Heidi The advice columnist begins...

"Researchers from Christchurch School of Medicine, New Zealand have found that smoking cannabis nearly doubles the risk of developing mental illness."
Triple Helix Spring 2005

I got my first question, for my dysfunctional advise column! Woohooo. Please feel free to ask any questions you'd like about anything and I will answer them all out of total dysfunction.

How goes the drug addiction? - Posted by Rainy Pete http://uselessmen.blogspot.com/
He has a great advise column and http://rainypete.blogspot.com/ his own personal column as well.

I am not sure how to answer this question. Should I be offended at the thought that he thinks that by my apparent issues that I am a drug user? Should I be offended and hurt. Should I stay in a state of silent frustration and shrug it off? Nope, I will try and get verbally even by lashing out and I will just remind him that he is funny looking, not right in the head, short, and mostly confused...and he wears a red rubber clown nose on his site:)

To answer his question the drug addiction is going well:) Too well in fact. I had hurt my back 4 weeks ago, the doc gave me percocet and flexeril. The flexeril made me feel like I had about 4 shots of goldschlogger. Mellow, yet my brain and mouth could no longer form words. Throughout the weeks I have gotten used to the meds, and would like a refill please. Really..Seriously I would like a refill please,that'ss some good stuff. The percocet did nothing for me so I never took it after the first day.

Words of advise from a dysfunction malfunction: 2 days before hurting my back I decided to go on a slim fast diet. I just wanted to lose a few pounds the jeans were getting tight. So I started that, and took my drugs all day long as the doc prescribed.Stupid me I was slosshed, but had an amazingly mellow day at work, nothing at all bothered me. I had a poker game later on in the evening, and I always have 2 drinks on poker night. Totally forgetting. Just not thinking....I had not eaten all day, just the stupid slim fast shake and flexeril, I drank. I was currently in 5th place (winner goes to the world poker tour). Needless to say I was bumped down to 19th, and un-understandable.

Slimfast+muscle relaxant+2 captain morgan and cokes make your world spin in a very bad way.

So tomorrow is the last day of meds...I truly could be addicted...but will continue my legal addiction of starbucks vanilla latte's...even though I know it must be loaded with crack or something because I try and find ways to do coffee runs for the office..every day...got a headache...you need coffee...bad day..yup you need coffee. Which leads me to my next addiction of a very bad, terrible ugly habit, that I am ashamed of...pen chewing. There is so much caffeinee floating around in my brain that I compulsivley chew my pen to no end, it really is disgusting,but it is a good way to keep the co-workers away from my pen "stash".

In conclusion it leads me to wonder:
If my mother did smoke pot or eat those little majuanna brownies when I was in the womb...

I smoke pot only three times in my life. The last was laced or something and I was hallucinating and first thought the cops were after me and then I thought that I was flashing my parents at the dinner table (and yes I was actually at the dinner table with them). Freud should figure that one out!
So I figure any mental illness I will pawn off on my parents of the 70's.

Pete, I hope this helps!



(p.s. I really do like the rubber nose, I am not sure if you are really short or not)


Erin said...

Here's one for you...

Dear Heidi,

How should I deal with a chatty boss that seems to be much more interested in reminiscing about 30 years ago than actually getting work done?

Too Young for this Conversation

Rainypete said...

Well I can't say as 5 foot and a bit makes me a towering giant.

Mmmmmmm Goldschlager.

Lone Ranger said...

Good luck on the column. One little favor. Could you call it an "advice" column? Just for MY mental health.

AlmightyHeidi said...

Yes you are short.

Lone Ranger- You have come to my rescue and have kept me from much literary embarrassment. I looked an saw many things Mrs. Trainor my 3rd grade teacher would have been appauled at, which I can only attribute to my starbucks habit leading me into kidney failure and multiple spelling errors, and continuous run on sentances:)

Erin- Dysfunctional answers, and possible bad spelling coming soon.

It's a damn poor mind that can think of only one way to spell a word. ~Andrew Jackson