I am with my insignifigant other for what I think is 7 years now is the woulda coulda shoulda guy. It's a very annoying trait..this is the way it usually goes. " I would have gotten this for your birthday but....." : I was thinking about doing this for you but...." Always thinking that the thought counts, and it does, but after 7 years, you come to realize it is just an excuse, and he is better off not "Would have done this and would have done that" than even mention it. It's amazing falling asleep next to somebody and feeling completly alone.
I am going in for a third back surgery next week. The scary part of surgery, is when you have done it before, you find yourself wondering why in the hell are you doing it again. It hurts, but you take on more pain, in hopes of reliving it in the end. Crazy.
I am one week away and I always get butterflys. Going in for pre-op tests, I am scared to death, but praying maybe this time, it will work. Being scared puts your life in perspective.
These are the things that go on in my head: Just in case in the rare occurrence I croak.
1. I renew my will. No I do not have millions, but I do want my wishes for my children to be taken into consideration if anything should ever happen.
2. I think of what I shoulda woulda coulda done with my life that I wished I did...and this makes me sad.
Ha! Maybe I am the same, as the other half of my relationship. Not towards him and things I do or give him, but in my own life. Did I finish nursing school? Did I take yoga, did I ever put together the scrapbooks I have been meaning to do for the last few years? Who am I going to vote for in the upcoming election? Did I hug my kids enough? I should have made that homeade potato soup with ham and chives and chedder cheese. Damn, so what if it is all carbs. And the big one.....Was I happy?
Not to be morbid or anything, but I have embraced my innermost thoughts and feelings upon reflection and know some things must change in me, and in my world that is around me. Instead of being petrified, it's almost like a good time to make a middle of the year New Year's resolution. Something attainable so I feel capable, so I can move on to the bigger issues. It's a good self check to think If I died next week...was my life fufilling?