Courage Under My Own Fire

Last night I could not sleep, and my mind was spinning, so I got up, and started writing. I hate writing deep soul insightful things..I would rather not. I try not to be mushy, or come off that way, but deep down..well...ater all..I am a woman.

It is strange as adult watching my parents go through a time of seperation, leading to ultimate divorce. It was my mother who left, and my father who s trying to pick up the shattered peices after 40 years of what is left. It is strange, being the daughter who listens and counsels the father...how backwards is that...but I would not trade it for the world because I love my father dearly and has always been there to help me pick my own peices up off the floor as well.

Going through relatinship break ups..serious ones, is so utterly painful. Your heart is a big open wound...and it just keeps bleeding. Let's face it. There is no bandaid to "Make it all better"

One of my favorite quotes is "To get to the end, you must go through first"

Going "through" sucks. Threough is :"What is wrong with me...what did I do wrong, blah blah blah beat yourself up crap that is there either to beat your self up, or make yourself stronger, when you start to realize..hey I did make some mistakes, but I deserve more than this"

I find myself talling him that there is a light at the end of the tunnel..starting over at 60..it will be ok, you can pick up the peices and make something beautiful out of your life that you never knew was there. I am the queen of "With weakness comes strength"

Then I realize as I talk to him, I am only really talking to myself as well...and this is why I cant sleep.

This morning I groggily woke up, shuffled to the kitchen to make my coffee, and wentback to bed...flicking through the channels..and the nerd in me started watching a show..on "How it's made"

It took Thomas Edison 1600 diffrent elements to find the one that would work, so we could have light. How exausting. I do not want to go through all the elements to find the person that makes me light up. Try fail try fail...maybe I am to independent....Then there is a sad image of me..growing old..and alone being the cat lady...but thankfully I am allergic to cats..so maybe I will be the old lady that talks to her plants..and knits...but I have killed all the plants I have ever owned...and I was the one that ran with scissors, fell, and stabbed myself when I was 8....hmmmm

Personally, I do not want it to take me 1600 trys to find the one element that will bring me light. Maybe the light..is somewhere within me, certainly you dont NEED another person to make you happy..

ok wow enough ramblings of mush. To combat this gooey blog, my next one will be all male bashing to make me feel all better...coming soon..



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