Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda Done

I am with my insignifigant other for what I think is 7 years now is the woulda coulda shoulda guy. It's a very annoying trait..this is the way it usually goes. " I would have gotten this for your birthday but....." : I was thinking about doing this for you but...." Always thinking that the thought counts, and it does, but after 7 years, you come to realize it is just an excuse, and he is better off not "Would have done this and would have done that" than even mention it. It's amazing falling asleep next to somebody and feeling completly alone.

I am going in for a third back surgery next week. The scary part of surgery, is when you have done it before, you find yourself wondering why in the hell are you doing it again. It hurts, but you take on more pain, in hopes of reliving it in the end. Crazy.

I am one week away and I always get butterflys. Going in for pre-op tests, I am scared to death, but praying maybe this time, it will work. Being scared puts your life in perspective.
These are the things that go on in my head: Just in case in the rare occurrence I croak.

1. I renew my will. No I do not have millions, but I do want my wishes for my children to be taken into consideration if anything should ever happen.
2. I think of what I shoulda woulda coulda done with my life that I wished I did...and this makes me sad.

Ha! Maybe I am the same, as the other half of my relationship. Not towards him and things I do or give him, but in my own life. Did I finish nursing school? Did I take yoga, did I ever put together the scrapbooks I have been meaning to do for the last few years? Who am I going to vote for in the upcoming election? Did I hug my kids enough? I should have made that homeade potato soup with ham and chives and chedder cheese. Damn, so what if it is all carbs. And the big one.....Was I happy?

Not to be morbid or anything, but I have embraced my innermost thoughts and feelings upon reflection and know some things must change in me, and in my world that is around me. Instead of being petrified, it's almost like a good time to make a middle of the year New Year's resolution. Something attainable so I feel capable, so I can move on to the bigger issues. It's a good self check to think If I died next week...was my life fufilling?


..................... said...

first of all i wish you all the best for your surgery. may it bring the much needed relief.

second .. isn't your marriage license expired? just kidding. but i remember an old post about that..;)

i understand your fear, but i am not planning on visiting the blog of a dead person, but a person who is high on painkillers .. but still it's always good to renew a will at times.

i think one shouldn't waste time on the woulda shoulda's. it's hard enough to just put one foot infront of the other at times, make a living, raising kids, taking care of house and spouse. and anyway..changes don't need to be huge .. small steps will take you were you wanna be. and a loooooooong time i decided not to feel guilty about unfinished projects. fuck scrapbooks...
and who's happy anyway. happiness is a fleeting thing anyway. i think it's more important to just live a life that is worthy. and i think you are doing that. raising kids is worthy ..
doing things for you health is worthy..

hug your kids often this week ..
eat that potato soup ..
and paint your toenails green while you are sitting on the floor with your legs stretched out infront of you. that's a yoga stretch..;)

terri said...

first of all....the whole 'almighty heidi' totally tickles me. and then to think i may have found my long lost twin sister! yet another tickle!
AND THEN to find you over here contemplating if your life has been worthwhile! i'm in! i wanna do that too!

almighty, thanks for stoppin' by and leavin' a comment over my way. it's so nice to meet you! hoping you are feeling better and better each day....

MaQuade said...

I know this is totally after the fact, but I can't help writing from the perspective that I'd have had if we'd been back in touch sooner:

Heidi... you must not... CANNOT- even CONSIDER evaluating yourself under any sort of coulda woulda shoulda judgements. Why? Because who you have been, who you are, (and continue to be) and who you will be has been the most important aspect of 'being'. You didn't simply accept motherhood... you EMBRACED it. There is no single identity that is more important. You have given your best to reach a score of zero :)

And better still (coming back the the present) you are now starting to grow with your kids and look to your own future as they approach and age where they will begin the journey of making theirs.

For all your paths through and over mountains, and all the tough stumbles, you're still going strong and haven't given up.

Coulda shoulda woulda??? Screw that! You *DID* :) And you still ARE! :)