It has been so strange within the last few weeks. I have gotten in touch with some old friends, that I have not spoken with in over 19 years, and it really has stirred some emotions about myself. I had already dealt with my past many years ago..the feelings of failure blah blah blah…to realize that I am not, I am just human… and I am ok with how life turned out…really. I fell along the rocky paths a few times, got bloodied, but damn it, I got back up, brushed myself and moved on.
Here is something I thought of last night while I was walking the dogs that led me to the above. It was warm and a breezy night in Florida. I live near a lake, and the frogs were going nuts, the birds were chiming in, and you could even hear the alligators call out at the moon, as it was just starting to come out at the same time the sun was setting. It was red and orange glowing on top of the most glorious midnight blue I have ever seen. It was like a prehistoric jungle in my backyard, and it was beautiful..and I had forgotten that I had not taken a deep breath in a long time.......I need to do this more.
Then as pace settled in...me and my ADD self had to wander through thoughts...and I wandered to the past, since it has been on my mind so freggin much lately.
I was pregnant my entire senior year of high school...Having her…surprise…right in the middle of finals. She has always beat to her own drummer...(Thanks for making me go to SUMMER SCHOOL KAYLA..you could not wait two more classes??) This by far was one of the most difficult times of my life…peers staring and talking..and whispering…All eyes were always on me.It took me a long time not to feel like I was just a complete miserable nothing. I had no self esteem left..I look back, I wish I would have had alot more back bone and told everyone to go to hell.
But after I had her…after I held her..I kept saying I had a baby? I had a baby girl? With an excitement of awe not ever realizing that this little life truly was inside me all this time. The Nurse said” Yes Honey..you were pregnant” and handed her to me. I stared at her for hours, and It happened immediately..I became Mommy. I hardly ever let go of her, and would protect her life with my own in an instant. My teenage crazy days were over…and I grew up instantly, but that was just what needed to happen.
4 months after she was born I had the flu. I had a fever, I was sweating, throwing up, the whole 9 yards. I went to my parents so they could watch the baby. I did not want her getting sick, and took some asprin, and went to sleep in a back bedroom. A few hours later I had hives all over my arms and legs…then on my torso, my back, my neck….by 2 am I thought I was going to scrape my skin off with a knife , but I tend to like my skin so instead I went to the emergency room.
Within minutes, the familiar urge to throw up overwhelmed me. I asked my x to please ask the nurse to find th bathroom…quick!!! She came over to me and said “You look pale, can you stand up?” I said yes, and BOOM, hit the floor.
The next thing I know is a really hot male nurse (I mean smoking) is taking off my bra…someone’s taking off my shirt, people are sticking things on my chest..at 18 everone seeing me naked, Oh god let me die now!!!!I can barely open my eyes. Then I try to speak, and I can’t.(Ok maybe I did not mean let me die...)
I hear the distinct thub dub of my heart in my ears…but then it dawns on me, somewhere in this panicked state, that there should be more heartbeats….then I hear someone reading out my blood pressure and a female voice saying “Were losing her.” A scene straight out of ER.
I desperately want to speak, and cannot move my lips, I want to lift my am, or leg to say “I’m still here!!!” and can’t. I hear the voices around me…..then utter silence. More panic.If my heart could beat it would be going 200bpm..
Now the only way I can put this,is I felt like I was playing the game where you are standing, it is a trust game, and you have to fall backward into their arms….”wait a minute, I am going down, not floating up” and start praying in 30 seconds like I have never prayed before”Please forgive me of my sins blah blah blah” I know I am dying. More panic…”Why won’t my heart beat?.."Helloooo IM STILL HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!”I am literally scraming this in my head.
Then I have flashes of people and the last flash I see is my baby. “Oh god..I can’t leave her..not now, Oh god..please can’t go now”
Then I feel like I am falling forward, back into my own body…and peace..pure peace
4 hours later I am awakened with people asking “What is your name..what is your
name??” trying to see if I had brain function..because I quit breathing…
I had died.
After liooking in the mirror..I decided that this really is not my best look.
Apparently The Almighty Heidi’s Kryptonite is Aspirin…causing massive anaphaliptic shock..thus death.
My daughter will be 18 in just a few months…hard to believe that. She is a very strong woman, She stands up for herself, does not take any crap from guys, and study’s super hard, and has actually learned from my bumps along the road.
"Strong Women. May we know them, may we raise them, may we be them."
I made my own up. "Stupid men make strong (pissed off) women"...that works too...
I may not have become a doctor, I never finished my degree…but you know what..I cheated death… and was put here to be a mom to all three of my kids…well there will be no pity party.
Today..I am Almighty Heidi Again…as long as there is no aspirin involved.