties and strains.

Most importantly though, I don't let those few types of cheese turn me off to cheese as a whole. I can't let a few unsavory cheeses allow me to make blanket judgements about cheese in general. There are still so many other cheeses that compliment/complement so many things I like. And I'm STILL finding new and different ones all the time. Sometimes mixing an unexpected cheese into a classic can be wonderfully exhilerating! Chedder in Lasagna... Alfredo with friend green tomatoes... Who'd have thought something that unexpected would be so good!

There ARE some bad ones, but overall, cheese is gouda! I'm not going to give up on cheese.