Soul

Tell me who you are

Whisper it in my ear

When your journey is near end, what will your story be

Did you taste the moments

Could you sit in silence and bear your own soul


Did you make peace with your mind

When it spun in suffering

Could you allow yourself to find the places of safe harbor,

of strength, of courage

To rise up and feel that you are beloved

Worthy and beautiful

Did your heart dance in the loving of another

Could you sing of it’s touch

Not cowering in your own vulnerability

Looking outside myself

Speaking to my innermost soul

She wants to know

Whisper it in her ear.

Almighty Heidi

Inside out, outside in

I have been turned inside out lately. Alot of change, good and bad, which has caused me to bear my soul...to myself.

One of the things that I have I have been dealing with..well is just me.

Years of being told things over and over agian..

I really thought by leaving the situation I was in, those feelings would just go away..because mainly they were spoken by another..I did not know untill now...

The words did stick..they cause alot of internal bleeding.

Right now..it is my outter self I can not stand. Really, I have issues, and Im not sure how to sort them out. Some form of self hate.

"I know you have a little life in you yet. I know you have a lot of strength left. I should be crying, but I just can't let it show. I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking"

It is a tough thing to talk about really...but I need too.

When I am in a store like a target, and I go down an isle where they have mirrors, I will avoid looking at the reflection. I dont like the reflection in my laptop, so I avoid making the screen tilt a certain way. I face away from the mirror in the morning when I get ready.
And when I do have to get ready for work..I put on my makeup, I make it a point to look at the feature that I am working on, not the full self. I feel physically ill when I look..at me. I feel fat..ugly..gross.

It is not fishing for compliments in any shape of form, because I will deny them, I wont accept them...because I do not believe them.

The funny thing is I DO want to feel comfortable with me..but I really really dont know how.

I wish I could make it go away, I want it to go away..

The inner self is fighting against me wanting to hold my hand making it all ok, and I turn away and refuse...all the things I say to myself, but cannot hear..telling myself to get up woman..get up..you are worthy you are worthy..but I turn the other cheek and do get up, but walk away.

I would not want anyone else to feel the way I do...I know it has to change, i do, I cant stand living with it. There has been so much strength in other parts of my life..getting myself back up off the floor and moving on..I hope for my own spirit I can work through this too.

Trying to hug my heart..but pushing away..not wanting to be touched.

"All the things that you needed from me. All the things that you wanted for me. All the things that I should've given, But I didn't."..

To me..love me.

Heidi

Trying To Rise

I thought it fit well...

“I am responsible. Although I may not be able to prevent the worst from happening, I am responsible for my attitude toward the inevitable misfortunes that darken life. Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have – life itself.”

Walter Anderson


but it will still hurt...

"My heart, I gave to you,
wrapped in the colors of vulnerability,
ribbons of sacredness,
you opened,
and tossed aside."

I wrote this after my blog. I thought it was beautiful...there is beauty in sadness..when I realize the colors of my vunerability..and the sacredness of my heart.... and then it seeps in....

I refuse to let this break me...but I find myself with the bricks that were thrown..making a wall.

Almighty Heidi

Ache

Tell me how to get back up from this place,

how to rise out of my own pain within pain,

ache within ache,

sadness and hurt pours out of every pore trying to escape my heart,
but with every beat it feels more.


DoI let it go and never return to it because it hurts me so badly

do I continue to do the same thing over and over again looking for something that just does not exist in my world,
to fall back down.

I can't seem to rise this time...

Back down into this place, This dark dark place,

How do I rise up from my pain within pain, the ache within ache…. sadness beating out of every pore of my soul.


Tell me... tell me how.




Heidi

Our House

This week is moving week. No real blogging this week. It is hectic and crazy and I cant wait for everything to be done.
The kids and I have been doing great though, and have been..well... laughing..alot lately. Mostly at ourselves. I love to laugh..we have not done much of it in a lonnnggg time and we are so due. I thought I'd post a few pics of the crazy family..

Here is my son Mike last night...we had so much fun making this picture, I almost pee'd my pants, he is going to be 15.


Here is his face..sorta...

Here is my daughter who is 18 at the jaw surgeons office..she is very..very..."blonde" and the ongoing joke is when she was in the 6th grade she did not know the number to 411...yeah thats her..she was serious..I just love her goofy side too..they take after their mama:

This is my son trying to be uber Kewl and Gangsta...but it just does not work for him. He is 16, getting close to 6 foot and the ladies loooveee him...and I might just have to throw up :)

For the rest of the brat pack..my two lovies: Cosmo was a rescue pug who was hit..ALOT. He is 8 years old and never leaves my side, he is very loyal. Then there is Winston...he is smart..and retarded all at the same time. Another rescue pug who is 7. He drags toilet paper around the house and tips over bathroom trash cans to let me know that it is dinner time, and by god he has not had his food yet. He sleeps on top of my head...I cant seem to get him to sleep anywhere else. He is a big love to, so Im a pushover.

So this my friends, is the Almighty Heidi's family. I love love love love my kids and dogs. This is precious to me and Im glad I could share a bit of the real side of the Almighty with ya. Also, there is so much pride in all of us pulling together for this move, and for moving forward, that we can finally say this will be OUR HOUSE. WOOHOOO!!

Almighty Heidi