Yesterday I had a nice surprise in the mail. Amidst my overdue bills…my college transcripts from 2000. I only spent a year, but for over 800credit hours..I had a 3.83 gpa??
I had to look again.
4.0 in every class but one????
I am not sure how I overlooked this. All I remember is waitressing, bringing flash cards to work with me, …and trying to make anatomy and physiology into an interesting bedtime story for Michael (Who was 4 at the time)….struggling through the grind of life.
So I had a little happy dance (it’s kinda like the chicken dance, but with an Almighty Heidi flair ha!), I showed my kids..look Mom IS SMART..they rolled their eyes..and I had a moment to myself where I actually….. cried? WTF? I was not sure why I was crying and it really took me off guard.
No there won’t be a video of the happy chicken dance….
I hate crying. I really do…really.To me in my own life it shows vulnerability and weakness. Silly thing is I don’t think that about others. You are allowed to let it all out…me never. Why? Now for one, I know it is not the best look. My eyes get all puffy and sunken in at the same time, my face looks like a punching back, with a big red nose..it just is not a very pretty thing.
No pics of punching bag face either….
So now I am up on the treadmill trying to sort this out. I have been an emotional mess the past few weeks..and burying it all away this time does not seem to be working well for me damn-it. I am an emotional roller coaster, and It’s just not who I am….fuck!
I was not sure why I was crying and it really took me off guard.
So I worked through it…up hill all the way so I could come to some conclusion. The walls of the Almighty Heidi were not to come down easily. It took at least 30 minutes and some hard core sweat before I would allow myself a glimpse within myself of what was going on.
Nope..no pictures of me sweatin on the treadmill either..it’s really not that pretty.
Then after a lot of soul searching..I figured it out. This is the hard part for me to write. I don’t like blaming and pointing fingers..the basis of my emotional mess is somebody elses fault. I can’t believe that.
We are what we allow ourselves to be. I am responsible for my own emotions…BUT, I figured out why my reaction of not wanting to cry was felt like a vulnerability and weakness.
1. I am not a sissy girl.
That was easy, but number two is harder.
I had to go back and look at the last times I did cry. I hate looking back. Most of the time nothing too good comes of it..but I gotta go there.
Last time number 1...
Talking to my father over the phone when he told me my mom was leaving. His pain broke my heart. I went to “B” wanting and needing a hug…and got advice..lot’s of it. Told him I needed a hug, and got a pat on the back..Reallly. My feelings were put off as not important, and the tv was turned on mid sentence.
Last time number 2..
June..third back surgery. The pain made me cry..then I checked myself out of the hospital because the nurse could never get pain meds to me in time. “B” was not expecting me home, and we had to find a late night pharmacy. By the second pharmacy we found that was closed, he whooped around the corner, drove like a madman because he was pissed. I am asking him to slow down, and that it hurt.. He turned in a parking lot even harder..just to prove a point that he was pissed…?? I went to bed, back throbbing, and because of no compassion…and just his own pure selfishness..I silently lie in bed with warm tears flooding my face in my own silent pain. Lord knows I could not bring up why I was upset….
There’s a few more stories..but I think that is enough for the point. I’m embarrassed even bringing those up. To let myself get so far…
My emotions were never validated. Taken as important enough…This I had figured out. By showing my must vulnerable parts…they were never recognized as important enough.
Then to my surprise I get a great note from my friend”. Telling me never to settle…this brought a few tears..but they were good ones…I was validated in a strange way. Here was this note, that came at a very pivital point in my life. It was a hand that helped pull me out of the quicksand. So thanks “J”. I am truly blessed to have good friends.
Amazing how things like that happen just at the right time.
I swear I am turnin’ into Tammy Fae and it’s pissin me off!! Luckily these are just little spurts through out the day. The rest of my day is filled up with meaningless nonsense like work... Keeps a girl sane.
So finally..after a few nights of insomnia..She sleeps.
The warrior goddess Almighty Heidi came out this morning with a vengeance. It’s about time she showed up. She took her sword out and cut through the layers of self pity…and got angry.
Damn girl, it’s about time!!
Ohhh she’s pissed, really pissed…pissed that I let that happen to me.
Two lessons learned yesterday: I am good enough…and it really is not in me to settle. I can’t do it. I won’t do it to myself. I have one lifetime (that I know of)…and I gotta make it count.