1/10/2006

The Gym

Every year it is the same old same old. Halloween comes where we pick out all the good candy from our kids halloween stash. Then Thanksgiving where we eat too manymashed potatoes and pie, then Christmas comes, and there is chocolate galore brought into the office,many many parties with an abundance of alcohol...then people come up with get rich schemes on TV, on how people can lose weight by diet pills, joining a gym, the new boot camp work out...and spinning (although i am not sure what spinning is but it makes me dizzy thinking about it)

Last Sunday out of complete bordom while football is on in the other room, I am flicking thought the channels and yes...I started watching an infomercial.

The new "sauna belt" You just wrap it around your belly, or which ever part of your body you want to lose weight. It warms up to 2 gazillion degrees and makes that part of your body sweat while you lose inches. I'm wondering to myself if you could accidentally "bake" your intestine or something. It reminded me of chikien gizzards they cook for someunknown reason here in the south. (People actually eat that stuff. EWWWW)

Then I watched another one on how a miraculous serum takes away all your wrinkles in three weeks. The woman on the shopping network was 65 and it looked like she had a really bad plastic surgery job and her eyes were chineese looking and her lips were pulled back into her earlobes.


Finally there was like the tummy tucker 2005 or something where you wear this granny panty looking thing under your work out clothing and it helps you to lose weight. This made me think...what if I were wearing those granny panties under my gym clothes...and I like passed out or something. Ok now I am going to tell a very long story, but there is a point to it.

Back when I was 18 I had a massive allergic reaction to Asprin. I had hives all over that were just driving me crazy. Finally at 1 am, I woke my husband up and said that he had to take me to the ER or I was going to scrape my skin off. By the time I had got there...I had to sit..and wait. Then all of a sudden I felt dizzy and I told them I felt like I was going to throw up, and I could not find a bathroom and I did not want to puke all over the floor. They took one look at me and said "can you walk?" as soon as I stood up, I passed out.

Next thing I know I was in a hospital bed and this very fine, good looking, hottie Dr was cutting my shirt off and taking my bra off. I was semi concious, but I remember it. My boobs fling out and I pass out again, this time I think from embarrasement. So...if I were wearing granny panties, I think maybe they all would have had a real good laugh. So no granny panties for me.

Oh, and just to finish my above ranting because it is my only real interesting story I have in my 32 years of being alive, ...

I am laid out on the table going in and out of conciousness. Then I hear boom boom. My hear beat in my ears. Then it is silent. My mind starts racing, there should be another Boom boom. But Nope...Then I hear the nurses say "Were losing her" just like in the movies.I want to speak, or move my hands or legs, but I cannot. Then I felt like I was playing the "Trust" game back in school where you fall backwards and the person behind you has to catch you...or let you fall on the floor. Then I start thinking...oh noo, I am going backwards...that is not good. Heaven is UP...Hell is down I start praying REALLY HARDGod I know I am saved, then I progress to have him forgive me of all my sins just in case. Then I think of my daughter who was just born and tell god that I cannot leave her, she is just a baby. Then it was like I was put back into my body and I woke up....except it was 4 hours later. Yup..my heart stopped.

Ok, so back to the original... I decide that I do not want to bake my innards, wear granny panties, or wear a miricle cream that will make me look like my face was pulled into the back of my head. So I the Almighty Heidi have done one of my new years resolutions...I went to the gym for 2 hours tonight. I am going to hurt like a bitch tommorrow. I need to see if they have any amazing infomercials for....pain. That would be the best new money making marketing stratagy after all the new years resolutions die off. A body cream that miracously takes away all the aches and pains from the night before......only 19.95 plus a set of new ginsu knives.


Heidi

5 comments:

happyandblue2 said...

LOL. Two hours at the gym for your first time seems a tad excessive. Hope you can walk today..

Rainypete said...

Two hours!! The first tiem I went was like 45 minutes and I swore I was crippled the next day!! Good luck.

Gary said...

I love infomercials. Especially at three o'clock in the morning.

schaumi said...

So, been to the gym again lately?

AlmightyHeidi said...

Ohhh yeah...the gym...forgot to do that..on purpose:)