Almighty Heidi Finds the Perfect Man

After taking another day off from work..waiting to be fired, I thought about "The Perfect Man" after making a list and reviewing it...my perfect man turned out to be...GAY.

Here are the perks of a gay man.

1. You will always be accesoized perfectly. "Oh honey...those shoes DO NOT match that purse, and what were you thinking when you picked out those earrings??" So he picks out the right ones "Oh you look fabulous darling FAB-U-LOUS"

Think about it ladies, when was the last time you husband said you looked FAB-U-LOUS?

2.Your home will be decorated tastefully, and you won't have to lift a finger.

3. If you go out together, you both can check out the guys.

4. He will love your mother, and his own.

5. If you are sick, you will be well taken care of. "Oh...poor thing, you want som tea...with honey?? I LOVE HONEY..there was this one time with Frank...wand well...honey is just tasty yum yummy"

6.You won't be pressured to have sex.

7. He will always agree that your girlfrineds are bitches when you want him to, plus he just loves the word.

8. He will always be well groomed, and smell great.
Here is the downside, to keep a well balanced debate.

1. Your might catch the influence on your younger son when he is in the living room in his whitie tighties, ans he sings YMCA.

2. You will never be pressred to have sex...or to have sex period.

3. He might love your mother, but your father and brother will be very uncomfortable.

4. The guy you pick out from the club...he brings home.

5. He will always look and smell better than you.

6. He will take twice as much time in the bathroom as you.

I had this epiphany when I was watching queer eye for the straight guy today. Women love gay guys because they make terrific friends, but we can never make them straight. *sigh*

Why do we always want what we can't have. Men...try and be a little more gay for your wives this week. This does not mean redecorating the den into a football wall of fame, or checking out a guys ass...because she will send you to therapy.Try giving her a bubble bath with scented candles and a glass of wine...that's not too hard, and the benifits you will reep from this gesture, will be very benificial to making you feel more like a man again.:)

Almighty Heidi, the relationship specialist...you learn from so many. Ha!


happy and blue 2 said...

I tried the bubble bath thing when I was married but she struggled to much for me to keep her head under the water. Even after several glasses of wine..

X. Dell said...

(1) Heidi, if I would have known, I'd have been happy to give you a bubble bath.

(2) My gay male friends have long given up trying to accessorize me (and teaching me to dance, for that matter).

(3) As long as he share's his guy with you, isn't that okay? I mean, you'd be getting two for the price of one.

(4) I don't mean to complicate things for you, but I know women who like gay men primarily for one reason: sex.

(5) One of my roommates was gay (I guess he still is). The only decorations we put in our house was a poster of Karl Marx.

Rainypete said...

The last time I told my wife she looked fabulous she thought I was cheating on her and trying to cover it up. My right ear still aches when it rains.

AlmightyHeidi said...

Happy: I saw that episode on CDI...didn't know it was you!

x-dell" My favorite x-man: I could not decide the chills up my spine were from being turned on at the thought of sharing, or being grossed out.

Pete: You are royally screwed in the land of catch 22. Because of the lack of rmantic things for your honey, you will never be "right". If you do nothing, you are an inconsiderate bastard. If you do sommething sweet...it is too out of character, and your wife goes on red alert, and automatically thinks...your a cheating bastard. So most men, go for the lesser and stay in the land of inconsiderate bastard, because they would like to keep the family jewels in tact.

Wish I had better news for you....(thoughtless bastard)

:) Heidi

X. Dell said...

Heidi, I'd rule out the turned on bit if I were you.

Lol, Pete. You notice she's still bashing us in the commnts section.

Rainypete said...

I'd expect nothing less. We've got to keep our chromosomes in the doghouse or else we'll find ourselves contantly being asked questions on fashion and relationships. EEK!

schaumi said...


the guy you are describing sounds impossibly annoying. i'd probably have to pop him one eventually........unless he gave great foot rubs...

Lady Lux said...

ha!ha!ha!ha!ha!ha!ha!ha!ha!ha!....but...know what??...I actually have a friend, who after seperating from her hubby, is now considering moving in..as in moving as parttners with her gay friend...she gave me the same reasons....