3/03/2009

My Truth


My truth is remembering who I am, and what I beleive in. The inner Almighty Heidi goddess of fighting for right, and stomping what is wrong. The Heidi who is fair and asks the universe for answers when there are none. Remembering the child inside and letter her out to play every now and then...and telling the adult Heidi to no longer turn the other cheek.


Yeah, Im having a moment today.


Today Kayla and I went to the doctor. Mind you she just had a massive injury in October...she broke her back. She is no longer in school...and now will have to get her GED. Kayla knows she will miss prom..graduation..the works all girls look forward too. She has type a flu AND Mono...and is just sick and tired of hurting all the time. I can't find a pain management doc to treat her because she is a minor. I held her hand and told her "Im not sure why you are going through all of this...but surley somewhere we WILL find the silver lining"

And I take a deep breath and ask the universe to help,because I cant fix her. I buy a favorite breakfast of hers, cause that is all I can do to make it better...and hot tea..because for some reason hot tea makes everything better.


I watch my father click "Send". An email to my mother saying" You left me after 40 years of marriage...and you want to be my friend. You say you love me, and it just continues to hurt me. In order to move forward, I must ask that you no longer contact me becasue it hurts too much"

And tears roll down his face...and I ask the universe to heal his heart..because I dont know how to help.



I bite my tounge every day..waiting to quietly leave. This morning I am greeted with bags of trash at the door to our garage. B's reminder to me that the trash was not taken out...so he threw the bags at the garage door....for me to clean up.



I feel like a warriror..sword drawn..but the orders are not given to fight...just to watch the massacre....completly helpless. This will have an end..and a new begginning..but for now...


I wait.....drinking hot tea...and the inner goddess warrior sits restless pacing for some orders.
Heidi


4 comments:

foam said...

i'm truly sorry for your daughter.
i find it amazing that they can't manage her pain any better..
it seems inhumane.

i'm also sorry for your dad. i think he is doing the right thing in telling your mother to stop writing. he needs to think about himself.

as far as the inner warrior princess ..
her time will come ..
and then more power to her!

MaQuade said...

It's AMAZING what a stupid, insignificant, tiny little PISS ANT bruce becomes in the grand scheme of all this. At first I was enraged when you mentioned trash at the garage door. But then I compared that to everything else... and had to just laugh at him. Wouldn't it be great if they made a cream for narcisists??? Can't WAIT until you can get that damn thing REMOVED ;)

Lisa said...

yes- sounds like life is giving it to you in spades my dear. Luckily, you see this as the test it is and know that for now, hot tea and quiet thought are probably the best you can do.
what a woman you sound to be- true goddess..
i am sending love to dad, daughter and to whoever left the garbage at the door beccasue he obviously doesnt realise what a dick he is- sad but true xx

AlmightyHeidi said...

Thank you all for your comments :) I know that "This to shall pass" and am waiting for the sun to start peakin through the clouds..any day now...today would be good.. hehehe.
Today..I am going to punish my internal organs yet again with chinese food..because dad has invited me out to lunch..and well who can turn down a free lunch!