Part 1: Self Destruct..

The last two nights I have not slept all that well. I found out that my paycheck and hours were being cut. Im only a few months away from leaving b. I just want to make enough for me an the kids, and I will right?
Either way, I can't stay ..and I am scared for the first time of the future.
It is not only me, but the rest of the company trying to hold on. I think it has frightened me even more subconsciously..because even though I feel ok, I have found myself in self destruct mode..which is not eating, or eating to much, not sleeping, and well over doing it a bit on Friday with the alcohol...then overdoing it physically..cleaning and what not...trying to clean up a mess that exsists in my head..not in my house...but I took it out on the floors anyways. Scrub therapy. I can step back now and see it, which is good..but I feel numb.
I am alot numb...I am numb because I am scared..so I build a wall not to feel...but end up having to deal with it anyways.

I also looked at an apartment I want to get..then was told by a friend that B was ready to move out himself 6 months ago, which is great news, but it bothers me, just a small bit. I want to say what is wrong with me, but I cant go there…I know it’s not me, but there is the voice whispering at the back of your head wanting to say that you are no good. ..I tried to muffle it with one too many glasses of wine..the voice ended up with a mild headache, but he still comes back. So lesson learned, no more self medicating..I know better.

Part two...Dreaming...

Then there was my dream I had last night. I dreamed again (twice now) that I was getting married.(WTF) At first there was panic. I was having a real wedding. Napkins? I have to pick out napkins? I have never done that before. I was stressed over napkins...not the whole getting married part. In real life I would be..wtf are you doing?!!!
Then there was a panic of my hair before the wedding..I think this came from my weekend of very bad hair and throwing the brush down on the bathroom counter.

I dreamed we did something strange. Everyone was seated waiting for the ceremony to begin. I walked into the front area of the church where the groomsmen stood, and my soon to be spouse grabbed my hand. I was wearing a beautiful knee length blue dress. A blue I cannot describe it was so beautiful, a deep blue. When I held his had everyone stood...in honor.

He reached over and grabbed my fathers hand, I reached over and grabbed his fathers hand, who in turn grabbed his mothers, and before you know it, everyone in the church was holding hands. Just then a prayer was being said in Hebrew, it was finished, I smiled, and left to go get dressed for the real ceremony.

This prayer was a blessing on the marriage itself. And by each of us reaching for the other families hands, we were entering into each others lives, and by the guests holding hands we were taking the others friends as our own. One big family.

I was in an Ivory dress, and we honeymooned in Hawaii( I was born there and have always wanted to go back). It was warm, and breezy, and beautiful. Peace. I could see Maui from the plane.

This is all I have, but it was peaceful...and when I woke up a I panicked for a moment at the thought of marriage.
Then I went back to the peace.

So today I refill my ambien...sit at my desk and listen to the rain outside, writing this down, trying to figure me out.



Anonymous said...

I remember your last dream about marriage.

You are a princess. And there is a prince for you out there somewhere

AlpHa Buttonpusher said...

Feeling down? Well, push yourself back up again. Don't let the sad song play. xox

MaQuade said...

There are days when I'm right there with you on the fear of the future and the percieved mess in my head.

It's not so much a fear of the future as it is an irrational fear of losing what makes my future hopeful and important and MEANINGFUL to me. I know you understand- all those things are safe, right???

One way or another, you *WILL* make it and you'll be more than just fine or alright. I promise you!

The wedding dream should be telling you that there IS more and it WILL be yours- Beshert!

Lean back...

AlmightyHeidi said...

Thank you all for the kind words. It means alot! Writing..well..it just helps me put things on paper, sort it out, and try and make sense..and other times just to let go.