1/18/2006

Weird Science



Disclaimer:

***This blog, as most of mine do, includes male bashing, gender degrading, and racism against the male race. If you are a man and are reading this, it may have the following side effects: blurry vision, sweaty palms, headahe, hemorrhoids, diarrhea, vomiting, itchy underarms rashy appendages and or divorce***

Today my son Michael brought home some science terms that he had to use in sentences so that the teacher knows he understands them. We had fun.
I love science. Many of these terms I have found have a male inspiration behind them.

Every man must have at least three power tools, and an assortment of doo dads in their garage, or workspace to feel and look important. Here is one that was developed, that I am surprised most men do not have:

anemometer- a device used to measure the speed of wind.

As proud as the male species is of "passing wind" I am surprised they don't get out the handy dandy anemometer every time they so. " Ohhhh wait, I think I got a good one here. Hey honey, lookie here, this one went at 50 mph"

Here's another great tool that needs to be developed as pocket size for every man to carry at all times.
Barameter: a device used to measure the pressure of the atmosphere.
Every male should have one of these before having a conversation with that special someone. Maybe use it during and after as well, it might be helpful.

Woman:
"Susan said she saw you today at that little Mexican restaurant down the street with some big chested blonde. She said she looked like our neighbor..Natasha".

Man: Gets out his hand held beromater...The pressure is high. "Oh now sweetie pie, she must have been mistaken, I went to lunch with Bob at the soup and sandwich place."

Woman: (Knows her man never eats anything healthy, or gay sounding such as a soup and sandwitch) "Noooo she said you were wearing a red tie."

Man: Looks down and sees his red tie. "No dear, this is...fushia" he is of course lying, and has never used the word fushia. Baramater is vibrating off the charts.

Woman: Glares.

Man: Baramator is shaking violently until it jumps out of his hands, on the floor, then he passes gas (measures it at 75 mph) and it smells like a quesidilla with bean dip. Busted. (kinda grossed myself out)


Most men do not have any equipment around to measure decibels (a unit of measurement for sound, it measures the loudness or volume of the sound waves)
because at this time, it would be broken.

Here are a few other terms I felt useful, follow along carefully, it is a lot at once:

Most women find that men do not have energy: the name given to the ability to do work. At this time the man usually feels pressure: the application of steady force upon another object, from the significant other to do something...anything. So he then decides to go to the restroom and use capillary action:the tendency of liquids to move into or out of tiny, hairlike passages,and after about an hour, he looks down to see if there is any buoyancy: the ability to float, in his mass: the amount of matter in his object,flushes with pride, coughs, snorts, scratches his butt, and comes out of the restroom then feels like he has completed the important tasks for the day. At this time he thinks that he can get some inertia: the ability to stay at rest, on the couch.


I hope this has shed some light for all of you, how men in actuality, use science in everyday life. Who said they were dumb....


Heidi :)

4 comments:

Rainypete said...

I exprienced no blurry vision, sweaty palms, headahe, hemorrhoids, diarrhea, vomiting, itchy underarms rashy appendages and or divorce. But then again I'm useless.

I could use one of those anemometer jobbies though. That would be hilarious.

Gary said...

You are funny. I can take a fair amount of male bashing. It helps keep me in check.

schaumi said...

I'm sure I said men were dumb at least.....well, I don't know how many times. You should sell handheld anemometer over ebay. Sounds like you'd have at least one buyer.

AlmightyHeidi said...

Yes, I will market the anemometer in 2007, and become RICH RICH RICH:)