9/17/2009

Reaching The Surface




I still have dreams, things I want to do and accomplish, and I feel that where I am in my job, it is suffocating me.
"What does my heart want?" Has been the question of the past month.



Taking off my shoes, dipping my feet in..just to test the waters..



My heart says to go back finish nursing school..(10 years later),
The soul says I want to write.

So..I have chosen..both!


I stepped back..and did a cannonball jump.


The admissions papers came in yesterday. My decision felt so real.
Then I was scared.



Treading water..looking for the lifeboat.



In my head the voices played.. “You are going to be tired, there will be no time, what if you fail, oh my god math..chemistry..really..come one Heidi, it’s been 20 years!”


Then in my heart, I start to sink, I became disoriented and begin to drown in self doubt.


The strange thing was..it took my 14 year old to snap me out of it.


We were going over his homework. I get irritated with him often about school.

“Michael, you are so smart, if you just COMPLETE your homework and TURN IT IN, your grades will go up.”


“No ma, I’m not smart, Nathans smart, he is mr C++ writing his own software guy”


“Michael not everyone does what Nate does, we each have different talents, things that we want to do in life, Nate’s just found his, that’s all..and your test grades are AWESOME you ARE smart, you’ll find what you love too, and excel in that…so quit selling yourself the short end of the stick Bud!”


As soon as I said it..It hit me.


The direction came, no longer disoriented, I found..up...i did not need the lifeboat, I remembered how to swim..somwhere along the way I had forgotten.


I KNOW what I want. "Quit selling myself the short end of the stick”


So today, I will finish my homework. I will fill out the forms, and do what I need to do.



I have reached the surface of the water
Breathing in deeply.
....


Almighty Heidi






10 comments:

Chuck Dilmore said...

that!
is!
beautiful!

you are on *your* way, Heidi...
a destination *you* chose!
a dream *you* designed, deserve.

and ya know what else?
you are so much more
than you were 20 years ago!

you are.
and we are standing, applauding.
Chuck

MaQuade said...

Ditto Chuck! We are all standing and applauding (some of us with a tear or two). Remember... You WON'T be swimming alone!!!

L-
-J

AlmightyHeidi said...

oooOOOOoooo thanks Chuck, thank you so much. Im blessednow to have surrounded myself with beautiful encouraging people. It feeds my thirsty soul :o)

AlmightyHeidi said...

Maquade..I know you always seem to catch me when I stumble around :o) yet another example of beautiful people in my life.

MilesPerHour said...

We all have the ability to choose to do whatever we want.

I went back to grad school after being in the workforce for 10 years. AND I got my degree from a university that wouldn't accept my application-wasn't good enough. So I showed them.

You will do great.

Cat said...

and what an amazing good teacher you are, a skill that come naturally by being a good moma! now will the student listen?

(hugs)

Shadow said...

mmmm, quite enlightning when we realise we should just practice what we preach... good for you. i'm holding thumbs all the way!

foam said...

you go heidi ..
i'm rooting for you all the way ..
all the time ..
even when i'm not around that much.

terri said...

amen.

Greenfingers said...

You have to and can only do both Heidi. The only thing that may come in your way is a man!! Follow yourself or be damned damned darling. We have to fall asleep at night knowing that the best of us has to be seen and appreciated.