Today on the haircast the news said it would be another good one, they lied. I have a butch lesbian hairstylist whom I love, who chopped off the hair I was trying to grow...nothing to fix that..not even duct tape and super glue, that fixes everything in the south.
I had a bit of an off day. Not quite sure where it came from. The feeling of being unimportant. I suppose maybe from my dwindling relationship. Not sure why I let it get to me. I wish I cold just leave now. I am a rip it off band-aid kind of girl. This whole thing of having to wait till summer to go, I just feel like I am tearing it off slowly. But it comes down to the almighty dollar.
B went and gambled away all his money the past two weekends leaving me in the poorhouse with the bills. I know he must sense my unhappiness, which has been signifigant since october. Maybe this is his way of coping...that would be his excuse.. That's just plain stupid...and a cop out...oh and selfish.
Without the bill money as promised I am behind on everything and had to get a cash advance from my job. What a low point. My phone is broke, the vaccum is broke, my daughter is broke, my kids need a serious talking to, Michael needs shoes...and sometimes it is a heavy weight to bear by myself....espcially the finiacial part.
This maybe the unimportant feeling. That I am important enough to take care of, that we are important enoughto take care of. I hope to be the first thought in someones mind. WWAHD? (What would almighty heidi do?)
I want to be on the same level as another person, not feeling demeaned, less than, below..i want to be in sync...It made me think of the Moon and the earth..they just do what they are supposed to in their own dance around each other..effortlessly. Now I know that is silly in a relationship..and this white girl cant dance...
Most relationships have some metors, .but some gravitational pull sometimes twoards each other now and then..would be good..being on the same page about stuff....
I want to rip the bandaid...I've used too many bandaids to make it all better. Sometimes there just is not one big enough...
Ohhh and speaking of moons..why oh why must large women wear spandex to the gym...somebody help me here..lord have mercy it is just wrong.