I Am a Dork

There is no other real way to describe the AlmightyHeidi. I am a dork. My daughter has inherited the gene as well. We may seem real normal on the outside, ...untill you see one of us walk into a wall or trip over our own feet...often.

I have been going to the gym alot lately. I am not sure if it is some sick form of self punishment, but every muscle in my body hurts like hell. By March you have to be "beach worthy"...you have to be able to get back into the bikini you once wore last year, after all the Thanksgiving, christmas, new years, superbowls, and valentine choclate binges....So Feb-March is crunch time...literally...thus the lack of blogging, because I just want to die.

To help myself along in the pain process I decided to pleasure myself, to make it all worth while...no guys..not what your thinking. It is nearing my 29th...ok my 33rd birthday and I have given myself the gift of skin cancer. I got a tanning package, so I can get on the road to being "beach worthy" a little soonner.
Ok, this is where my dorkeyness comes in...so bear with me a bit longer.

The first two visits to the tanning bed I was fine, I did not burn. So a few days ago, I went for the full 15 minutes. I was in my gym clothes and forgot to bring my bathing suit, so all the tan lines could be in the right places. So...I got in the booth naked. My sports bra would leave the tan lines all funny, so screw it. 15 very relaxing minutes go by and I go to the gym. When I get home my daughter says "You look really red mom" I go to the bathroom and sure enough, I am burnt, not bad, but enough.

After some household chores I decide that I want to take a bath, my muscles are really sore now. I start my thousand degree bubble bath, and get in forgetting I am burnt. Not only am I burnt, but because I went naked and my butt has never seen the sun...it and other parts of my body are on fire...and I lower my body into the water. It takes about 20 seconds....then my kids hear "HOLY SHIT OW OW OW " coming out of the bathroom and wonder if they need to call 911. It felt like I put my body in a tub full of acid. That did not go so well.

Today I decide on my quest for spring beauty, I am going to paint my toenails. On the way in to grab my polish, I look in the mirror and decide I must wax my eyebrows to. It is a new wax that I have never used before, but they are all similar. I carefully apply the wax, as not to rip off an entire eyebrow,which I have done in the past. After the wax cools, I say a little prayer, then rip the hairs off in one fast painful swipe. "SON-OF- A BITCH" I yell.

My daughter starts looking up Touretts syndrome on the internet after seeing it on Oprah. She is pretty sure her mother has contracted it.

In the wax kit, as most there is a little lotion bottle inside to soothe whichever part of your body you have waxed. I decide, my face it a bit dry from the tannning so I will apply this aloe type lotion all over my face. About 1o seconds go by, then all of a sudden I can't feel my face, but it has a strange warming sensation. I am not sure if I am having a stroke, or some kind of allergic reaction. I poke at my nose, and I can't feel it. I am freaking out. I look at the bottle and it has aloe and Lidocaine. Lidocaine is used often in medicine for numbing. Feeling relived knowing I will be ok, I then decide to apply it to my very burnt buns...and boobs.

Let me tell you, what an interesting feeling that was. I've decided I could market this stuff on the internet....for some other purposes:)

Have a great weekend.



happyandblue2 said...

LOL. Perhaps you should just skip the beach worthy look and go for the staying in the house look..

Jeremy said...

Your misery has made me smile, thank you!

schaumi said...

LOL. Silly girl! You're hardly a dork (a dull stupid fatuous person), perhaps slighty clumsy, mishap prone, klutzy... but not a dork :)

Lisa said...

I felt bad laughing at this, but gawd forbid I couldn't help myself lol. We all have dorky days, you are not alone :)

Gary said...

I hate to laugh at your misfortune, but I can't help it. That was one of the funniest posts I've read on any blog this year. Please go out and do some more dorky stuff just so you can write about it.

AlmightyHeidi said...

Blue: yes, I think I will have to buy a moo moo and stay home:)
Jermey: Glad I could be of service. Laughter is the best medicine I belive.
Schaumi: accident prone yes...I did actually set my hair on fire once...
Lisa: Dorkeyness...is not just a bad day..it is a way of life in this household.
Gary: there will be plenty more coming!!